


Long Way Down

by forthelongestday (ftld)



Series: Long Way Down [1]
Category: Twilight Series - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Romance, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-01-10
Updated: 2011-01-10
Packaged: 2021-03-09 22:28:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 26
Words: 155,784
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27803827
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ftld/pseuds/forthelongestday
Summary: When Edward confesses his motivation for leaving, Bella realizes she cannot offer him a second chance. Her insistence for closure is met with the realization that one member of the family does not intend to leave her unprotected again.
Relationships: Jasper Hale/Bella Swan
Series: Long Way Down [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2034313
Comments: 9
Kudos: 63





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Notes from future-ftld:
> 
> I was writing the end of this TEN YEARS ago, and that is so unbelievably insane to me that I legit can't even deal with it.
> 
> Anyway, I mention this because ten years ago me was kind of a mess (present me is also a mess, but hopefully in a more fun, relaxed sort of way). There's a lot about this I would change doing it over again... but there's also a lot of it that I'm still really proud of. I'm cross-posting it here in case FFN's servers explode like it seems they're going to.
> 
> So, enjoy (I hope). <3 from future-ftld, writing this note in late-2020, looking back at 2010/2011
> 
> This was originally beta'd by lacym3 (first few chapters) and sweeneyanne through the end.

> " _Yesterday, when I would touch you, you were so...hesitant, so careful, and yet still the same. I need to know why. Is it because I'm too late? Because I've hurt you too much? Because you_ have _moved on, as I meant for you to? That would be...quite fair. I won't contest your decision. So don't try to spare my feelings, please—just tell me now whether or not you can still love me, after everything I've done to you. Can you?" he whispered. -New Moon, page 511_

My heart thudded in my chest, my lungs screamed for air. I wanted to say yes. I wanted it so badly. Time slowed as his questions swirled around me, his offer to set it all right. We could be together again, the hole in my chest could be closed permanently. I wouldn't have to live with this pain anymore. My mouth opened, my tongue had just begun to form the word when my brain engaged, and I really took in what he had just told me.

He had lied, manipulated and destroyed me, and he had done it on purpose. Before the words spilled from his mouth I would never have thought him capable of such a thing, but the past months couldn't erase themselves from my mind. The pain and loneliness were carved into my heart, the worthlessness I'd felt was still tattooed across my skin. The context he put my suffering into...it was unbearable. He did this to me, to Charlie.

I died a little more at that moment, because right there in my bedroom, staring at the face I'd yearned after for so long was when I realized that Edward hadn't changed in the slightest, but I was a completely different person. He was still the same magnificently beautiful boy who could simply look at me and I would be putty. He was achingly beautiful, perfect in a way I could never strive to match. I struggled to allow my brain to overrule the instinct raging deep within me that said I couldn't live without him, but a voice whispered in the back of my head that maybe it wasn't so much him that I ached for. The circumstances surrounding our separation had broken off just as many pieces of me as his abandonment had. He'd left me alone and broken, feeling completely unloved. We'd left so much unfinished and unsaid.

His mere presence had returned the missing pieces to me, restored the power he'd stolen out in the woods that day, but knowing the truth—that was the salve that healed the wound, and I knew without a doubt that if I allowed him to he would crush me all over again. It wasn't so long ago that he promised to never leave me, as long as staying was what was best for me. Could I trust him to not make that decision for me again? It hurt so much when I realized I couldn't. Edward was stubborn, he would always think he knew what was best. I was stronger than that now, I had survived months of my life without my heart beating in my chest. I'd given it to him and he'd run off into the night leaving me shattered and incomplete.

I hadn't noticed I was crying until he reached out to brush the tears from my face. I flinched away from the icy tips of his fingers, if I allowed myself to find comfort in him I would never be able to do this. He noticed, but said nothing. He was offering me the choice he should have given me out in the woods the day he destroyed me so completely, and it only solidified my decision when I was forced to admit to myself it was the first real choice he'd given me. Everything else he'd allowed me had been by his will.

I took a moment to just look at him, and...nothing. There was nothing left between us. I would always love him, and I would always want that version of him I idolized and fell in love with so long ago, but I'd only seen what I wanted to back then. The truth was he was here and those parts of him I'd steadfastly ignored were staring me right in the face. He was controlling and manipulative. He disregarded my feelings, and basically told me I was worthless...and for what? So he could live the fantasy that I'd forget about him? Edward may have lived a long time, but he was forever seventeen. Edward would never grow up and I thought that maybe that was part of the problem. I had grown up a lot since the last time I saw him, and I was beginning to understand what Charlie and Renee had meant when they told me that real love meant not losing yourself in someone else.

"No," I whispered so softly I wasn't sure the sound had even tumbled from my lips, but he heard it just the same.

I braced myself, the hole in my chest had disappeared the moment he'd held me in Volterra, but I knew with my single word it would be back. That one word, it would bring the emptiness back—but it was my burden, my punishment for refusing the life I had mourned and clung to so tightly.

His face crumpled and I was desperate to turn back time and be that girl again, his girl. The girl who threw herself into danger headfirst for the ones she loved even though she wasn't sure they loved her as deeply. The girl who steadfastly ignored the warnings and chased down love and grabbed onto it with both hands and refused to let go. But the sad fact was I wasn't her anymore, and I couldn't get her back.

"Can I ask why?" he asked, trying to appear indifferent, and even though I didn't owe him the truth I gave it to him anyways.

"Because I loved you with everything I was. I loved you so much that once you were gone there was nothing left of me. It might have been different if you had just explained, told me the truth, let me choose for myself...but you didn't. You lied to me, and you used my weaknesses to make it easier for you. You took away my choices, decided how I should live my life. Telling me the truth now cannot absolve you of that.

"It's not just about me though, Charlie...Charlie's heart broke right along with mine. We almost lost each other in all this, and I can't...I just can't..."

The tears were still flowing down my face, but Edward was no longer touching me. The rain beat on my window in tandem with the droplets running down my cheeks, and it almost felt like the world was crying with me. Edward's face had slipped back into his mask, and in the blink of an eye he was standing by the window.

"I understand. We'll leave tonight, you don't have to worry about seeing any of us again," he said in a near monotone.

Nothing on this planet could have contained the rage that coursed through my veins at his words. He didn't understand at all.

"Don't you dare do that to me again," I hissed between my teeth. "You are not the only one of your family my heart broke for! You all just abandoned me, you didn't even let me say goodbye! Your 'clean break' did just as much damage as anything else."

He turned to me, and surprise colored his features before he managed to neutralize his expression.

"We will not stay and interfere in your life, our world is not for you. I dragged you into this for my own selfish reasons, and now I have to right that wrong. You will live a human life, you will move on," he said with certainty in that silky smooth voice of his that used to always get him his way with me. Whatever it was that had tied me to him so tightly was broken now, and the tenor of his voice, the glint in his eyes didn't have the same effect as they once did.

"No. If you ever cared about me you won't do this. You have to at least let me say goodbye. You can't just rip everything away from me again!" My voice was climbing higher and higher as the panic set in at the reality of the situation. After all his apologies and begging I never imagined he would react like this if I refused.

"Charlie is sleeping," Edward chastised me. "You need to calm down. I know what's best for you, and that is to live your life free of monsters."

" _You_ are the one who did this!" I hissed, struggling to keep my voice low enough to not wake Charlie. "You brought me into this world, made them my family too. How can you possibly think you can simply undo everything by abandoning me? My mind is _not_ a sieve, Edward!"

I almost reminded him of The Pack, proof positive that no matter where he or his family went I would always be neck deep in the world of the supernatural, struggling just to tread water and keep my head afloat. I decided against it, the matter of my protection seemed to have slipped Edward's mind. He seemed to think he wasn't responsible for me if I wasn't his girlfriend, and that was just fine. I didn't need him to protect me, especially not at this price.

He only cared about himself, his absent soul, his guilt. He only cared if I lived or died to the extent it would effect him, just three days ago he thought I'd killed myself and sought an end to his own life. What good would it have done? It would have only placed more death in my hands.

"Fine," he muttered, looking anywhere but at my face, "I'll take you to say goodbye."

I never realized how petulant Edward could act when he didn't get his way, he was behaving like a child. It actually might have been the first time he didn't get what he wanted since I knew him. I didn't care, he had done nothing but cement my decision from the moment I uttered the word. We were done, we were over. I just had a few things left to do and then I maybe I could finally move on.

"Thank you," I said firmly, hoping to convey that he didn't deserve it. I should never have had to beg him for this common courtesy, and this was the best I was going to get. Edward was determined to leave, and if I was honest with myself he'd always been looking in that direction. I stood and every muscle in my body burned. I struggled to keep myself on my feet, joining him at the window once I was certain I could move without falling.

He pulled me into his arms and jumped.

It was bittersweet, running with Edward. It brought back all the memories of times long past when I was just a silly high-school Junior who had found herself drawn to her mysterious classmate. We'd had a lot of good times, but he hadn't been here for any of the bad. I tried to keep myself from feeling nostalgic, from finding some sort of peace and happiness in the wind whipping through my hair, his hands grasping my knees—but it was hopeless, and I moved my thoughts to more pressing matters to try and ease the burn of want coursing through me.

I wasn't sure how I wanted to handle this with the rest of the family. I loved them deeply, but their abrupt departure still stung. There was no way to know how well this would go, and I didn't want some long and drawn out production full of tears and wails. I simply wanted the opportunity to look each of them in the eyes and watch them walk out of my life. I needed this closure, I needed to see them turn their backs on me and walk away. It needed to be real this time.

The lights at the Cullen house were on, and it was briefly surreal to me. The lawn was still overgrown and unkempt, the gravel of the driveway only recently disturbed, but there was life in the house again. I had almost gotten used to it's vacancy, and in the blink of an eye it was alive again. It was so painful to see it as it was in all my best memories with the knowledge that tomorrow those lights would be out again.

Edward set me on my feet when we reached the porch and then continued his way to the door, but my feet remained planted on the grass. The rain had softened to a drizzle and I let it wash over me for a moment as I prepared myself for what would happen next. I was going to get my wish and it was going to hurt like hell. I would get to see everyone again, I would get to say goodbye. I could only hope that maybe in the end this all _was_ just like a broken arm. Except the first time maybe it hadn't set right, maybe it needed to be re-broken in order to heal properly.

I walked through the open doorway and made my way to the living room where everyone was gathered.

"Oh, Bella," Alice cried as she launched herself towards me, latching her arms around my waist. She shook with the intensity of her sobs and I wrapped my arms around her.

"I'm sorry, Alice. I just...I just couldn't do it," I whispered into her hair. I held onto her with all I had, and for the thousandth time I longed for simpler times, a simpler me.

Maybe I could do it, forgive Edward—at least I'd get to keep Alice. It wouldn't be so bad, he had always been distant, it wouldn't be difficult to keep him at arms length, keep him from getting his hands around my heart again. His affection for me was wrapped up in words and grand gestures, and though such things held little meaning for me, maybe it would all be worth it if I got to keep my best friend.

"Don't you dare," Alice said, lifting her head to meet my eyes. "I would never want that for you. No matter how much I desire it for myself. You're my sister in every way that matters, and all I want is for you to be _happy._ "

She slipped something into my palm, and I looked down to see a shiny pink cell phone, and she winked at me. I slid the device in to my pocket, and we shared a moment of understanding. Even though we had to let go of each other, of our friendship, that this was not the end. Though we may be rent apart tonight, at least it was by the choices we'd made. This time we wouldn't allow Edward to sever all ties.

"I told them what you'd decided," she said quietly, attempting to give us the illusion of privacy. "They know what's going to happen, and they know you don't want to make a big deal of it."

Alice released me to go stand next to Edward by the wall. He was still as a statue, and not really looking at anything.

My eyes slid across the room, searching out the rest of the family I had built for myself here. The furniture was covered in white cloths, save for the couches currently occupied. I don't know why but I'd thought everything would look the same as the last time I'd been here. It just looked abandoned, derelict. The vampires in the room were the anomaly.

Carlisle and Esme were sitting on the love seat, Esme was holding onto him so tightly his shirt was close to tearing. Emmett and Rose stood behind them, looking angry and remorseful. I smiled softly at all of them, trying to hide just how much this was killing me.

"I'm sorry this is happening to you again," Rosalie said, managing to sound both sincere and indifferent. She had moved closer to me with Emmett, and looked me in the eye. She plucked the phone from my pocket, and pressed some buttons before returning it.

"Our new numbers, Emmett's and mine. Just...if you want to talk..." I interrupted her with a fierce hug. She was surprised but sank into the embrace, holding me tightly for a moment before letting go. I couldn't believe she'd offered me anything, let alone a way to keep Emmett in my life. I felt ridiculous for getting so emotional over phone numbers, but I had been closest with Alice and Emmett. I had longed for their presence almost as much as Edward's during the past few months, and it would only be worse this time.

"I fucking hate him for making me do this. I'm gonna miss you so much, Belly-Bear," Emmett said vehemently before pulling me into a hug of his own, lifting me and swinging me in circles.

"I'll miss you too, Emmett," I smiled sadly.

I was determined not to draw this out any longer than it needed to be. I wanted my chance to bid farewell to this part of my life, and move on. I needed closure, but I wasn't willing to torture myself to get it, and if I let this continue on for much longer I was going to reach my breaking point.

Esme and Carlisle were next, each embraced me and whispered endearments in my ear. I didn't know what to say to them. I had thought of them as my parents, and the feeling had seemed to be mutual. A large part of me was still very hurt by their abandonment. My brain understood that they were simply going along with what Edward thought was best, but my heart was screaming that maybe I could have been better, maybe I could have been enough for them.

My farewell to them was curt and tense. I felt bad about it, Esme looked so crushed, but Carlisle looked like maybe he understood. It was all over before I knew it and with one last, "I love you," they were out the door. Just ghosts in the wind.

Jasper was sitting on the couch, his head in his hands. Waves of blond hair spilled over his face. He was projecting a little bit, and it took me a moment to identify the emotion as shame. I made my way towards the couch, standing a foot or so in front of him. After a moment he lifted his head to look me in the eye, and I could tell that if he were still able to cry he would.

"I'm so sorry, Bella." His voice was hoarse, and his fingers were clenched into fists, flexing his forearms underneath the dark green long-sleeved thermal he wore. His gaze moved to the floor as he whispered, "I'm so fucking sorry."

I stepped closer to him, and saw Alice splay a restraining hand over Edward's chest against the back wall as I wrapped my arms around Jasper's shoulders and hugged him tight.

"I know, and I forgave you a long time ago. It wasn't your fault." Jasper arms went around me for a moment, squeezing lightly before he was ripped from my embrace.

"Edward, stop!" Alice shouted as Edward placed himself in front of a furious looking Jasper. It took him mere seconds to control himself and relax his posture, but in those seconds he looked more animal than man. Death and destruction shone from his face, and I came to the horrifying realization that while I had seen Jasper hunt, I had never seen his monster.

"You're right, it doesn't matter anyways. We're leaving tonight. Bella just wanted to say goodbye," Edward said tightly, responding to something Alice had thought. "Now that we're done here I'm going to take her home."

I looked around the near empty room, more tears spilling over my eyelids. I knew it would hurt, but I had no idea just how much. It couldn't have been more than twenty minutes and it was already over. The empty places Esme and Carlisle left on the love-seat taunted me. They were gone again, and even though this time I could have stopped it, could have kept them here with me, the truth of the matter was they had left me. I had almost hoped for a struggle, a request for more time spent together before the doors closed, but my silent determination to have everything go quickly and smoothly was met with no opposition. Was I so easy to leave behind?

Something crossed over Jasper's face at that moment, and the torrent of emotions he sent my way were too tangled together for me to properly identify—but there was love there, the same deep familial love I would always carry in my heart for all of them, and I sent a small and rueful smile his way.

"No," Edward growled, and I shifted my gaze to see him directing a murderous glare at Jasper, "You will _not._ "

The fight broke out too quickly to see what had happened. I saw Jasper lunge, and I blinked once to find Jasper holding Edward to the wall by his throat, a terrifying noise rumbling from his chest.

"Do not presume to tell me what I will or will not do, Edward. I will not follow here. I told you from the beginning this is not the solution. I told you we needed to hunt that bitch Victoria down, but you never _listen,"_ he punctuated the last word with a violent shove further into the wall. His other hand had Edward's arm pinned to the wall, and he was positively magnificent in his fury.

His posture was rigid and authoritative, his jean clad legs planted firmly, shoulder width apart. The muscles of his arms disturbed the fabric of his shirt just enough for me to tell he was in fantastic shape. Every single thing I could note about his demeanor screamed determination.

"She doesn't deserve this—to be left behind, to be left alone in the path of a vampire seeking vengeance, and now the fucking _Volturi_ want her too. You want to leave her unprotected again? No. I won't do it," Jasper growled out through his clenched jaw, spraying Edward with a soft mist of venom.

I was stunned, and my first thought was that I had _never_ heard so many words come out of Jasper's mouth. I knew he cared about me, on some level at least, but I had always thought it was because I was Alice's friend. She was the only link between us, and it had never occurred to me that he might see me as anything else. Alice had accepted Edward's view on the matter, so what was motivating Jasper?

I wanted to douse the flame of hope rising within me that maybe they would stay, that maybe Jasper's stand would make Edward see reason. Maybe I could keep them all in my life in some tangible way instead of through phone calls and e-mails that were sure to dwindle over time, and while my brain knew I didn't want that, to have them choose me like this, my heart _hoped_.

"I'm going to go with him, Jasper. If this is what you need to do then I think it's time we faced the inevitable," Alice said quietly and even though I had no idea what she meant I knew it wasn't good.

They shared a long look, a million words passing between them silently as they ignored Edward thrashing and tearing at the wall.

"I'm sorry it had to end like this, but it's the right path for you," she said as she pressed a kiss to the curve of his shoulder before turning to me.

"Remember that I love you, you're my sister and nothing can change that. There is not one single decision you could make that would make me feel differently," she said before she turned and walked out the door, another 'I love you' floating on the air behind her.

I was nauseous. What the fuck had just happened? I felt on the verge of passing out, absolutely sickened with myself for somehow coming between them. I wanted to scream out at her to wait, to insist Jasper abandon his crusade to ensure I was not left alone, but I was too busy trying to choke down the bile in my throat. I couldn't do anything right. I came here to say goodbye and get closure, and instead ripped Alice and Jasper apart in a matter of _minutes._ It was horrifying. It was exactly like every other conversation I'd ever seen between them, short statements and long meaningful looks, and it just couldn't be the end for them.

"No, no, no," I heard myself say as I sank to my knees. "This is all wrong. This wasn't what was supposed to happen."

The air was buzzing with words too fast and quiet for me to hear. I couldn't extrapolate anything about the actual conversation, but from the looks on Jasper and Edward's faces they were arguing. Their indecipherable words rang in my ears and every few seconds a growl would interrupt, or the struggle would escalate. Japer seemed to gain the upper hand when Edward's eyes changed focus to the floor, and then there was nothing but silence.

Jasper let Edward down and took a cautious step back, keeping himself in between us. We locked eyes for a moment, and I could see the longing and hurt run over his face.

"Are you sure about this, Bella? We could...we could start over, we could all be a family again," he said, his gaze intense. I imagined this is how Eve must have felt when the snake offered her the apple.

I was torn between intense desire for the picture he painted and absolute fury that he would use his family like this, as a bargaining chip to coerce me to go back to him.

"I'm sure, Edward." I put as much force behind my words as I was able, struggling to my feet. "It's over."

Edward nodded, and Jasper took a few steps backwards, to stand closer to me. With one last look he exited the house and walked out of my life for good.

He was gone, Alice was gone, and I felt my eyelids slide shut, my fists clench. I waited for the excruciating pain to come, but the only thing I felt was disgust for myself and my selfish need to look each of the Cullens in the eyes before they walked out of my life for good. My presence had never been anything but a bane to their existence, and my departure was the same.

I had been blinded by the self-awareness that came with the realization that Edward and I could never rekindle what we'd once had. I was determined to end thing on my terms this time, to have a choice in the matter. I wanted to end it here and now before I lost any more of who I was. I had done the right thing for me, but at what cost?

Jasper stood a few feet from me, staring at the still open patio door, and I'd never felt more guilty in my whole life than I did watching him gaze at the door his wife had walked out. I couldn't even piece together how this had happened, how this night went from standing up for myself and deciding my own future to losing Jasper his.

"This is all my fault," I said as another wave of tears coursed down my cheeks, "You can still catch them, you should go. They're your family..."

He sighed before turning to look at me, fierce and determined.

"I told you before that you're worth it. One of these days maybe you'll believe me." He took a breath before continuing, "I was only here for Alice, and she and I were standing at this crossroads long before you came along. The only thing you did was fall in love, and no one can fault you for that."

"But she's your wife! Your mate! How can you just stand here and let her leave you?" I was bordering on hysteric, I had always believed that vampires found love once and it was forever. Jasper's casual dismissal of his relationship was cutting me too deep, raising too many doubts in my mind about the relationship I had shared with Edward.

He claimed to love me, said he couldn't live without me, but sure as Jasper was standing here alone Edward had left me in the woods. At first I had thought he simply _didn't_ love me, but now I thought maybe that wasn't exactly true. Edward loved me, but in a twisted and juvenile way, and I was able to accept that; I didn't exactly love him in the way I'd thought either. But now Alice had just left him and Jasper didn't even seem to care. Where was this forever Edward was always talking about?

"I promise I will answer your questions, but for now just know that while Alice was my wife we were never mated. Forever is a very long time to spend alone, Bella," he said before making his way towards me. "It's getting late, Charlie will be worried if you're not home when he wakes up."

I nodded, knowing he was right. I needed to get home. I needed to sleep for a hundred years. Maybe when I woke up this will have all just been a nightmare.

"I know you must still be afraid of me, but my control is much better now. I don't have a car, but I can carry you home if you want. I'll hold my breath the whole time. I promise I won't hurt you," he said carefully. I figured he was trying to be reassuring without using his gift to force me to be comfortable with the idea.

"I trust you," I said as I threw myself into his arms and swore to myself that these would be the last tears I shed over Edward Cullen. This was the last time I would allow him to hurt me, and the resolve made me feel marginally better. I would walk away from this, and I hoped I would be stronger because of it.

Jasper pulled back from me looking bewildered.

"What's wrong?" I asked. His eyes were still light so I didn't think he was struggling, but maybe I shouldn't have surprised him like that. I took a step back, letting my arms fall to my sides.

He shook his head and awe colored his tone, "You really do, don't you."

"I always have," I responded truthfully. Ever since he fled to Phoenix with Alice and I and threw his life on the line for me I trusted him implicitly. Even after the disaster that was my eighteenth birthday I knew that he would never intentionally harm me.

I felt a sense of gratitude blanket me, and I smiled at him when I realized it was his way of saying thank you.

"Let's get you home. Tomorrow we need to come up with a plan."

Running with Jasper was nothing like running with Edward. Edward was smooth and sleek and faster than I could comprehend. Jasper was _power._ His hair whipped in my face as we traveled and he gripped my legs just a little too tight. My arms were wrapped around his neck and I could feel the tendons straining against my forearms as his feet pounded into the soft earth, pushing himself harder, faster. We blurred through the woods, and I couldn't have said whether or not he was quicker than Edward. What I was sure of was riding on Jasper's back was exhilarating and completely terrifying all at once.

His pace didn't slow as we approached my house, instead he leaped at the edge of the yard and soared straight through my open window, somehow landing with a quiet thud. It took me a full minute before I was able to extricate myself from him. I tried to stand but my legs were too shaky and I ended up sprawled out on my bed.

"Are you okay? I've never done that before...did I hurt you?" Jasper was checking me over from a distance, looking for some sign he'd damaged me.

"I'm okay...just..." and I let out a shaky breath. "Maybe a little...less...next time. Okay?"

Jasper chuckled and turned to leave and in that moment the full weight of what had transpired crashed down on me. The Cullens were gone, save one. The wolves probably hated me now. Victoria was still out there somewhere hunting me, and sometime soon the Volturi were going to want to know if I had been turned. What was I going to do? Even if I somehow managed to get out of this mess with Victoria I couldn't allow the Volturi to come here, the whole town would be in danger. Charlie...I was going to have to leave him one way or another, there would be no surviving this time.

The prospect of my imminent death weighed heavily on my chest. My lungs weren't drawing enough air in and I didn't realize it was because I was hyperventilating until I felt Jasper draw me into a sitting position and spread hands on my cheeks; the calm flowed from his palms into my body.

"Breathe," he commanded, and took a deep breath of his own before letting it out. "Breathe, Bella."

"They're all gone. They're really gone. And Victoria is still out there, and now the Volturi...oh, God...I don't want to die," I gasped as I curled my body inward and wrapped my arms under my thighs. If Victoria didn't get me the Volturi would, there was no way out of this. I couldn't force my breaths deep enough, and as I panted and gasped, trying to draw air into lungs that wouldn't cooperate while Jasper stood next to me, slightly hunched over and trying to flood me with calm and peace.

"You're not going to die. I won't let them hurt you, I told you tomorrow we'd come up with a plan and we will," he soothed. His hands were still on my cheeks and he gently lifted my head so I was looking him in the eye. "You don't know much about me, but rest assured that I can protect you against the Volturi. That bitch Victoria is my main concern, but she'll be a cakewalk. I won't lie to you, you really stepped in it this time, but that doesn't mean it's hopeless."

"The wolves have been chasing her for months, Jasper. _Months,_ and there's five of them! I've seen them work, they killed Laurent. If they can't catch her how can you?" My panic had subsided into mere terror, and I found myself able to articulate my fears better. "She's gotten away from them so many times..."

"Do you honestly think that five adolescent Werewolves are any match for me? I've lived over one hundred and sixty years, your puppies are amateurs."

Jasper was that old? Something clicked in the back of my mind, and a piece of the puzzle that was Jasper Hale fell into place.

"The Civil War? You were a soldier." I knew it was true.

"Yes, and even as a human I could have handled the dogs."

I had no choice but to believe him. It was comforting to know that he wasn't all raw power and destruction bottled up in a handsome man, that he was also made of strategy and discipline. We wouldn't go into this blind, he wouldn't run off after Victoria half-cocked. I thought back to how he'd looked in the ballet studio ripping James into pieces, in his house earlier as he held Edward by the neck. Edward always called his vampire side his monster, and I couldn't help but think that if Edward had a monster then Jasper must have a demon in him. Maybe we'd make it through this alive.

"I'm going to run a perimeter. See who's been around and how close they got," he said as he stood to his full height. "I'll be close, if you need me just shout."

And then he was gone.

"Thank you," I whispered to my empty window. My curtains floated in the soft breeze, and I closed my eyes trying to gain some semblance of control, perspective...something. Anything to quell the raging fear and guilt inside me.

No matter what Jasper said, no matter how easily it was dismissed the fact of the matter was that I had torn him from his life and now he was in danger because of me. If I had just had the presence of mind to think of everyone involved before telling Edward I couldn't stay with him, before demanding he take me to the family for long overdue farewells none of this would have happened. Jasper would still be with Alice, and he wouldn't be out hunting the woman who haunted my dreams by himself.

I had never felt so selfish as I did that night, because what I really should have done was send Jasper away. Find some way to get him to return to his family so he could be safe and happy. Instead I let him stay here with me out of some misguided notion that I didn't deserve what was happening to me, that this wasn't somehow the universe's way of repaying me for all the lives I'd ruined since coming to Forks.

I curled up in the center of my bed, only bothering to pull the covers back because I couldn't force myself to get up and close the window against the chilly wind. I should have made him leave...and I felt horrible for being so happy that he stayed.


	2. Chapter 2

"You're grounded," were the first words Charlie said, barely glancing my way from his coffee and newspaper as I descended the stairs in the morning.

"I know, how long?" I asked, yet again, resigned to my fate.

I knew what I had done was right, but there were extenuating circumstances that couldn't be explained to Charlie. Either way, I should have found a better way to go about it. I could have called him from the car, let him hear that I was okay. I had been too focused on getting to Edward and saving him. I didn't realize until much later that there had been time to get on the phone and actually talk to Charlie instead of leaving a note on the kitchen table and disappearing without a trace.

"Forever." Charlie grumbled as he got up and dumped the rest of his coffee down the sink. "When I get home tonight I expect an explanation, and this time...this time we're not dealing with half-truths and evasions." He was trying to be nice about it, but I could hear the underlying threat in his words.

Obviously I hadn't given Charlie enough credit when it came to his detective skills. I was going to have to think of something to tell him that was close enough to the truth that he wouldn't see the parts I was leaving out.

I really didn't need this right now; I had enough running through my head without having to worry about this too. The full gravity of my situation had continued to weigh on me after Jasper left last night, and I'd spent much of the night trying to come to terms with the various aspects of it. I was still aching from Edward's betrayal, the second departure of my surrogate family, and the responsibility I felt for the destruction of Jasper and Alice's relationship. There were also the matters of Victoria and her vendetta against me, the Volturi and their threats.

I gathered my school books and headed for my truck, determined to push my worries to the side so I could get through my day. I knew a meltdown was coming, I couldn't keep everything bottled up inside me forever, but I couldn't allow it all to come spewing out at school. I felt like a needle skipping on a record player as I drove, the thoughts would fire in rapid succession; Edward, Alice and Jasper, Victoria, The Volturi, before I would have to shove it all back down again.

It felt like the entire world was pressing in on me, and I had to pull over for a few minutes to try and pull myself together. Jasper had promised he would help me; he'd sacrificed everything to be here to protect me. If there was nothing I could be sure of in this world I knew I had to have faith in him, it was the only hope I had of making it through each day.

I pulled back into traffic and finally made my way to Forks High.

Students milled about in the parking lot, laughing and chatting, completely oblivious to the dangers that surrounded them. They had no idea what was out there in the dark, and I wished I was one of them again. There had been a time not so long ago when vampires and werewolves were just legend and myth. I'd been happy in my ignorance, and I wasn't sure if the price I paid for this knowledge was worth the brief interlude of happiness it brought me.

No one spoke to me as I passed through the parking lot, making my way to my first class. My latest disappearance looked to have launched me into social pariah status and it seemed I was now unworthy of the attention of most of my classmates. Angela only offered me small smiles; Mike and Jessica actively pretended that I didn't exist. Even my teachers knew better than to call on me anymore. I was happy to be ignored; it gave me more time to try to come up with a solution to my problems.

I figured I could mostly tell Charlie the truth, I could say that Rosalie was worried and called Alice. That we'd left so abruptly because we were afraid Edward was going to hurt himself. It was all true, I would just leave out the where and the why...and hope to God he didn't ask. It would be easy enough to explain their absence; the family had only been here to take me home. Jasper was trickier; I wasn't sure how to tell Charlie he'd stayed behind.

Second and third period were devoted almost exclusively to Victoria, no matter how confident Jasper was I had a bad feeling that she would be a problem. I could only hope that Jasper was right, that he could take care of her easily. The Volturi I had an easy solution for, I just didn't want it anymore. They said they'd leave me alone if I were turned, but what did I have to live forever for now? I loved the Cullen's, they were family to me—but like Jasper said, forever is a long time to spend alone, and I didn't want to run back to them with my tail between my legs. They made their choice just like I did.

I mulled over the deal I'd made with the Volturi for the rest of the day. The only solutions I could think of were to run or surrender, and either way I would end up alone.

I drove home on auto-pilot, so lost in my thoughts that I startled when I pulled into the driveway to see Jasper sitting on the porch step. I had half expected him to spend his time running through the woods hunting down Victoria. Once he found her I was sure he'd be heading back to his family, back to Alice. The sooner he could accomplish his goal the sooner he could get back to his life.

The first thing I noticed was how he was dressed. I was used to Jasper wearing button down shirts and slacks. He always found a way to make his clothes less dressy, he often left the sleeves open, the first couple buttons of his shirt open, revealing a sliver of t-shirt underneath. He never ever tucked in his shirt. I wasn't sure when I'd noticed so much about his dress habits, but it was hard not to see the difference today.

Jasper's jeans were faded and worn, and looked so very comfortable. Instead of a button down he was wearing a dark grey long-sleeved Harley t-shirt. My eyes travelled down his body, taking it all in. The one thing that hadn't changed was his boots. They'd always looked kind of silly before, but now they fit right in. He looked good, and I felt marginally more comfortable with him now that he was wearing something I might find in my own closet instead of the Cullen's usual designer clothes that had always made me feel so out of place.

"Any news?" I asked, getting out of my truck and making my way up the path.

"Woods were clear, of vampires anyways. We need to talk about how we're going to proceed," he said, rising to his feet and following me into the house.

I threw my bag on the table and sat down, gesturing to the chair across from me.

"I need to talk to the wolves," Jasper said, taking a seat.

I don't think he could have said anything that would shock me more. Jasper wanted to talk to The Pack?

"Why?" I tried to ask neutrally, but my voice betrayed my nervousness. I should have known better than to try to hide it from an empath anyway.

Jasper didn't mention my reluctance, instead he simply responded, "You are friends with them, no? They're protecting you so there must be a bond there. We need to figure out how to work together...no matter how distasteful the idea may be," he punctuated his explanation with a slightly disgusted expression.

My initial thought was to tell him to go to hell, but lately my gut reactions have done nothing but cause more problems. I took a deep breath, and made myself consider my options.

I really didn't want to put The Pack in any more danger. They had already done so much for me, and permitting them to stay involved was sure to bring them into the thick of my other vampire problem. I also had to admit that no matter what I said, no matter how they felt about me, they were determined to bring Victoria down, and if that was the case they would be safer working with Jasper. I just wasn't sure if they'd be willing to do it. They hated vampires, not only on principle but also on instinct, and their animosity towards the Cullen's ran deep.

"I really don't think it's a good idea, Jasper. Even if they were willing to meet with you I doubt they would help me now." Jacob was surely furious with me for running off to save Edward.

"I'm going to be honest with you, if you won't call them I'll run along the boundary line until they come. I just think they will be more receptive if they were asked," Jasper stated.

It was going to take some getting used to him, he didn't seem to sugar coat anything, but it was a quality I was finding I liked a lot. I had gotten so used to being coddled and directed all the time; it was nice to have someone who would tell it like it was.

There was truth to his assessment as well. If he were to bait them into a meeting they would be hostile, on edge. Maybe if we called a meeting with them there would be a chance they would hear us out.

"Okay, I'll call Jacob," I relented. At the very least they deserved to know what was going on.

I decided I needed a change of subject and asked, "What did you say to Edward last night? How did you make him leave so easily?" This was another thing that had plagued me all day. Edward was hardheaded and foolishly thought he knew what was best for everyone, and I found myself perplexed that Jasper had managed to subdue his objections so easily.

"I simply reminded him of the fact that if he were to try and force me to do anything he'd surely end up missing a couple of limbs," Jasper said with a smirk. "He knew he had no ground, it was just a matter of making him see that."

I knew there was more to the story, but I didn't want to push him.

"Charlie wants an explanation for why I disappeared for three days. I was thinking I could mostly tell him the truth...but I don't know what to tell him about why you're still here."

"I think you could probably tell him the truth about that as well, that Alice and I parted ways. You could spin it to have a little more heartbreak; tell him I just couldn't bear to look at her face every day and needed some time to myself," he replied, sighing dramatically.

"I don't understand how you can be so cavalier about the destruction of your marriage," I snapped at him. They were supposed to be in love, how could he simply not care?

Jasper appraised at me for a moment before saying, "I will explain, but I think it may be something you don't want to hear."

I said nothing, just continued to glare at him. He was sitting here in my kitchen, pretending like we'd always been the best of friends. Pretending that his wife hadn't just left him. It was exactly how I feared the rest of the family was behaving right now. Sitting around the living room, completely unaffected by the silly human girl they once knew in Washington.

Jasper took my silence as assent, and nodded his head slightly before beginning his explanation.

"For a vampire everything is more intense than it is for a human. Sounds, smells, feelings—all of it is increased exponentially. When we crave we are ravenous, when we fight we are war, and when we love..." he trailed off for a moment before leaning back and shifting his gaze to the ceiling. His voice had a slight accent to it I hadn't ever noticed before. It sounded vaguely familiar, like something I'd heard when I lived in Phoenix.

"You have to understand that for a vampire finding a mate is primal, instinctual. I have seen vampires take one look at each other and never part again. It's not always romantic love right from the start, sometimes it grows from something else—but the bond is always strong and unbreakable. I have also seen the tragedy that unfolds when a mate is lost. When we mate we walk hand in hand, we love that person with our entire beings, forever. Not even death can separate mates. It's why Victoria is so hell bent on killing you. She deems you responsible for the death of James. They were mated, and she cannot let him go.

"I will not deny I loved Alice, I spent sixty years with her at my side—but there were others before her, and there will be others now that she's gone. For us a wife means little more than a companion. A mate is gravity, the pull of the moon against the tides...a mate is your lost heart beating in another's body," Jasper concluded, and I knew beyond all certainty that he had been telling me the truth when he said Alice was not his mate.

He'd spoken the words with a cool detachment, and I had a feeling that his insight into the matter was mostly because of his gift. He would have felt what it was like to be mated without ever actually having someone to love like that. The idea of getting to experience such powerful love without it ever being yours...it must have been awful.

I let out a shaky breath I hadn't known I was holding on to, and I thought that maybe I got it.

"Edward couldn't have left me. He couldn't have left if he felt that way about me..."

Jasper smiled sadly at me before replying, "No. He would have died first."

I bit my lip as I considered my next question. There was so much I wanted to know, and so much we needed to talk about to ensure we both made it out of this alive...but in the end all I could ask was, "Did you know? When you felt him? Did you know he didn't love me like that?"

Jasper's response was quick; he'd been expecting me to ask. "Yes, I knew," he replied, his tone grave, "I do not think it's possible for a vampire to be truly mated with a human, so I dismissed the line of thought. I assumed he would give in, turn you, and then things would be different. I probably should have said something, but it really wasn't my place to interfere."

The front legs of his chair met the floor with a thump as he leaned forward and clasped one of his hands in mine. "But I do know how you felt about him, before. It was a kind of love humans fight their entire lives to experience, and do not doubt that he cared very much for you. I am not discounting the strength of your feelings, but you need to realize that while it was one of the most supremely pure things you could experience, there was more out there for him."

His words were like a slap in the face. I don't think he meant to be quite so harsh, but the way he laid it all out on the table for me to see...it was too much too fast. My head spun with this new knowledge and I fought to keep the contents of my stomach down. I had always felt that my feelings for him were stronger than his for me, but I had never given voice to these fears. I never expected somebody to come along and pluck the insecurity from my head and tell me, point blank, that I was correct.

There was more for him out there...but what about me? Maybe I should have listened to Edward in the first place. Getting involved with him, while bringing me the happiest days of my life had also brought the greatest pain and sorrow. I knew it had been right to let him go, but now I understood that it was not only the right thing for me, but also for him. His guilt would have kept him with me, and he was dead set against turning me. He would have been condemned to experiencing a fraction of the love he was capable of until it all blew up in our faces. A delay in the inevitable would only have made it all the worse.

Jasper sat quietly, allowing me to process what he told me. I was momentarily angry with him for bursting the bubble I had constructed around my perception of the relationship I'd shared with Edward, but in the end I had to concede that the truth was better. It hurt, but at least now I knew, and I wouldn't ever have to wonder if I'd made the right decision.

I didn't want to think about it anymore, so I stood up and walked to the phone hanging on the wall and dialed Jacob's number with shaky fingers. I tapped my foot nervously as the line rang, I wasn't sure how receptive Jacob would be, he'd been so angry and upset the last time I'd seen him.

"'Ello?" Jacob answered on the fourth ring, his voice rough with sleep.

"Hey, Jake," I answered, hating how weak and unsure my voice sounded. I wasn't sure he wanted anything to do with me anymore, I hadn't treated him well and it was something I needed to fix.

"Bella," was the only response I got.

I took a deep breath and decided to get it over with. "I need to talk to you, can you come over?" I held my breath waiting for his response.

"Is the _leech_ there?" he growled.

"No, Edward's gone," I said shifting my gaze to Jasper in time to see him raise an eyebrow at me. I shrugged my shoulders at him in question, what else was I supposed to say? I didn't like withholding the fact that there was _a_ vampire here, but I didn't think he'd come if he knew. We both knew he was asking about Edward, so I kept my answer exclusively about him.

Jacob let out a sigh of relief before saying, "I'm on the way," and hanging up the phone.

I wasn't sure if that was the response I'd been hoping or dreading, and instead of feeling better because I was going to get a chance to make things better with Jacob I just felt anxious and afraid that my omission was going to do more damage. I replaced the phone in the cradle before turning to look at Jasper again.

"He's not going to like this at all."

Jasper nodded in agreement, "I'm not happy about it either, but my priority is keeping you alive, as his should be."

I nodded again, mostly because I couldn't think of anything else to say. Jasper stood after a few minutes and went to the back door, stepping out, and holding the door open for me. "I think it will be better to do this outside."

Behind the clouds the sun was beginning it's decent below the horizon, streaking the sky in shades of grey and red. I was anxious and confused and desperately trying to fight down all the thoughts that swirled around my head. I was trying very hard to stay focused on the situation with Jacob, but as I watched twilight descend I couldn't help but be reminded of Edward and what Jasper had told me today.

I didn't want to let this new knowledge take hold and force me to look back on my time with Edward in a different light, examine the events and interactions without the filter that had previously covered my eyes—the insistence that he was my destiny. I vowed right then, standing on my back porch staring at the sunset that I wouldn't. I would let it go, dwelling would do me no good and it was over now anyways. I needed to move past all of this, and the first step was to pay attention and help Jasper however I could so he could rid my life of the threats circling overhead. Somehow the resolution made me feel lighter, and out of the corner of my eye I caught Jasper cast a curious glance in my direction.

We waited for nearly ten minutes, me standing on the porch and Jasper, rigid as stone out in the yard. I didn't think about how it would look until Jacob stormed through the trees, dressed only in a pair of cutoff jeans that reached a little past his knees. He was furious.

"I thought you said the bloodsuckers were gone! What is he doing here?" he shouted at me as he tried to walk around Jasper. Jasper moved to stay in his way and growled before pushing out calm so thick I nearly sank to my knees.

"Human here, Jasper. Wanna tone it down a bit?" I bit out as I struggled to throw the oppressing emotions off me instead of letting them sink in. Jasper said nothing, but the artificial emotion lifted and after a moment I was able to think straight again.

"You asked me if Edward was here and he's not. They're all gone except for Jasper. They left, so don't you dare yell at me!" I shouted, incensed even though I knew he had every right to be upset.

The calm washed over me again, softer this time. I glared at Jasper and he shrugged a shoulder, looking completely unapologetic. Jacob opened his mouth, ready to argue the point but Jasper interrupted him before he could even get one word out.

"I asked her to call you. We need to talk about Victoria and the threat she poses to Bella," he said in the same commanding tone he'd used with Edward last night. He'd stood a little straighter as he talked, widened his stance. I could tell Jasper was used to being in control of whatever situation he was in, and he clearly wasn't going to let this time be any different.

"We can handle the red headed leech," Jacob sneered stepping closer to Jasper. They couldn't have been more than a foot apart, and their proximity made me anxious. Jacob was shaking so hard he was almost vibrating and I was aware that he was fighting to keep control of himself.

"Well there's no denying you've done a great job so far," Jasper spat back at him. "As much as it pains me to admit it I cannot kill Victoria and ensure Bella's safety alone. Someone needs to keep an eye on her while I hunt the bitch down."

I had been about to step in and try to defuse the situation, but Jasper's terse explanation filled me with rage. Jasper wanted me to call Jacob so he could...what? Set up a baby-sitting schedule? I was angry beyond belief, and was about to say so when Jasper turned to look at me and said, "Don't argue, you will be watched until she is eliminated. This is not negotiable."

"Asshole," I muttered under my breath. Jasper smirked and sent me a wave of pride before returning to his conversation with Jacob.

"Well?" he asked.

"I'll talk to The Pack. We'll be in touch," was all he said before he walked back toward the forest. He had barely spared a glance in my direction during the entire exchange and it made me feel awful.

"Jake, wait!" I yelled at his retreating form.

He paused for a moment before speaking, keeping his back to me the entire time, "I can't believe you're doing this again...I just...I'll talk to you later."

He crossed the yard swiftly and disappeared into the trees before I could come up with a reply. Hopefully he just needed some time to cool down, and then we could work on repairing our damaged friendship. I had a bad feeling that today had done more harm than good, and I mentally noted that this was yet another thing I was going to have to find a way to make up to him.

"Well, now that that's out of the way would you like to discuss what we're going to do about the other shit storm we're in?" Jasper asked, arms crossed.

"I'd love to, but I have to get started on dinner." The words weren't even out of my mouth before I turned and walked back into the house. It didn't matter, he'd hear me. I realized too late that it didn't matter if I snapped at him, how I acted towards him. He knew I was angry already, and for some reason that fact just pissed me off more. Why couldn't I be immune to his gift too?

"Believe it or not this is me trying to be sympathetic towards your feelings," Jasper spoke in a deceptively calm tone as he followed me into the kitchen. "If you'd prefer it I could leave you out of the loop entirely and send the dogs over without your knowledge or consent."

The tenuous hold I had on my anger snapped at his poorly disguised threat.

"First of all; you better stop referring to The Pack as 'dogs' and 'puppies'. They were there for me, fought for me. They risked their lives to keep me safe when your family threw me away like garbage and never looked back, and you will treat them with the respect they deserve," I seethed, turning to face him.

"Second," I held up two fingers, "You can do whatever the hell you want. I didn't ask you to stay, in fact I distinctly remember telling you to go. You may be a bad ass son of a bitch but I swear if you _ever..._ "

In a heartbeat Jasper was in front of me, backing me into the kitchen counter. His arms gripped the laminate on either side of me, caging me in. He was so tall I was only eye level with his throat and I had to crane my neck to look him in the face.

"Now listen here. I understand you are upset and I'd even say I have a fairly good grasp on why—but you need to come to terms with the fact that there is a creature out there who is faster, stronger, and more deadly than you can imagine who is determined to rip the flesh from your bones. She will tear you to pieces, kill you in the slowest, most painful way she can think of...and that will be _after_ she's done playing with you."

A violent tremor shook my body at his words. His eyes bore down on me, black as night, and for the first time I found myself a little afraid of Jasper himself.

"She will stop at nothing, she has all the time in the world. You are not safe on your own, and 'The Pack,'" he spat the words out as if they cost him something, "seem to be ineffectual at dispatching her, which leaves that job to me.

"So I don't care if you don't like it. I don't care if you feel it wounds your pride. You _will_ be watched at all times. If it makes you feel better you can think of it as using yourself as bait, I know you're into self-sacrifice," he concluded bitingly.

He was right. Of course he was. I closed my eyes and found myself leaning my forehead against his chest as the shame and remorse washed through me. I let it fill me instead of pushing it down, hoping he could feel it too. Jasper was just trying to protect me, and here I was throwing it back in his face. It was a bad habit I'd developed, and it always got me into even more trouble. I'd run away from him in Phoenix because I was foolish enough to believe James had my Mother, and I'd thrown myself off a cliff when the pack was trying to chase down Victoria. Maybe their failure to destroy her didn't have so much to do with their lack of experience as it had to do with my lack of cooperation.

His words had shocked me to the core. His blatant description of what Victoria may actually want to do to me...for some reason I had always thought if she caught me she'd just snap my neck and be done with it. I had thought simply killing me would be enough for her, but after what Jasper told me this afternoon about mates...

Jasper tentatively grasped my shoulders and pulled back a little to look at me. "I'm just trying to keep you alive, Bella. You can't do this on your own, and you really shouldn't have to. I will listen to you when you make suggestions, but you can't compromise something as fundamental as this."

I nodded dumbly at him, my eyes watering. Before the question had even formed in my mind it was past my lips. "Why...why are you doing all this for me?" I sobbed.

He sighed and rolled his eyes before pulling me back to him, embracing me fully this time. "Because you're fucking worth it."

Jasper left as soon as he heard Charlie's cruiser down the street. We'd spent a couple of hours talking while I made Charlie's favorite for dinner, hoping to soften the blow. I was surprised at how little I really knew about Jasper, and how much we had in common. We both leaned towards the same type of music, but had different preferences when it came to literature. Jasper enjoyed historical non-fiction, and I was pretty set in my love for classics. He offered to bring me a couple of books he'd particularly enjoyed, and I pouted a little when he told me he'd already read everything I owned. Of course he had.

Jasper also really liked Chess, and I foolishly challenged him to a game. Renee had gone through a phase a couple years back, going so far as to sign us both up for classes. I even had cheap set up in my bedroom that I'd brought with me from Arizona. I was sure though that whatever meager aptitude I had for the game would be crushed by not only his experience with the game but also his strategic nature. I almost hoped he'd forget about the whole thing, I wouldn't last five minutes against him.

I was setting the table when Charlie walked in the door, pausing to hang up his gun belt and jacket. I wasn't looking forward to clearing the air with him, but at least I could admit it was something that needed to be done. He'd been so worried about me lately, and I hadn't been able to assure him I was okay. Tonight I wanted to set that right, even if he did manage to pull more information out of me than I hoped.

We ate dinner in near silence, tension thick in the air. It wasn't until I was clearing the dishes away when he finally started talking.

"I know you're hurting, Bells. Have been for awhile, and I know you don't want to talk about it—but you ran off for three days, and that's unacceptable. For all I knew you were lying dead somewhere. I want the truth, Bella. What happened?"

His eyes were full of nothing but concern and I noticed he looked older, more worn around the edges. I could do this. I could relive the horrors of all those months for him.

"When Edward told me he was leaving...he told me he didn't want to do the long distance thing. He said he didn't want me, that I wasn't good for him. He took back everything he gave me," I said quietly, staring out the window over the kitchen sink. My hands clenched into fists in the soapy water, and I mentally prepared myself for the breakdown I'd been expecting but hoping to avoid.

Charlie came to lean against the counter next to me, already looking furious.

I took a deep breath, I had to get through this. Calm invaded my senses and I knew Jasper was near. His presence bolstered me, gave me the courage to tell my Dad what had happened to take his daughter away.

"When Alice was visiting she got a call from Rosalie. She thought Edward was going to hurt himself, he'd run off, disappeared, and he wouldn't answer his phone. Alice was terrified, and we didn't think...we just ran. No matter what had happened between us I had to try to help.

"We got on a plane and we found him eventually...it was really bad Charlie, he was going to kill himself. We got him and they brought me home," I tried to use as few breaths as I could to spit it all out. The fewer times I had to stop the less chance there was of falling apart.

The story itself wasn't so painful to recount, I'd thought it would be worse. The horrible part was the other memories bubbling to the surface. This story was an intense reminder of why I was afraid for my life right now. The Volturi would be coming for me, and I had no way to know when. They were going to kill me, and I didn't think even Jasper and a pack of Werewolves could stop them. I looked at Charlie, wondering what would happen to him when I had to leave. Another thick wave of calm and peace washed over me, and I took another few breaths trying to compose myself.

"There's more to it, Bella. What happened when you got back?" Charlie asked kindly. I really hadn't given him his due, he was very perceptive.

"Edward told me that he lied to me, that he told me those things because he thought it'd be easier for me to get over it," I said, the anger seeping into my voice despite Jasper's influence. "He told me he'd intended that I move on, find another boyfriend—and then he asked me if I would take him back.

"I couldn't do it. I couldn't let him back into my life like that, knowing he lied to me, discarded my opinion before he'd even opened his mouth. He made the choice for me, and he almost killed me doing it. I told him no, and he went back to California."

The look on Charlie's face was indecipherable, I had no idea if he believed me or not but I found I didn't care. It was the first time I'd ever been able to talk about what happened between me and Edward and the experience was cathartic, the outcome of the conversation didn't matter. What mattered was I could talk about this without falling apart. I could recall the details, the words spoken, and my heart still thudded in my chest, my lungs still filled with air. The world hadn't ended, and for the first time in a long time I thought that maybe I would be able to recover from this disaster.

Charlie stood still for a couple minutes before taking a step closer to hug me. It was a rare showing of affection for Charlie, and I was touched.

"You're the best thing that ever happened in my life, Bells, I'm proud of you," he whispered into my hair before stepping back. I pretended not to notice when he ran his fingers beneath his eyes. "I'm gonna watch the game."

He moved towards the living room and I was so overcome with love and guilt. He didn't deserve to go through all that, and it wouldn't be long before he'd have to go through it all over again. "I love you, Dad."

He turned to grin at me before continuing on.

"Love ya too, Bells."

I made quick work of rinsing and drying our dishes, and when I went up to my room I was surprised to see Jasper staring out my window. The door had barely clicked into place before he asked, "Was that true? Is that what Edward said to you?"

"Yeah," I said, shuffling over to stand next to him.

Jasper was standing still as a board and I could feel the rage trickling out beyond the grasp of his gift. I couldn't understand why he was so angry about this.

He must have felt my curiosity because a moment later he said, "You didn't deserve that. It was uncalled for, he never told us he was going to do that. I should go rip his fucking arms off and beat some respect into him."

"No you shouldn't," I said quietly. Edward had wronged me, yes, but I just wanted to move on with my life.

"The hell I shouldn't," he snapped, "Alice told me what you were like after we left. Charlie said it was like living with a zombie. Like you'd _died_. That fucker did that to you, and he did it intentionally. He should pay." Droplets of venom sprayed across my window as he spat out the last word. I wasn't sure how to make him understand how I felt. Yes, I wanted him to pay for what he'd done to me, what he'd done to Charlie, but this wasn't the answer.

"He is. He asked for me back and I said no. He may not be able to understand that what we shared wasn't healthy, but you said it yourself, he does care for me in a way. He's reaping the consequences of his actions. Just let it be, Jasper."

"If I ever see that fucking shit-head again..."

The emotion Jasper projected to me was indescribable. It was like love and camaraderie and friendship rolled up into one. I swallowed thickly, not understanding how he could feel such affection for me.

"I know, you'll be all mean and scary and you'll avenge my horrific breakup."

"Fucking right I will."

* * *

That night the nightmares returned.

I was running through the forest, chasing something just beyond my sight. The dirt crunched beneath my feet as they pounded into the ground, my muscles ached, my lungs were on fire. My path twisted and turned through the trees, I was lost...and suddenly I was what was being chased.

Twigs snapped behind me, leaves rustled as I pushed myself harder, faster, I had to get away. My chest burned, my legs were numb, I couldn't do it anymore.

I collapsed and dug my fingers into the soft earth. The sky opened up above the canopy and rain poured down, soaking me in an instant. I was panting, desperately trying to suck air into my lungs when a deep growl sounded from behind me. My hair whipped through the air as I turned my head to identify the source of the sound, and I was met with the sight of Jasper. He was covered in dirt, leaves stuck in his hair. The rumbling from his chest echoed out through the forest, but what struck me was the look in his eyes. Violent red swam in their depths, but somehow he looked kind, sympathetic.

In a flash he was on me, pressing the length of his body into mine...pushing me deeper into the earth. Every molecule of him vibrated against me, and he moved his mouth to my ear and whispered, "I know what to do...I can make it all go away."

His teeth tore through my neck as his hand fisted my hair. His thigh was wedged between my legs, his arm holding me down. I was trapped and he was draining me. The world swam in and out of focus...and then he stopped. He licked a long line up my neck.

"It will all be over soon."

The burning began...and I screamed.

"Bella! Wake up!"

The voice was urgent, and as I began to wake up I realized I was sitting upright. The arms around me were familiar...Jasper...

I bolted back from him, crawling back to my headboard. My breaths came out in uneven pants and for a brief moment I was terrified. As soon as I began to panic Jasper was up and across the room, and as I calmed I felt terrible.

"I'm sorry," I choked out, "I had a nightmare...I'm okay now."

He looked at me warily, before crossing the room and sitting a couple feet away from me.

"It didn't sound like a nightmare. You scared the shit out of me," he said quietly.

"Charlie!"

"He's asleep now, by the time he woke up I was close enough to knock him out. Do you...do you want to talk about it?"

"No! No...it was just a dream." I forced myself to take deep even breaths. I would never tell him about this nightmare. "You can go, I'm fine, I promise."

He didn't believe me but stood anyways. At the window he turned his head to look at me, "If you change your mind just call," he said before he disappeared into the night.


	3. Chapter 3

I didn't hear anything from Jacob until Monday. I tried calling a couple of times over the weekend but Billy seemed to be on phone answering duty and continually told me Jake wasn't home. I might have bought it if Charlie hadn't come home on Sunday and told me that Jacob had spent all day locked in his bedroom while he and Billy watched the game.

The confirmation that Jacob was indeed avoiding me, coupled with the stress of the past week had made my school day particularly intolerable. It didn't help that my classmates had decided enough time had passed since my disappearance, and began asking questions. For the better part of the day I tried to be polite in my denial to give out any information, but by the time lunch rolled around I was at the end of my rope, which is how I ended up snapping at Jessica in the middle of Math class to 'mind her own fucking business.' I earned my very first detention for that one, but at least the inquisition stopped.

By the time I finally made my way home I just wanted to curl up in bed and pretend the whole day never happened. Instead I was greeted with the sight of Jacob standing on my front lawn, toe to toe with Jasper.

Jasper had, for some reason, chosen to spend much of the weekend keeping me company while Charlie was out fishing and watching baseball with Billy. I never had told Charlie that Jasper hadn't departed along with the rest of the family, and I didn't have any plans to. I couldn't think of a plausible reason he'd be here. He'd already graduated, he didn't have a job. I thought that maybe Jasper was a little hurt that he had to hide his presence from my father and the rest of Forks, but in the end he didn't argue about it.

We spent nearly all of Saturday afternoon sprawled out in my living room watching reality television, which for some reason Jasper found hilarious. I thought it was just plain awful, but found it impossible to make him change the channel when he was so clearly having a good time.

We talked a lot too, mostly about how things had been after the Cullen's left. It was getting easier and easier for me to talk about the dark times that had followed their departure. I could still feel the edges of the hole that had once been in my chest, but somehow I stayed intact. The more I talked about it the more I could feel the seams knitting closed. I felt foolish for not opening up about how hard it had all been earlier. Maybe I could have moved on sooner, maybe it didn't need to be so painful, but who could I have talked to? The only option was Jacob or maybe Emily, but it felt wrong to discuss my mourning for the family of vampires I had loved so much with The Pack.

Jasper was easy to talk to. He would listen, and rarely interrupted. He let me get it all out without judging me for how badly I'd fallen apart, and I was grateful for the opportunity to finally expel all the hurt and anger I'd been holding inside for so long. Even the parts I was sure would make him angry, specifically my insane attempts to hear Edward's voice, he took with grace. I could see in the set of his jaw and his clenched fists that he was upset that I had put myself in such danger, but he said nothing on the matter.

Jasper told me a little about his time with the Cullen's before they came to Forks, carefully leaving out anything about Alice or Edward. He admitted that he found it difficult to live with so many vampires who didn't trust him, how much he hated feeling the pity flow off of them when he slipped up. I couldn't help but think that if they had trusted him more, given him more opportunities to become acclimated to the smell of human blood then maybe everything would have been a little easier on him.

It was like he was an entirely different person, but somehow more him. He dressed more casually, and I had to admit the look suited him better. He seemed more comfortable in a way I couldn't define. I wanted to believe he was blossoming now that he was out from under the thumb of his coven, but I didn't allow the thought to take root. I only wanted to think he was in a better place now to assuage the torrent of guilt I felt, to somehow convince myself it wasn't so selfish of me to allow him to stay here instead of sending him home.

When Charlie returned home at night Jasper spent his time running through the woods trying to catch any trace of Victoria. The trails he'd caught around the house had been old, made weeks ago according to him. There were fresher ones by the reservation, and Jasper had concluded she was using the ocean and rivers to travel, which was going to make finding her a whole lot more difficult.

I was brought back to the present by a low growl directed at Jasper, and I made myself focus on what was happening on my front lawn. Jacob's presence probably meant The Pack had come to a decision.

"We're in," he said to me as I walked around the front of my truck. "Sam wants to meet with both of you, and he's going to permit the bloodsucker on our land to do it. We can't leave our people unprotected, and Tribal Law says the whole Pack's gotta be there."

"His name is Jasper, Jake." It was only fair, Jasper hadn't once called them anything but 'The Pack' since our argument, and I couldn't let Jacob get away with calling him a bloodsucker.

Jasper sent me a small amount of gratitude, and I thought that maybe he preferred to communicate this way when he could.

Jacob said nothing about my correction. "Billy will cover with Charlie, tell him you're coming to a bonfire, meeting's tomorrow night. Seven o'clock."

"I can't, I'm grounded," I said sadly. I wanted to be there for the meeting. I trusted Jasper and The Pack, but I didn't trust them together. Neither had the other's best interests at heart.

Jacob smirked. "I told you, Billy will take care of it. I've got you covered."

He sounded far too proud of himself, I was sure his attitude had something to do with Jasper, but I just couldn't help but smile at him. I hoped we were easing our way back into our friendship, the past few days had been so hard without him.

" _Jasper_ needs an escort from The Pack while on our lands. Wait at the boundary line and someone will come to bring you to the meeting," Jacob gnashed his teeth, but it was progress. Now if only I could make them stop growling at each other...

Jacob abandoned his standoff with Jasper to envelope me in a tight hug and whisper in my ear, "And at some point you and I need to talk. Alone." He released me with a tight smile and jogged back to the tree line, unbuckling his pants as he went.

"Jesus, Jacob!" I shouted and turned my head as fast as I could. I absolutely did not need to see that. The only response was Jacob's deep laugh and I could have sworn he said, "You know you love it," before he phased.

Jasper had an indecipherable look on his face as he stared at the woods where Jacob had disappeared.

"What?" I asked as I moved to his side and nudged his arm.

"You think he'll be pissed if I show up at the boundary line tonight with some shirts for him?" he responded with a grin.

I laughed, "Probably. Jacob seems to have come to the conclusion that clothes are for suckers. He'd probably walk around naked all the time if he thought he could get away with it."

"I could make him self-conscious, might do him some good," Jasper mused, and I was amazed at how normal this felt. Standing in the yard joking around with Jasper. Actually, I wasn't sure he _was_ joking, but still...it was nice.

"Alright, let's go inside. I know you have a plan, and I'd prefer to know what you're going to walk into with the wolves."

He followed me to the door and went straight to the kitchen and sat at the table. I busied myself making a start on dinner, and he took a couple of minutes before he started talking.

"I think that if we can come to some sort of understanding with the wolves it will be an easy job. Victoria is smart, but she'll never expect us to be working together, she'll think that since I'm here you're no longer under their protection. The problem is that with the wolves involved we're flying blind. Alice can't see us at all."

My lungs sucked in air without my permission and my entire body tensed. I was vaguely aware that the cheese I had been grating fell to the counter, but my focus was on Jasper's words. I hadn't been aware Alice was a factor at all. It was all well and good to talk to Jasper about the past, but I wasn't quite ready to hear that any of them were somehow involved in my life now. It was irrational to consider their departure an abandonment, but whenever I started thinking about them the notion crept up, taunted me, told me I'd never be good enough for them. I had accepted the logic of the situation when I ended things, but my heart...my heart still ached. Jasper's hands gripped my shoulders, and I tried to regulate my breathing.

"She called. When I decided to ask you to contact The Pack our futures disappeared, she thought something had happened," Jasper said quietly while his thumbs pressed soft circles into my shoulders. I felt my body start to relax little by little, but his able hands did nothing for the torrent of emotions raging inside me.

"Why didn't she call me?" I asked. I hated the sound of my voice, so weak and unsure. It hadn't even been a week, and surely Jasper deserved a phone call from her more than I did. I didn't even know what I would say to her, but I had stared at the shiny pink plastic she'd handed to me the last time I'd seen her every single night, wondering why she would have given it to me if she wasn't going to call and I was going to be too cowardly to call her. I knew all these things, but the hurt welled up inside of me anyways, clouding my judgment.

I felt the weight of Jasper's forehead against the back of my head, and he breathed words into my hair, "I think she's afraid it would be too painful."

"What's painful is not talking to her." I closed my eyes and leaned my head back into his a little. The contact was nice, soothing. It helped to manage the pain that echoed just beneath the surface every time I thought of any of them. I had tried so hard to be okay, to not allow the events that took place last Wednesday bring me down, but it was just so much. I had come to terms with what happened after my birthday, but more recent events were harder for me to accept.

"For her, Bella...I think she's afraid it would be too painful for her if she called you."

I was being selfish, thinking I was the only one hurting. I really should call her, call Emmett, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. There was still a part of me that thought that they could have stayed, they should have stayed. Jasper did.

"It's okay to miss her, to miss them," he told me as understanding flowed out from his fingertips. "And it's okay to be angry with them, too. You don't need to feel guilty about these things."

"I can't help it. I basically told them to leave, I let them go. I have no right to be upset about it," my voice wavered and I forced a sob back. "I shouldn't be mad at them for staying with their family." I said the words even though I didn't believe them, they were just lies I told myself late at night to try and silence the hurt and anger that boiled inside me as I tried to sleep.

"You are their family too," Jasper countered. "We were all thrust between a rock and a hard place, there was no right answer that night, and I'll never stop trying to make that up to you."

The guilt he projected into me was so strong that if I hadn't had my hands braced on the counter top I would have slid to the floor. He couldn't possibly still hold himself accountable for what happened, he'd done nothing wrong.

"Don't," I said, my voice stronger that I thought I was capable of at the moment. "If I don't get to feel guilty neither do you."

Jasper propped his chin on top of my head, taking a moment to deliberate before replying, "I will never stop feeling guilty for what we've done to you, for what I've done to you—but you're right, this last time, that one's on Edward."

I reached up to lay my hands over his and squeezed tight. "Yeah, I guess it is."

I was in desperate need of a change of subject, so I turned the conversation back to the problem at hand, "If your plan is to make Victoria think that I'm no longer protected by the wolves then how is their 'baby-sitting' me going to help any?"

Jasper froze, and after a moment stepped back. I turned to look at him, and I was amazed to see he actually looked a little guilty.

"I actually didn't plan that. I wanted to get a read on Jacob, figure out how he felt about you. When he saw you and felt protective I figured the best way to get him and the rest of The Pack involved was to say I needed them to guard you." He had the good sense to pretend to be ashamed.

I should have been angry, furious that he used me, and Jacob's feelings for me, to bend the situation to his liking—but for some reason it was just too funny. Jasper the big strong vampire actually looked afraid of my reaction to this piece of information.

I tried to suppress my laugh and told him, "Jesus, sometimes I wish I could just _turn you off._ It's like you're five seconds away from turning into a super-villain. What is your real plan, my dear, sweet, manipulative vampire?"

Jasper chuckled, "Sometimes I just don't understand you at all. Alright my dear, clumsy, walking disaster," he returned to his seat at the kitchen table, tilting his chair back and resting his boots on the tabletop. I glared at him but it didn't make any difference.

"I think she'll come straight for you if she thinks she has a chance, hunting her down isn't going to be necessary. It will also be to our advantage to have the encounter on our terms." His relaxed posture contrasted with the strength of his voice, the seriousness of his tone, and I wondered if he did that on purpose or if it was a habit he'd developed when he was human and in the Army. I'd have to ask about it.

"The wolves have been guarding you relentlessly, making it too difficult to get past them to you. I want to make it look like they've stopped, that there's only me between you and her. She'll come for you, and I will kill her," he said it like it was the simplest thing in the world.

I was more than a little nervous about this plan. It left no room for error, if one thing went wrong, if she got the upper hand somehow then we were both dead.

"You doubt me," he stated.

He didn't look upset when I nodded my head and told him, "It's not that I don't think you can do it, I've seen you fight. I'm just afraid..."

"I think I'm going to have to reassure you at the expense of the wolves tomorrow night then," he said with a malicious smile.

"What? No!" I was horrified. He couldn't possibly think he would be able to use my fear as an excuse to brawl with The Pack, there was just no way I was going to let that happen.

"How many vampires have they actually encountered, Bella? How many have they killed? They need the experience," he pointed out.

"They...they killed Laurent..." I argued even though I had a sick feeling in my gut that he was right.

"Who was not a fighter. When things went bad last spring he turned tail and ran to Denali. They also outnumbered him by quite a lot. They _should_ each be able to do it alone. If they are going to be involved in this then I need to know what they are capable of and how much I can depend on them."

I didn't want to admit that he had a point so I focused on dinner again, setting water to boil on the stove before pulling out vegetables for a salad. I was about to start chopping when Jasper's hand wrapped around my wrist.

"I'll do that," he said gently, prying the knife from my fingers, "My control may be better, but you handling a knife in my presence is still a very bad idea."

He hip checked me out of the way and set about the task of cutting the vegetables. I was surprised he was working at human speed with a slight smile on his face. I placed the salad bowl in front of him to toss the cut up vegetables in while I started tearing the lettuce.

"How did that happen, now that you mention it. You always stayed so far away from me before, you don't seem to have any trouble now," I asked. It was yet another question in the increasingly long list of things I didn't quite understand.

Jasper was silent for a long moment before saying, "I no longer see food when I look at humans. Now I just see your face, watching me come to kill you."

I blew out a breath. What a way to put it.

"It also helps that the smell of rancid wet dog is _everywhere,_ " he said, shaking his head and effectively breaking the sudden tension.

"I wish we'd become friends earlier," I blurted out through my sudden laughter, and for the first time in months a genuine smile crept across my face.

"Me too."

We finished preparing the meal in silence, and he laid out the silverware while I put plates and glasses on the table. We worked well together, and I found myself hoping he would be around like this often.

"Charlie's coming," Jasper said as I set the food on the table and headed towards the back door.

"Jasper, I know you said that you're okay...you know, with Alice—but if you ever want to talk about it I just wanted to tell you that I'm here. I'll listen," I said.

He didn't turn around but the love he sent me before he walked out the door warmed my soul. Even though he was gone I focused on everything he'd done for me hoping that he was close enough to feel the love I had for him as well.

* * *

Getting Charlie to agree to my trip to La Push was ridiculously easy. Billy had called him at the station earlier and invited me to a Tribal Meeting. He told Charlie it was a big deal to invite an outsider, and Charlie relented. He'd always had a soft spot for Jacob anyways, and was happy that I would be spending some time with him. In Charlie's mind it was Jacob who brought me back when I'd been lost, and I'm sure he thought it would do me some good to hang out with him.

That night after a hasty dinner with Charlie I went up to my room and pulled the cell phone Alice had given out of my bedside table and stared at it for a good ten minutes. I wanted to talk to her, wanted some reassurance that she missed me, but some part of me wanted her to call first. Wanted her to take that first step because that would mean she really wanted to keep me in her life, and it didn't matter how irrational I knew the desire to be—somewhere along the line I'd made the decision already. I wasn't going to put myself out there to be hurt by the Cullen's again. I wondered if Alice had seen this, that I wouldn't use this gift she'd given me.

Curious about just what phone numbers had been entered into the contacts, I flipped the pink contraption open. It took a few minutes to figure out how to navigate the controls, I'd never had a cell phone before; the house phone was barely a step above rotary. I finally found my way to the phone book and scrolled through the names, and drew a quick breath when I saw Jasper's name glowing at me.

I don't know what possessed me to do it, but before I could even think about it I'd hit the send button and pressed the phone to my ear. I almost hung up after the first ring, I probably should have, but he'd know I called anyways and knowing him he'd show up in my bedroom within five minutes. Two more rings went by and I couldn't help but worry that I was crossing some sort of imaginary boundary, but he'd told me more than once to call if I needed him, surely he wouldn't be upset.

"What's wrong?" Jasper answered on the fourth ring, and as I went to answer I realized I'd been gnawing on my fingernails.

"Nothing," I answered, pausing because I really had no idea why I called him.

"You do realize I'm close enough to feel you, what's got you so nervous?" Jasper asked, making me feel like the stupidest person in the world.

"Don't be embarrassed," he snickered.

"Oh, shut up," I grumbled, feeling the heat rise in my cheeks. "I just..." I trailed off with a sigh.

"Want me to come over?" he asked gently, and for some reason that was exactly what I wanted.

"You don't have to," I offered, because he surely had better things to do than soothe an insecurity I couldn't even identify. A low beep sounded from the phone, and I pulled it away from my ear to see that the line had gone dead. I was briefly disappointed and more than a little hurt that he'd hung up on me, but was snapped out of it by a quiet chuckle from across the room.

My head snapped up, and there was Jasper, casually leaning against the wall next to my open window.

"It's no bother," he smirked, concluding our abandoned conversation.

I snapped the cell phone closed and stared at it for a moment, struggling with a way to put how I was feeling into words and wondering if it was even okay to talk to Jasper about something like this. These people I was so uncertain of were his family, and it probably wasn't fair to complain to him about them.

He must have felt my warring emotions, or somehow perceived that I just didn't know what to say because I felt the mattress dip as he took a seat on the other side of the bed and put the chess set that had been on top of my bookcase between us.

"You're going down, Swan," he teased, pulling the top off the box and laying it upside-down on my comforter, placing the board on top of it.

"In your dreams, Hale," I retorted, sounding far more confident than I was. He was going to destroy me, and from the smirk on his face I could tell he knew it.

"Whitlock," he corrected quietly. "It's Whitlock now. Color?" he asked, shaking the side of the box with the pieces inside slightly. I wondered where the sudden change in surname came from, why he was distancing himself from his family but reminded myself it was none of my business.

"White."

"You know that going first doesn't really give you an advantage right?" he ribbed playfully, setting up the black pieces on his side of the board.

I lined up my row of pawns carefully, trying to not to let on that that was the exact reason I'd picked white. Once we both had all our pieces in the correct spots I moved the pawn in front of my king up two spaces, both demonstrating the only decent opening move I knew and exhausting everything I'd retained from Renee's brief infatuation with the game.

Jasper did the same, and waited patiently for me to take my turn.

"You know, this is the first time in almost a decade I've played chess," he said thoughtfully.

I finally decided to move one of my knights, and as I placed it back on the board I looked at him. He was sitting cross legged, resting his elbows on his knees. The curls of his hair fell over his face in waves, a small smile playing across his face.

"Why's that?" I asked, and was immediately smothered with uncertainty so thick that I was fully convinced I'd just fucked up the entire game. The invading emotion left me after a brief moment, and I shook my head, trying to dispel the remnants of Jasper's gift.

"Alice and Edward were the only ones who would play with me. You wouldn't believe how much cheating went on," he laughed ruefully. "They claimed it was unintentional, but nonetheless I was forced to retaliate. In the end it wasn't even about whatever game we were playing, it was just us trying to outsmart each other's gifts," he explained as he took his turn.

"That kind of sucks." I felt immensely bad for him. His gift was controllable, but it sounded like no one trusted him not to cheat with it. I wondered how anyone could think of him as anything less than honorable. It was almost like the trait was ingrained in him.

We continued our game in silence. To my surprise Jasper didn't completely annihilate me, not right away at least. I was sure he could have won in less than five minutes if he tried to, but he seemed content to play at my skill level. Every now and then he'd throw out tips and words of encouragement, letting me know when I made a good move or pointing specific defensive maneuvers he was making as we went along. It was the most fun I'd had in ages.

"I don't think I can call her," I blurted out when Jasper took one of my pawns. His hand stilled for a second as he swept my piece off the board.

"And you feel bad about it?" Jasper asked, knowing exactly who I was talking about.

I stared at the chess board for a good two minutes, part of me debating my next move and part of me trying to decide exactly what part of my cowardice was bothering me so much.

"A little. Mostly I just feel petty and ungrateful," I confessed, sliding my rook two spaces to the left, where Jasper immediately captured it with a bishop I hadn't taken into account.

"Okay," Jasper said quietly.

All thoughts of chess and strategy left my brain and I snapped my gaze to Jasper's.

"Okay?" I asked incredulously. What sort of a response was that?

"Yeah, okay. I get where you're coming from, and you have every right to feel the way you do. I'm not going to berate you for being hurt by what's happened," he said, glancing up at me as he made his move, the corner of his mouth rising into a smile. "Checkmate."

I looked down at the board, baffled. Sure enough, there it was. I had no idea how he'd managed to corner my king with my own pieces.

"Well, fuck," I muttered.

"You shouldn't rely so heavily on your queen. Your rooks are powerful too, but I was able to take them both because you were too busy protecting her. Be more balanced, you need to focus on your pieces just as much as your opponents," Jasper said, resetting the board.

"Yeah," I whispered, clasping my hands in my lap.

I wondered if the double meaning I read in his words was intentional or not, even though it was fairly obvious it was. I hadn't known Jasper very well before all this happened, but his advice struck a chord in me, and long after he left I laid in bed staring at my ceiling, pondering just what he had meant.


	4. Chapter 4

Then sun was setting behind thick clouds as I drove down the highway towards La Push. It was days like today that made me hate the constant cloud cover of Washington, the fog of grey that obscured everything in sight. My life had been a complete whirlwind since returning from Italy, and all I wanted was just one day of normalcy, one day I could pretend none of this had ever happened and lay out in the sun.

Instead I was subjected to gloom and an almost constant sense of foreboding, like the weather was mimicking my mood and predicting more misery to come. I let out a sigh as I pulled my truck over next to the last mile marker before the road became Tribal land and leaned my head back against the headrest, trying to find some calm waters in the storm brewing inside me.

I had plenty to be happy about, plenty to be thankful for, and I needed to remember that instead of letting myself get caught up in all that was going wrong.

The passenger side door creaked as it opened, and I turned my head to see Jasper climbing in the truck before pulling it closed behind him. I was pleasantly surprised he didn't insist on driving, Edward always did.

"I'm going to make them angry, just so you know. I'm also going to fight them. I'm telling you this now because I don't want you to panic. I promise not to do any lasting damage," he said firmly, his eyes focused straight ahead of him. He was projecting just enough that I could feel the whispers of something ghosting across my skin, but it wasn't strong enough to identify the emotion.

Truthfully I had expected this is what he would do, but that didn't make me feel any better about it. Jasper was testing them, he wanted to know how capable they were, how much work would need to go into getting them up to his standards; after our discussion yesterday afternoon I had to agree with him that they could use some training. They had numbers on their side, and that had been enough so far, it might even be enough to deal with Victoria. My concern and I was sure I was alone in it, was that in the future there may be more threats, more dangerous enemies to face. I wanted them all to be safe, and if Jasper was willing to help them, I wanted him to.

I pulled the car back onto the road, and within minutes I caught a glimpse of Paul in my headlights, standing at what I assumed was the boundary line. His arms were crossed against his bare chest; cut-off shorts slung low on his hips. He must have been on patrol before he came here, because even though the rain let up nearly an hour ago his hair was wet and stuck to his forehead in chunks. Somehow he was even bigger than the last time I saw him, and he looked angry.

"Looks like I'm not going to have to try too hard to piss them off," Jasper said under his breath as I slowed and cranked the window down.

Paul jogged over and said, "Jake's house," in a near growl before jumping in the truck bed. It wasn't that I was surprised at his attitude, but he'd been nicer to me lately and the set back stung. I had prepared myself for the very real possibility that the wolves would no longer want anything to do with me, after all, I had all but chosen my side when I left with Alice—but I had hoped they had accepted the situation for what it was. I have done the same for any of them, and I wished they could see beyond their differences with the Cullen's to recognize that.

" _Todo este lugar huele a perro mojado_ ," Jasper spat as we drove into La Push.

I glanced over at him and he was tense, fists clenched in his lap and glaring out the windshield. I'd have to ask him later what he said, I was pretty sure he was speaking Spanish, and I was almost positive I heard the word 'dog' in there somewhere.

Paul jumped out of the truck before I'd even come to a stop, and Jasper and I followed him around the back of Jacob's house to the woods. Paul stripped his shorts off and I hurried to cover my eyes.

Jasper chuckled beside me and I blindly turned in his direction, completely exasperated. "They're always doing this, just pulling their pants off with no warning!"

Jasper let out a tense chuckle, prying my hand off my face and shaking his head before guiding me towards the giant gray wolf waiting for us. Paul let out a long, deep growl directed at Jasper before turning to walk through the trees, leading us deep into the woods.

We had been walking for about fifteen minutes when Jasper's posture straightened by the smallest bit. "We're close."

The nerves I'd been trying to suppress kicked up a notch. Jasper sent me a short burst of calm, and I assumed it was his non-verbal way of telling me to get a grip on myself.

Five minutes later we broke through the trees into a large clearing. Tall trees surrounded us on all sides, casting long and ominous shadows onto the overgrown grass. Sam stood in the middle; the rest of the pack was phased standing behind him in formation. There were more of them now. I counted five wolves standing behind Sam once Paul joined them, and I didn't see Jacob anywhere. The pack had two new members, and I idly wondered who they were.

"Where's Jacob?" I asked, directing my question at Sam. He'd specifically said that the only reason Jasper was going to be permitted in La Push was because the entire pack had to be present.

"On Patrol, he'll switch off with Paul soon," Sam's gruff voice answered.

"Vampire," he addressed Jasper, his gaze still focused on me, "Jacob says you want to kill the red haired leech. What makes you think we'd be willing to work with you?"

"You've already decided to help Bella, it just so happens she wants me to help too," Jasper said, his voice full of contempt.

"But I'm willing to make you a deal," Jasper said, taking a step forward. "If your pack can take me down, I will consider you capable of handling the situation as you see fit. If I can incapacitate your wolves..." he trailed off and I saw a slight smile color his profile, "...I'm in charge."

"And what about your ability, Empath?" Sam asked.

Jasper shot me full of annoyance and I cringed. I knew I shouldn't have told Jacob about what the Cullen's could do—but I had needed someone to talk to, and at the time I thought they were gone for good.

"Do you think I am the only gifted vampire there is?" he sneered, "Of course I will use it."

Sam pulled his shorts down in one swift motion, tossed them to the side and phased. I didn't know if I would be able to watch this, but it was like a train wreck, I couldn't tear my eyes away from the scene in front of me as The Pack lowered themselves into crouches, and Jasper pulled his shirt over his head and toed off his boots.

I had never seen Jasper in anything but pants and long sleeved shirts, and I was struck dumb by the thick muscles that wrapped around his arms and over his back. I'd know he was attractive, all vampires were, but there was something else about him; some unknown quality that the other vampires I'd known hadn't possessed. There was something odd about the texture of his skin but I couldn't pinpoint what it was, and it was irrelevant anyway. What held my attention was the way the sparse light that managed to escape the cloud cover and obstruction of leaves and branches made him shine. It was like he was lit from the inside, glowing against the backdrop of murky brown and green that was the forest.

Jasper's action had the opposite effect on the wolves. The growling intensified, and a smaller sandy colored wolf I'd never seen before actually took a step back.

"I need you to stand at the edge of the trees, Bella. Do not come into the clearing. Do you understand?" Jasper asked, and for the first time in a very long time I did exactly as I was told. I didn't want to be anywhere near the chaos that was about to break out. I was starting to seriously regret my decision to go along with this insane plan of Jasper's now that we were here. I didn't want them fighting, and I was terrified somebody was going to be hurt.

The first wolf to charge was Paul, and a split second later Embry followed. Jasper crouched and when Paul was about to bear down on him he twisted his torso and landed a hit to Paul's stomach, throwing him back towards the trees on the opposite side of the clearing. My fingernails were already digging into my palms and I had to force my hands to relax so I wouldn't draw blood.

Jasper pivoted and kicked Embry hard, sending him flying to my left. Neither wolf got up. I was unnerved by the small whimpers sounding from the far corners just within my sight, my feet itched to run to them and make sure they were okay, but the composure of the rest of The Pack eased the nagging worry enough for me to make myself stay put.

Sam led the next charge flanked by the two newest wolves. Jasper broke into a run and leapt over him, twisting in the air to land in a crouch behind them. They were forced to change direction too quickly and before they had time to regroup Jasper already had his hand around the silver wolf's throat. I figured the action symbolized defeat because he immediately him go, and a dart of silver went to sit by Embry, snarling loudly the whole way.

It was just Sam and the sandy colored wolf left, they both circled Jasper in wide arcs trying to get behind him. The sandy wolf abruptly fell to the ground and in the blink of an eye Jasper was on Sam's back, forcing him down. He had a hand clenched in the fur between Sam's ears and I saw his lips move with words too quiet for me to hear before they both stood. Sam loped off into the forest, picking up his discarded shorts in his mouth on the way. I assumed he was going to phase back.

I looked around the clearing; it looked just the same as it had before they'd started. There was no trampled grass or downed branches, not one speck of evidence of what had just happened here. The entire thing couldn't have lasted more than five minutes, and though I didn't want to admit it Jasper's obvious competency in battle did a lot to reassure me. I still wasn't positive he could take care of Victoria on his own, but with the wolves added into the equation the odds were tilting in our favor.

The wolves were gathering back in the middle slowly, and I let out a breath I hadn't been aware I was holding. Embry was limping a little, but otherwise seemed fine, and the newer wolf Jasper had used his gift on still looked a little discombobulated, but other than that they were all okay. Thank God.

"I told you, no lasting damage," Jasper said from beside me and I startled. He was holding his discarded shirt and shoes in one hand and my jaw dropped when I spotted what the superior eyesight of the wolves had seen when he'd removed his shirt.

They were very faint; I could barely make them out—but across his chest and arms were hundreds of slightly raised lines, only discernible by the faint shadows cast beneath them. They crissed and crossed over his entire torso, heavier on his right shoulder and his neck with others scattered across his chest and stomach. I reached out to trace one on his bicep, following the slightly curved dashes and realized they were bite marks...just like mine.

Something horrific must have happened to him at some point in his life, and my body ached with grief for whatever it was he'd had to live through. It had to have been awful. I couldn't even begin to imagine just how many of the bite marks littered his skin, how many vampires had torn their teeth through his flesh. After what I'd just seen I had to wonder how many of those vampires he'd left alive.

Jasper tensed and moved out of my reach, pulling his shirt over his head in one swift motion. "Not now," he said quietly and I nodded. There were more important things to deal with.

Sam strode back through the trees to stand before his wolves again, and we made our way back towards the center of the clearing.

"I will take care of Victoria, and the best way to do that is to let her come to us. I need you to reroute your patrols to avoid Bella's house but still keep you nearby so Victoria will think you are no longer protecting her," Jasper's tone was firm. "I take no issue with you watching Cullen land, if she's worth anything she'll know I'm here and if she thinks we are at odds with each other it will only work to our advantage."

"And you think you can take her alone, Empath?" Sam asked.

"I know I can," Jasper shot back, "But I also respect your responsibility to your tribe, and no matter how disgusting the notion I am willing to work with you to take care of the bitch."

I almost laughed at the look on Sam's face; it was full of total shock and disbelief. The eerie silence that had fallen over the area broke when Jacob chose that moment to appear. He was in human form, and as soon as he walked to Sam's side Paul shot off into the woods to take over patrolling the border.

"I can't believe I missed the chance to kick your sparkly ass," Jacob complained.

Jasper tilted his head to the side and looked at him with a small smile on his face. "Any time, pup. I look forward to beating some modesty into you," Jasper retorted, and I elbowed him lightly.

"Stop baiting them already, you made your point."

He sent me a wave of remorse that was laced with far too much mirth to be sincere before addressing the wolves again, "We need to discuss a battle plan, come up with a way to keep you out of sight but near enough to join the fight after we've lured Victoria in. These two," he pointed at the two wolves I didn't know, "are the fastest as far as I can tell. I want them to be the ones nearby as much as possible, one can run to alert the rest of you and the other can come protect Bella."

'No," Sam growled, looking upset. I wondered how Jasper had managed to not only pick out the two wolves I didn't know, but also wolves that Sam was obviously very protective of. "They are too young and too inexperienced. There's no need to have a messenger, we are connected."

Jasper sent me another wave of annoyance for not telling him about the wolves' telepathy, and I silently promised to tell him everything when we got back to Forks. What harm could it do? I'd already spilled the beans on the Cullen's.

"Then they can both join the fight. One of them can come in from behind and prevent her escape." Jasper seemed to be unwilling to compromise, and I wondered why he was so adamant that these two wolves be involved above the others.

" _They are too young,"_ Sam snarled. The harshness of his voice startled me, and I almost took a step back before realizing Jasper was the one Sam's anger was directed toward.

Jasper had fire in his eyes as he stepped forward and folded his arms across his chest. "With training and discipline they will be your best, and I want nothing less than your best for this."

He shifted his gaze to the wolves in question, "Tomorrow night I will be at a clearing about ten miles north of the Hoh Forest Ranger Station. Victoria hasn't been scouting that area. Come from the west and you'll catch my scent. Those of you who wish to learn may come as well."

I was torn between my loyalties to The Pack and to Jasper. I knew exactly what Sam would do to keep the wolves he didn't want involved out of the way, and though it was yet another betrayal I couldn't not tell Jasper.

"He can forbid them," I whispered, knowing he would hear, "and they have to obey." I closed my eyes tight as the words passed my lips. I didn't want to see The Pack's reaction.

"But he won't," Jasper said, and my eyes snapped open to see him shoot a fleeting grin at me.

A long silence fell over the clearing, the tension so thick in the air I felt like I was breathing it in. I opened my eyes to see Sam glaring murderously at Jasper's challenging expression, his jaw clenched and hands fisted.

"Seth and Leah," Sam said, anger clear in his voice, "their names are Seth and Leah, and they will meet you tomorrow night in your clearing."

Leah? My mind boggled at Sam's brief introduction. As far as I knew only the men of the Quileute tribe phased, how was it possible that Leah was a member of the pack?

The wolves filed out, only Jacob staying behind.

"Why Seth and Leah?" he asked Jasper, taking a couple cautious steps forward. There was nothing but curiosity etched on his face, and I had to admit the question had been burning within me from the moment Jasper had pointed them out. Sure, they were fast, but they all were, and he was adamant that they be included.

"They are quick, what we need are allies who can stay far enough away to avoid detection but who can still reach us in time to help. I said it before, I can take Victoria, but it will be easier if I don't have to worry about Bella."

Jacob was skeptical of Jasper's response and wasn't one for subtlety. "There more to it. We're all quick and there are better fighters among us, what's the real reason?"

Jasper sighed and ran his hand through his hair, throwing a glance in my direction. Whatever he saw in me drove him to answer and I was amazed to see his facade fall apart. There was nothing but passion on his face when he turned to Jacob.

"Leah, she's why," he said quietly, and I don't know who was more surprised, Jacob or me. "She hurts so much, and she wants so badly to prove herself. She needs this, and so does Seth."

"She's the only woman to ever phase, and their father just died...he had a heart attack when they got into an argument and phased in the living room," Jacob whispered, and I wasn't sure if he had even meant to say the words aloud.

"And that's not the only reason," Jasper threw Jake's words back at him, mirroring my thoughts.

"No, it's not," Jacob admitted, "She was involved with Sam before he phased, before he imprinted on Emily."

I had no idea what imprinting was, but judging from Jasper's reaction what happened had been really bad. I was so used to seeing him strong and determined; right now he just looked sad.

"I don't think you'll ever know how much this will do for them," Jacob said, making a move like he wanted to clasp Jasper on the shoulder, but instead let his arm fall idly to his side.

Jasper scowled at him and sneered, "In the end it's _not_ for them. It's for Bella."

He grasped my arm and guided me back the way we'd come, Jacob following behind. Jasper was walking so fast that I was having trouble keeping up with him. I nearly stumbled twice before I tripped. I braced myself for the impact but Jasper simply tugged on the arm he was holding and swung the other underneath my legs and continued walking. I felt ridiculous, being carried by him like some damsel who couldn't be trusted to walk on her own but I still found myself wrapping my arms around his neck and resting my cheek against his shoulder as he continued his long strides towards my car.

"Do you want to drive?" he asked me, and I was filled with gratitude for him.

Jasper fought a pack of werewolves to prove his point but didn't hurt them for me. He gave me choices when it came to anything except for my safety. It was foreign and strange, and I realized it was because he respected me in a way that Edward never had. The tear slipped out from the corner of my eye before I could stop it, and Jasper looked at me curiously. Whatever he was feeling from me made him hold me closer for a moment before setting me down on my feet.

"You drive, I need some time to process," I told him as I fished the keys out of my pocket to hand them over. His hands were resting on my arms and I leaned my forehead into his chest and took a moment to just _breathe_. I felt his chest deflate and expand before I pulled away and pressed the keys into his palm, and climbed into the passenger seat while Jacob leapt into the truck bed just like Paul had on the trip here.

I leaned my head against the glass of the passenger door as Jasper drove us back to Forks in silence and closed my eyes. So much had happened today, yesterday, and I wondered when there would be finally be some time to relax and unwind. We were a couple of blocks away from my house when Jasper pulled the truck over. I lifted my face away from the window to look at him, confused as to why we'd stopped.

"I'll be waiting tomorrow when you get out of school. We'll talk," he said before I blinked and he was gone. I saw Jacob walking to the open driver's side door through the rearview mirror and even though I was angry, I understood. Jasper could not be seen driving me home, Jacob could.

"Are you still mad at me?" I asked him as he shifted gears and pulled the truck back onto the road to make the short trek back to my house.

Jacob didn't answer until we'd pulled into the driveway and he'd turned off the car. "No, I just...I don't understand why you're doing this. He's not good for you, and I don't want to see you wind up hurt again. We can protect you," he turned his head to look at me, "I can protect you."

"I should go in," I said quietly, trying not to relay how much his explanation stung.

Jacob tended to see only one side of the coin, failed to understand the dichotomy that enveloped people like the Cullen's. Yes, they were vampires, and in a way that made them monsters—but they also put so much effort into taming that side of them, into being good, and Jacob either could not or would not acknowledge that. Jasper made the decision to stay behind, to protect me, and no matter how guilty that made me feel, no matter how much his motives confused me, I wouldn't be so ungrateful as to tell him he couldn't be involved.

There had been so much I wanted to talk to Jacob about, so many fences I wanted to mend, but he'd managed to close the conversation before it began, I had nothing left to say to him tonight. I was starting to think he didn't know me as well as either of us had assumed.

"Are you with him now?" he asked, accusation clear in his words as I reached for the door handle.

"With who?" I asked, genuinely confused. Was this what Jacob's problem with me was? He thought I was dating somebody?

"The leech," he replied and I glared at him. "Fine. _Jasper._ "

"No, I'm not dating Jasper," I told him, "but it wouldn't be any business of yours if I was." I got out of the car; I couldn't take any more of this tonight. What right did Jacob have to be angry at me over some half-baked notion? He was supposed to be my friend, and I thought part of that was being supportive and understanding. I would have been for him.

He didn't try to stop me as I walked up the path, and when I turned to close the front door I glanced back out at my truck and saw he had already gone.

I stared at the shiny pink piece of plastic for ten minutes that night, trying to work up the courage to press the buttons. The Cullen's had told me I was family, that they loved me, but twice now they'd left me here. It was something I was starting to come to terms with, but every glint of light reflecting off the device on my bedspread shot hurt through me. They were just a phone call away, but somehow they felt even more distant than they had the first time they left me.

I felt as alone and isolated as I had during those first couple of months without Edward, even though I was surrounded on all sides. With one last longing glance at the gift I didn't think I'd ever use I shoved the phone back into my night stand drawer and curled up under the blankets. My curtains wafted in the breeze in time to the soft drizzle outside. Even though they were gone, even though he was gone and I was okay with that I still couldn't bring myself to close the window.


	5. Chapter 5

I was not pleased when Jasper jumped through my window the next night carrying a sleeping bag and a pillow. We'd discussed this at length over the course of the afternoon, for some reason he'd gotten it into his head that no matter what he wouldn't be out of earshot from me until Victoria was ash. I was mostly happy with his decision, it meant I would presumably get to spend more time with him, but it also meant that tonight, while he trained and fought with werewolves, I had to sleep out under the stars.

"This is ridiculous! Have Jacob come watch the house, Leah and Seth will know if there's a problem and you can come running and be the big damn hero," I argued.

I wanted to sleep in my house, in my room, _in a bed_.

"Nope. It will take too long to get here," Jasper said, still standing in front of my window swinging that stupid sleeping bag by the carrying strap.

"I am not doing this," I said before I came up with a brilliant argument. "Charlie! What if Charlie wakes up and sees me gone?" I thought for sure I had him, Charlie had no idea Jasper was still in town, and he wouldn't want to risk my Father finding out about any of this.

He actually had the nerve to roll his eyes at me before responding, "I'm an Empath, Bella. I can put him to sleep; he won't wake during the night."

"I am not letting you _knock out_ my _Father!_ " The volume of my voice was climbing, he was absolutely incorrigible.

"Calm down or I will make you," he threatened, arching an eyebrow, "Besides, I already did it. He's fine, it won't hurt him any. You act like I've never done it before. Now come on, we both know I could have made you come along already, let's not waste any more time."

"Well then why didn't you just make me then?" I groused as I grabbed a small tote bag and threw a book and flashlight violently inside.

"Because there is a distinct difference between convincing you and forcing you. I don't want to force you to do anything," he said.

How did he always know the exact right thing to say? It was incredibly frustrating, now I couldn't stay made at him and to make matters worse he knew it. Actually the worst part was every time he did something like this, boiled the matter down to the simple matter of choice, I couldn't help but compare him to Edward. Edward who would manipulate and lie, coerce me into doing whatever he thought was for the best. If he was standing in Jasper's place right now he probably would have dazzled me and before I knew what was happening I'd be in the damn clearing.

I was being pretty childish about the entire thing anyways. I actually liked being included without having to ask, and if he'd told me I couldn't come along I probably would have thrown a fit about that too. I just really, really, didn't want to spend the whole night sleeping outside a mini war zone.

Jasper felt the change in my emotions and smiled, "That's my girl, let's go so I can beat up on some werewolves already."

I scowled at him before giving in and joining him at the window. He was having far too much fun with this.

His running was smoother this time, less intense. I closed my eyes and it felt like we were flying. I could almost see us floating through the breeze, treetops zooming beneath us, and all our problems trapped on the earth where they couldn't reach us.

I was quickly lost in thought about our conversation this afternoon, Jasper wanted to come up with a battle plan and we spent nearly two hours discussing the best way to make Victoria come out of the woodwork. I was touched that he not only allowed me to share my opinion, but he also took some of my suggestions to heart. I had thought that maybe simpler was better; we could just go strolling through the woods in areas he knew she'd been recently and wait for her to realize I was there with only one protector. The woods were vast, and the wolves would have no trouble hiding.

I had been shocked when Jasper agreed with me—and again when he praised me. Once Jasper had assessed Jacob's skill level and he'd gotten Seth and Leah up to his standards we'd put our plan into action, and hopefully Victoria would not be a problem anymore.

I dreaded the day the focus would shift from her to the Volturi. I had spent every night since my return to Forks mulling the predicament over, and I could still only see one realistic solution. It wasn't what I wanted anymore, not really. If the rest of the family were still in the picture it wouldn't be such a bleak future, I had loved them with all my heart and I would have gotten to spend eternity with them. The thought had snuck up on me that really, it wouldn't be so bad to spend forever with Jasper but I pushed it away each time. Once my safety was assured Jasper would go back to Alice, back to his family, and I would be all alone.

We reached the clearing and Jasper laid out the sleeping bag and pillow for me. It didn't take long for the wolves to join us, they were already phased, Seth and Leah trailing behind Jacob.

Jasper's idea of training was to scrimmage...over, and over, and over. It was the three wolves against Jasper, and I wasn't able to watch for long. I pulled my book and flashlight out of my bag and spent the first hour reading while Jasper mercilessly trash talked the wolves. My head snapped up when I heard a whimper followed by a long and angry howl and I looked just in time to see Seth crumple and Leah charge at Jasper.

I could see why he was insistent on her, the rage practically rolled off her. Jasper crouched right as she was about to jump but instead she threw her body closer to the ground, using her head to knock his legs out from under him and send him flying across the clearing. He landed on his feet, and even from my vantage point well away from their makeshift arena I could see the smile on his face.

"Good. Now do it again," he growled and charged towards her.

Another hour passed, Seth rejoining them after recovering from whatever it was Jasper had done. They were doing better now; maybe once Leah had finally managed to land a hit it had bolstered their confidence because every now and then Jasper would go flying through the air, though not nearly as often as the wolves did.

I fell asleep at some point, and woke up to the sound of hushed voices and forced myself to pry open my eyelids. Jacob, Seth, and Leah were in their human forms talking quietly with Jasper. I had seen both Leah and Seth around La Push before they'd phased, they had grown so much. Leah's hair was cut into the same severe style the rest of them had adopted after phasing, but it suited her in a way. While the boys both wore what looked to be board shorts, Leah wore a bright yellow sun-dress, and it seemed so out of place with the rest of her. I figured she must have either ran out of clothes or chosen it out of convenience.

Seth was taller, but he still had a boyish quality about him. He was lanky, and his voice cracked a couple times before I realized with a pang that he was only fourteen years old.

Jasper was the only one who wasn't panting from exhaustion, the only change in his appearance was his tattered and dirty clothes. The wolves must have been able to get their claws into him a few times. I would have been worried if they hadn't all looked to be perfectly fine. Jacob saw that I was awake, and with a couple more words to Jasper walked over to sit next to me.

"How'd it go?" I asked.

"He's a fucking slave driver," Jacob groaned. "He's so fucking fast, way faster than the other ones."

I laughed at the sullen expression on his face, Jacob had probably been expecting to come here, wipe the floor with Jasper, and have that be the end of it. It had to have wounded his pride a little that the three of them couldn't take Jasper down.

"You guys seemed to be doing better before I fell asleep," I offered as consolation.

"I have to give him credit; the bloodsucker was right about Leah. That girl is _insane._ She got a fucking kill in about half an hour ago, that's when we phased back to discuss strategy."

Holy crap. I looked at the small group and took that bit of information in. Leah got a kill, I couldn't believe it. I was still in shock when Jasper led them over to where Jacob and I sat.

"Bella, meet Seth and Leah," he said, giving me a jolt of encouragement that wasn't entirely necessary.

"Hey," I smiled. "It's nice to get to see you without all the fur."

Leah remained stoic, but Seth's answering grin was enough for the both of them. "You are aware that your boyfriend here is a total jerk right? Just 'cause he doesn't get tired don't mean the rest of us aren't ready to pass out," he said with a mock glare in Jasper's direction. I was warmed by his friendly teasing, and I got the impression that Seth wasn't nearly as ferocious in his hatred of Jasper as the rest of them were.

"He's just my friend," I corrected, "and yes, I was aware. If it makes you feel better he has very little respect for my sleeping habits too...obviously," I continued, glancing down at my makeshift bed.

"Want me to bring your mattress with us next time, your highness?" Jasper asked sarcastically, and I threw my head back and laughed.

"Absolutely."

In the blink of an eye Jasper threw me over his shoulder and rolled up the pillow inside the sleeping bag so he could carry them. "Let's get you home, princess," he drawled as he started walking towards the woods.

"Put me down! What is the matter with you?" I shrieked, but he knew I wasn't all that angry. I liked that we could mess around like this. I managed to pull myself upright and waved goodbye to the wolves. Leah and Jacob looked outraged, Seth was laughing and waved right back to me. Yes, I definitely liked him.

Once we were a few yards into the woods Jasper swung me around so I was on his back and took off running.

"It's not very nice, you know," I whispered in his ear, "antagonizing them like that." His back shook and I guessed he was laughing, confirmed by the wave of humor he sent my way.

Charlie was fast asleep when we got back to my house. I collapsed on my bed, rolling around a little and hugging a pillow to me.

"Oh, I missed you so much," I moaned, much to Jasper's amusement.

"We're going again tomorrow night, so enjoy it while you can. Next week we set the trap." I barely even heard him, I was already half asleep.

"Whatever," I mumbled. The last thing I remember was the sound of Jasper's quiet laugh.

* * *

The next night when we arrived in the clearing I was met with the sight of an air mattress laid out next to a couple of battery operated lanterns.

"Seriously? When did you have time to do this?" I asked Jasper, raising an eyebrow. This was a little over the top, not that I wasn't secretly thrilled he'd taken the time to make sure I'd be more comfortable.

"I would have brought the lamps last night if I'd known you were going to read, and the mattress...you didn't sleep well last night and I could tell you were uncomfortable," he answered, shrugging his shoulders. "It's not a big deal; Seth offered to set it up."

I was getting better at focusing on what I wanted him to feel from me. His gift had become our own secret language of sorts, even though with the exception of the wolves we never spent time with anyone else. I focused on my gratitude and gave him a quick hug before he went to meet the wolves already waiting.

Their training session started out the same as last night, three against one, but after awhile Jasper starting mixing up the groups. I guessed he was trying to get them used to fighting on his side rather than against him. He worked particularly well with Leah; they always emerged from their match victorious in a matter of minutes. She was amazing to watch, she was almost as graceful and ferocious as Jasper, and as the night wore on her moves became even more fluid, more confidant.

It was getting a little easier for me to watch them, and my book lay in my lap forgotten as I sat mesmerized by the scene in front of me. The wolves were agile and I was sure against any other enemy they would have been victorious. Every now and then Jasper would yell out something about using their speed, or not dropping their shoulders. I noticed that the longer they fought the more pronounced his accent became, and I wondered why that was.

Watching Jasper was an experience I'd never forget as long as I lived. He was usually so quiet and introverted. Up until last week he'd been an enigma, we'd barely spoken and I'd been pretty sure he only tolerated me for Alice's sake, but now I knew him a little better. I could see the small changes in him as he took to the instruction; he was comfortable in this environment even if he was working with werewolves. I thought that maybe he didn't care so much about the rivalry between them; it was obvious he carried respect for Leah and I thought that he probably liked Seth well enough too. Jacob I wasn't so sure about, but I didn't think he hated him as much as he let on.

Seth and Leah were working together against Jasper, Jacob had left to phase and when he came back he collapsed next to me. He was breathing hard, and panted, "Dude, he's like a machine or something."

I giggled because it was just a rehash of our conversation last night. Really, what did he expect? Jasper didn't need to rest or sleep, and he clearly was a very experienced fighter. I watched the way he moved, confidant and quick. His strikes were precise, methodical. He looked feral and wild in the moonlight that shone down on the clearing, and it was beautiful in a way I didn't quite understand.

"I've really missed you, Bells," Jacob said quietly. I tore my gaze from the scene in front of me to look up at him. I was pleasantly surprised at his admission, I had started to worry our friendship had been damaged beyond repair.

"Oh Jake, I've missed you too," I said before throwing my arms around him. He laughed and enveloped me in his warm arms, rocking us slightly. That was all it took, in a matter of minutes we were talking and laughing like nothing had ever torn us apart, and even though I was still annoyed with him and his objections to my friendship with Jasper I was content to sit and laugh with him like old times. It was nice to pretend none of this crazy vampire and werewolf stuff had ever happened, even if it was only for thirty minutes.

"What did you mean when you told Jasper that Leah was with Sam before?" I asked. I thought maybe whatever this imprinting thing was it was part of the reason Jasper had insisted on her, though I couldn't think of why it would matter.

Jacob sighed and leaned back, resting his weight on his elbows.

"Leah and Sam dated before he phased. When it happened he didn't know what was going on, he was all alone and wolfed out and had no idea how to change back. He was missing for days; I remember how worried she was. When he finally came back he was different, started pulling away from her. Things got better after awhile, but it all went to hell again when Emily visited from another reservation up north.

"Imprinting is what happens when a wolf finds their soul mate. It's like...gravity shifts, she becomes the center of your universe, the only thing holding you down. When Sam saw Emily there was no choice, she was everything to him, and even though it killed him to hurt Leah he left her."

My heart ached for her, for what she'd gone through. When Edward had left it had torn me apart from the inside out—but I hadn't had to watch him be with somebody else, do the things we used to do together with another woman.

"She knows why, now, but she's still bitter and angry about it. Add to that the fact that she's the first woman in our history to phase and...well...she's pretty unpleasant to be around most of the time. I gotta give your leech some credit though, she needed this badly. He's letting her get out her aggression, teaching her how make this something to be proud of. It's actually doing her a lot of good."

"Please don't call him that," I begged for what felt like the hundredth time, "I know you hate him, but can you at least let it slide around me?"

"Fine," Jacob grumbled, standing abruptly and running back towards the rest of them.

I watched for as long as I could keep my eyes open, but eventually I drifted off to sleep. I didn't wake up until I felt Jasper setting me down on my bed, pulling the covers over me.

"Hey," he said quietly. He made a move to leave and I grabbed his arm to stop him. He sent me some curiosity, and I sat up, tucking my feet underneath me.

"Why did you pick Leah?" I asked him.

"Because she's strong," he answered without hesitation. "I felt the hurt and anger flowing through her when we met with The Pack, but she never let it overwhelm her. It takes a lot to keep the kind of hatred she feels from consuming you. I knew it had something to do with the Alpha, and I figured at the very least she'd be determined to do well so she could spend more time away from him."

I smiled at him, "Are you telling me you did something _nice_ for a _werewolf?_ " I asked teasingly.

Jasper scowled and playfully shoved my shoulder. "Don't you dare tell them, I have a reputation to protect with those mongrels."

"What about Seth?"

"That little fucker is _fast_ , and he's eager to prove himself. Besides, he's bound to Leah, she wouldn't have gone without him," he replied. He gave me an appraising look and asked, "Is this what you were talking about with Jacob tonight?"

"Yeah," I said, nodding, "he told me about imprinting, what had happened between Sam and Leah." Just the thought of the tragedy that had surrounded her broke my heart a little.

"Imprinting," he said with an edge to his voice, "is the stupidest fucking thing I've ever heard of. Nobody gets a happy ending with that nonsense."

I was surprised he felt this way, I thought it was kind of romantic, the notion of soul mates. "Why? I mean with Leah it was horrible, but Sam and Emily are happy and very much in love."

"Their only real bond is the magic. He imprinted and became exactly what she desired, in a way it's not really him anymore. It's all designed to make better and stronger wolves, her love for him was forged in a false persona and Leah's destruction. How is that romantic? That girl will never recover from what happened to her, did you know Emily is her cousin? Her blood?"

Tears were threatening to spill over and I blinked rapidly, trying to stop them from falling. I hadn't known that, how had Jasper?

"Seth told me this afternoon when I talked to him," Jasper replied before I even asked the question. It was disconcerting that he could so quickly identify the reasons behind my emotions, but I found that I usually didn't mind.

"Imprinting sounds a whole lot like mates with vampires," I said. I could see Jasper's point, but it didn't make sense to me that he was bothered by one and not the other.

"Finding a mate may be instinctual, but accepting them is a choice, it's falling in love. It's based on compatibility, not on genetics; we don't alter who we are to entice a mate," he explained, and once again it all boiled down to that one thing. Choice.

I tried to suppress my yawn but there was no stopping it. I had slept much better on the air mattress, but not for long and coupled with the few hours I got last night I was exhausted. I couldn't wait for Saturday when I wouldn't have to wake up early for school. I was gonna sleep all damn day.

* * *

Before I knew it, it was Monday afternoon, and Jasper and I were preparing for our trek through the woods. We were starting out close to the house, I didn't like the idea of Victoria being anywhere near Charlie, but Jasper reasoned that if she was watching this would be the place she kept an eye on.

We got ready for our hike in silence, anticipation heavy in the air. I'd dug my hiking boots out from under my bed and was lacing them in the kitchen while Jasper pulled a couple bottles of water out of the fridge. He put them in my backpack, along with some granola bars and a first aid kit. I was annoyed he was assuming I was going to do something to hurt myself, but I had to admit the possibility was pretty likely.

Since we were staying close today Jasper only had to carry for me a few minutes before he set me down. There was no trail out here, and I had to concentrate on my steps to keep myself from falling. Again my mind drew connections between Jasper and Edward, comparing and contrasting their behavior. Edward would have picked me up and carried me, maybe having me ride on his back the entire time. Even Jacob probably would have made a fuss. Jasper offered his hand every time I needed help keeping my balance, but let me walk on my own the entire time. It wasn't healthy, comparing them like this; Edward had never been just my friend, and Jasper would never be anything more than that, but my mind made the connections without my permission.

"I didn't hunt the day of your birthday party," Jasper said, completely out of the blue. We'd been walking for while, and I stopped to look at him, wondering why he was telling me this and what had caused him to bring it up.

"I was getting used to you, used to your scent and it was easier to be around you and that made me careless. When you got the paper cut I froze, panicked. I lost control of my gift and my bloodlust flowed out into the room. Edward already thirsted so badly for you, I don't know how he found the presence of mind to push you away instead of biting you. I saw you falling towards the table, and I took a breath. That was all it took, one breath.

"I was lost to the monster, wild. Once Rosalie and Emmett got me outside I realized what I'd done and I took off into the woods. I hope you never know the destruction I caused that night, I drained countless animals trying to satiate the thirst, but all I could think of was you. I don't know how I stopped myself from going after you, finishing what I started."

I started walking again and Jasper kept a steady pace beside me. I had always been curious as to what exactly had happened, why he'd snapped the night of my birthday when he had been able to ignore my blood the night he killed James.

"Alice found me the next day and told me we were leaving, they had already packed. The months that followed were hell. Edward only met us to say he was leaving, Esme and Alice were crushed, and Emmett was nearly catatonic for the first week. It was oppressive, their guilt and heartbreak flowed into me and there were times it was so bad I had to leave—but no matter where I went you haunted me. That look in your eyes when you saw me coming, I couldn't get it out of my head.

"I almost gave up, went back to hunting humans. I even went through with selecting my prey, I followed a man I'd seen selling drugs home to his apartment. I had him in my grasp...but he looked me right in the eye and all I could see was you. I haven't even had the desire to drink from a human since."

I reached out a hand and twined my fingers in his, trying to force my body to project just how much I cared for and trusted him. His fingers tightened around mine gently as we made our loop through the forest and started heading back to my house.

"When Alice saw you jump off the cliff and your future disappeared I thought that the family's emotions would kill me. I wished they would kill me. I'd done that to you..." he trailed off, a faraway look in his eyes.

"It wasn't your fault," I insisted.

He looked down at our joined hands sadly and continued, "It was, my complacence in your presence, my lack of control. It was my fault and it is something I will never stop trying to make up to you.

"Alice saw when you decided you couldn't let Edward back into your life, so we knew you were coming to say goodbye. What I didn't expect was the way you felt after so many months alone. Before we left you were vibrant, alive. You grabbed onto love and held it so tight that it nearly broke you, but you never lost hope. You came into the house that night and you were a different person. You'd lost that naivety Edward held so dear, and I knew in that moment that for the first time you were doing the right thing for you. I was so fucking proud of you."

I smiled at him, enormously thankful to him for explaining this to me. It helped so much to know that there was someone out there who honestly thought I had done the right thing. As much as it pained me there were times I'd lay in bed staring at the ceiling and wondering what would have happened if I had simply said 'yes.'

"I've told you before that I stayed because you're worth it, but I'm not sure you understand what that means," he came to a stop and turned to face me, grabbing my other hand in his.

"You were once wide eyed and innocent, selfless to a fault, and that was beautiful. You were in love with a boy who did nothing but try to convince you that you were better off without him, and you didn't care. You spent the majority of your time with supernatural creatures who were stronger and faster, but you found strength in your weakness. Your love gave us a piece of our humanity back, and I had forgotten long ago what it meant to be human."

A lone tear spilled over my eyelid, running a slow path down my cheek as I took in what he was telling me. It was mildly irritating that he could weave his words so articulately, always managed to convey his meaning in such a beautiful way.

"That night when I decided to stay, it was because of who you'd become. I felt it, I felt you accept your fate and resign yourself to a life without us, to a probable death, and I couldn't let you do it. You gave me your love unconditionally and I repaid you by trying to sink my teeth in your neck. You accepted us as the people we once were, who we could be, and we responded by abandoning you—but I _felt it_. The love you still carried for all of us, the familial bond that you wouldn't allow to break no matter how broken you were. It was magnificent, and it was _worth it_ to stay, to get to experience the amazing woman you've grown up to be."

The sun glinted through the tall canopy of leaves and branches, shooting down to the ground in rays that seemed to light Jasper up from the inside out as he spoke, and I idly thought that it was probably the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen. The shining of his blond hair moving in the breeze, the way his skin shimmered in patterns because of his scars, the backdrop of yellow light shining around him...it made him look like an angel. I wrapped my arms around him and buried my face in his chest, trying to form the correct words to express just how much what he said meant to me.

"Thank you," I said, desperately. It wasn't nearly enough. _"Thank you."_

I couldn't find it in me to let him go, every cell of my body hummed with appreciation for him. He was right, I hadn't understood what he'd meant when he told me I was worth it...but I did now. He'd seen something in me I hadn't known was there. He _got_ me.

I took a step back and moved my hands to grip the sides of his face, stroking my fingers over his cheeks. I took a deep breath and steadied myself so I could try to give him what he'd given me.

"I never blamed you. _Never_. You attacked because I was bleeding, I bled because Alice wrapped the present instead of using a gift bag, I had the present because Edward insisted I go to the party...it doesn't all trace back to you. I lied when I told you I'd forgiven you."

Jasper's face fell at my words, and I felt the shame and guilt flow over my fingers and knew I had to elaborate.

"I never forgave you because there was no need to. You didn't do anything wrong. All of them had to leave the room, even Esme and Alice. You need to let this go, Jasper."

The negativity he'd been projecting tapered off, and I hoped my words had given him some comfort.

"Is it pathetic that you're the best friend I ever had?" I asked him. It was true, I'd never had a friend like Jasper.

Jasper finally cracked a smile, and the tension lessened.

"You're my best friend too," he said, blanketing me in the warmth that was his affection for me.

That night I didn't pull the cell phone that had been taunting me out of my drawer, didn't spend hours staring at my ceiling before I was finally able to sleep. Jasper's words to me out in the woods had eased an ache deep in my soul, something I didn't think would even be possible. By telling me why exactly he'd stayed to protect me he'd lessened my guilt drastically, but it was so much more than that. He'd cauterized a wound that had throbbed within me up until this afternoon. I was finally able to see beyond the pain and worthlessness that had permeated my thoughts ever since Edward left me.

Jasper had said I'd given him back a piece of his humanity, that he'd forgotten what it was like. I thought back to the scars that littered his body, to the guilt that ran through him so deep that there may be no way to extract it. He was always apologizing to me, blaming himself for ruining my life and putting me in the perilous situation we were both neck deep in.

I wanted to heal his wounds, I wanted to pick up all the pieces of him and put him back together, because while he was very good at hiding it I could tell he was broken. Something within him resonated with me. We weren't so different, his scars just happened to be spread over his flesh instead of etched on his soul like mine were. He called himself a monster, but a monster would never have gone to such lengths to ensure my safety. A monster never would have said such beautiful words to me. I'd probably never meet another man half as good as Jasper as long as I lived, and I was determined to make him see that.

Above all Jasper thought I was worth it, and I fell asleep wondering if I would ever be able to show him that he was worth it too.


	6. Chapter 6

Monday turned into Tuesday, melted into Friday, and before I knew it another weekend was upon me. My daily routine had become obnoxiously full. Every day Jasper and I walked through the woods while Seth and Leah patrolled just out of sight, and every other night I camped out in the Cullen's old baseball clearing while Jasper taught The Pack how to become more adept fighters. After the first couple of nights the practices became shorter, but I was still only sleeping a few hours a night, and the lack of sleep coupled with the stress of trying to get Victoria to make a move was starting to take it's toll on me.

I felt like I'd finally managed to find my footing with Jasper's words out in the woods on Monday only to be thrown back off kilter. I was tired, I was confused, and more than anything I wanted all of this to be over; I wanted to be rid of all these monsters circling overhead.

Every night as I tried to sleep I was plagued by nightmares, either of Victoria killing me in horrible and gruesome ways or of Jasper pressing me down into the ground, wild and savage; tearing his teeth through me like I was made of butter. Each and every time it was Jasper who shook me awake, and no matter how afraid I was of him initially he would always comfort me as best he could, either by holding me close or with his gift.

Adding to my stress were the midterms Jasper was trying to help me study for. The tests started on Monday, and at this point the entire thing was looking to be a lost cause. It wasn't that I didn't know the material, I was just having a major problem making myself care about it. I stared at the practice problems my math teacher had handed out to us and couldn't help myself from thinking it just didn't matter how well I did on any of these tests. My future would be simple—I wouldn't have one. I'd either be dead or a vampire and neither course of action allowed for a college education any time soon.

Jasper sat across the kitchen table from me, throwing worried glances in my direction as he thumbed absentmindedly through one of Charlie's fishing magazines. He'd been picking up on my melancholy all week but I had steadfastly refused to burden him with my problems. There was no point in talking about the threat Victoria posed, he was already working on it and had reassured me as much as was possible. Bringing up the Volturi would only split his focus and force a conversation upon us that I was in no way prepared to have.

"What are you thinking about so hard over there?" Jasper asked, breaking me out of the depressing cycle of thoughts I had been stuck in all week.

"That I hate math," I lied before swiftly changing the subject. "Which wolves are coming tonight?"

"Seth, Leah and Embry," he responded. "I'm on to you, by the way. It's fine if you don't want to talk about it but you really don't need to lie to me." His tone was clipped, his words more enunciated than usual.

I sighed and set down the pen I'd been holding idly over my worksheet. I looked up at golden eyes that held nothing but concern for me, and I almost told him. The fear and uncertainty welled up in my throat, and I had to look away to swallow it all back down. I knew it was unhealthy, that I should be able to talk to him about this, try to work out just what was going to happen to me whenever the Volturi decided my time was up, but that traitorous voice in the back of my head kept whispering at me. I knew he wouldn't let them kill me, but would he want anything to do with me if they changed me? Logically I knew that he would, that he was my friend and he wouldn't just walk out of my life like the rest of his family did—but it was hard to listen to reason right now.

"I'm just feeling overwhelmed," I finally told him. It was true, even if it wasn't the root of the problem.

"Let's keep tonight short, get you to bed at a decent hour. Is Charlie going fishing tomorrow?"

I rolled my eyes and nodded. Charlie went fishing every weekend without fail. I was starting to wonder what his logic was in grounding me, I only saw him for a few hours on weekdays and hardly at all on the weekend. I'd been so determined to repair my relationship with him after I got back from Italy, make sure he knew that I was okay before I had to leave his life for good—but he wasn't making it easy, and I was starting to resent him for it.

"Then we'll have to do something fun tomorrow, take a day off," Jasper decided.

"That sounds really great," I said, and let my appreciation flood me so he could feel it. I hadn't had a day to do whatever I wanted in a week and a half, and I needed some space to breathe before everything I'd been bottling up inside came spewing out.

"Charlie's coming," Jasper said suddenly, standing up. He walked around the table and when he came to my side stopped for a moment before leaning down and gently squeezed my shoulder.

"Whatever it is that you're dreading, you can tell me, whenever you're ready."

I craned my neck to give him the best smile I could muster up and said, "I know, and I will. I just...I need some time."

He nodded and returned my smile with one of his own before he left, the back door clicking softly behind him a split second before the front door opened and Charlie walked into the house.

"Hey, I haven't had a chance to make dinner yet. Give me a minute and I'll get started," I said as I gathered up my textbooks and unfinished worksheets.

Charlie came into the kitchen and eyed the strewn papers and open books covering the table with a chuckle. "We can order pizza, Bells. Looks like you still got some studying to do."

I let out a deep breath as I nodded, thankful for the break while I started spreading everything back out again. If we were having pizza Charlie would no doubt eat in front of the TV. I got back to work on the dreadful math practice problems while Charlie called the one and only pizza delivery place in Forks to place our order. He looked like he wanted to say something to me after he hung up, but simply shrugged his shoulders at my raised eyebrow before ambling into the living room and turning on whatever sporting event was playing.

Twenty minutes later and I still hadn't made any progress on my homework. I closed my math book with a huff and pushed it away to make room for my chemistry book, hoping a change in subject matter would help. I stared at the periodic table, not really seeing it, and unable to stop my thoughts from focusing, yet again, on just how pointless all of this studying was. I needed to break out of this funk, it wasn't doing any good to wallow in my depression. If anything it was starting to cause more problems because Jasper seemed to be really worried about me, and he had more important things to think about.

The knock on the front door snapped me out of my pity party long enough to pay the pizza guy and plate up a couple slices for myself and Charlie. I dropped his off in the living room before returning to the kitchen table and trying, yet again, to actually fill in the answers on my homework.

The second knock on the door startled me, it was almost seven o'clock, and as far as I knew we weren't expecting anyone to stop by. For a moment I was filled with complete and total terror, thinking Victoria had found my house, but when the insistent knocking sounded again I realized how incredibly stupid that fear was. Victoria wouldn't knock on the door, she'd break it down and I'd be in her grasp before I even knew what was happening. The thought did little to calm me.

The third knock finally spurred me into action, and I stood on shaky legs to cross the kitchen into the entryway and open the front door.

"'Bout fucking time," Jacob snapped at me, bursting through the doorway and throwing a slight wave in Charlie's direction before stomping off to the kitchen.

"Not that I'm not thrilled to have you pounding on my door, but what are you doing here?" I retorted, a little harsher than necessary, but I was still wound up from the fear and adrenaline that had coursed through my veins at the thought of Victoria.

Jacob had a strange look on his face, like he wanted to break everything in sight and vomit at the same time. He was staring intently at the chair Jasper had been sitting in an hour ago.

"We need to talk," he muttered, breaking his gaze and making his way towards the stairs. Charlie made no objection to Jacob's presence, I wondered if he even remembered that I was grounded.

I followed Jacob at a slower pace, and by the time I reached the top of the stairs he was vibrating in the middle of my bedroom.

"What the _fuck,_ Bella?" he spat, looking absolutely furious.

"Did you just come over here to yell at me? You could have done that over the phone!" I said between clenched teeth, desperately trying to control the volume of my voice as I entered my room and closed the door behind me.

"I came over because I was on patrol and saw that _bloodsucker_ leaving. I thought he was just patrolling around your house, so why the fuck was he in your bedroom, Bella?" Jacob sneered at me, and that was _it._

The tone of his voice, the question he threw with such accusation behind it...maybe I could have kept it together if everything else in my life wasn't falling apart all around me. Last week if he'd done this I would have been able to think rationally, but that was before the weight of everything started pressing on me from all sides and caging me in.

"What the hell are you thinking? You turn around from one leech right to another? I keep thinking, 'this is it, this is the stupidest thing you've ever done,' but not a week goes by before you do something even dumber..." he ranted, throwing his arms in the air emphatically. My fists were clenched so tight my fingers were going numb, my muscles vibrated in their tension.

"I mean, come on! You can't trust those monsters, Bella! Do you even remember what you were like after they left the first time? I do, I was the one who had to pick up all the fucking pieces and glue you back together and even then you were barely functional. They destroy you time and time again and you just keep coming back for more!"

Every word he spoke made the blood thunder louder in my ears, heat rise in my face, angry tears prick at my eyes.

"They're soulless, they're evil," he continued, and then his gaze snapped to the right and he took a breath. "Why the fuck does your bed smell like vampire?"

The floodgates opened, and every single thing I'd bottled up since I came home rushed out in torrents.

"None of your _fucking business_ ," I screamed at him so loud I could have sworn the window rattled in it's frame.

My feet were begging to take a step, my hand twitched with an intense urge to slap him across the face. I was completely flooded with rage, how dare he say these things to me. Even if something were going on between me and Jasper I didn't owe him any explanation for it. Jacob's reaction was fueled by hate and prejudice. He refused to see Jasper as anything but a vampire, a monster, and ultimately that was what pissed me off the most.

Jacob's face was set in Sam's mask and he was moments away from phasing. The silence settling around us was deafening. I held firm, unwilling to give him an inch. He'd promised once that he would never hurt me and he'd broken that promise time and time again. He swore he knew me inside and out but couldn't come to terms with the fact that Jasper was my friend, that the Cullens had been my family.

He'd changed so much, and I mourned the loss of my goofy friend who had functioned as my own personal sun, because there was nothing left of him in the man standing in front of me.

"Get out," I whispered.

"I won't do it again," Jacob threatened as he walked towards my bedroom door and opened it. "When he destroys you I won't pick up the pieces."

I refused to look at him, refused to acknowledge the ultimatum woven in between his words, and when the door slammed shut behind me I sank to the floor and held my face in my hands. I wasn't sure when it happened but at some point along the line I'd come to trust that Jasper would never do such a thing. He may have to leave, he may go back to Alice, but he'd never really be gone.

A month ago I would have chased after Jacob, begged him to come back and forgive me for whatever transgression he deemed me guilty of—but there had to be a line somewhere, and it looked like this was it. I closed my eyes tight to keep the tears at bay, I wouldn't cry, I just wouldn't do it.

It could have been minutes or hours, months...

I eventually picked myself up off the floor and crawled into bed as the sun dipped below the horizon. My bedroom was awash with brilliant colors and I pulled my pillow over my head so I wouldn't have to look at them. I let myself get lost in a space between sleep and dreams, so when I felt a slight pressure running down my arm I was sure it was my imagination.

"Bella?" a soft voice echoed somewhere in the background, pulling me out of the oblivion I'd been enjoying so much.

The pillow was gently removed from my grasp, and I opened my eyes to see Jasper's concerned face staring back at me. The bright topaz of his eyes contrasted with their heaviness, frown lines danced across his skin, lips pressed tightly together. It was all so wrong on him. Jasper should smile, let the light inside him burst out instead of allowing it to be eclipsed by darkness.

My hand reached out and smoothed the lines off his forehead, sliding down his face so my thumb could brush against his cheekbone. The masochistic side of me whispered 'what ifs' in my ear that were better left forgotten, and the irrational side of me answered by postulating scenarios of a different kind of relationship with Jasper.

I had no right to think of him that way, and had honestly never had the inclination to before Jacob came storming into my house and threw the notion in my face—but the idea was appealing, and I had to make a significant effort to bury it deep down to be sure Jasper wouldn't feel it.

"What time is it?" I mumbled, my dry throat throbbing.

Jasper left the room without a word and returned a few seconds later with a bottle of water from the refrigerator. I pulled myself up and gulped down half of it, the cool liquid helping to wake me up a little more.

"It's almost midnight," Jasper answered my question and posed one of his own. "Are you alright?"

I looked down and played with the frayed edges of my jeans. I was far from okay and he knew it.

"He didn't mean it, you know. He's just jealous and angry," Jasper said, sitting down next to my feet and pulling my hands away from the threads I was picking at.

"You were listening," I stated. I should have known he would be, he must have stopped Charlie from coming upstairs after my outburst too.

"Yeah," he answered, looking mildly apologetic. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"Not really, it's fine. He's like this sometimes and..." I trailed off. I wondered when this had happened, when I had started making excuses for Jacob's behavior. He'd always been vocal about his dislike for the Cullens, and I wondered if in my desperation to keep him during my darkest hours I hadn't given him more leeway than I should have.

No, I didn't want to talk to Jasper about what Jake had said to me, but there was too much swirling inside of me begging to be let out. All my fears were running together like watercolors in my head, and they were all connected by a common thread.

"Hey, hey, it's alright, Bella," Jasper said, running his fingers below my eyelashes to sweep away tears I hadn't realized had fallen and moving up the bed to sit next to me. I felt his arm snake around the top of my shoulders and I leaned into him, desperate for any measure of comfort he could bring me.

"I'm a horrible person," I confessed. It was all the explanation I could give upfront. Deep down I needed to talk to someone about what had been running through my mind all week, but I couldn't bring myself to come right out and say it.

"Why do you think that?"

"Because Jacob might not be my friend anymore, and I'm not sure if I even care." I hadn't acknowledged it, but it was true. We'd drifted so far apart and we were both too stubborn to mend the bridge. I think maybe I'd accepted that our friendship had an expiration date on it the moment I left for Italy with Alice, known that whatever it is we shared would be over the second I agreed to the Volturi's terms.

Jasper tightened his arm around me, and I felt a brief flash of determination run across his skin.

"You haven't cared about anything much lately," he said, finally broaching the topic we'd been dancing around all week.

"None of it matters..." I said with a heavy weight on my heart. It was all going to end.

"Because you'll have to leave soon," Jasper finished my sentence, stopping me from saying the same thing, only in a much darker way. I couldn't understand why he'd been pulling and prying to get me to talk about this if he already knew what the problem was.

I nodded and wriggled out of his embrace to lay back down. I was still wearing my clothes from the day but couldn't bring myself to be bothered to go change, all I wanted to was to bury myself beneath blankets and sheets and go back to the emptiness of sleep.

Jasper stood, and I was sure he was leaving but a moment later the mattress dipped again and he sprawled out on top of the covers next to me. I heard the rustling of pages, and then his deep voice spoke with a sort of reverence I'd never heard from him before.

" _Gatsby believed in the green light, the orgastic future that year by year recedes before us. It eluded us then, but that's no matter—tomorrow we will run faster, stretch out our arms farther... And then one fine morning— So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past."_

The cover of the book closed and Jasper slid it onto my night-stand before reaching out and pulling me back into him, holding me close while I cried myself to sleep; chasing the nightmares away.

* * *

I woke up alone to an open door and the sound and smell of bacon sizzling. A glance at my alarm clock told me Charlie should have left hours ago, and a knot of dread formed in my stomach at having to explain the fight I'd had with Jacob last night. There were no truths I could tell him this time, and though we were distant I hated the idea of lying outright to him.

I took my time stripping off yesterdays clothes and showering. The warm beat of water against my skin relaxed me immensely, and I had to admit that I felt better today than I had all week. I felt refreshed and invigorated, and I promised myself that I would talk to Jasper about how hard his current training sessions with the wolves had been on me.

I was embarrassed for my behavior yesterday, I hadn't realized how tightly I'd been coiled until it was too late and I snapped. Though I had to admit most of the blame this time lay with Jacob. The things he said to me were so mean, so hurtful...I wasn't sure how easy it would be to forgive him this time.

I didn't want to just write him off, let him walk out of my life without a fight—but it felt like I'd been fighting for ages. I was the one making concessions, allowing his beliefs to dictate my behavior, censoring myself just so I could be his friend. I knew we had to talk, at least try to sort through our differences rationally instead of in a hazy fog of fury and stress.

"Motherfucker!" a loud voice boomed from the kitchen and I froze. That definitely was not Charlie in my kitchen...actually, it sounded just like Jacob.

I'd never dressed so quickly in my life, and practically flew down the stairs only to stop on the last step, completely dumbfounded by the scene I was met with.

Jasper was sitting at the kitchen table, directing a murderous glare at Jacob who was dressed in his trademark cutoff shorts...and a bright pink apron decorated with embroidered flowers and white ruffles at the hems. He was standing at the stove frantically flipping the pancakes he'd left on one side too long and were now burnt to a crisp. I had to sit down on the third step to keep myself from falling over as I clutched at my stomach, laughing uproariously.

"Look what you did, asshole. Now you have to start all over," Jasper said, throwing a wink in my direction, his shoulders shaking with laughs of his own.

And then the most bizarre thing happened—Jacob scraped the burnt pancakes out into the trash bin and started over, not one single complaint or snide remark leaving his mouth. What the hell was going on?

"Better work quick, don't want to let the bacon get cold," Jasper taunted.

Jacob muttered something under his breath and kept a careful eye on the pancake batter cooking in the griddle.

"I didn't quite catch that. You weren't by chance complaining about our little agreement were you?" Jasper asked, the threat clear in his tone.

Jacob just shook his head and continued eyeing the batter. My confusion warred with amusement, and I decided to just go with it. I wasn't going to spoil this fantastically hilarious scene by asking questions just now. I'd get an explanation sooner or later.

I stood and made my way to the table, taking the chair next to Jaspers.

"Oh, look, she's up. I bet Bella really wants some orange juice," Jasper drawled, and a moment later Jacob placed a glassful in front of me.

"What the fuck..." I managed to squeak out in between my giggles. A plateful of pancakes and bacon appeared before me, joined a moment later by syrup, butter, and silverware.

"How the hell did you time this?" I asked, digging in. Jacob wasn't the best cook, the bacon was overdone and the pancakes could have gone a little longer, but I was starving and couldn't find it in me to complain.

"Do you even have to ask?" Jasper said with a raised eyebrow in my direction and a stream of humor in my direction.

"My own personal walking, talking alarm clock," I sang, and reached out a hand to ruffle his hair before returning to my breakfast.

Jacob made a move to take off the ridiculous apron, but stopped when Jasper sneered, "Don't you have dishes to do?" sending him scurrying over to the sink.

I finished what was left on my plate to the sounds of running water and clinking metal, trying to figure out what in the world was going on. My dish was swept away as soon as the last bite of pancake was swirled in syrup and eaten.

"Okay," I said leaning back in my chair, directing my question at Jasper, "What in the world is this?" I glanced over at Jacob and giggled, "Not that I'm complaining."

The atmosphere ran thick with tension, my question met with silence from both of them. It wasn't until Jacob finished rinsing the last of the suds from my plate and set it in the drying rack that he started talking.

"I'm really sorry, Bella. I should never had said those things to you." Jacob's eyes were cast down at the floor. I couldn't decide if I wanted to hug him or slap the hell out of him for being so cruel last night, so I settled for remaining seated, waiting to see if he had any more to say.

"I just...I don't want to see you get hurt again is all," Jacob continued after a tense moment.

"Jasper won't hurt me," I replied, feeling the need to defend the vampire sitting next to me at the table. Jasper reached a hand out for mine, and I held it as tight as I could.

'Well, you thought that about Edward too, now didn't you," Jacob muttered under his breath.

"I am _nothing_ like Edward," Jasper growled, sounding insulted by the implication. He made a move like he was going to stand up, and I gave his hand another squeeze, focusing on my own displeasure at Jacob's statement. I wanted to deal with this on my own, I didn't need Jasper to fight my battles for me, though it was flattering that he was willing to.

"You don't have to like it, but if you can't accept that he's my friend and he's not going anywhere you need to leave. I'm not going to go through this with you again, Jacob," I said, proud of how level I was able to keep my voice in spite of my rising anger toward him.

Jacob took his time pondering his response, and I knew that we were never going to come to an agreement over this. Any ground he gave me would be nothing but temporary concessions. He'd pretend to be okay with Jasper for an indeterminate period of time before he flipped his lid at me again and we'd end up right back here. It was a cycle I didn't want to be caught in the middle of, and I couldn't help but think it'd be easier on all of us if Jacob just kept his distance for awhile.

"I think we both know you can't be okay with this." The shame I'd felt earlier for writing Jacob off so easily after our argument was back full force, but if we couldn't be friends anymore at least this way was better. We talked about our differences, and it looked like we were going to come to an agreement that we just couldn't see eye to eye on this matter.

Jacob tore off his ridiculous apron, threw it at his feet, and stomped out of the kitchen, slamming the front door as he left. The sound echoed through me, and I closed my eyes and allowed myself to grieve for what I'd lost today. Even if he came around, even if he decided he could deal with Jasper and I being friends I didn't think I'd ever be able to forget all the times he told me so aggressively that I was making mistakes, that he wouldn't clean up the messes I made of myself anymore.

"Why did you do that?" Jasper asked, not a trace of judgment in his voice. He was honestly curious about my motives.

"Because I know him. He'd have lied and said everything was fine, we'd pretend this never happened, and then a few days or weeks later he'd blow up again. I don't think he can get over his silly prejudices, and I'm sick and tired of him yelling at me over who I choose to spend my time with."

I stood up and picked the discarded apron off the floor, running my hands over the fabric and asked, "Where did this come from, anyways? And why in the world was Jacob cooking me breakfast wearing it?"

Jasper crossed his arms behind his head and leaned back in his chair, one leg stretched out in front of him with a prideful expression on his face.

"The mutt was persuaded that it was in his best interests to apologize to you, and I figured that even if he did a poor job of it we'd at least get some laughs out of it this way," he snickered.

"You did this?" I asked, and when he nodded I couldn't help but grin. "How did you talk him into the apron?"

"You don't want to know the specifics," Jasper said before quickly changing the subject. "What do you want to do today?"

I was positive there was some physical violence involved in coercing Jacob to make a fool out of himself, but I permitted Jasper to avoid telling me what exactly had happened.

"Can we just hang around the house? I need a day off from everything, and even though this morning didn't go so well I just want...I need the rest of the day to just be calm and happy," I decided. It was exactly what I needed, fun and lightheartedness.

"Alright," Jasper agreed, standing and taking the pink fabric from between my fingers. "This used to be Rosalie's...I'm sure you can imagine what it was used for," he said, answering my earlier question.

A shudder ran through me and I asked, "You washed it before you brought it over, right?" praying that he would say he did.

"Do you honestly think I'd let you touch it if I hadn't?" he said with a laugh to my relief. "I'm all for a fun and easy day, but before we get to it I think there's some things we need to talk about," he continued, his eyes boring down into mine.

I'd been expecting that he'd want to talk to me about my emotional instability, I'd just hoped I could put it off for at least another day, but he met my pleading look with nothing but determination. I sighed dramatically, hoping it would tip the odds in my favor and sat back down in my chair with a huff. Jasper, of course, would not be swayed.

"You've been having nightmares about me," he said gently, pulling his own chair to my side, tilting his head to try and catch my eye.

Shame coursed through me as I realized that he knew more than I'd thought. I'd probably been talking in my sleep. I shook my head violently, I'd sworn to myself that I would never tell him about that dream, never tell him that when I slept at night he crept though the woods after me, tore his teeth into my neck.

"It's fair, that you have nightmares about me. Some of the things I've done...I'll never tell you, you should never know such horror exists—but you've been distant and apathetic and I'm worried about you. Just tell me what's bothering you, please," he pleaded, leaning his forehead into my hair and breathing deeply.

It was so odd, I could feel where his body touched mine, not only through the sensation left on my skin, but also by the buzzing of self-hatred and worry that flowed across his. I'd never given much though to how exactly his gift worked, but I couldn't help but theorize that maybe instead of his emotions running in his veins they ran on the outside of his body, the flow spilling onto whatever was nearby. Maybe for him nothing was purely internal, and that was why he had such a hard time dealing with the walls I'd built around me; why he was usually so desperately aloof. I was so busy thinking about his gift that the words flew from my mouth, uninhibited by my better judgment.

"I'm running through the woods, and I turn around and it's you." I managed to get control of myself before I told him the rest, but devastation flowed over me anyway. Jasper either knew what happened next, or didn't and assumed the worst.

"Do I kill you?" he asked, his tone monotonous, grief flowing over the devastation.

"No," I whispered, turning my head to look at him. He didn't move back even a centimeter, and our faces were so close together I could feel his emotions skim across the tip of his nose. "You save me."

We stared at each other for an infinite second, and in that moment I truly believed that he knew exactly what I meant. I knew where my fate would lead me, my subconscious drilled it into me every chance it got—but I couldn't say the words, and somehow I knew Jasper was not ready to hear them. His forehead pressed against mine for the briefest of moments, and then he was up and pacing the kitchen.

"Seth ran to the Cullens' house for me, I had him grab the Playstation. Wanna blow some shit up?" he asked, his tongue forming the sounds so fast I had to strain to hear him.

"Sure," I answered, recognizing the deflection for what it was. We may not be able to talk about this just yet, but the seeds were sown, and when the time came that we couldn't avoid this pivotal conversation anymore we just might be ready to have it.

Just as Jasper promised my weekend was full of fun and laughter. I savored every smile he sent my way, every time the palm of his hand moved across my back as he pulled me into his side. I knew somehow it was the last weekend like this we would ever have.

When Charlie walked in the door on Sunday night I sat in front of the television with him and did my homework. No matter how much I wanted to blame someone, anyone else for the state of my relationships the reality was that it came down to me. Charlie didn't know we were racing against a ticking clock, it was up to me to make an effort to spend time with him. When the blade of the guillotine came down I wanted to be able to say I'd done what I could.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The quotation Jasper reads is the conclusion of The Great Gatsby.


	7. Chapter 7

It had been weeks of spiraling further and further out with no luck, weeks of walking through the sections of forest where Jasper had caught Victoria's scent and never finding her. We searched after school, in the morning, in the middle of the night. Over the course of the past month we'd tried at every hour. After our first couple of attempts we'd started going through the areas her scent was the heaviest, figuring that either she'd been there recently or traversed the area often, but there was never any sign of her, she'd just vanished.

It was kind of morbid, but this was my favorite part of the day, walking through the woods and chatting with Jasper. Conversation flowed effortlessly between us; we talked about everything from my improving relationship with Charlie to my stagnant friendship with Jacob, and I found it hard to remember that these walks of ours served a darker purpose. It was so easy to forget that just outside the range of my senses there were wolves running laps, waiting for Victoria to finally make a move.

It wasn't just the conversation, everything was easy with Jasper. Our friendship had grown and blossomed into something amazing, something I had never known I was missing. He understood me in a way I'd never thought possible, and I couldn't even imagine how differently my life may have gone had he not made that pivotal decision to stay in Forks when the rest of the family left. It would have been a dank and depressing life, full of friends I couldn't open up to and a Father who had no idea that I loved him. The fear of what might happen to me would have eaten me alive, and though I liked to think I would have found the strength to keep afloat, the fact of the matter was that I probably wouldn't have. I would have ran away to keep everyone safe, and lived out the rest of my days all alone, and looking over my shoulder.

Over the weeks my nightmares lessened, sleep came easier. Jasper and I never talked about what I'd told him in my kitchen that day again, but he did sit me down and make me hash out a tentative plan for what we'd do after Victoria was taken care of. I'd expected lists of possible solutions, contingencies, and Plan B's; instead he simply told me that unless I thought of a better idea his plan was to run, figure out something to tell Charlie and leave after Graduation. It was less than ideal, but it would keep the Volturi out of Forks, and that needed to be my priority.

He was leaving the other viable solution in my hands, giving me the time I so desperately needed to muse over the consequences without impairing our chances of survival, and I couldn't have been more thankful for it. I knew it was the best chance we had; we couldn't run forever, but it was a course of action I couldn't accept just yet, and Jasper knew that.

Our time together was filled with cooking and late-night chess games, laughter and smiles, and even though we'd made no progress in eliminating Victoria I found I was happy. The future didn't seem quite so bleak anymore, because I knew that no matter what happened Jasper's plan involved staying together. He was willing to live on the run for me, and that knowledge went so far towards convincing my heart that he would never leave me to fend for myself, regardless of what condition I was in.

He'd even convinced me to take the cell phone Alice had given me out of my night stand and actually start using it. I hated to admit it but I loved the convenience it brought. I was always able to get a hold of him, even when I was at school. I'd become quite adept at texting him underneath my desk during lectures, and somehow it made everything easier—knowing if I needed him he was only a few presses of buttons away.

My friendship with Jacob remained strained, and though we'd made headway it was still rough going. Jacob hadn't warmed up to Jasper at all, even if he did seem to hold a sort of grudging respect for him—but they worked well together, better than either of them had expected, and that went a long way towards allowing them to tolerate one another. We'd reached a truce of some sorts over the past weeks, whenever we had to talk we kept conversation light, and we never spent more time together than was necessary.

Practices in the baseball field dwindled down to just twice a week on Friday and Saturday, never more than three or four wolves showing up at a time. The new schedule did wonders for my mood, and even though weekends were stressful it was worth being able to have a full nights sleep five days a week.

Jasper's relationship with Leah was nothing short of bizarre, beyond definition. She was there every single night, Seth only missed two. They'd improved so much, come so far, and even Leah was able to acknowledge that they had Jasper to thank for that. They were comrades, and held a deep respect for each other that overrode the instincts that demanded they hate each other.

Seth had confided in me that Leah's cooperation had come with conditions, but neither of us knew what they were, and Jasper wouldn't tell me. I supposed it didn't really matter what was driving her; Jasper was clearly holding up his end of the bargain, and she was the most improved of The Pack. She was now able to stalemate a fight with Jasper, a feat no other wolf could match, though both Jacob and Paul came close.

Now that Jacob wasn't monopolizing all of my free time, and Jasper wasn't such a sore spot anymore it was easy to make friends among the wolves. I was always at the training sessions, and once Jasper started paring down the teams there was often at least one person sitting out. My relationships with all of them were greatly improved; I wouldn't go so far as to say we were all friends, but we were allies in a more tangible way than we had been. Before their loyalties were to each other, and my association with Jacob threw us into the same group; now they were here because they wanted to be, because they chose to come and learn from Jasper, and for some reason that little thing made our connection more real to me.

Surprisingly Paul and I had become quite close. We'd always tolerated each other to some extent, but now we could sit under the moon and just talk. We had more common ground than I ever would have thought. We both felt ostracized by our peers, none of our them could possibly comprehend how complicated our lives were. Though school had gotten better for me, I still didn't really have any friends there, and I was reluctant to change that. I was aware of the reality of my situation, and I knew any relationships I cultivated could not possibly last beyond the end of the school year. Somehow I'd become more pragmatic over the course of the past month, and while Jasper mourned the loss of my innocence I welcomed the toughening of my skin.

Paul was much the same way. He'd always had a problem with his temper, but he'd had friends at his school, none of whom had phased. I thought that his anger issues might not all be attributable to the wolf gene, that some of it came from having to abandon friends he'd had his entire life with no explanation. I couldn't help but blame Sam a little bit for that, I didn't understand how he could order his wolves to simply cut people out of their lives for no reason. I may have been closer with Sam now than I had been in the past, but I knew what it was like to be on the other side of that edict. When Jacob had started ignoring me after he phased it cut deep, and though there were other factors involved I couldn't help but carry a little resentment towards the Alpha.

Seth was another story entirely, my relationship with him was a lot like my relationship with Jacob had started out. He was another little brother to me, except he didn't fancy himself responsible for my every move like Jacob had. I was certain Jasper felt the same way, I'd caught them laughing together more than once, and I knew for a fact they talked outside of their training sessions since the beginning. I also knew that if Jasper had to reach The Pack he would call Seth to relay whatever message there was to the appropriate party. It shouldn't have been so shocking, really. Seth didn't care about the differences between them, that they were meant to be enemies. He saw Jasper for who he was; he was a lot like me in that way.

Leah still hated me, but I found it hard to blame her for it. According to Seth her distaste for me was largely because she blamed me and my relationship with the Cullen family for the destruction of her life, the activation of the wolf gene within her. To her the simple presence of the Cullens had lost her everything, Sam, her father, and now to top it all off she was a werewolf too. Seth disagreed, said if anyone was to blame it was Victoria—but I could see Leah's side, I knew all too well how difficult it was to listen to reason when your life was falling apart all around you.

Today was Sunday, and I smiled while I pulled on my boots, knowing that Charlie would surely bring home enough fish to last the rest of the week. We'd started cooking dinner together on the weekends; no matter how atrocious a cook Charlie normally was, the man knew how to cook fish. We ate in front of the television while I did my schoolwork, him yelling at whatever game was on. It was a nice routine that I had become quite fond of, and even though we still didn't really talk much we were closer than we'd ever been before, and that was enough for now.

Jasper's ringing cell phone interrupted my musings, and with a glance at the screen he answered with a gruff, "What?"

He was silent for a moment before saying, "Get over here, both of you," and snapping the phone shut forcefully.

"We have a problem," he told me, and it was obviously serious. His entire body was tense, and his posture straightened. It was something I'd noticed he did whenever he felt the need to take control of a situation, and it immediately set me on edge.

"What happened?" I asked, fighting to keep myself calm.

"The wolves caught two new scents. Vampires," he said.

This just couldn't be happening.

"I need to go check it out, see if I recognize the scent. Jacob and Paul are on the way," he said, moving close enough to pull me into his arms. "It's going to be okay, we can handle three if we have to. Maybe pick them off if they separate. I promise I won't let anything happen to you."

His words did little to comfort me; just when we'd gotten our footing the rug was being pulled out from under us and now our carefully laid plans might be useless. We'd been prepared to handle one, and if these other vampires were working with Victoria everything would have to be re-evaluated.

Twenty minutes passed before Jacob came barging into the kitchen, and I spied Paul pacing the back yard from my seat at the kitchen table as the door swung shut.

"They came from the east, looped around town and headed back towards the mountains," Jacob reported as he leaned against the counter and crossed his arms.

"Who else is phased?" Jasper asked, standing to walk around the table and lay a hand on my shoulder.

"Seth and Embry, Embry's rounding up who he can and Seth's in position," Jacob answered, and I wondered just how much they had plotted this moment out.

"Leah?"

"Waiting for you south of town."

"Be careful," I squeaked out, shaking Jasper's hand off my shoulder and standing to hug him as tight as I was able.

"I'll be fine, Leah's going to tail me," he said, and all too soon I had to let him go.

Things with Jacob were too strained for his company to offer me any comfort. He still thought of my flight to Italy with Alice, my continued friendship with Jasper as some sort of a betrayal. I couldn't understand where he was coming from, and wondered if there was some other side to the situation I wasn't seeing. I'd asked him a couple of time what his problem was, I'd even asked Jasper if he knew why Jacob was so upset with me, but they both refused to tell me anything.

The awkwardness was thick as we waited for word from Jasper. I tried to keep myself busy by reading the newspaper, but stories of violence and murder only put me more on edge, and I folded the paper neatly on the table and began pacing the room, stopping every now and then to glare at the clock.

Jasper had been gone for over an hour and we hadn't heard anything. I was worried, it shouldn't take this long. There was a nagging feeling in the back of my head that it hadn't been a good idea for us to separate, this was the first time I was aware of that Jasper hadn't been within shouting distance. I almost jumped out of my skin when my cell phone vibrated in my pocket.

"Hello?" I gasped, flipping it open and trying not the let the panic invade my voice.

"Get Jacob," Jasper growled. There was a weird sound in the background, almost a distortion of sorts, but I paid it no mind. I was so relieved that he was okay.

"What happened?" I asked, and Jasper shocked the hell out of me when he yelled, "Get Jacob right the fuck now!"

Jacob had been standing next to me and reached wordlessly for the phone. They talked in quiet voices for a couple of minutes, I was too surprised by Jasper's tone to even try to make out what they were saying. Jasper had never yelled at me before, and I knew something had gone horribly wrong. I could almost feel the terror radiating off of him even though he must have been miles away. I was still lost in my worry when Jacob closed my phone with a snap and strode to the back door.

"I'll be right back," he said tightly, heading toward the back door.

What in the hell was going on? The panic was coming on full force, dread setting deep into my bones. I was close to hyperventilating when Jacob came back into the kitchen, muscles tensed and fear in his eyes.

"What's going on?" I demanded. He looked like he didn't really want to tell me, and I kept my glare steady until he started talking.

"Jasper caught a fresh trail, all three of them. He said something about newborns, but I don't know what he meant. They were really far out when he realized the trail turned and headed back this way. It was a trap, they're coming now."

It was my worst nightmare, Victoria was coming for me and Jasper wouldn't make it in time. I bent my knees and tried to control my breathing but the air wouldn't fill my lungs. I was helpless, and I realized with a pang that Jake and Paul might die here with me. Tears ran down my cheeks and I thought that maybe death followed me for a reason, maybe I had cheated fate all those months ago when Edward saved me and this was the universe's way of correcting it.

Warm arms wrapped around me and hauled me to my feet. "It's gonna be alright, Seth was close and Embry's on the way. We have a plan, it's not ideal but we can hold them off until Jasper and Leah get here. Shh...you need to breathe, it'll be okay," he crooned in my ear. It was the nicest he'd been to me in weeks, and it almost destroyed me.

I took a deep breath and forced myself to calm down. It wouldn't do any good to fall apart, and with tremendous effort I managed to regulate my breathing. Jacob stiffened, and before I'd even registered the motion he sprinted out the door, phasing in mid air. I followed him at a run, barely registering the shredded pair of shorts left in my doorway.

I heard the growling before I saw them, four pairs of red eyes locked on me a couple of feet into the woods. I jolted at the realization that somehow we'd miscounted. Jasper had said three scents, where had the extra come from? Gray and russet wolves paced in front of the back porch, acting as a barricade between me and the vampires who wanted to drain me dry. Seth came tearing in from the trees closer to the front of the house and the wolves closed ranks, crouched low to the ground.

"I'd like you to meet some of my friends, Bella," Victoria's cold voice sang out. "They're pretty new to this life, but they sure have been useful."

I was shaking so badly I had to grab the porch rail to support myself. In a flash they were in my yard. The vampire to her right was tall, his eyes a more vibrant red than hers. He looked deranged, his hungry gaze locked on me while the other two stood to her left. There was a girl, smaller than the other two, she looked around my age. The look on her face was wild, tangled locks of dirty blonde hair fell around her face, and she was swaying forward and backward, ready to pounce at any moment. The last vampire was a man, maybe about thirty, his hair buzzed short offsetting his strong face. He looked positively maniacal, his arms twitching, drooling venom.

"I've waited so long for this," Victoria crooned. "Far longer than I would have liked, but you are _worth it_ , my dear."

Her words echoed in my skull as I tried to come to terms with the realization that she'd been closer than either Jasper or I had thought. How the hell had she managed it without Jasper smelling her, sensing her? I was instantly furious with her for intruding on such a private and meaningful moment, those words were _mine_ , and she had no right to twist them like this. My anger gave way to fear when my brain registered that the situation had become all the more dire, she was more capable than we'd thought.

"H..how?" I stuttered out, my only thought that I needed to stall them for as long as I could.

"Riley here is very special. He never quite gained that vampire smell, he smells more of wildlife, nature. Your precious empath never even noticed he was there," she said, a victorious smile on her face as she reached out to run her palm over his cheek.

I had to force myself to stay upright at the revelation. If this other vampire, Riley, didn't smell like a vampire...there was no telling how much he'd seen, how much Victoria knew of our battle plan.

"Fuck," I breathed. We were so screwed.

Jacob snarled, retreating a little to stand between Paul and Seth. They seemed to comprehend the seriousness of the situation and were readying their defense. My heart was hammering in my chest and I noticed the girl was rocking to it's tempo. Time slowed around me for a moment before all hell broke loose. The girl shot forward and Jacob lunged. I closed my eyes, I couldn't watch this. It didn't matter, not really. If they got past Jake and Seth I was dead, there was no point in watching the destruction.

The air was filled with growls and yelps, the sounds of battle raging me. I forced my eyes open when I heart a howl and was horrified to see Victoria had Jacob by the neck, holding him off the ground.

A deep roar filled the air, vibrating the very earth, and everyone froze; all our gazes snapped to the trees the terrifying noise had come from. Jasper burst into the yard and the look on his face was the single most frightening thing I'd ever seen—if I had ever imagined the Devil, he surely would have looked like Jasper in that minute. His eyes flickered rapidly between the four vampires, an animalistic growl rumbling from his chest, distorting the air around him. Leah ripped through the trees a second later, and I shuddered with relief, we had a chance now.

I blinked once and Jasper had Riley face down on the ground, his arms pulled backwards. Jasper planted his foot on Riley's back and a sickening snap filled the air as he pulled his arms off, throwing them to the side before everything sped back up, and his attention snapped across the lawn.

" _NO!_ " Jasper shouted, taking off like a bullet, and I turned to look for what he was running to.

"Phase! Now!"

The warning came too late. Jacob was soaring through the air right towards me. I was knocked straight back into the side of the house, pinned between brick and fur and flesh, the recoil knocking my head against the bricks. I felt the world spin sickeningly...my vision spotting through my eyelids.

Everything lurched and swam in front of me as the high pitched keen of a vampire being dismembered filled the air. I couldn't breathe, something was pressing on my chest. I was sitting...or maybe laying—there was pressure, but I had no idea what direction it was coming from. Darkness pooled around me as I struggled to stay conscious, tried to fill my deflated lungs. It felt like I was drowning again, oblivion pressing in on me from all sides.

After an eternity the weight on my chest lessened and I drew in a shuddering breath. I tried to move and cried out as pain shot through my limbs, the stabbing pain in my leg and torso stilled me. Everything _hurt_. Throbbed.

I couldn't make my eyes open, couldn't do more than lay on the back porch of my house. If I cracked an eyelid, moved an inch I was sure the contents of my stomach would force their way up my throat.

I could hear shouting nearby, could vaguely smell smoke in air. The darkness was creeping in faster and this time I resigned to let it, maybe in the black there would be relief from the suffocating walls constricting me. Cold hands gripped my face and a jolt of something unidentifiable and foreign brought me around long enough to open my eyes and see Jasper's pitch black gaze staring back at me. The question was written all over his face, and whatever he was sending me cleared my head just long enough for me to realize that if Jasper was looking at me like that then it must be really bad.

"Do it." My words were slurred and even I could barely make them out, but Jasper understood.

He nodded as my eyelids slid closed again and felt him lean his forehead into mine for a second. He whispered something in Spanish, pulled back, and sliced his teeth through my neck. It hurt, but I was thankful for about a second that the pain of his bite was consuming enough that I wasn't able to think about the aching and stabbing that radiated through the rest of my body—but then the fire started. Jasper poured molten lava into my veins and my body jerked without my permission, tearing the flesh at my neck further against his teeth. I felt him withdraw, and something wet and cold ran along the wound. A moment later he tore through the other side of my neck, my wrists.

This was a thousand times worse than I remembered. I felt the screams rolling up my throat and somehow forced myself to swallow them down. I knew it was important to stay quiet, but at the moment I couldn't have said why. I was roasting from the inside out and all I wanted was to spew the lava out, to make Jasper take it back.

I was vaguely aware of pressure against my head, my arms. Somewhere far away there was wind whipping. Every now and then I'd feel something cold press against me and I'd silently beg and plead for it to cool me but it never did. The fire was rampant, running through places in my body I didn't know existed. It was years and years of burning alive, and then something shifted. The quality of the burning changed minutely, and I found I was able to think around it.

I tried to distract myself by listening to the sounds around me, there was wind and the quiet purr of a car engine. I tried counting the seconds, desperately wanting to know how much longer I would have to endure this agony. Now that my brain was somewhat functional again I could feel the venom moving through my body. Feel the increase in intensity as it reached each new muscle, charring them in it's wake.

I heard Jasper talking but couldn't concentrate on his words. My mind was occupied counting the seconds, ensuring that the screams died in my chest. I forced myself to redirect my attention to something else, I had been tracking the passage of time for two hours and the fire only burned hotter.

I thought back to the fight, trying to pinpoint where things had gone so horribly wrong, but most of it was a blur. I wondered if any of the wolves had survived, and I thought they must not have. They would never had permitted Jasper to bite me, to break the treaty. I absently realized that I was still counting somewhere in the background, still tracking the progress of the venom by the second.

The cold taunted me again with it's inability to quench the rampant lava flowing through my body, and somewhere in the back of my head I recognized that it had been Jasper's touch. I hated it. Why was he torturing me with the promise of relief when he couldn't cool me?

One minute and forty-seven seconds later there was nothing but the heat again.

I was able to identify the sounds of Jasper moving throughout a room, pacing, I thought.

" _He cagado, Peter. He cagado tan mal,"_ I heard him say. The words were quick and quiet and I wondered if the pain was making me delirious when a tiny voice in the back of my head reminded me, 'Spanish, Jasper speaks Spanish when he's upset.'

I found myself filing the phrase away, storing it for later use.

" _Casi la mitad de camino. Ni siquiera gritar, y apenas puedo sentir_ ," he sounded near panicked.

He was silent for a moment and I tried to pick through my limited Spanish, I had taken a class over a weekend with Renee...oh God, Renee. Charlie. I would never see them again.

" _¡Por supuesto que no los llamó!_ " he hissed, and again my brain filed away the words without my permission.

I remembered Edward telling me about how his human memories faded, they were nothing more than blurs and shapes after all the years. I begged my brain to memorize my parent's faces, the way Renee would toss back her head when she laughed, how Charlie would get the same uncomfortable look on his face every single time he tried to talk about his feelings. I wanted to cry so badly, but my eyes were squeezed shut, the tears seemingly evaporating in my ducts from the heat.

I'd done nothing but cause them pain for the past year, and now I would never see them again.

" _No, no todavía. Te llamaré si necesito ayuda,_ " Jasper said and I heard the click of his cell phone closing.

The room was silent for the next fourteen hours except for the sounds of my labored breaths. Jasper wasn't breathing at all, wasn't moving, but I still knew he was there. I found that thinking of my parents eased the burning in a superficial way and I concentrated on remembering every detail of my life with them. I ran through every moment in my mind no matter how insignificant, knowing somehow that as long as I continued to think about them I would remember.

I thought about moving to Forks, meeting Edward. The first time I went to the Cullen's house, when I was so sure I loved him and would be with him forever. He'd done nothing but push me away from the very beginning and I wondered how I'd managed to not see it until it was too late.

I thought of Jacob, long walks on the beach and sitting on our driftwood staring out at the ocean. The way he glued me back together, not caring if there were pieces missing. How everything with him had fallen apart so quickly, so easily, and how he'd fought for me until the end anyway.

Running to Edward, desperate to save him and then letting him go.

The story Jasper told me in the woods when he explained why I was worth it all.

I never wanted to forget, these events shaped me in such a profound way and I wouldn't let them go, I couldn't.

"How are you doing that?" Jasper mused from his station two feet and seven inches away from my feet. "It's always like this with you, isn't it. You're burning alive and all you feel is love."

His words comforted me, the tenor of them soothing something deep inside me and I longed for him to just talk to me. Distract me in some slight way because between counting the seconds, mentally tracing the movement of the venom, cataloging every shift in the air around me, trying to figure out where the fuck I was, desperately trying to remember every detail of my human life, _and_ not screaming I was going to go _insane_.

I felt Jasper move closer and smooth damp hair away from my face.

"I should have realized it was trap sooner. The scents were two newborns and I thought...I don't know what I thought. I never realized there was another one, he smelled different, and I hadn't accounted for the possibility they might be gifted. Victoria's trail merged with theirs and I knew we'd been baited, I shouldn't have left you alone. I could have taken you to La Push, could have told Jacob to call in more reinforcements..."

I felt the air shift as Jasper moved into a crouch at my side, grabbing my hand between his palms.

"It's not going to be much longer, you're small and I bit you more times than I had to," he let out a soft chuckle. "Jacob was freaking out, if I hadn't been so terrified of losing you I would have laughed at him."

Hope flared within me, Jacob was alive?

"We suffered no casualties other than you. Victoria got away, but I got one newborn and the wolves got the others. I would have chased her, ended it then and there but you were..." he trailed off.

"I didn't want it to happen like this, but Jacob was screaming at me to save you. I told him I wouldn't, not without your permission. Those seconds it took to get you lucid...they were so slow," his voice was far away, it was like he was lost in that moment, reliving it all over again.

"I'm so sorry, I know you didn't want this anymore, not really—but you told me to do it and I was so desperate..." he leaned his forehead against our clasped hands, and I felt him take a shuddering breath. "I can't seem to stop destroying your life, but I can't lose you either. _Eres lo único bueno que me queda._ "

I wanted to yell at him, tell him it wasn't his fault, but I couldn't. I knew if I relented now, if I allowed my mouth to open the screams would come out and I wouldn't be able to stop them. None of this had ever been his fault, he just always seemed to be caught in the crossfire.

In that moment I burned for him, for all the pain and suffering and guilt he'd been subjected to at my hand. He had told me once he'd never stop trying to make it all up to me, and I wondered if _I_ would ever be able to make that up to _him._

Jasper spent the next six hours telling me random bits and pieces of his life. He ran through the pranks he played on Edward with Emmett, Rosalie's fondness for terrifying the boys whenever they changed schools. How the happiest months of his long life had been the ones in Forks. I hadn't realized how debilitating his gift could be until he spoke of how those months before my birthday had been like a drug for him. Everyone was so happy and content and he'd savored every second of it.

The fire was beginning to retreat, I felt it on a cellular level as it receded from the tips of my toes and fingers. Actually it wasn't a retreat, it was like it was being pushed back into my limbs at an excruciatingly slow pace. For every lick of flame that left me another appeared in my heart, burning hotter and hotter. It took two minutes and seventeen seconds before my toes were blissfully free of the agony, and I thought that maybe this was finally coming to an end.

The heat compressed tighter and tighter in my chest as it slowly flowed out my limbs, millimeter by millimeter. It was so hot, this burning in my heart. The heat kept increasing, and I was sure I was going to explode. I'd lost the tight control I had on my body, and I felt my free hand rip through the sheets of the mattress I was laying on, dig into the padding trying to find purchase. My back arched, and it was getting harder and harder to contain the screams trying to claw their way out of my throat.

That lava that had flowed through my veins? That was nothing, this was a infinitely worse. Jasper's hands tightened around mine, "It will all be over soon."

The words echoed in the shadow of another life a million miles away. He had told me the same thing once upon a time, but I didn't know when...where...why...

Two hours later the burning in my legs had relocated to my heart and I lost all control. I screamed long and hard, only stopping to gather more oxygen in my lungs before the noise clawed it's way out again. There was nothing but this pain, this agony. It consumed everything in it's path and the contrast between the relief in my hands and the fire in my elbows only made it more intense. When the fire consumed my whole body it was harder to realize just how _much_ it hurt.

My throat should have closed after another two hours, my voice should have gone hoarse, but it never did. The screaming was involuntary, just like everything else at that point. I knew I was thrashing and Jasper was trying to keep me pinned down but my chest was _on fire_. Eventually I lost myself to the pain, gave in and let my body do as it wanted. There was nothing I could do to stop it or make it any better.

I lost track of those precious seconds I'd been counting and it broke me, because ever since I was able I was counting those damn seconds. I _knew_ it had been exactly two thousand, four hundred seventy minutes and 13 seconds before I lost track and now I didn't how much more time had passed.

I felt my back arch off the mattress, and I couldn't even tell what was burning and what wasn't anymore. My heart was hammering in my chest so hard I felt the beat in my fingernails. It was just more and more and more...and then there was nothing.


	8. Chapter 8

I fell back to the mattress, the breath I'd been holding forced out of my body. I reflexively breathed in and it felt...strange. I subconsciously started counting seconds again, and marveled for thirty-seven of them at the feeling of moving air in and out when it wasn't strictly necessary. The air carried so much on it, the taste, the texture. I could feel the molecules rush down my windpipe and brush against the sides of my lungs, faint echoes of air vibrating inside of me. It was beyond amazing.

I had located Jasper in the room instinctually, and I had to keep reminding myself that I knew him, that it was safe for me to lay here counting seconds and feeling dust mites bounce around as I breathed them in. He was standing further away than before, he must have moved at some point near the end of my transformation because I knew he'd been holding me down to the torn mattress for part of it. A piece of my brain contemplated the meaning of his distance; he hadn't moved a muscle, remaining still as a statue across the room. He wasn't even breathing. I didn't understand why I was taking note of this—but some part of me was paying close attention to him, this other vampire in the room. It was reassuring somehow that he wasn't moving.

I spent twenty four minutes and thirteen seconds just breathing. Fascinated by the way the taste and smell of the air changed gradually as the moon began to rise into the night. Even with my eyes closed I could sense the change of light in the room, hear the difference in the sounds around me. I could feel the heat of the sun wane, the light soften through windows I knew were placed to my left. There was a smoldering burn in the back of my throat but I was too distracted to concentrate on it. Everything was so different, and I was afraid to open my eyes, to see the changes brought to my vision. Just hearing and smelling and feeling were threatening to drag me under as it was. I continued breathing until the action almost felt normal again, a mimicry of a need I no longer had, and when I decided I was ready my eyes snapped open before the thought had even finished processing.

I felt like I was wearing someone else's glasses. Everything was too sharp, too in focus and it was so overwhelming, but I couldn't bring myself to close my eyes again. Dust swirled through the air, getting caught in the corners of the wooden beams that crossed the vaulted ceiling. I was entranced, mesmerized by the way the molecules ebbed and flowed over the plaster in rhythm with the subtle breeze flowing over me. I kept my gaze focused straight ahead but was able to see out of my periphery that the room I was in was about twelve feet square, the wallpaper a faded yellow floral pattern. My brain started counting flower petals without my permission.

There was so much to take in, too many things to count and inventory. I wanted to stop, needed to stop this compulsion to ensure I knew exactly what was in this room with me and how many of them there were, regardless of whether they could possibly have any bearing on me. It all continued on; tracking the movement of the dust, counting the petals of the flowers that decorated the wallpaper, taking note of everything that passed through my vision. My breaths were coming faster as I fought the overwhelming feeling of being lost in an entirely new world I had no control over. I felt something prickling at the edges of my mind and before I realized I felt threatened I was across the room, crouched in a corner. My chest was vibrating and a horrible noise filled the air. My eyes locked with the vampire across the room; he was doing something to me.

He was beautiful and terrifying. Tall and lean, wearing a clean shirt over pants caked with mud and dirt. Blond hair flowed over his face, his eyes were the reddish orange of a setting sun, and it took me a moment to realize the orange was my blood swimming through his body. The vibration in my chest intensified. Seventeen sets of teeth marks marred his face and neck, two faint lines running over and around them; three bites on the right wrist, one on the left. He scared the shit out of me.

I knew it was only Jasper somewhere in the back of my head, but in the moment he was nothing but a threat, yet another thing to be aware of, another thing my mind needed to keep track of. He was trying to suffocate me in a some sort of a fog, but somehow I knew that he wouldn't be successful.

We were on the first floor of this unfamiliar house, and I noted a window close enough that I could escape if I needed to. I didn't know where I was, but surely being outside would be better than being in here with this vampire who had my blood coursing through his veins. I couldn't control the desire to flee no matter how hard the voice in my head screamed at me that I had nothing to fear from him. My body was no longer responding to rational thought. I was being driven by an entirely new set of rules, and I had no idea what they were or if I could gain any measure of control over them.

His eyes didn't leave mine, but he slowly lowered himself to the floor and sat cross-legged, arms rested lightly on his knees. I relaxed fractionally; with him in this position I had a better hope of getting away if I needed to.

"Bella? Do you remember who I am?" he asked quietly, jolting the saner part of me back to the forefront.

"Jasper." I could almost see the words float out of my mouth, disturbing the air in their path. My voice was different, the pitch and the tone ever so slightly changed, with an undercurrent of harmonies woven into it. It was completely foreign, making me feel all the more lost. Nothing of this body or mind was mine, Bella had been locked away somewhere and while she could think she couldn't act. All the while I analyzed how his name had sounded rolling off my tongue, how my mouth had felt shaping the word.

"Bella," Jasper said again, and while part of my mind continued to contemplate this new voice of mine the greater part of it refocused on him. Jasper. Jasper was comfort.

"Are you thirsty?" he asked quietly, and the moment the question reached my ears the flames lingering in the back of my throat came flying to the surface. It was all I could think about now. Thirsty, I was so thirsty. I wanted to rip and tear and destroy and drink. I wanted red.

My head nodded without my permission, and my legs twitched as I longed to run...find something to quench this unbearable scorching in my throat.

"I'll take you to hunt, but you have to let me come closer, can you do that, Bella?" he asked. He started to rise, slowly, deliberately.

The rumbling in my chest increased, and in an instant I was out the window to my left. I landed on the ground in a crouch and took off running. It was so natural, running. I could see every blade of grass, as I flew downhill across the lawn and into the forest surrounding the house where the oppressive room I'd been trapped in was. Specks of bark, leaves, twigs, they all crunched under my feet as I sprinted and listened intently, scenting the air as I ran. I wasn't sure what I was doing, but the decision making part of my brain was cut off. I knew I had to run, had to smell, had to find something wet, red, and thick out here in the wild.

I heard the thumping of the heartbeats before I smelled the tangy scent of something mouthwatering in the air. I wanted it, I needed it, and my body took over. I was on strings, some sick puppet master controlling me. I catalogued every moment of the massacre, every bone I snapped, every piece of fur ripped away in search of the precious blood that ran beneath torn and mangled flesh. I was helpless to stop it. By the time I'd finished the area looked like a war zone, and I slowly came back to myself. Everything was painted in red, the carcasses strewn over yards. I couldn't have done this, I would never have done this.

Rational thought had found me again, and the idea that I was capable of something so awful, that I'd torn these bodies to shreds and chunks...I sank to my knees and felt blood soak through my jeans.

I knew Jasper was nearby, I could smell his scent wafting on the breeze, but he gave me a few moments before approaching me.

"Shh...shh...it's okay," he consoled me as he knelt beside my quivering frame.

I felt lucid now, less savage than when I'd awoken and I involuntarily leaned into him, resting my forehead on his chest while I sobbed. I couldn't believe that I had ever wanted this, had ever asked for it. Jasper silently rubbed his hands up and down my back while I tried desperately to cry tears that just wouldn't come. There was no release for my sorrow, no physical way to expel the grief and horror out of my body.

Jasper smelled like spice and trees and saltwater. He was an island in the middle of a vast ocean, and something in my bones ached for his smell. Jasper was comfort; it was knowledge that was etched into me. My fingertips grasped at his shirt and I pulled back when it tore under my hands, terror running through my body at what I'd become. He pulled me back to him, his arms like a vise around my waist. He rocked me for hours, holding me together and letting me drink in the comfort of being wrapped in the only dry land for miles.

It wasn't until some time later I had regained my composure, not until the dark sky had begun the lighten by just the slightest degree, and the vague scent of sunrise filled the air. Jasper loosened his grip when my posture relaxed, and I sat back on my heels. His shirt was in tatters, more of the bite marks showing now, but they weren't upsetting in the same way they'd been before. Now I just looked at him with sadness, wondering what had happened to him to cause all that damage.

The trees around us were stained, bits of flesh stuck to the blades of grass. That horrible feeling started creeping up in my gut again, and Jasper grabbed the sides of my face.

"Look at me," he commanded, and my eyes shot to his. I almost got lost in the swirling depths of gold interlaced in burgundy. "This is a fact of our existence, but it will get better. It's not going to be so awful every time, I promise." His words were earnest and laced with compassion, and I had to believe him. I just had to because the alternative was too much to even consider.

He stood up, pulling me to my feet with him and guided me back the way I'd come. Once we'd left the scene of my first hunt I was able to appreciate just how beautiful this place was. Dense forest surrounded us on all sides, forming a canopy overhead that only allowed chunks of moonlight to stream between the branches. We diverged from the trail leading back to the house toward the sound of running water in the distance, eventually breaking through the trees to the sight of a river feeding into a pond.

"Let's get you cleaned up, and then we'll talk, okay?" Jasper asked, and I nodded my head. I couldn't quite make myself speak again, still startled by the foreign and unfamiliar voice that had come out of my mouth back in the house.

My eyes widened when Jasper grabbed me around the waist and jumped right into the water, submerging us for a moment before coming back up for air. I sputtered for a moment before I realized I was in no danger of drowning, I didn't need to breathe anymore. The water was tinged red around us as the blood on my clothes and in my hair seeped into the water, and I watched it gather in sickeningly beautiful spirals as Jasper rinsed the sticky mess from me.

I should have been cold, I thought when he pulled me from the pond.

It took me until halfway to the house before I could force the words to roll off my tongue and ask him, "Where are we?"

"Bum-fuck nowhere, Wyoming," he responded. "More specifically, Rawhide Ranch. I bought it a few decades ago, it's almost fourteen thousand acres, and beyond that nothing for miles and miles."

"No humans?" I asked, worried about what would happen if I encountered someone. I had ripped a small herd of elk to shreds, and from what I could remember being told the call of human blood was impossibly more tempting. I couldn't even imagine it.

"No humans," he confirmed. He paused for a moment before continuing, "I used to come here, after a slip up. Take some time alone to gather my thoughts. I thought you'd like that, the chance to acclimate yourself in seclusion."

"Yeah."

It was a beautiful place, full of trees, empty expanses, and rolling hills. It was almost like a mix of Forks and Arizona, and it just...felt like home. I could see the house perched on a small hill in the distance, two stories, and built of bricks. We were approaching from the back where there was a large deck built onto it, spanning the entire width of the house. The windows were large, and I could see most of them were open. It had a big yard, maybe an acre, and there was a small stream that ran around the side of it into the woods.

"Are you feeling better now?" Jasper asked me, and I had to take a moment to think about it.

"Yes and no. I'm not sure. I feel more...me right now I guess, but..." I stopped walking and stared off into the distance. "I can see so far, I can smell everything. It's so much. My brain is going in a million directions at once and every time I breathe in I remember that I don't really have to and...and..." I trailed off, the panic threatening to overwhelm me again.

"Bella!" he said firmly, turning me to look at him, "You have to calm down, I can't do it for you anymore. You have to do it yourself."

I felt like the training wheels had been stolen off my bike. How was I supposed to manage all of this alone? I felt myself being pulled deeper and deeper into the abyss and just when I thought I would be lost forever Jasper pulled me into a hug and I breathed in his scent hungrily. It was like he was the only thing tethering me down, I felt like at any moment I would just float away and leave all sanity behind. It was so hard to hold onto my train of thought like this, there were just too many flying around in my head.

"It'll get better, you'll learn to think around the distractions. It just takes some time," he said, running his hand through my hair and holding me just a little tighter.

"How long? Because I feel like any second I'm just going to explode. I don't know what to do with this body, I should be exhausted, I should be cold, but I'm not...I feel so _weird_. I want to be tired. I want to _sleep_ and wake up and have it all go back to normal." I felt so bad about the words spewing out of my mouth. I knew Jasper had to feel incredibly guilty for all of this, and I was only making it worse—but the words just kept coming and coming until I finally pressed my face back into his chest and took another long and shuddering breath.

"You'll get used to the sights and sounds pretty quickly, a matter of weeks—but your mind works differently now, and that will probably take longer. Most vampires pass their newborn phase within a year, I'd say about ten or eleven months is the average."

"But it will get better, I won't always feel like this?"

I felt his lips curve against the side of my head as he answered, "No, you won't always feel like this.

"You're physically at your strongest right now, but you'll learn to control it, and the excess will begin to wane in a few months," he said as we separated and continued walking towards the house, Jasper keeping a firm grip on my hand.

"There's actually not a whole lot to do around here, we'll have to think of something to keep you occupied. I have a pretty large library, but the way you read it probably won't last long. I pretty much only packed clothes, you're really going to need them," he said smirking at my wet and torn ensemble.

His talk of packing brought some of my questions to the surface and I asked, "What happened with the wolves, with Jacob. I heard you talking to me towards the end...you said I was the only one who got hurt?"

We were climbing the stairs up to the deck and Jasper sat in one of the chairs, motioning me to another.

"Yes, they are all intact. Jacob got a little banged up but you took the brunt of the impact," he said once I was seated. He was speaking clinically now, and it was such a contrast to the emotions that had colored his words when he'd talked of the incident before.

"Will you tell me what happened?"

Jasper ran a hand through his hair before resting his elbows on his knees and leaning his tall frame toward me.

"I have no idea where the third newborn came from," he started, and I interrupted immediately.

"She said he had a weird scent. He'd been watching us for months and reporting back to her," I told him. Jasper's eyes widened minutely as he took in the information.

"Fuck," he muttered, and I nodded my agreement.

"Anyways..." I prodded with a motion for him to continue.

"When I got there Victoria had Jacob by the neck, Paul had one of the newborns pinned to the ground. Leah went after another one, and I'd just got the last when she threw Jacob into you. You hit your head in the impact, that was the worst, but your leg was broken in a couple places and some of your ribs were cracked."

I knew most of this, but to hear it from Jasper's perspective was disturbing. He stopped talking and looked like he didn't want to tell me the rest. His eyes were staring at the wood planks of the deck but it didn't look like he was actually seeing them.

After a couple of minutes he continued, "I'd gotten the newborn fucker's head off when Victoria ran. I was right behind her when Jacob yelled for me and I realized how bad off you were. You were so disoriented...there was blood...

"The wolves were dismembering the newborns and once they'd set the fire in the woods Jacob sent them away. I didn't know what to do. He gave me this look once they were gone...he looked me right in the eye and he told me to just fucking do it."

Jasper had his head in his hands, and he looked so miserable. I stood and pried his hands from his face, replacing them with my own, urging him to continue, to just let it all out.

"I managed to get you to coherent for a moment, and you knew...you knew what I was going to ask you, and you told me it was okay," he said, closing his eyes and leaning into my hands.

"Jacob had torn some strips from your shirt and pants to stop the bleeding from your head, so we scattered them around the yard. We made it look like an animal attack, we didn't want Charlie to think you'd just run off again, though I don't think letting him assume you died is much better. We ran you through to woods to Carlisle's house, Rosalie and Alice had left a lot of clothes and Jacob packed whatever he thought would fit you while I went out to find a car. I didn't tell him where we were going, he was afraid Sam would see it in his mind and decide to pursue us."

I was torn between a litany of emotions. I wanted to be angry with him, I really did. Charlie thought I was dead, and no matter how distant our relationship was he was my Father, and I hadn't even gotten to tell him goodbye or that I loved him. Renee wouldn't handle the news well at all; if I'd been able to do this on my terms I could have given her some closure, found some way to lessen the sting of it for both of them. I wanted to blame him for everything, but I knew it wasn't his fault. Victoria was the one who had caused all of this, and when the thought crossed my mind I felt such uncontrollable rage and fury that I had to take a step back from him.

"I want to kill her," I said in a voice I could barely recognize as my own. "I want to rip the limbs from her body and dance on her pyre..." I was shaking and growling, red tinted my vision. Victoria had done this to me, to those I loved. She'd forced Jasper into a corner where any action he took would destroy my family's lives. She would pay for this.

I was steadily focused on conjuring up images of all the things I wanted to do to her, and somewhere a part of me was disgusted I even had the imagination to come up with some of it. The larger part of me was intent on her destruction. I could find her, I could do the job myself now, and my hands ached to wrap around her neck. I was barely aware of Jasper pulling me down the stairs and deep into the forest, but the instant I smelled the blood other urges took over. For the second time since I awoke to this life I gave over to the animal inside me, and this time the victim was a black bear.

It took three days before Jasper managed to get me back inside the house. Every time we tried to make our way back something in me snapped along the way and I'd need to hunt again. If it wasn't my anger, it was realizing I could make out every detail on every feather of a bird flying overhead, or the sight of my skin sparkling in the sunlight, but most often it was the thirst. Draining elk, bears, and wolves did little to satisfy the overwhelming need, and the only way I was able to focus on anything else was if I had my face pressed tight against Jasper, or I was already fixated and focused on something else that made my beast roar.

I was an animal, and the brief moments of clarity feeding afforded me did little to ease the confusion that colored everything in my sight. The only constant was Jasper, he was the only thread that tied the life I'd been deprived of to the new and unfamiliar wilderness.

Three days I was lost, with Jasper as my only guide.

He had given up trying to clean me off after each hunt, once the water in the pond was tinged with the slightest shade of pink I steadfastly refused to go in it. The death and violence I caused swirled in that water. We ran, and fourteen thousand acres had never been so small.

The ranch was stunning, and I marveled at it in my more lucid moments. There were barns and silos spread out amongst paddocks and fields, all long abandoned and taken over by nature. It was a ghost town, a snapshot of what used to be here.

By the time I finally followed Jasper through the creaky door with paint chips falling off it I was covered in blood and leaves and dirt. Blades of grass stuck to the sticky mess on my arms, my hair hung heavily on my head. I was dirty, and I just wanted to be clean again—but nothing could wash away what I'd done in the past seventy-two hours.

The house was run down, but somehow appealing at the same time. The furniture was old and dusty, a simple couch upholstered in navy blue pulled up to a plain wooden coffee table with a love seat in matching fabric lined up against the narrow end. The white paint covering the walls was yellowed and chipped with age. There were no pictures anywhere, no personal touches that told me this was Jasper's home. It was plain and empty, blank and unassuming.

Jasper dragged me through the left of two doors and into the room I'd awoken in, stopping only to pick up a duffel bag off the floor. Something inside me was relieved he chose this room; that I already knew how many flowers decorated the walls here. The bathroom was just as rudimentary as the other rooms. It was small, painted in dark shades of green and blue with navy and white checkered tile on the floor. A combination shower and bathtub resided against the far wall, but what caught my eye was the mirrored medicine cabinet resting above the sink.

I'd had a basic idea of how my body had changed, I knew I was an inch or two taller because I came up higher against Jasper now. I knew my hair had more red in it because I saw the glint of the sun against the strands two days ago when we were walking around the fields; so I wasn't surprised to see my face was slightly more angular, my body leaner—but nothing could have prepared me for the violent red that replaced murky brown.

Jasper turned to see why I'd stopped walking, and his reflection came up behind mine in the mirror. Somehow he knew not to touch me right now, to keep a crucial distance of four inches between us. My eyes...they were irrefutable evidence that I was no longer human, that I was something unnatural walking the earth. Proof that I had died on Sunday.

I was dangerously close to snapping again, and it was only through sheer force of will that I was able to calm the raging inside me and keep hold of my sanity.

"They'll fade, it'll take time but they will," Jasper soothed before pulling back the shower curtain and turning on the water. He set his bag down on the lid of the toilet and rummaged through it for a moment before extracting a bottle of shampoo and a new bar of soap, setting them on the ledge of the tub before turning back to me.

My tongue was glued to the roof of my mouth, and even the sight of Jasper pulling off his torn and muddied clothes couldn't tear my gaze away from the mirror.

It was peculiar, this ability to follow multiple trains of thought simultaneously, because while the larger part of my attention was focused on the ruby red shining from around my pupils there was a smaller, less influential part of me wondering just what in the hell Jasper thought he was doing. He'd come to stand behind me again, and ripped what remained of my shirt and jeans right off my body, leaving me in my underwear, socks and shoes. He was naked except for his boxers, and yet another piece of my brain appreciated just how handsome he was.

Another piece of me noted with horror that Jasper's scars were so thick in places that the lighter shade of scar tissue looked like his skin tone. I had seen them as a human, but they were so faint I could barely make them out, and I never considered the possibility that the damage was so extensive. There was a jagged mark circling his left arm just above the elbow that matched the faint lines of the two rings around his neck. They were the marks left by dismemberment, and it was that thought that finally pulled my attention from the mirror.

He was untying my shoes, pulling them off one by one, my socks following, and when he finished I ran a finger over the higher of the two marks on the side of his neck. A sharp shudder ran through me, and Jasper leaned his head up to stare at me with haunted eyes.

"I understand if they make you afraid or uncomfortable," he said, and though he hid it well I could detect the undercurrents of shame and disgust running through his words.

"They scared the shit out of me at first, now they just make me sad," I replied in the new and musical voice that disturbed me so much.

I couldn't even fathom it, the idea of Jasper's head torn from his body. It had to have hurt so much, left so many other scars not visible.

He rose to his feet slowly before picking me up and depositing me in the tub under the spray of the shower head and stepping in behind me. The water was hot, but it didn't warm me like it should have, and I was quickly transfixed by the swirls of blood and earth mixing with water and running down the drain. No words were spoken, the only sound the beating of water against me, the droplets running down my face and splashing on the bottom of the tub.

Once I was clean he turned us so he was situated under the spray and made quick work of washing himself off. I couldn't help but reach out a hand to trace the line running along the curve of his arm. I wished I could cry for him. He'd been torn to pieces and still stood in front of me. He was taking care of me even though nobody had taken care of him and it broke my heart.

Jasper stilled in his movements and looked at me long and hard. His face was a mixture of amazement and incredulity, and when he spoke his voice sounded hoarse.

"They don't bother you?"

"They do," I whispered, running my thumb over the scar one last time, "I wish I could erase them for you."

Jasper shook his head slightly, droplets of water shooting off his hair and dripping down the wall before rinsing himself and turning off the water. He pulled back the curtain roughly and stepped out onto the bath mat before turning and plucking me from the tub and wrapping me in a fluffy white towel, and did his best to dry me off.

He soaked the moisture from my hair with another towel before muttering, "I have clothes for you," and digging through the duffel bag and pulling out a pair of yoga pants and what looked to be one of his undershirts.

"Thanks," I whispered, as he set the clothes on the counter and left me to change.

I reached behind me to unhook my soaked bra and it tore into ribbons, and my underwear met the same fate a moment later. I tried a lighter touch with the clean pair of pants, but they tore just the same.

"Son of a bitch!" came screeching out of my mouth and in that same second Jasper walked back into the bathroom, a towel slung low around his hips with another change of clothes for me in his hands.

"You'll learn, you have all the time in the world," he said gently, pulling an expensive looking blouse over my head before he slid a pair of soft denim shorts up my legs.

My nudity and humiliation seemed to lighten his mood, and he shot a devilish smirk at me before walking back out to the bedroom, leaving the door open this time. I stared after him for two full minutes, unable to comprehend what had just happened.

I heard the swish of Jasper's towel and flutter of fabric and gave him another four and a half minutes before leaving the bathroom. His head turned in my direction from the doorway leading out to the living room, and he shot another smile at me, this one heavier than the last.

"It's so fucking weird. I know you have to be embarrassed, but there's no blush, no corresponding emotion," he said, shaking his head a little.

I cocked my head to the left a little and considered what he'd said. I wouldn't miss the blushing, it was perhaps the first positive thing brought to mind about being a vampire, but it was the second part of his statement that baffled me.

"You can't feel me?" I asked, and he shook his head no. "How is that possible?"

"It's probably your gift," he said, sounding proud. For some reason the idea that I might be gifted was far more appealing than it should have been. It was nice to feel like maybe I was special, that somebody else thought I was special.

I nodded, rapidly compiling the questions I wanted answered about this new revelation, and followed Jasper back out through the living room and out the front door. The yard on this side of the house was just as expansive as the one in back, wide and open. There was a cobblestone path leading from the front door to a gravel driveway where a silver Chevy SUV I didn't recognize sat.

"Did you _steal_ that?" I asked, unable to decide if I was outraged or amused.

"I didn't exactly have time to do things on the level, and we couldn't leave a paper trail," he justified.

Unbidden thoughts of Charlie and Renee, of The Pack floated to the surface. I hated to think it but I found myself hoping they'd fallen for Jasper and Jacob's ruse, it was so much crueler to let them think I was out in the world somewhere, that maybe they could find me and bring me home. I wondered if they'd held the funeral by now, if they'd stopped looking for the body.

I was teetering dangerously close to the edge again, and forced myself to remember that they were better off without me. They were safe now, every one in Forks and La Push was safer now that I was gone, and that knowledge eased the sting a little. I just wished I'd gotten a chance to say goodbye in some way. I hadn't talked to Renee in weeks, and Charlie and I had been dancing around each other emotionally ever since the night I told him what had happened between me and Edward.

I hadn't realized how long I'd been standing on the walkway staring off into space until I felt Jasper's fingers grip my shoulder. I laid a hand over his and took another minute before glancing at his concerned expression out of the corner of my eye. I couldn't afford to lose it again, we'd only been back to the house for less than an hour, and I refused to loose the hold I had on my sanity now.

"So, Grand Theft Auto," I said conversationally, "Anything else I should know about?"

"No, the getaway was clean."

Jasper released his hold on me to start unloading the car, pulling an absurd amount of suitcases and bags out of the back. He hadn't been kidding when he said almost everything he brought was clothes. I tried to help, but every handle I gripped snapped, every strap I tried to hoist over my shoulder ripped. It was insanely frustrating, and in the end I resolved to seethe by the front door while he carried our bags into the living room.

"Keep trying," Jasper said as he brought in the last load from the car, leaving the door wide open. "Anything you break is replaceable, and it's the only way you're going to learn."

He set down all but one of the bags he was carrying and held out a suitcase upholstered in dark brown fabric. I tried to use a light touch, but it was useless, and I was filled with fury towards the stupid plastic that wasn't sturdy enough for me to even touch it.

A growl ripped through my chest and in a split second Jasper's arms were around me.

"You have to patient," he said forcefully. "You're not going to get it right away, but if you let yourself be frustrated and angry about it then it's just going to take longer."

I could tell he was trying to calm me with his gift. I could feel the flow of emotion running off his skin and over mine, like he was pouring glass over me. The monster in my head roared, and took back control.

I hated this helpless feeling, I was trapped in my body with no say over my actions as this darker part of me growled and struggled with Jasper, anxious for him to release me so I could tear everything to shreds. It would be easy to completely give in to this raging beast inside me, it was only a matter of relaxing my grip. All I had to do was stop trying to control it and I could just _be_ the monster instead of trapped inside it, and it was so very tempting to do just that. I would have done it too—but Jasper had his arms wrapped tight around me as he tried to get me outside, and the least I could do for him when he was trying so fucking hard to keep me together was put forth some effort as well.

So I fought and wrestled with this demon who had control of my limbs while the demon fought with Jasper until he'd managed to get us deep into the forest where I could finally be let loose.


	9. Chapter 9

Thirty-eight hunts. Thirty-eight individual occasions where I realized for the first time exactly what Edward had meant when he called himself a monster. The ending was always the same; me covered in blood, burdened with the crystal clear and somehow still hazy memory of myself behaving in a way I never thought I'd be capable of. I'd been told...I'd thought I knew, but I had no idea.

I ebbed and flowed, receded before crashing against the shore. There was no balance in this life, only teetering to either side trying to find my footing as the world lurched and swam all around me.

Four completely decimated door knobs.

Nine attempts to pull cotton and silk over my head.

Seven times I rocked back and forth on my knees trying to understand why the world was so cruel that it took my Dad away from me.

Two complete and total breakdowns.

It never ended. Nothing ever ended. The world spun, the days passed, and each and every time I was still standing in the same place. Control was something to be earned. Strength was a foe to be conquered. Thirst was an adversary to defeat.

The sun rose and set, the hours ticked by, and they no longer had any bearing on my life. There was no sleep to wake from, no time set aside for meals, no school to attend. The days blurred together, each one seeping into the next. Setbacks and steps forward now measured how long I'd been here, determined where the end point laid—but after the end there was just more time...

"Okay, now slowly tighten your grip," Jasper said, his long fingers wrapped around my forearm as he demonstrated exactly how much pressure I could apply to the railing of the deck without crushing it.

It should have been easy, all I had to do was manage this task once, and then this exact amount of force would be forever recorded in my mind as correct and everything else would be a matter of making small adjustments to fit any given circumstance. It was just a matter of matching his example, but still the grains of wood crumbled under my fingertips, and in my rage I swept my free arm under the railing, destroying the slats below.

"You've got to stop doing that, pretty soon we're not going to have anything to work with," Jasper sighed, glancing toward the half of the deck I'd already destroyed.

"I can't help it." I was crawling in my skin. I wanted to sleep, to experience that blissful feeling of being recharged, instead of constantly bursting at the seams. There was so much energy, so much power, and I didn't know what to do with it. I wanted this day to _end_ and be able to start fresh tomorrow.

"I know you can't, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't at least try."

His comeback provided me with the illusion of hope, a sense of impossibility that only made me want to try harder. I moved six feet to my right, and readied myself to try again.

"Alright," Jasper said, moving with me along the railing and taking his position at my side. "Palm flat."

I held my hand inches above the railing, fingers spread wide while Jasper did the same over my outstretched left arm. I followed a split second after him, mimicking his movements as he lowered his palm to my skin, and clenched his fingers soft as a feather around my arm with a touch so light I could barely feel more than a whisper.

The wood cracked and splintered, and I lost the precarious hold I had on my control. I shook with the intensity of my rage and frustration, and that oh so familiar red haze began to creep in from the edges of my vision. I was losing it, but at least I was getting to the point where I could identify the symptoms that led to the upcoming massacre.

"Don't you let it win," Jasper ground out forcefully, his grip on my arm tightening. "Leash it, Bella."

But it was no use, there was no containing the fury that arose within me. I was frustrated and angry, and I hated him so much for doing this to me, even though some undisclosed corner of my brain knew it wasn't actually his fault.

I was a runaway train, there was just no stopping me, and to his credit Jasper didn't really try to. I had to expel this energy from my limbs. My leap over the flimsy material of the deck should have been impressive, the way I wove between trees and leaves and grass should have captivated me. The way I dug my fingernails into flesh and bone should have been horrifying—but it was all the vampire, it was the standard by now.

On and on it continued. I would try and fail, I would try harder and chain myself to the monster that pulled me through the forest and conducted me like I was nothing more than a marionette. There was no control, no peace, and there was certainly no escape—but no matter how despondent I became Jasper was there for me every single night, breathing encouragement into my ear, reassuring me that there was time. There was time to get this wild abandon under control.

The sun fell below the horizon yet again, and I found myself staring out the living room at the brilliant colors that streaked across the sky, wishing they still meant something. It had been two weeks, if I chose to think about it that way. Fourteen days, three hundred thirty-six hours...one long and sleepless night.

I looked around the sparse living room, my mind taking note that there was absolutely nothing in here that I could lay my hands on, and the space closed in on me. I was a ghost in this house. I lowered myself down to sit on the floor, bending my legs and resting my chin on my knees as I contemplated just what it meant that I was strong and fast, yet still strangled by the claustrophobia of being so very weak.

I could feel Jasper's eyes on me, and I knew the exact look that colored his expression. It was the same look he always got when he was trying to decide whether or not to intervene when I was getting dangerously close to losing my calm. He was all sad eyes and furrowed eyebrows, slightly pursed lips and wrinkled nose. Sometimes he tried to use his gift, but most often he didn't. He couldn't help me that way, and something inside me really hated it when he tried.

He'd told me it was a shield, some sort of protection that had manifested along with my change. He said it had probably always been there, dormant, waiting. I liked the idea, it was one of the few things that actually gave me any measure of perspective, because if I'd always had this shield that meant that maybe this was always meant to happen to me.

"You good?" Jasper asked, and I nodded my head. "How did you do this time?"

He always asked me this. Every single time I managed to calm myself he wanted to know how, what I thought of, what I told myself. At first I'd been irritated with his questioning, but I was starting to think he wasn't really asking because he was curious; he just wanted me to say the words out loud, to actually think and consider what helped so I would be aware and able to repeat the process if I needed to.

"I was thinking that maybe all of this was inevitable."

"And that makes you feel better?" he asked, standing from the couch and folding his legs to sit next to me.

"A little, yeah. I like to think that even though everything went so wrong I would have wound up here eventually, things just got sped up a bit." It was the closest thing to optimism I could manage.

I knew I was content, in a way. Under these conditions this was a good place to be, and if I had to choose I would choose to be here, with him. I was also aware that I was doing well enough, that at some point everything wouldn't be so overwhelming and vivid, and I just needed to have the patience to get there—but I didn't know if I could be happy again. I didn't know what happy meant in this new world, and the thought saddened me.

"I agree," Jasper said softly. "I decided long ago that I'd change you if you would let me. Alice saw it."

"I thought as much."

We'd tiptoed around the subject for weeks back in Forks. Jasper would poke and prod, and I would avoid. I hadn't been ready for this to happen, but I probably never would have been. Those last few weeks were clearer in my mind than anything else; the nights we spent sitting on my bed, our walks through the woods. He was the focus of the sharpest of my human memories, him and Charlie. Everything else was covered in fog, even some of my time with him was still obscured by varying thicknesses of mist.

Jasper reached over and grabbed one of my hands in his, rubbing circles on my wrist. "I have to call the family."

"Why?" I asked, my body freezing in place.

"Because I don't know if the treaty is void or not, and they have to know not to go back to Forks," he explained, and I was so very irritated that I couldn't argue the point, that he had a good reason. "They'll want to know that this happened to you, Bella."

"Why can't Alice just tell them?"

"She couldn't see us before because the wolves were involved, and I'm willing to bet your shield is blocking her now. If she knew what had happened she would have called. I don't think she even knows where we are," Jasper explained, and the patience in his voice was soothing and infuriating. I hated this. I hated having to be told things like a child for fear I'd snap.

"Then I guess you'd better call them, I'm going out." I didn't want to hear him tell the story of how I'd died, hear him talk to the people I'd once considered mine. They were vague now, blurs and shapes and impressions of love and betrayal that focused into strangled goodbyes and worthlessness.

I could recall a brief and fleeting feeling of acceptance—but it was weak, and I couldn't help but feel any progress that had been made had been eradicated by the spreading venom. What I did remember was that they hadn't stayed when Jasper did, and if they didn't want me back then, I didn't care if they wanted me now. I was beyond their grasp, and I wanted to keep it that way.

Hearing their voices and listening to them ask questions about me would surely only cause me pain. I had enough pain to deal with right now, so instead I hunted.

When I returned to the house I glared at what was left of the obscenely uncooperative wood railing on the deck. My last attempt to work with the material had been the last, and I hoped we would never revisit the exercise. My feet carried me through the open doorway and toward the sounds of Jasper pacing in the library, but when I turned the hall corner found the door shut, and that closed door presented so many problems. I couldn't knock, I couldn't turn the knob. All I could do was stand there, useless, wondering why Jasper was shutting me out. It was maddening, being so strong and resilient and completely useless.

It took nearly ten minutes for me to find my voice, to push back the waves of confusion lapping at me and simply call out, "Jasper?"

The door opened immediately revealing a tired and worn looking man. On the surface he was all smiles, but somewhere just beneath the surface he was stuck in the eye of a storm. It was so subtle, this darkness looming inside of him—but it was there, I could see it.

"Hey," he muttered, stepping back from the open doorway and taking a seat on the faded leather couch that served at the room's only furniture other than bookcases.

There was a war going on inside me, I was torn between my desire to fix whatever was wrong with him and my determination to keep my distance from the family—but in the end Jasper won. I couldn't say nothing, he'd always been there for me when I was dangling off the edge, and I owed it to him to do the same.

"You okay?" I asked, tilting my head to the side and examining him, as it whatever was bothering him would somehow manifest across his skin.

"Yeah, it was just a difficult conversation that needed to be had," he responded, his head angled to the left to look out the window.

I took a moment to look around this room I'd only been in once before, at the walls covered in bookcases with every shelf filled, and the sight set off such longing in me. I wanted to read, to lose myself in a fantasy world, to find that comfort that I could remember books gave me when I was human.

"Pick one," Jasper said, and I turned my head to see him staring a hole right through me. It was so bizarre, how he sometimes could sense my mood even without his gift.

I looked over the rows and rows of books, locating one that I remembered the title of but was nearly positive I hadn't read before. Jasper plucked it off the shelf as soon as I pointed it out and sat on the floor, legs spread and his back against the couch.

"Sit," he gestured to the space in front of him. He wound his arms around me as I complied, paying no mind to the dirt and dried blood that stained my shirt, and opened the book against my thighs.

He stayed entirely silent as I read, turning the pages whenever I needed. It was such a nice and normal activity, reading together, and for the rest of the night I didn't mind my uncontrollable super-strength so much, because I got to feel like me again.

* * *

The passage of time was now flexible, and marked entirely by progress; my days and weeks had become failures and triumphs, and as the weeks turned into a month I gained more control over myself.

There was the day I only hunted once, the evening Jasper taught me how to block a punch and we ended up wrestling in the back yard for an hour, and the afternoon I pushed a door open and didn't knock it off it's hinges. They were accomplishments that I never thought I'd have to work so hard to achieve.

Jasper's phone calls to the family morphed into text messages, his hours of seclusion afterward dwindled into nearly nothing. For the most part he seemed to be happy, relaxed; the light superseded the shadows that lingered within him. I wondered if it was the environment or if he simply didn't have to struggle to control himself around me anymore, and that made everything easier on him. I couldn't imagine how he'd been able to tolerate my presence, stand to touch me at all when I was human. Now that he didn't have to worry about killing me he was downright affectionate at times.

We read, we played chess, though Jasper had to move my pieces for me and he no longer held back his aptitude for the game. At night we laid out in the backyard staring at the sky and Jasper would teach me the names of the constellations, tell me stories and myths and weave fantastic tales that brought light to his eyes and a smile to my face.

I felt less and less like I was on the verge of exploding, and grew more comfortable with the power that now laid in my bones. After so many sleepless nights I was becoming desensitized to the alertness, the feeling of being constantly overcharged. My thoughts settled and the distractions waned, and I started to think that maybe I _could_ be happy in this new place.

While some things changed, others stayed the same. Fury still overtook me at the mere thought of the events that had led me here, but in the end I couldn't wish anything different. I needed to learn how to look past the way the events had affected me, and remember that my family was safe now. My parents and The Pack were safer without me around, and even if I had nothing else I still had Jasper.

Victoria was never far from my thoughts, always rattling the bars of a cage in the back of my head, and I longed to rip and shred her into pieces. I wanted to dismantle her piece by piece and watch each of them burn. I would do it, I decided, the second I was able I'd hunt her down and destroy her. I would make her pay for all she'd done to me and the people I loved.

I knew Jasper would be willing to help, and it was so easy to lose myself in the fantasy; we would hunt her down and kill her, and then we would come back here, come back home.

"This is ridiculous, you realize I've seen you naked dozens of times," Jasper complained, breaking me out of the fog of red that descended over me every time I allowed myself to plot and plan Victoria's demise.

We were approaching my fifth week as a vampire, and I was again being subjected to the humiliating experience of showering. Generally I'd swim in the pond after hunting, it was easier and far less embarrassing than this, but every couple of days I'd need to actually bathe, to use soap and frantically scrub at my skin to try and erase everything I'd done out under the cover of trees.

It wasn't quite so horrible anymore, I had painstakingly concocted a method that allowed me the best possibility of pretending Jasper wasn't able to see my every move, affording me a miniscule amount of comfort. My routine consisted of him sitting on the toilet and squirting whatever product I needed into a hand I reached around the shower curtain. He didn't really understand why I was so adamant about it, contrary to what I'd thought of Jasper before he wasn't a modest person _at all_. Not three days went by that I didn't find him wandering around the house in some state of undress, and I was fiercely thankful not only for my shield, but also my inability to blush.

" _Soap!_ " I demanded, choosing to ignore his comment.

"I know you're also aware that I can totally see through this shower curtain." He always did this, ruined the fantasy that I carefully built so I could shower in peace.

"You're supposed to be _quiet_ right now! Just...go away!" The words came out whiney and petulant, but I couldn't be bothered to care right now.

"You're the one who can't even button a pair of jeans, I'm not gonna leave you alone with something as fragile as plastic," he chuckled, and I very nearly put my fist through the tiles in frustration.

"You do this just to torture me, don't you?" I asked, furious that he had a point. He'd let me try to master the fine art of squeezing a shampoo bottle just right more than once, and it never ended well. "Towel."

"This is my favorite part," he laughed, pulling back the shower curtain, and wrapping a clean towel around me. I growled at him in response and pointed at my wet hair as I stepped onto the bath mat.

"Want me to show you mine? Might make you feel better," he said, grabbing a second towel to sop up the moisture from my hair, and I smacked him square in the chest. "Ow! Watch the newborn strength, would you?"

It was things like this that really did me in, tilted the scale in favor of my new life. He was just...ridiculous sometimes. He was able to be stern with me when he taught me how to swing from tree branches or how to notbreak a door...and bury it in the wall when I pushed it open—but in the end it always came around to laughter and smiles, and those were the things that made made my lips curl upwards and the pressure on my chest lessen.

I examined him in the mirror while he ran a comb through my hair, pulling out the many knots and tangles with a slight smile on his face. Jasper was perfect in a severely flawed way that I had never encountered before. I sometimes thought that he, too, was constructed of nothing but glue and broken pieces. He knew of the things that had shattered me, but I had no idea what had happened to destroy the man standing behind me, or how he'd ever managed to pick himself up and continue on, and I was bothered by that more than I should have been.

In my more rational moments I was able to see that it was his story to tell, and I knew he would tell me when he was ready. My more impatient side wanted to know now, and it was becoming increasingly difficult for me to repress that side of my nature.

"What are you thinking about so hard?" he murmured as the comb made a pass through a particularly large tangle at my neck. The words were familiar and comforting; the phrasing reminiscent of easier times back in Forks, and I found that I liked these small things he did to remind me that not everything had changed so drastically.

"Just thinking."

Jasper's smile faltered just the tiniest bit, and I wondered if he worried about me like I worried about him. We were both keeping secrets, though I had every intention of sharing my plans with him.

"I was wondering if you were okay," I elaborated.

His hand paused for just a second before continuing the process of untangling my hair, and if it were anyone else but me the subtle hardness to his voice would probably have gone unnoticed.

"I'm okay."

And that was the end of it, I had resolved long ago not to push him, and I knew if I relented now the mile long list of questions I had waiting for him would pour out.

I would wait, I would be patient. It was the one thing I could do for him.

* * *

"Are you happy here?" Jasper asked me from his position sprawled out on in the back yard.

I rolled onto my stomach and laid my cheek on my crossed arms, taking a moment to phrase my response. It was a difficult question, I wasn't sure I knew how to define 'happy' anymore, but I wanted to think that whatever the word meant now I was pretty close to getting there.

"I think so, most of the time," I responded, pulling my bottom lip between my teeth before giving him the same conclusion I'd come to earlier, "I mean, there's parts of me that are sad, angry, wrathful; I miss my Dad so much—but I like it here, and under these circumstances there's nowhere else I'd rather be."

Jasper nodded his head while continuing to stare up at the stars.

"I'm so sorry for taking him away from you," he sighed, closing his eyes.

"You didn't, Victoria did, and that's something she's going to pay for."

"You really want to go after her?" he asked, opening his eyes and glancing over at me curiously.

"Yes. She destroyed my life, Charlie's life, the wolves'. When she figures out where I am she'll come after me again, and this time I'm going to be ready; I'm going to be the only one who walks away."

"You can't take her in a fight, if you're so intent on her destruction then I'll do it. You shouldn't have to commit that sin," Jasper said, pushing himself up into a sitting position, staring down at me with an indecipherable look on his face. He reached out and brushed a lock of my hair out of my face, tucking it behind my ear before continuing in a solemn voice, "I'm already damned, I'll do it."

It was flattering, that he wanted to fight my battles for me, protect me from doing this horrible thing—but this was my fight. Victoria had wronged me and the people I loved, and I wanted revenge for that, no matter how unsure I was if it was the right thing to do.

"I won't let you fight my battles for me, if you want to help then teach me like you did the wolves."

Jasper lost his composure for just the briefest of moments, and I could have sworn he looked afraid before he neutralized his expression.

"Once we get you better acclimated then we'll come up with something," he promised, before a smile spread across his face. "Speaking of the wolves, Leah called me."

I flipped over and sat up so fast that if I were human I would have been dizzy.

"What? What did she say? How's Charlie?" I spat out the questions in rapid succession.

Jasper grabbed one of my hands in his, rubbing circles on my wrist with his thumb. It was something he did often, and it strangely reminded me of feeling for a pulse. The action was immensely soothing, and always managed to calm me down by some degree.

"Charlie's doing as well as can be expected. He's grieving, but she said he's thankful that he got that last month with you. Got to see you happy, got to see you stand up for yourself and grow up before he lost you."

I had thought of that last month as a tease, a beacon of hope that flickered out long before it should have, but I could almost see how it could have been a gift, too. It would have been so much more horrible if I'd still been that shell of a person when I had to leave him.

"He's spending a lot of time with her Mom, Leah thinks it's doing them both a lot of good," he continued, and more than anything that made me feel better. It was good to know that at least Charlie had someone to talk to, someone to lean on.

"What about the wolves?" I asked.

"I don't know a lot, Leah's trying to quit phasing, that's why she called me. She's managed to go a week now, and I think she wanted someone to share that with; The Pack's not being very supportive," he said, his voice lowering towards the end of his statement.

"You really like her, don't you?" I asked, "She's your friend."

"She's a lot like I used to be, full of pain and hate. She asked me to help her, and that was something I owed," he responded, managing to both evade the question and give a tentative confirmation.

"Something you owed Leah?" I asked, more than a little confused by his answer.

"No, it was just...it was something I had to do."

I was so curious, wanted to know so badly what had happened to turn him into the man sitting in front of me. I thought maybe he was getting closer to be ready to talk about it; as the days wore on he gave me more and more glimpses into his past, and I hoped that meant that I wouldn't have to rein in my questions for much longer.

"Tell me something about you, something from when you were human, or from before you came to Forks," I requested quietly.

He considered my question for a minute or so before a slow grin spread over his face. "I don't remember much, but one of my clearest memories is of the horses we had on our farm. I loved to ride them. It's not something I can do now, horses are smart; they can sense the danger that lies within us, and my gift is unpredictable when it comes to animals.

"I have this friend Peter, and about eighty years ago we were traveling together, and I swear he spent the better part of that decade searching for a horse that wasn't afraid of us—and in the end he managed to do it. He came back from a hunt one day with two beautiful stallions, spouting off some nonsense about how they were kindred spirits or some shit. We kept them for years."

A memory prickled in the back of my mind during his narrative. Peter...I'd heard his name before.

"Is he who you were talking to? During my change?" I asked, and Jasper stiffened.

"You heard that?" he asked, furrowing his brow in confusion.

"Yeah, I remember you ranting and raving in Spanish or something. I thought you must be upset because you were always muttering in Spanish when you were pissed at the wolves. What were you telling him? Something about ' _cagado'..."_

Jasper tilted his head and looked back up at the stars. "I told him I'd fucked up really bad."

"But you saved me." I didn't want him to feel guilty about it.

"It shouldn't have happened, I should have been there sooner, been smarter about the whole thing," he said morosely, and I shifted my weight to my knees, pulled my wrist from his grasp, and grabbed the sides of his face to force him to look at me.

"Look, Victoria wasn't our only problem, as soon as she was taken care of we still had the matter of the Volturi to deal with. I knew this was the only option, no matter how much I didn't want to admit it. You've always done right by me, but if you need to hear that I forgive you, I do."

Internally I wavered with uncertainty—I wasn't sure if my words accurately expressed exactly how I felt about everything that had happened, but I was positive that it was how I _wanted_ to feel about it.

"You are far too good, Bella," he said shaking his head.

Jasper reclined to lay back on the grass, pulling me down with him and tucking me under his shoulder. I laid my head on him and began plucking tiny sections of the old undershirt he was wearing.

Oddly enough if I concentrated sometimes I was able to pinch the fabric without ripping it, and the exercise had become somewhat of a compulsion ever since the day I first managed it. It was one of the only things I could do with any consistency, but then again there was no pressure to do well when it came to this task. There was no bigger picture to look at, and Jasper didn't care if I ruined his t-shirts.

"I'm only as good as you've made me," I replied, smiling when I felt the tell-tale rumbling of his laugh.

" _Parece que he creado una diosa,_ " he said, smiling slightly up at the sky.

"One of these days I'm going to have to learn Spanish," I grumbled.

"One of these days I'll teach you."


	10. Chapter 10

I was already in a bad mood when I came back from my hunt. The day had started out so promising, right from the moment the sun came up, and thanks to the absolutely insane plans Jasper came up with to help me get a hold of my monster, it had all gone to hell in a matter of minutes.

I had been doing so well; a mere ten days ago I had finally managed to master the light touch necessary to handle everyday objects, and from there it had been smooth sailing. I had been right, I'd just needed to get it perfectly right that one time and everything else was a matter of subtle adjustment to fit the situation.

That same day I'd managed to turn a doorknob, the next I'd broken the cold water tap on the kitchen faucet, but the day after I successfully turned on the hot water. After that accomplishment Jasper gave me another chance to portion out my own shampoo, and after successfully doing so I was officially able to shower alone. It was the stupidest thing to be proud of, but I couldn't help the grin that spread over my face or the laughter that erupted when Jasper complained that he couldn't believe his free shows were over.

Privacy was something I had sorely missed. It wasn't that Jasper hovered, in all truthfulness he actually gave me quite a lot of space. He let me hunt alone, and let me have the house to myself when he needed to feed. For all intents and purposes I had a bedroom, even if I hated it and had refused to go inside until four days ago when I'd finally become controlled enough to handle my own clothing. I knew I could have said something, could have complained to him about the horribly over-stimulating wallpaper that made me feel like I was going to go absolutely nuts—but he'd done so much for me, he'd designated that space to be mine even though he didn't have to, and I refused to be ungrateful about it.

It was a good trade-off, and one I didn't mind making. This morning I'd managed to dress myself without any help from Jasper, and for once it didn't really matter that every move I made that required human strength took an absurd amount of concentration. All of that frustration and anger I'd had running through me was finally paying off.

Seventeen words were all Jasper needed to completely ruin my best day as a vampire.

"When you find your prey, try to resist for as long as you can before you feed."

I had readily agreed. Now that I was finally getting somewhere it was easier to see that Jasper clearly knew what he was doing, that he'd steered me in the right direction so far, and I had no reason to believe that he wouldn't continue to do so. I was deliriously happy that he hadn't insisted he accompany me so he could observe my level of restraint. He trusted me to try, and to tell him the truth about how it went, and all these things added up to a level of optimism I didn't think I was capable of anymore.

My good mood lasted until the moment I realized that my restraint had lasted exactly one tenth of a second, and then I was furious. It was just like Jasper to push me like this and completely destroy the first great day I'd had in months. It was so very characteristic of him to ask this of me today instead of tomorrow.

Jasper was methodically pulling what little remained of the deck rail away from the flooring when I got back, throwing the slats and chunks of wood into a large pile in the back yard, and I was momentarily distracted by the sight of him. He didn't let the ease of the work be apparent in his movements; each time he ripped one of the planks away he planted his foot nearby and heaved with his whole body. If it weren't for the sun beating down and refracting off his skin he would have looked completely human, and I smiled at the mental image of Jasper sweating in the sun, working on his family's farm. It was something I'd have liked to see.

"What in the world are you doing?" I asked him as I ascended the steps.

"I have an idea for something we can do to test how well you're doing with controlling your strength. Besides, I'm going to have to fix it eventually, and it looks better this way for now, less derelict," he finished in a teasing tone.

His mood had improved drastically over the two weeks since that night out in the yard, but the guilt still lingered within him. Instead of moping, now he was throwing himself into helping me accomplish my goals, and I thought that maybe he figured it was some small way to make amends for everything that went so horribly wrong in Washington.

I'd tried so many times to tell him that none of it was his fault, but he wouldn't hear it. He'd accepted responsibility for those events, and in some bizarre way he'd made peace with it. I didn't think I'd ever understand how his mind worked, how in the world he came to the conclusions that he did.

I supposed it didn't really matter. Eventually I'd be able to make him see that he wasn't to blame, and for now he seemed to be coping well enough.

"Do I even want to know what you're going to subject me to this time? By the way, you're a fucking asshole," I spat at him, finally remembering why I was so annoyed.

"I take it our little exercise didn't go well?"

"And what gave you that idea?" I retorted, sarcasm dripping from my voice.

Jasper just shook his head from side to side twice before replying, "I can go with you next time, if you want. Or we can wait to try again. The important thing is that you know your limits now."

"My _limit_ ," I said, giving him the dirtiest look I could muster, "Is a fraction of a second."

"Well then, imagine how pleased you'll be when you manage to resist the call for one entire second," he replied easily, not bothered at all by my hostility.

"Just tell me what you're doing," I groaned. Whatever it was I knew I wasn't going to like it, so we might as well get it over with now.

"You're doing really well when you know what's coming, but if I were to, for example, toss you something..." he said, as he ripped another slat from the deck and threw it in my direction. I caught it, of course, but the act was entirely reflexive and a growl tore through my chest when the wood crumpled in my fist.

"We need to get your reflexes to work at human strength. Once we get that taken care of then we can work on teaching you to unleash it when you want to."

"I hate these ideas of yours," I muttered. Every time I thought I had a handle on something he pulled the rug out from under me, gave me some new impossible task to master.

"You need to learn these things, it will help you with other aspects of your control," he explained, getting back to his task. He worked at human speed, like always, and it was something that still looked like slow motion to me.

"I know," I said, taking a seat in one of the chairs, "It's just hard." I felt like a whiny child, but there was just no other way I could think to put it.

Jasper abandoned his task for the moment and walked over to me, bending his knees to put him at my level. His eyes had finally faded back to the their usual shade of gold, and I could feel myself starting to get lost in the swirling colors and longing for my own eyes to at long last fade to the hue I considered to be normal.

"I know it's difficult, and you really are doing great—but it's supposed to be hard. To have the level of control you do at your age is astounding, and it's going to make everything so much easier on you in the long run. I know it's hard to see the big picture right now, but believe me when I say that all of this will be worth it in the end."

I nodded my head, letting out a breath and Jasper patted my knee lightly before standing up and moving back over to what was left of the railing. It was impossible to stay angry with him.

"Can we start tomorrow?" I asked, gazing at the growing pile of wood out in the yard with dread. I would do this, I would trust that he knew how to get me through my newborn year, but I didn't think I could stand the idea of starting right now. Today had gone downhill so fast, I didn't think I could tolerate any more frustration.

"Sure," Jasper replied lightly. "What would you like to do tonight?"

"I have no idea."

There was nothing to do here except read and play chess, and I was quickly becoming bored with both. Nearly all of Jasper's books were history texts and non-fiction, and while I enjoyed some of them they really weren't my speed. We played chess a lot, but now that I was a vampire and had perfect recall he'd stopped going so easy on me. Instead he would explain all of his moves, and why they worked, and proceed to wipe the floor with me. I was getting better, but I just didn't have the same mind for the game that he did, and it was just plain depressing to lose so quickly.

"At some point we're going to have to break down and get supplies. Lusk isn't very far away, maybe sometime I'll run to town and pick up some stuff. More clothes, soap, books that you actually like," he said, throwing a wink in my direction.

I didn't like the idea of being separated from him, in all the time we'd been here he'd always been a mere run away. If he went into town there was no way I could follow, I would be completely alone, and just the thought of it scared the hell out of me.

"It won't take very long," Jasper continued, shooting a look in my direction that told me he was aware of my nervousness, but choosing not to comment on it. "Maybe a few hours each way. I could go when you're hunting, you'll barely notice I'm gone."

"Okay," I agreed with a shaky voice. "When do you want to go?"

"Maybe sometime next week, we'll figure it out."

"When will you start teaching me how to fight?" I asked, not wanting to talk about my potential solitude any longer.

I'd brought it up a couple of times since we first talked about it but Jasper seemed to have a never ending list of tasks I needed to master first. I was anxious to begin, to give myself as much time as possible to become competent in battle. The way I figured it the sooner I could rid the world of Victoria the better. She'd created newborns and brought them to Forks, damned those three people to this life I was currently suffering through and God only knew how many people they'd drained during their short time as vampires. I knew it was nothing more than rationalization, but I wanted to believe that I wasn't just doing this for myself, but for them as well.

Jasper threw the last piece of wood into the pile and pulled up a chair in front of mine, close enough that we were only separated by a few inches. "I'm still trying to think of the best way to handle that, but I'll figure out something soon."

I leaned back in my seat and crossed my arms, examining him. He'd been oddly evasive when it came to this topic, and I couldn't understand why. He'd needed no time to plan when it came to training the wolves, and as far as I could see this was far less complicated.

"What's so hard to figure out? It's a pretty simple concept, Jasper."

He leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees and rubbing the sides of his neck. It was something I'd started to recognize he did whenever he was trying to figure out exactly how to word something he didn't really want to say, and the fact that he was thinking so hard about his reply put me on edge. Surely he wouldn't deny me this.

"I don't...I don't think it's a good idea for me to teach you those types of things," he said, keeping his his head low.

"You promised," I spat out between clenched teeth. I couldn't believe this.

"I did, and I'm sorry, I just don't think I can do it. I'm trying to come up with an alternative, I'm not going to hang you out to dry."

"Fine," I muttered. I was pissed, but as long as he wasn't going to try and keep me from learning at all then I supposed I could give him the benefit of a doubt, for now. "What exactly are these alternatives you're considering?"

"I was thinking I would call Peter, his mate is a very competent fighter, she'd be a good tutor for you. You're around the same size, and she learned to fight when she was around your age so she can help you develop some skills that will outlast your newborn strength," he said, glancing up and narrowing his eyes at me slightly. He was probably trying to figure out exactly how upset I was with him and how I was taking this bit of news.

"It sounds like you've thought this through, why are you so wary if you think it's a good solution?"

"Peter and Charlotte...they don't follow the same diet that we do. Is that something you're going to be okay with?" he asked, and I rolled my eyes at the way he deflected the question, and half-answered it in the same sentence. Lately he'd been so determined to dole out information on his terms.

"And..." I prodded, because there was just no way that was all there was to it, and I was tired of letting things slide.

"We'll talk about it after I call them, okay? Let's see if they're even willing to come out here."

"I don't understand why you're being like this, you've always told me the truth before." I tried to keep the tone of my voice angry, but in the end I probably just sounded sad. I shook my head, stood up and walked to the edge of the deck while I waited for his response.

"The questions you're asking now are a little harder for me to answer. I will tell you, and soon, just give me some time to come to terms with what you'll think of me afterward."

I didn't understand what he meant, but then again he hadn't intended me to. His words teased my curiosity, making it even harder to be patient—but he promised, and if I kept telling myself that maybe I'd be able to manage.

"I'm going for a walk, okay? Make your phone calls, get your ducks in a row," I said, trying not to sound dismissive as I stepped off the edge of the flooring and landed on the grass as easy as if I'd taken a step across solid ground.

I both loved and hated walking through the woods now. The activity reminded me so strongly of afternoons spent with Jasper in Forks, times where we strolled through trees and fallen leaves, not knowing just how in over our heads we were. It was more difficult now, I had to concentrate to walk at something resembling a human pace; if I moved too quick the wildlife had no time to flee, and a simple walk in the forest would turn into a bloodbath. There was no stopping the monster once it scented the blood, heard the thudding of a heart.

Maintaining the calm required effort, and that was nearly enough to negate the peace I gained from losing myself in memories of a time a million years ago when Jasper held my hands in his and told me why I was worth it out in the middle of a forest not so different from this one.

I couldn't figure out what had Jasper so worried that he didn't want to confide in me, wouldn't tell me about his scars, his past, his friends. It all had to be connected, at least I hoped it was. The thought that these three things had three different explanations that he was afraid to give me set me on edge. I thought that maybe I understood why he didn't want to talk about his scars; whatever had happened to him must have been traumatic, and besides, Jasper was a soldier, a fighter, and I was willing to wager that no vampire that left a mark on his skin lived for long after. He couldn't be excited at the prospect of telling me something like that, but he seemed to think I wouldn't understand, that it would somehow change my opinion of him, and his lack of faith in me was just salt in the wound.

I knew Edward had told me little about him, and I wished I could remember the details, the exact few words he'd used—but early memories of Edward were few and far between. Mostly I remembered the pain of his abandonment, and the results of sending him away. I wanted something, anything that would give me better insight into Jasper and help me find some way to reassure him that there wasn't anything that could make me think differently of him, but I couldn't think of a time any of the Cullens had talked to me about him. Everything I knew about Jasper was because he'd told me himself.

I broke out of the woods near one of the abandoned cattle pastures. I'd gone further than I thought, been so distracted by my thoughts that I hadn't realized I'd walked for miles, that the sun was setting and yet another day was coming to a close.

I let out a deep breath, and stared out at the rolling landscape, trying to pinpoint just what about Jasper's silence was upsetting me so much. I'd always been curious about his scars, had wondered about Peter from the moment I heard his name for the first time even if I wasn't aware of it until Jasper told me that story out on the lawn. I could remember wondering about his past as a human, being content with letting him tell me his stories in his own time, but now I thirsted for the knowledge in an entirely different way. I wanted to understand him, all of him, and his reluctance to confide in me made me feel insecure.

I considered staying out here for a little longer, climbing one of the trees and watching the sun sink behind the horizon—but I'd been gone for hours, and Jasper was probably worried by now.

I turned around and ran, taking extra care to keep out of the woods as much as possible on my way back. We were trying to stretch out my hunts, and I had already gone this morning.

I approached the house from the front this time, my path intersecting with the long and winding driveway I would never reach the end of about half a mile from the house. I expected Jasper to be camped out in the Library, but instead found him in the exact place I'd left him; sitting on on the deck, absentmindedly running his thumb under the sleeve of his shirt over his skin, and staring at the last remnants of color washing across the sky.

"They've agreed," he said, turning his head to glance at me out of the corner of his eye. "They'll come in a few days, which means that I can't put this off any longer."

I sat in the chair facing him I'd abandoned hours ago, trying not to let on just how long I'd been waiting to hear this story of his.

"I don't understand why you've put it off at all," I said, trying to smile encouragingly at him. "You have to know I've been curious."

"Because the story of how I came to be is long, sad, and full of horror. I don't like to talk about it, and I don't want to see you react how everyone does once they hear it. I did a lot of bad things, Bella, and Peter and Charlotte were there for the worst."

"What you did back then, whatever it was, that doesn't change who you are now," I said, trying to catch his eye, but he kept his gaze locked steadfastly somewhere over my right shoulder.

"Okay," he said, letting out a deep breath and running his thumb over his scars one last time before running his hand through his hair. "Okay."

"You already know that when I was a human I was in the Army, but what I didn't tell you is that my station was the reason I was changed. I was twenty, the youngest Major in the history of the Confederate Army, even though they thought I was four years older. I had been evacuating civilians, and late one night I was riding back to Galveston when I crossed paths with a vampire named Maria. She was fighting a war, and she wanted soldiers," Jasper plunged right in, his accent apparent.

"I don't remember a lot, not from the beginning, but I do remember the burn, and I remember that I woke up in Hell. I remember the thirst, the lust...looking back on it now I know it was my gift, but back then I couldn't control it. There were others, newborns are stronger than older vampires, and it had become commonplace to use them for battle in the South. Their bloodlust, anger, and hatred all washed over me, made me wild and monstrous," he continued, and I had to swallow down the feeling of nausea that had already crept up in my gut.

"The motive behind war for vampires is very different than it is for humans. We fought for feeding territory, for the ability to drink as often and conspicuously as we desired. Maria had been ousted from Monterrey, and she and her partners were creating an army to take it back. When I was changed there were six, and we fought among ourselves constantly. There were a few mishaps," he said, gesturing to his neck in a vague manner, "but I adjusted to my strength quickly, and no matter how many more they changed after two months I was the only one left standing."

"I was strong, fast, smart. They weren't aware of my gift, not at first...neither was I. To me there was only the fight, and my rewards for doing well. I cared about nothing else," he said, casting a speculative glance in my direction. I nodded, I could guess what his 'reward' had been.

"Eventually they tired of replacing the ones I destroyed, and put me in charge of the newborns, a...promotion, if you will. It suited me, taking care of them, training them. I didn't really remember my human life, but something about being responsible for the newborns resonated within me, and I took to the job with such fervor that within six months we had an army of highly trained, exceptionally strong vampires. We took Monterrey and only lost four of them—but our success made Maria greedy, and the process started all over again."

I was absorbed in his storytelling, listening intently to each enunciated consonant and vowel as he wove a tale so much more horrific than anything I could imagine. I almost wished I was still capable of vomiting, wished I could expel this sick feeling from the pit of my stomach. I'd assumed it had been bad, known his scars hadn't just appeared out of nowhere, but nothing could have prepared me for this truth.

He continued on and on, telling me stories of battles and combat in a war that never ended. How the Volturi sometimes had to come and clean up the mess, but each time his army was left untouched. Each word he spoke painted a vivid picture painted in red and death, and though he still wouldn't look at me I could see the horror that shone in his eyes from the recollection.

Jasper paused for a moment, taking a deep breath before continuing on, "For almost two decades I was lost to my baser instincts, I would instill the desire for violence and war and it would spill back into me. It was a never ending cycle, the newborns wanted nothing but blood and carnal pleasure, and so that was all I wanted, and I always got it. No matter who we changed I was always the strongest, the best...but then our ranks were joined by a young man named Peter," he said, the corners of his lips turning up by just the slightest degree.

"He managed to survive his first year and a half, which was almost unheard of, and when it came time to cull the newborns Maria allowed him to live. Eventually he was charged with baby-sitting the soldiers, and somehow he managed to worm his way under my skin. I still don't know how he did it. We fought and worked side by side for years, Peter as my Lieutenant.

"We had a group of newborns that had outlasted their usefulness, and we were taking them out one by one to destroy them," Jasper said, his voice turning cold and clinical, and the abrupt shift sent a shudder through me. I could remember watching him destroy James, the sound of newborns being torn apart in my back yard.

"The last one to come in was a woman, she couldn't have been more than seventeen...her name was Charlotte. Peter's emotions bounced from resigned to furious and protective within seconds, and I couldn't comprehend how he could possibly care for her. He screamed at her to run, and they took off into the night. I was apathetic by that point. I didn't care so much for the fight anymore, my existence was full of nothing but pain and hate. I could have caught them, could have killed them both without much effort...but I chose to let them go.

"Maria was displeased but it made little difference. She'd become accustomed to my presence, to the services I could provide her. We continued on for another five years before Peter came back, telling stories of a life without war, without the constant struggle. He asked me to come with him and I never turned back."

If I were human the tears would have been rolling down my cheeks, I couldn't fathom how he'd found the strength to escape, to start his life over again.

"My scars, they're my punishment, my reminder of a time when I let myself be swallowed into Hell and did the Devil's bidding," he concluded, and his eyes shifted to mine.

I couldn't believe I had ever considered what I was going through to be suffering. No matter what happened to me, no matter how hard it was for me to cope, Jasper had lived through worse, and he'd had to do it all alone. There had been no one to help him when he was young and stranded in a world he couldn't make sense of, and I hadn't understood just how good I had it here, how lucky I was to have someone like Jasper to watch out for me.

"I'm so sorry all that happened to you, I just...I can't imagine how hard it must have been," I whispered, my voice hoarse as if I'd actually been crying.

"I'm not looking for your pity," he replied quietly, "but you needed to know these things, and I should have told you a long time ago."

"I'd figured some of it out already," I confessed, looking down at the wood planks of the deck. "I always assumed that whoever left those marks on your skin didn't live for long after."

"Just Peter and Maria. The rest are dead, I killed them all. Every being who went up against me lost, until Victoria; every vampire I sired I destroyed, except for you," he continued, laughing ruefully, "actually, you apply to both counts."

"I guess I'm special like that," I teased morosely, glancing up at him.

"You really are," he said thoughtfully, holding my gaze for a moment before looking back out over the yard. "Did you know it wasn't just once?"

I furrowed my eyebrows, trying to figure out just what he was referring to.

"Your birthday party was not the first time I was going to kill you."

I sucked my bottom lip between my teeth, and scooted my chair a little closer to his. "What was the first time?"

"After Edward saved you from the van. You knew the secret, or at least had enough information to figure it out."

"You're really into confessing today, aren't you?" I asked, because really, I didn't know how else to respond.

"It bothered me at the time, gnawed at my sanity, that out of every being I fully intended to kill you were the only one to survive. You got lucky and avoided my wrath, you escaped from me in Phoenix, you were saved from my bloodlust...and then when it came down to it I was still the one who changed you," he said, seemingly thinking out loud.

"Maybe you're just not as bad-ass as you thought," I teased. This conversation was getting too deep, too fast. I didn't know where it was headed, but I was sure I wasn't ready for it to go there.

"Believe me, that's a lesson I've already learned," he grumbled, pulling his bottom lip between his teeth for a moment before releasing it. I wondered if maybe he'd picked up the habit from me. "A century ago this never would have happened, but then again, a century ago you would have been dead the moment you caught my attention."

"Okay, you seriously have to stop now. I'm done with sad and introspective story time," I grouched, leaning back in my chair and letting the front two legs lift up off the deck. "I get it, you were crazed and wild and more than a little bit a monster—but that's not who you are now, and the fact that I am sitting here in front of you is proof of that."

Jasper simply nodded, remaining entirely unconvinced. I shifted my weight, and the legs of my chair came down on the deck with a thud as I leaned forward and placed my hand on his arm. I trailed my fingers along the scars that laid there, and tried to think of some way I could let him know that nothing he said to me today could ever convince me that he was anything less than a good man.

"I'm serious, you know. I can't imagine how hard it must have been for you to leave all of that behind. You shouldn't use these to push people away," I said, running my fingers over the raised crescents one more time. "They're your reminder, yes—but I think they symbolize your strength more than your weakness."

Jasper gave no indication of responding, so I decided to opt for distraction rather than changing his mind.

"Not that I'm complaining, but why are Peter and Charlotte coming so soon?"

The change in subject lessened the tension, and Jasper smiled fondly before answering, "Because they're nosey fuckers. Assholes were in Wyoming this whole time," with a chuckle.

"What are they like?"

Jasper contemplated my question for a minute before diving in, and spent the rest of the night telling me stories about our future house guests. They sounded fun, like good people, and I found myself excited for the day they would arrive.


	11. Chapter 11

"Would you stop fidgeting? You're a vampire for God's sake!" Jasper snapped, my tension obviously rubbing off on him, and I stilled my bouncing leg immediately.

I couldn't help it, I was nervous as all hell. Peter and Charlotte were set to arrive today, and even though I was excited, and had told Jasper multiple times I was perfectly okay with them being here, every second that ticked away made me more and more anxious. There were so many factors to consider. It had been just Jasper and I for so long, and over the past two days I'd become increasingly apprehensive about the changes to our dynamic that were sure to come along with our guests.

"I'm five seconds away from sending you out to hunt," Jasper threatened, placing his hand over mine to still the fingers I'd started restlessly tapping against my thigh.

"I'm sorry, I'm just nervous."

"I'm very aware of that, but you have to calm down at least a little. You're so jumpy that you're even making me nervous, and that's just ridiculous when my gift isn't a factor."

I focused all of my concentration on remaining as still as possible, and after another five minutes Jasper let out a sigh and squeezed the fingers he was still holding down to my leg.

"What are you so worried about?"

"What if they don't like me?" I asked, embarrassed beyond belief that of all the things that I could be concerned about, this was the most predominant issue.

Jasper let out a short laugh, angling his body to face me, and shook his head.

"Of course they'll like you, they've been practically salivating over the chance to meet you for months. They're real nosy bastards like that," he said with a chuckle.

"Tell me again what they're like."

Jasper had told me all about Peter and Charlotte over the past two days, there was actually little else we'd discussed. I was sure there was nothing new to be gained from asking him to tell me about them again, but I needed some sort of distraction or he really was going to have to send me out to hunt.

"Alright, you silly girl. Peter's pretty quiet, and it takes him awhile to get comfortable with new people, so you probably won't see a whole lot of him. Charlotte's a lot more outgoing, I really think you two will get along well," he said patiently, paraphrasing our earlier conversations. "I'm not sure if the idea of you two becoming friends terrifies me or not."

My mood elevated slightly at his words, I wanted very much to be friends with Charlotte. It wasn't until a few hours after he'd told me that they were actually coming that I'd fully realized just how alone I was. I'd systematically alienated every person who'd tried to befriend me since, well, forever. I'd never really had any friends before I moved to Forks, and due to my change in circumstances, and my steadfast refusal to have anything to do with the Cullens, Jasper was all I had left. The idea of having another woman around was incredibly appealing, regardless of how nervous I was.

"And they're bringing stuff with them too, right? Supplies?" I confirmed, insanely pleased that instead of Jasper running to town to pick up provisions Peter and Charlotte were going to bring them along. He'd told me of the change in plans yesterday, and it was probably the very first time in my life that I'd not only not argued about someone spending money on me, but also made a list to ensure that nothing I deemed essential was left out.

We'd finally have another game besides chess to play, have more books to read, and I was practically drooling with want for something new to do with my free time.

"Yeah, Peter rented a U-Haul, they're probably bringing all sorts of ridiculous shit with them," Jasper said, and I couldn't quite tell if he was excited about the prospect or dreading it.

"I can't fucking wait until I have something to do besides watch you annihilate me at chess," I snickered.

"I'm still gonna wipe the floor with you," he teased back.

"In your dreams."

Our playful banter was cut short by the roar of an engine coming down the drive. It was like a switch flipped inside me, all of the tension and nervousness was back full force. Jasper tightened his grip on my newly resumed tapping fingers and pulled me to my feet.

"It'll be fine, just remember that they have scars, too, and they'll probably look scary, but they're not going to hurt you, okay?"

"Okay," I nodded, completely distracted and not really paying attention to what he was saying.

Jasper lead me out the front door and we stood in wait on the front porch, my body angled slightly behind his. After a couple of minutes the truck came barreling down the driveway, screeching to a halt just inches away from the bumper of the SUV Jasper had "acquired" when we fled from Washington.

Jasper had warned me many times, told me that Peter had scars, but there was nothing that could have prepared me for the reaction I had to him the moment he swung the driver's side door open and stepped out onto the gravel.

He had less scars than Jasper did, and that was about all I noticed before an indescribable hatred laced with terror bubbled up inside me at the very sight of him. He scared the absolute shit out of me. He was obviously dangerous, and he had somehow managed to sink his teeth into Jasper.

My chest vibrated as I ripped my fingers from Jasper's and clenched both hands around his right arm and tried to pull him back, I wanted us far away from this creature. For a moment my strength won out causing Jasper to stumble—but the second he regained his balance he swung his free arm around my back and pulled my face to his chest, rubbing circles on the nape of my neck with his thumb.

"It's okay, he won't hurt us. It's okay, Bella."

The growl ripping it's way up my throat lessened at his touch, at the inherent comfort that resided in him, and now that I wasn't looking at this terrifying vampire I was able to think more clearly.

"Take a hike, baby," a soft voice sounded from a few yards away, and once the sounds of Peter's heavy footsteps retreated far enough that I couldn't hear him anymore I relaxed.

"She's three months?" the woman I knew to be Charlotte asked.

"Getting there."

"You've done well, Jasper."

"Believe me, it's all her," Jasper responded, his thumb pressing just a little bit harder into my skin.

"Bella, I'm Charlotte" she said, taking slow steps closer to us. "It's so nice to finally meet you."

She spoke so...normally, as if the situation had no further complexity than being introduced to each other by a mutual friend, and her nonchalance helped me further regain my senses.

I turned my head against the inclines of Jasper's chest to catch a glimpse of her from my periphery. Charlotte was about my size, with straight as a pin light blonde hair falling to just beneath her shoulders. Jasper was right when he'd told me she couldn't have been more than seventeen when she was changed. Her eyes were vibrant as rubies, and I thought that maybe I should be more upset by the color, but it wasn't so long ago that my eyes were that same shade instead of the yellowed orange they were now.

She was dressed in a navy blue skirt that flowed down to just above her knees, a slightly lighter hue of the color decorated her simple button down shirt. She had a bag slung over her shoulder, and the ensemble made her look just like a girl I might have gone to school with. Her stature and the knowledge that I was, at least in some way, older than her was the last reassurance I needed, and I released a hand from around Jasper's arm and turned to face her fully.

"Hi," I whispered.

Her smile was blinding, and though she had the same scars Peter did they weren't quite as scary on her. Four littered her neck, another dozen laid over her arms, but somehow knowing that she was to instruct me, to teach me how to fight and defend myself made the marks scattered over her seem more like credentials than warnings. She wasn't nearly as mauled up as Jasper or Peter, and though I knew it was probably because she'd been part of the wars for a much shorter time part of me couldn't help but think that maybe it was also because she was an adept fighter.

"Since we've got the oaf out of the way for a while what do you say you and I talk? Would that be alright?" she asked kindly, and I nodded my head.

Jasper released his arms from around me, squeezing my shoulder gently before inviting Charlotte inside and guiding me back through the front door.

"Do you want me to stay?" Jasper asked, squatting down to my level, and I shook my head. I was fairly certain that I would be okay here alone with Charlotte. She seemed nice, considerate, and I really did want us to be friends.

"Okay. If you need anything, anything at all, call Peter," he said, pressing his cell phone into my palm.

My eyes widened at his request and I quickly shoved the phone back at him before I broke it with my tightening grip.

"I...I..." I couldn't get the right words to come out of my mouth.

Jasper just smiled and turned to ask Charlotte for her phone, giving that one to me instead.

"Then call me."

"Okay," I said, feeling much better now that I wouldn't have to talk to Peter in order to get to Jasper. I didn't like the insinuation that they would be together, out there alone in the woods—but Jasper trusted him, and I was going to have to get used to that no matter how much he frightened me.

"I'll be back in two hours," Jasper said, rising to his full height and giving me a reassuring smile before walking out the back door.

"I'm sorry, about how I reacted to your husband," I said to Charlotte once he left, staring at the floor.

"My mate," she corrected," and that's perfectly alright. I know how you feel, Jasper kind of scares me, too."

My head snapped up, but the only thing I could tell from her expression was that she was probably telling the truth.

"How could you be scared of Jasper?" I asked, absolutely flabbergasted. Jasper was...he was safety, he was comfort.

"I could ask you the same thing about Peter," she smiled. "The fact of the matter is that you know Jasper in a way that I don't, and the same can be said about me and Peter. Their scars mean different things to us," she said, making a motion to indicate the space between us.

Her explanation made a scary amount of sense to me, I'd already noticed that the marks on her skin set off a different reaction in me than either Jasper or Peter's, and if I looked at it objectively I could almost see us in reversed roles.

"He won't hurt me?" I asked, just to be sure. "He won't hurt Jasper?"

Charlotte shook her head, the curved corners of her lips never faltering, "Never. Not in a million lifetimes."

"Okay," I breathed, hoping I would be able to follow through with my tentative acceptance.

"Did Jasper tell you how he met us?"

"Yeah, a couple of days ago," I said, the restless tapping of my fingers resuming against my thigh.

"Good. Do you have any questions? Anything you'd like to know?"

I took a moment to think about it. I had a lot of questions, but I wanted Jasper to be the one to answer them. "Not really."

Charlotte nodded her head, her hair falling over her shoulders as she leaned down and rifled through her bag. How have you been adjusting?"

"Jasper says I'm doing well," I answered, not really sure where she was going with this line of questioning.

"And what do you think?" she asked, tilting her head up and giving me a speculative look.

"That it feels like it's been years and minutes, everything is fresh and old...like the world is shifting around me at a different pace than my life is changing in front of my eyes."

"Yeah, it was like that for me, too," she said with a nod, pulling her bag up onto her lap.

"I'm sorry?" I was astonished that she would ever think anything that was happening to me could be compared to what had happened to her.

"Just because my circumstances were markedly different doesn't mean that some things can't be the same," she explained patiently.

"I think saying your situation was different is understated to the point of stupidity," I muttered before snapping my mouth shut. I'd become far too used to the sarcastic banter Jasper I sometimes engaged in, he was a horrible influence on me.

"You are spending way too much time with Jasper if you're already talking like that," Charlotte laughed, and I relaxed a little.

"I was just thinking the same thing."

"Okay. Now that stupid man of yours told us you were in need of some new clothes. We picked up some basics; he said you usually wear shorts, but I have some catalogs, too. I thought maybe you'd like to pick some stuff out for yourself."

I couldn't have contained my grin if I tried.

We spent the remainder of our two hours pouring over each and every catalog Charlotte brought with her. Ever so slowly she made her way closer to me, until she was sitting next to me on the couch, and it wasn't long before I could have sworn we were just two normal teenage girls pointing out what we liked and giggling at the more ridiculous outfits. We traded stories as I flipped through the pages and she wrote down item numbers and sizes, and I was amazed to find that I was completely comfortable in her presence. Charlotte was quiet mannered and vibrant, a little foul-mouthed and entirely relaxed, and I could definitely see the two of us becoming fast friends.

It was the first time I could think of that I actually enjoyed shopping, though a lot of it probably had to do with the fact that instead of pawing through racks and shoving each other into dressing rooms we were sitting easy in the living room. She had taste very similar to my own, and I was happy to find out that she was shopping for herself as well.

"I thought you said you didn't trust yourself to turn pages yet?" Jasper's voice sounded from the doorway just after I'd flipped to the next page.

Shit.

"I...er...this paper is glossy. More sturdy," I stuttered, Charlotte shaking with silent laughter next to me.

We'd had a discussion earlier about my control, and I'd almost immediately confided in and sworn Charlotte to secrecy about how I constantly lied to Jasper every time I wanted to read a book. I told him I didn't think I should be trusted to turn the pages on my own so he'd sit with me, and I felt a little bad about it, but not much. Reading with him was my absolute favorite thing to do, and I didn't want to lose it just because I'd learned how to handle paper.

"Uh-huh. Sure," Jasper laughed, flopping down on the sofa next to me and slinging his arm around my shoulders. "Do I even want to know the total?"

"Shut up and just give me your credit card," Charlotte said, rolling her eyes and holding her hand out towards him.

Jasper fished his wallet out of his pocket and handed the whole thing over, muttering in Spanish too quietly for me to separate the sounds into words.

"Peter's on his way back, should be here soon," he said, casting a wary glance in my direction.

"It's alright, I'll be okay." I was determined to overcome my initial reaction to him and at least try to be civil.

A part of my brain had been dedicated to contemplating what Charlotte had said about how Peter's scars meant something different to her, and the more I thought about it the more sense it made. I remembered that first glimpse at Jasper after I'd awoken, those few minutes I'd feared him more than anything before an entirely different set of instincts jumped into the fray and cancelled out my terror.

I didn't know Peter, had no idea who he was as a person, but Jasper trusted him, and that needed to be enough for me. I just hoped that once I was looking him in the face I would be able to remember my conviction.

Charlotte was rattling off item numbers into her cell phone, ticking off items on her list as she went, and I couldn't help but think that maybe if I'd met someone like her in school, when I was human, then maybe I wouldn't have always been so distant. Perhaps that was significant, that this woman who so instantly had me at ease and so easily understood me was someone who'd been born decades ago. Maybe I really never had a place in the natural world.

Jasper had been completely silent since handing over his wallet, choosing to sit with his arm tight against me, ghosting the tips of his fingers up and down my arm, and staring at the blank wall in front of us.

"We should paint." he said, and I turned my head to look at him, but his gaze never faltered.

"Yeah," I answered, unsure of exactly what he thought I was going to say in response. It was no secret that I detested the yellowing white that decorated the living room.

"What color do you think we should use?"

"It's your house, Jasper," I said quietly. I had no place picking the color we'd splash over the walls.

"It's your house, too. You live here, don't you?" he countered, tilting his head to the side and laying his cheek against my hairline.

My response died in my throat when I heard the tell-tale signs of Peter approaching the house and climbing the deck stairs. Charlotte headed out the back door, ending her call as she went.

"You sure you're okay?" Jasper asked, tightening his arm around me.

"Yeah."

I took a moment to center myself, to be sure I was ready to set eyes on Peter again, and by the time Charlotte walked in the door, her mate trailing slightly behind her with his head bowed I was ready.

"Bella, meet Peter," Charlotte rambled off, pretending that we'd never had that disastrous first contact on the front lawn.

I appraised him more carefully this time. He was tall, almost as tall as Jasper, with straight dark hair that spread over his forehead, curling slightly at the ends. He was dressed much the same as Charlotte—casual and unassuming. I could almost see past the mangled flesh, the evidence that he was strong and dangerous, and the fear the ran through me at the thought that he had bitten Jasper and lived to talk about it.

"Hi." I managed to choke out the word, but couldn't stop myself from turning my face into Jasper, couldn't help but envelope myself in his scent and take deep breaths to try and calm myself.

"Ma'am," a deep voice laced with a thick southern accent drawled from the doorway.

His footsteps echoed through the house as he approached us, and with effort I managed to keep myself from pressing even closer to Jasper.

Peter paused a few feet away for nearly a full minute before he took a seat on top of the coffee table, and said, "I know I'm a scary looking son of a bitch, but I swear not to hurt you. Even if you have trouble trusting that, believe that Char would have my nuts in a jar before you even had the chance to growl."

I nodded, commanding myself to acknowledge his terms. I raised my head to look him in the eye, and the vibrant red that shone from around his irises almost set me off again; the color looked different on him than on Charlotte, but if it weren't for that red I could almost mistake his gaze for Jasper's. Both of their eyes were haunted, so filled with horror and hardships, and from that one simple look into Peter's eyes I could understand why these two men were friends.

"Okay."

"Okay," Peter responded in kind. He stood swiftly, giving Charlotte's arm a gentle squeeze as he made his way towards the front door. "I'm gonna start unloading the truck."

"I'll help," Jasper said, releasing his arm around me and standing.

"Start with Bella's clothes," Charlotte yelled after them, gathering up the catalogs off the coffee table before raising her head to address me, "Which room is yours?"

"The one on the left," I said, deciding not to point out that I rarely spent any time in there.

"Well then let's see what we've got to work with," she said, pulling me to my feet and dragging me in the direction of what had been labeled as 'my bedroom'.

"Jesus," she muttered after she pushed the door open, "Bella, there's nothing here."

"Yeah, I don't have anything." She hadn't really thought the only thing I didn't have were clothes, did she?

"We'll have to send Peter into town to get you some new sheets and curtains, maybe something to put up on the walls. Do you even like this horrible wallpaper?" she asked, wrinkling her nose in distaste.

The look I gave her was answer enough, of course I didn't like the wallpaper. It was hideous and yellow and had too many fucking flower petals on it.

Jasper chose that moment to enter the bedroom, his arms full of shopping bags, and Charlotte immediately set in on him, much to my amusement. "Why didn't you tell me she barely even has a bedroom?" she snapped as he tossed the bags down on the bed. "For fuck's sake, Jasper."

"Seems there's a lot he didn't tell us," Peter said from the doorway, managing to sound both irritated and amused.

" _¡Callate la boca, Peter!"_ Jasper growled, and I narrowed my eyes at him. "It's nothing," he sighed in a softer tone once his gaze fell on me.

"Sure," I responded sarcastically, holding his gaze and arching an eyebrow until it became apparent that whatever Peter was talking about was something that would not be shared with me. "Fine."

I turned my back on him to join Charlotte at the foot of the bed, where she was rifling through the bags and making neat little piles of clothing. Jasper was entitled to his privacy, but if he was going to hide things from me he could at least be a little more discreet. After a minute he left the room again, and resumed unpacking the truck with Peter.

"So I was thinking we'd take a few days to get settled in and get to know each other, and then maybe next week we could start our work," Charlotte said happily, completely ignoring the elephant in the room. "We'll start with the basics, evading and blocking, before we move on to attacks. Sound good?"

"Sure," I said, picking up a pile of plain cotton t-shirts and turning to place them in the empty dresser. I'd been living out of suitcases and duffel bags for far too long.

"And don't worry about them, they're men, and therefore complete idiots most of the time," Charlotte advised as she folded the now empty paper bag and tossed it near the door.

"He's so bad at keeping secrets, I feel like if he's going to keep things to himself he should at least not make it so obvious."

"You seem to bring that out in him, I've never seen him so flustered. It's quite funny," Charlotte said with a barely repressed giggle.

"He wasn't like this before, or maybe I'm only just now seeing it," I mused, unsure which was closer to the truth.

"I think maybe he's just worried about overwhelming you," Charlotte said thoughtfully, pulling a stack of shorts and jeans from the bag she was working through. "Give it some time, I have faith that it will all work out in the end."

"Thanks, Charlotte."

"No problem, sweetie," she replied, that same smile still set on her face.


	12. Chapter 12

Within hours of Peter and Charlotte's arrival it became clear that boredom was going to be a thing of the past. The sheer quantity of _stuff_ pulled from the back of the U-Haul was enough to convince me that if nothing else, we'd be unpacking for days.

Charlotte put the boys in charge of extracting everything from the depths of the truck, while we worked to unload the boxes and make lists of anything else that we needed. The idea that we would have to obtain anything else was mind-boggling, but she pointed out that my bedroom needed to be redone, and a trip would have to made to town to pick up all the clothes we ordered anyway.

I wanted to argue over all the effort she was putting into making my bedroom hospitable, but I appreciated the gesture too much. I'd wanted space that actually felt like mine for so long, possessions that were actually my own rather than allocated to me, and no matter how much I hated people making a fuss over me the need outweighed the discomfort.

I had been wary about discussing the decorating with Charlotte, I remembered how insistent Alice had always been in regards to such things, and I didn't want my own opinion to be shoved to the side in favor of what someone else deemed was best—but my worries proved to be unfounded. Charlotte was absolutely nothing like Alice. Instead of presenting multiple options already deemed appropriate she waited for me to tell her what I wanted, then helped me to build on what I'd come up with. She made suggestions, she offered opinions, but she never pushed, and she never tried to overrule me.

I wanted neutral, I wanted calm, and Charlotte never made any effort to sway me from the simple scheme I already had pictured in my head. We chose colors and conferred over fabrics while unpacking her and Peter's possessions into one of the second floor bedrooms, and by the time we were finished we already had everything picked out not only for my room, but also for her and Peter's.

By the time we descended the stairs we were met with the sight of the living room absolutely drowning in cardboard boxes. A lot of them looked to be full of books, but there was also one labeled 'Games', and two stacked by the far wall that looked to contain movies to go along with the brand new flat-screen television Peter was busy installing.

Time flew by, the actual passage disguised by unpacking and organizing, making plans for what to redecorate and when. Breaks came when the need to hunt arose, and then we'd be right back in the thick of what was turning out to be quite comforting chaos.

There were additional runs made to town, mainly to pick up Charlotte's never ending orders from the P.O. Box she'd thought to set up ahead of time. She chose overnight delivery for everything, of course, and within days I had a closet full of clothes I'd picked out for myself, a warm brown comforter for the bed I'd only laid on once, and even matching curtains to hang over the windows. I had a bedroom, and I never thought that would be something I'd have to get used to again.

Peter stripped the horrible flowery wallpaper off the walls, and the next task was painting. Jasper still insisted I choose a new color for the living room, and in the end I picked a simple beige for both. It was boring—but it wasn't white, it would match, and there were no flower petals to count.

It was during Charlotte and Peter's run to town to pick up the gallons of paint that Jasper and I chose to start unpacking the boxes of books in his library. I was surprised that most of the volumes seemed to be to my taste, but it was when I pulled a familiar hardcover book from the third box I worked on that I realized just how much I'd lost with the venom.

_Wuthering Heights._

When I was human I'd had nearly every passage memorized. I could remember the plot, the basic theme of it—but the specifics were lost in the haze that shrouded all my human memories. I wondered if it would elicit the same responses in me now as it had then, I hadn't read it since before Edward left and I was unquestionably a different person now. I was a little sad that I couldn't remember the specific words that had instilled such magic in me, not knowing if I'd ever be able to recapture it.

"Feeling nostalgic?" Jasper asked, coming to stand a few inches behind me.

"Sort of, I just...I never realize how much there is that I don't actually remember until something like this happens."

He propped his chin on my shoulder and looked at what I was holding, "Oh. That was your favorite book, right?"

"Yeah. I'd...I'd forgotten about it," I said, hating how shaky my voice sounded. "I mean, I knew it existed, that I was thrilled and enchanted by it—but standing here, holding it in my hands...I don't remember why."

"That's not so bad, you know, you get to discover it all over again. No matter what you'll always remember how it made you feel before, what it meant to you. Sometimes the why doesn't matter so much."

They were words I took to heart, a new philosophy to live my new life by. That old me, that young and naïve girl named Bella had died in a forest in Forks, Washington. The girl Jacob had picked up the pieces of and Jasper soldered together had been buried by her Father back home. I wasn't either of them anymore, but I was lucky enough to remember what made them me at one time or another, and really, that was something to be thankful for.

I worked harder on my control over the next couple of days, no longer focusing on how long it would take before I reverted back to who I had been and how I had felt before my world had been turned upside-down. There were more important goals to accomplish, and I had to have faith that when this was all over, when I had full and total control over myself again those little things that made me me would still be there.

Evenings were still spent laying out in the lawn with Jasper, though now Peter and Charlotte were present as well, or reading with Jasper in the library. I continued to tell him I was too unsure of myself to handle the fragile pages of the books, and he continued to humor me. I wondered just how much longer I was going to be able to get away with it, and meticulously avoided contact with anything resembling paper to strengthen my case and prolong the blissfully calm hours we spent reading together.

Jasper had been right when he said Peter would probably keep his distance, though I was sure that my behavior had more to do with it than anything else. I didn't like him, and I couldn't seem to keep that from becoming apparent in our brief interactions. Something about him set me on edge, made me uncomfortable and scared. Usually it was okay as long as Charlotte and Jasper were both with us, but if there was only one of them present instincts that demanded I hate him would surface and get the better of me.

He hadn't done anything to deserve my dislike, not really. He wasn't particularly nice, but he wasn't mean to me either. Mostly he was just there, somewhere in the background, watching, examining, and making the hairs rise on the back of my neck. He made me uncomfortable, and whenever he was nearby a part of my brain was exclusively devoted to tracking his movements and observing his demeanor.

The way he interacted with Charlotte was equally unsettling. He was a completely different person around her, sweet and caring but still managing to hold onto the rough exterior that seemed to define him. They were so at ease with each other, and it was a side to a mated couple I'd never seen before. They weren't obnoxiously sexual like Emmett and Rosalie had been, nor intensely private like Carlisle and Esme. They just were, and the more I thought about it the more I realized that they actually reminded me of the way Jasper and I interacted.

I wondered if it was because we'd known each other so well before my change, or maybe because Peter and Charlotte's relationship just worked on a more friendly level than the others. It could have been the simple fact that in the wars they were allies, they worked and fought together, and that forged a different kind of connection. It was the only thing I could see that we had in common; before that fateful Sunday Jasper and I had been fighting a battle, too.

The box of board games sat steadily in the corner of the living room, and despite multiple attempts to have 'game night' that never ended well Charlotte was determined to try again. Tonight's method of frustration was Risk, and while I secretly thought that it was probably a bad idea to pit Jasper against anybody in a game that focused on world domination, I took my customary seat between the coffee table and couch with as much gusto as I could manage.

I stayed silent for the most part, I wasn't nearly as invested in the outcome as my three opponents—but my casual calm was quickly turned into amusement when I realized just how seriously they were all taking this. I could practically see the gears turning in their heads as they plotted out their courses, trying to divine the most effective way to gain territory.

I was the first one out, followed by Charlotte. It was the first time I didn't care about losing, but Charlotte was looking particularly murderous over her defeat, and I worried that this game would meet the same fate as the Monopoly board she'd snapped in half two days ago when Jasper refused to make any trades with her. I'd made fun of her endlessly, until she reminded me that a mere twenty-four hours earlier I'd ground all the Boggle dice into dust between my fingers because they wouldn't spell enough words for me.

It looked to be Peter's turn to flip, he was steadily losing ground and getting angrier by the minute. Jasper subtly egged him on, the perfect picture of calm and calculation, and when Peter finally lost his hold over South America he stood with a flourish and proclaimed the entire exercise to be 'bullshit' before grabbing the board, and walking right out the back door. I was ridiculously pleased that I wasn't the only one who had problems with my temper, and couldn't contain the giggle that erupted out of me.

"I win," Jasper smirked, and I just shook my head at him. He did this every single time.

"You didn't _actually_ win," I pointed as Charlotte vehemently nodded her agreement.

"Peter forfeited, therefore I win," Jasper insisted right as Peter stalked back in the house, the Risk board suspiciously missing.

The expression on his face was smug, full of defiance, and I thought that maybe if I could figure out how to quell the nerves and wariness that welled up inside me at the sight of him we could probably get along pretty well. I wanted to give him a chance, but there was some part of me that demanded I keep my distance from him, and I wasn't sure which side I should listen to.

"I can't believe the two of you," Charlotte muttered, scooting closer to me before whispering in my ear, "let's get out of here before they lay into each other."

I nodded my assent and stood, anxious to get far away if Charlotte's prediction was going to turn out to be anywhere near accurate. I had enough trouble simply being in Peter's presence, I didn't want to know what would happen if he started fighting with Jasper.

It had been easy to fall into a friendship with Charlotte, and having her in my life made me feel more stable. I hadn't realized just how nice it would be to have another woman around until she got here. Now I couldn't quite figure out how I hadn't gone absolutely insane during my first three months. If I'd had anyone but Jasper as a companion I surely would have.

We strolled leisurely through the property, scouting out possible locations for us to practice while Charlotte asked me endless questions about what my life had been like, what school had been like. Her questions sounded a little sad, wistful even, but when I asked her about it she simply told me that she had no regrets. She was happy with the way her life had turned out in the end, she loved Peter, and nothing in the world would ever be worth losing that.

I'd never actually conversed with a vampire who didn't have a deep seated sense of regret and resentment towards their life, and it was a refreshingly new point of view. Edward had always acted like being turned was the worst thing to happen to him. He hated who and what he was, and had not been shy about verbalizing that to me. I never really understood what that really meant at the time, but I'd been blinded by the raw intensity of first love. Now I thought that Edward would probably never be happy, never be in a good place again until he learned to accept and embrace what had happened to him all those decades ago back in Chicago.

Jasper was a little different, he had a lot of regrets, but truthfully they were legitimate. He'd done a lot of bad things, but he'd also moved past them, and as far as I could tell had picked up the pieces as best he could and moved on—but he never actually said that he was happy. Never gave any clear indication that he didn't rue and lament all the twists and turns that had brought him to where he was.

"I think here will work pretty well," Charlotte said as we came upon one of the abandoned cattle fields further out from the house. "When do you want to start?"

"Anytime," I replied, and Charlotte correctly read that by 'anytime' I'd really meant 'right now'.

We went slow, just like we'd planned. That first night she moved at human speed, allowing me more than enough time to dissect her movements and dodge her blows. Gradually we upped the speed, and just one week after we began we were both running full throttle.

She realized quickly that I'd retained more information from watching Jasper train the wolves than either of us expected. The evasive moves seemed to already exist in my muscle memory, his orders and instruction called out in my head as we went along; use my speed, don't drop my shoulder. I was progressing quickly, and Charlotte was impressed.

It was amazing, exhilarating, this feeling of letting the power flow from my limbs; allowing my natural speed to come out. I'd spent nearly every second since I awoke trying to contain my strength, trying to hold it all in—and now that I could let it out, now that I could actually use it everything seemed to fall into order.

I could do this all day, I'd never get tired, but for some reason that didn't bother me as much as it normally did. I was learning my boundaries, finding out what exactly normal meant now that I wasn't normal, and it wasn't really what I thought it would be. I had been so off-balance this entire time and never recognized why until I got the chance to stop trying to rein in the monster and myself all at once. Training with Charlotte, it was an exercise in letting my new energy flow while still keeping the vampire in shackles, and though it was hard it was also immensely helpful. Now I had release.

We stilled at the sound of rustling grass, and I turned my head to see Peter and Jasper approaching. The look on Jasper's face was unfamiliar to me, a mixture of anger and resignation, and I found myself ghosting my eyes over the planes of his features, memorizing this exact expression in case I was ever met with it again.

"Come on, Bella," Charlotte urged me, and we picked back up again while I did my best to ignore our audience.

Our movements paused at the sound of a low growl coming from the boys' direction, and I glanced over to see Jasper's expression had intensified. My distraction allowed Charlotte to land a light hit against my arm that I should have been able to block, and at once Jasper's face darkened further.

"Jasper," Peter said lowly, "it's alright, they're just sparring."

His words had no effect, and the moment Jasper moved to take a step forward Peter seized him by the arm and forcibly dragged him back into the woods, loud snarls and growls trailing behind them.

Charlotte's hand wrapped tight around my wrist, and I realized I'd subconsciously taken a few steps away from her, my own growls building up in my chest. It took a moment to center myself again, but it was easier this time. I still had the urge to give chase, to release Jasper from the grip Peter had on him and do some damage of my own, but I found I could overrule the desire. I could think my way around it and convince myself that Jasper would be okay.

I cast a curious glance in Charlotte's direction, but she simply shrugged her shoulder before continuing on like nothing had happened. I tried to keep my head in the right place but my thoughts were taking too high of a precedence over my actions, and it wasn't long before we ended our session for the night.

I didn't understand what Jasper's reaction had meant, what had driven him to behave that way. The only explanation I could come up with was that he'd spent so long trying to protect me, and it must be hard for him to get used to the idea that he couldn't step in anymore; that I had to learn to defend myself instead of relying on him to do it for me.

It was the first and last night Jasper made an appearance; Peter was unceremoniously given the boot and banned the next day after his presence proved to be too distracting for me to concentrate.

As we kept at it the emotional see-saw I'd been riding since that first day started to settle, and I couldn't believe how much easier everything seemed to be. The concentration it took to handle everyday objects waned, that pent up anger and frustration that seemed to always be there dissipated, and so many of the struggles that had been plaguing me quickly became non-issues. I needed to hunt less, and was neater, more humane when I did give into the beast. I felt pieces of the jigsaw puzzle fall into place, could find fragments of the old me amongst the mess. I was slowly but surely coming back to myself, and that more than anything bolstered me to march on.

I understood myself more, could identify the various aspects that now made up me floating around inside my head. I was finally catching up to that elusive thing called progress in a tangible way, and the light at the end of the tunnel that was my newborn year didn't seem quite so dim anymore. The sun still rose and set, but I began counting the days by it's movements across the sky again, instead of by the items I was able to check off the list of things that needed to happen before I could end Victoria and start living my life again. Progress would be made, regardless of whether or not it kept my time.

Today wasn't the day Charlotte stopped going easy on me, today was day eight of my training.

The woman was amazing, her speed, her grace; if I could become half the fighter she was I would be more than set to take on Victoria. I'd never understood how Jasper could have been so confident back in Forks, but it was easy to see now. Victoria really would never have had a chance against him, had the fight been anywhere close to fair.

We worked through the night, under the light of the full moon. Our strikes casting long shadows beneath us, our mere presence here in this field causing an unnatural silence to fall over everything.

I'd thought weeks ago that I could start to be happy here, if only I knew what happy was. I thought maybe I understood it now, how that word 'happy' translated into my new life. Happy was having a friend like Charlotte, a rock like Jasper. Happy was reading in the Library and giggling under the moonlight high in the treetops.

Happy was finally having the feeling I was where I belonged, at long last accepting what my life had become.

In the end Charlotte kicked my ass, she always did—but I got my fair share of licks in. She went hunting with me, but kept her distance while I snapped the neck and ripped out the throat, and when I was finished we scaled the tall trees and watched the sun rise.

"Do you ever wonder if sometimes you only say you forgive someone because they need you to?" I asked her, running my fingers through the ends of my hair to remove the tangles.

"I tell Peter I forgive him all the time, doesn't mean I actually do, but he knows what I mean. Sometimes 'I forgive you' really means 'One day I might forgive you.'"

"I lied to Jasper. I didn't really realize it at the time, but now...I'm thinking more clearly now, and I don't think I meant it," I said, knowing that really, I hadn't.

"When?" she asked curiously, glancing sideways at me.

"One night out in the backyard. He told me he was sorry that things got so bad that he had to change me, and I told him I forgave him—and I guess I did in way, I forgave him for making the mistakes he made, but I don't think I was really okay with the end result until recently." I tried to keep my tone light, as if what I was telling her wasn't something that bothered me immensely.

"Are you going to tell him?" she asked, staring at the light rising up over the horizon.

"I know that I should, but how do you actually put something like that into words?" I asked, feeling more than a little desperate for an answer. "It's not like I can just walk up to him and say, 'Hey, I blamed you every time things were hard for me for months, even hated you a little bit—but now I'm okay with it, for real this time.'"

"You know, you're probably the only person who could get away with it with him. You're not upset about it anymore, right? So what's the harm in the lie? Maybe you should let him keep it."

"Yeah," I murmured, wondering if maybe Charlotte was right.

Telling him the truth now would only make him feel bad, make him think that all that time I resented and hated him, and that wasn't exactly true. I was good now, had embraced this new life of mine, and telling him that I hadn't meant those words that had given him some semblance of peace would probably be nothing but cruel.

"Maybe you could just tell him you're doing better. Let him know things have improved, he does worry about you a lot," she suggested with a casual shrug.

"I know." Charlotte hadn't been the only one to notice Jasper's lingering looks and glances, they were pretty obvious. Jasper seemed to have lost all traces of subtlety over the past week, and while I secretly thought it was hilarious to watch him try to be covert, I also wrestled with finding a way to let him know I was doing alright now without calling him out on it.

Maybe that was all I needed to do, just tell him, 'I'm okay.' They were two words I'd never managed to string together for Charlie before I'd run out of time, and that was a mistake I didn't want to make again.

Charlotte kept quiet on our way back to the house, she always seemed to know when I needed time to think on my own instead of a swift kick in the ass, and it was a trait I rather enjoyed.

I was free to lose myself in my thoughts, to continue mulling over the predicament I found myself in. Charlotte was right, I couldn't just come out and tell Jasper that I hadn't been able to fully comprehend the resentment that had flowed through me until recently, and maybe that was okay. The more I thought about it the more I considered the possibility that Jasper had actually known that I'd been conflicted. He'd proven time and again that he didn't actually need his gift to figure out what I was feeling, and the way he'd thrown himself into helping me adjust leant credence to the theory.

Before I knew it my feet had carried me back to the house, and I walked in the back door with Charlotte to find Jasper and Peter sitting on the couch, their postures rigid and thumbs blazing over their respective Playstation controllers.

"Take _that_ you emo bitch!" Peter crowed as his car crossed the finish line and 'winner' flashed across his side of the screen, before reaching over to shove Jasper.

I growled, I couldn't help it.

Two sets of eyes swiveled in my direction, and I could assume a third pair belonging to Charlotte were locked on me as well judging from the barely repressed laughter coming from her direction. I had spent hours trying to figure out why she thought it was so funny that I was so hostile toward her mate, and right now I was inclined to completely give up trying to find an explanation.

"I destroyed him," Peter proclaimed proudly in Charlotte's direction, heading toward the back door but giving me a wide berth. "Let's go celebrate."

"Wanna play?" Jasper asked me, keeping a wary eye on Peter as he passed me.

"I don't know how."

"It's easy, I'll show you," he prodded, and I gave in simply because it was obvious he wanted to play again.

"You just want to win."

"And your point is..." Jasper asked, arching one of his eyebrows at me.

I laughed and made my way over to the couch, shaking my head as I replied, "That you are horribly competitive."

I took a seat, and watched Jasper instead of the television or the controller as he explained and demonstrated how to steer the car. He'd always seemed relatively happy in the time we'd been here, but there was a marked difference now. Having his friends here seemed to be doing him a lot of good, and I felt terrible that I'd been been treating Peter so poorly.

"Can I talk to you about something?" I asked when he handed me Peter's abandoned controller.

"Of course," he answered easily, setting his own down on the coffee table.

I followed suit and scooted back far enough on the couch to cross my legs, trying to decide how to open this topic of conversation.

"Charlotte told me you scare her a little," I started, leaning my head against the back of the couch and closing my eyes for a couple of seconds before letting them drift open again. "I don't get it, but then again, I don't understand why I seem to dislike Peter so much."

Jasper reached his arm over my shoulders and pulled my head closer to lay against him and responded, "It's not really Charlotte that's afraid of me, it's...I guess the best way to explain it would be that the vampire side of her is. I've proven more than once that I can best Peter in a fight, and there's a part of Charlotte that's uncomfortable with that."

"Why?" I asked, choosing to omit the fact that I felt very much the same way for the moment.

"Because that part of her sees me as a threat to him, and she's not always able to completely overrule that instinct." He kept his voice calm and non-judgmental, presumably so I'd know that it was something that didn't really bother him.

"Is that why every time I see Peter I want to either run away or rip his head off?"

"I guess that depends, do you actually feel threatened by him or by the idea of him?" he questioned, keeping the same light tone from before.

"Mostly I really wish that you'd never told me that he's bitten you before. I know how strong you are, and I guess I just don't like knowing that he's managed to get the upper hand with you. I can't trust him knowing that," I said, trying to work out if it was the right way to explain everything, but knowing that even if it wasn't Jasper would understand what I meant all the same.

"So what you're saying is that really, you're worried about me?" Jasper teased, laughing lightly with his words.

"I know it's stupid, but I can't help it."

"It's not stupid. It's actually a pretty subdued response. If I were to encounter someone who'd hurt you I'd rip them to pieces without a second thought," he remarked casually, and I straightened my posture and turned my head toward him in confusion.

"Why?" I felt like a broken record, but I thought that maybe his reasons would shed light on why I felt the way I did.

Jasper shrugged his shoulders, his eyes shifting to the glowing television set over fresh paint. "Because I care about you, I won't just let someone get away with doing you harm."

"If that's how you feel then why are you so content to let me take care of Victoria myself?" I asked, unable to figure out his logic.

"Because you want her for yourself. Make no mistake, I am in no way content to let you do this thing, for many reasons, but I'm not going to try to stop you," he said, his voice softening as he continued, "If you didn't want to kill her I still would. Either way that bitch would die for what she tried to do to you."

"What exactly are these reasons of yours?" Jasper hadn't been so forthcoming with information in a long time, and now that he was sharing I was inclined to get everything out of him that I could.

Jasper pressed his lips together for a moment before rubbing the side of his neck lightly, and I allowed myself a small smile for the gesture, because it meant he was going to give me an answer.

"I don't want you to get hurt, that's the biggest reason. If something were to happen to you..." he trailed off before angling his body toward mine on the couch and crossing one of his legs over the couch cushions.

"Look, I care about you, isn't that enough explanation?" His voice was frazzled and almost comically tense, and the ghost of a smile across my lips manifested into a grin.

"You're funny when you're nervous," I teased, picking up both the controllers off the coffee table and handing him his. He obviously needed a break from this conversation.

"I am not nervous," Jasper muttered, loading up the game, "or funny."

"Oh you are, funny, nervous, and absolutely adorable." I reached over and pinched his cheek lightly for good measure, and he swatted my hand away with a chuckle.

We were on the third lap when Jasper quietly said, "At first I didn't want you to do it because I felt like it was my job. I'd promised to protect you, and I screwed it up. I wanted to make that up to you, even though I know I can't ever really atone for what happened."

I opened my mouth to, once again, correct his insane notion that somehow all of this was his fault, but he kept talking.

"I realized pretty quickly that it was something you felt like you had to do. I know it had to have been hard on you before; you weren't able to defend yourself, you had to hide behind vampires and werewolves to stay safe, and one of the first things I learned about you was that it went against your nature to let others fight for you.

"So I got over it, I had to. Now...now I just wish you didn't have to do it. Taking a life is something that changes you, and you can't ever come back from it. I don't want that for you, and I don't want you to have to live with that weight on your shoulders."

I wanted to ask him why he'd been so hesitant at first, why he'd refused to teach me himself, but I thought I probably already knew the answer. He hadn't wanted this to go like it had in the past, he didn't want to add me to the list of newborns he'd readied for battle.

"I don't blame you," I said, pausing the game and glancing at him out of the corner of my eye.

"You probably should."

"How many more times am I going to have to tell you that it wasn't your fault before you believe it?"

Jasper reached over and pressed the pause button on my controller, resuming the race. "At least ten. Maybe twenty. I'm really not sure."

"You know if it had been anyone else it would have been much worse. Nobody else would have thought to ask The Pack for help, they wouldn't have taken the time to make sure I would cooperate, and they wouldn't have been so diligent about making sure I was protected. You did good, Jasper, and it's not your fault that it didn't work out."

"Nine more to go," Jasper said after a beat, and I smiled a little, because I knew that it was his way of telling me that he was finally starting to believe it, too.


	13. Chapter 13

It was the first time in two weeks that I had to hunt alone, and everything felt off. Charlotte had taken over the post of acclimating me to vampire life with gusto, and one of the first things she'd proposed we do was resume Jasper's ill fated method of getting my thirst under control. It was a little easier to resist with Charlotte there, and I'd gotten comfortable in the routine of her talking me through my bloodlust, helping me to stave off the monster. Today I felt lonely when I stalked through the forest, and my attempt to control my monster was half-hearted at best.

I had almost asked Jasper to come with me, but in the end had decided to go it alone. We hadn't hunted together since my first month, and then it had only been out of necessity. I hadn't been able to keep a grip on my sanity back then, he'd been the only thing that could keep me together, and I'd needed him constantly. Hunting had been the first thing I'd managed to do alone, and asking him to come along would have felt like a set back of massive proportions.

I found myself mildly jealous of how long Peter and Charlotte could go before the burn became too much for them, I still had to hunt every couple of days, and I was doing terribly at controlling my thirst. With Charlotte's help I could now resist for a few minutes, so long as she continuously distracted me with the sound of her voice, but the longer I resisted the more savage my beast was when it inevitably won the battle. It was the type of accomplishment that was negated by the end result, because when all was said and done I didn't care so much if I managed to subdue my bloodlust for a few measly minutes, but it tore at my conscience every time I lost it and forgot to snap the poor animal's neck before beginning to feed.

I wanted control like Charlotte's. She was never bothered by the sound of blood running through veins, of a heart thudding right in front of her. She told me that with humans it was another story entirely, and that with time and practice I would get to where I wanted to be, but I still had problems reconciling all the effort expended to teach my mind to overrule my instincts when it didn't seem to be moving me forward.

I knew the difference was that she and Peter indulged, they didn't deny themselves their natural food source like Jasper and I did—but somewhere in the back of my mind I had to wonder which was truly better. Was it more humane to kill two or three people a month or slaughter four or five animals a week? I had no misconceptions about either, no matter what we were vampires and we killed to survive, but sometimes I wondered if the peace of mind I gained from sparing humans wasn't negated by the sheer quantity of other animals I drank.

I tried to imagine it, how it would feel to know that a human life ended at my hands, and the simple fact of the matter was that it was a moot point, I didn't think I could do it. I wondered what that meant in regards to my plans with Victoria; she was a person, she'd been human at one time, and here I was, jumping at the chance to end her for good.

I didn't believe Victoria was less than any of those people walking around, out there in the real world. She lived, she breathed, and I was willing to kill her because she'd wronged me. It said a lot about me, as a person, and I wasn't sure I liked it.

Jasper had offered to do this for me, to spill blood on his own hands to keep mine clean, and for a moment I considered it—but the notion passed quickly. I couldn't allow him to shoulder this. I wanted retribution for what she'd done to me, but I wouldn't allow Jasper to carry the consequences that desire would leave in it's wake. He meant far too much to me for me to allow him to be subjected to any further guilt at my hands.

It was simply the most recent in a week long line of revelations that were starting to make me realize that while I'd certainly been unhinged during my first months, I hadn't noticed that the entire world had been hanging upside-down, too. As my mind had cleared and settled I'd started taking note of things that had previously gone unseen, like the way the light would refract off of him, or the rises and falls of the muscles that roped over his arms. More than once I'd been taken off guard by the greatest urge to run my fingers through his hair, trace the corner of his lips, see if he tasted as wonderful as he smelled...

I had to mentally slap myself every time my thoughts went down that road. I absolutely could not allow myself to develop a crush on Jasper.

I was finally getting to be in what I could consider to be a good place, a stable place, and I didn't want to risk that progress for something as silly as the one-sided attraction that had started to show. The ability to take out my aggression in a healthy way had done absolute wonders for my mental health, and I couldn't completely figure out why we'd never thought of it before Peter and Charlotte had come along and we'd seen the results.

I had a theory, of course. My brain constantly ran on overdrive now, and while I was learning to manage and compile all the wisps of thoughts that flew through my brain at light speed into something cohesive there was still a part of me that was constantly observing, examining, and postulating. I imagined this was how Jasper wound up the way he was, it was so natural to want to make lists, to plot, plan, and examine.

I figured that Jasper had never dealt with a newborn like me, to my knowledge. From what he'd told me about the wars his only objective had been readying soldiers for battle, and even though he had never actually said it out loud I knew that meant that he'd never actually been concerned with the well-being of his charges in any significant way. It made him all the more impressive in my book. This had been a learning experience for him, too, and now that my head was less jumbled and my instincts were on less of a rampage I couldn't really think that he'd done anything less than an excellent job.

There was no way he could have known that there had actually been something he'd done to help all those newborns in the South. Not even Peter or Charlotte had recognized that the simple physical expulsion of frustration could be something that would help me so significantly. It was a lesson Jasper and I had learned together, and I liked knowing that I'd helped to teach him something, that I'd shown him that he hadn't done everything wrong back when he was with Maria, even if he hadn't known it then.

I could hear the tell-tale rustle of pages in the Library when I got back to the house, but I turned towards my bedroom. I needed a shower and a fresh change of clothes, and then I needed to speak to Jasper.

Our talk about the way I'd been reacting to Peter had gone well, it was a little easier for me to be around him now, though not by much. Still, progress was progress, and I figured there was plenty of time for me to get to a place where he didn't bother me anymore—but we'd never really gotten around the point of the conversation, and that was an omission I wanted to rectify.

Nerves ran through me as I stripped off my clothes and threw them in the laundry hamper. If someone had told me six months ago that I would think it odd that I actually had to do laundry I would have laughed at them—but it wasn't so long ago that clothing had been disposable. It was strange, I decided as I stepped under the spray of the shower head, that something so normal was something I had to get used to again.

I wanted very badly to assure Jasper that I was in a good place, but I didn't know how to do that without admitting to him that I really hadn't been doing so well up until recently. That little white lie I'd told him out on the lawn was just that, a little white lie. I had mostly believed it then, and Charlotte was right, I shouldn't take that away from Jasper. On that night, in that situation, I'd been as truthful as I was able, and there really wasn't anything wrong with that.

I was only now starting to understand that the important thing was that I had _wanted_ to forgive him. I had wanted to be okay with everything that had happened, and I hadn't wanted to assign him blame for any of it. I actually wouldn't have been be surprised if Jasper had known that all along. He had a distinct pattern to his behavior where he let me figure these types of things out on my own, let me think everything through without interruption or conjecture so I could come to my own conclusions. He never made me feel like I didn't have the right to what I was feeling, and I was sure a lot of my progress was due to that one small effort on his part.

This entire situation could have been so much worse. I could have been changed by a tyrannical warlord, like Jasper. I could have been turned and had to live with the Cullens, who never would have allowed me to adjust so naturally to my new environment. It was almost a little to easy to picture the way my life would have gone if that had happened. I would have been told what to do, how to think. I would have been baby-sat and watched over, indoctrinated into the family unit. I would have a place assigned to me, whether it be Edward's girlfriend, Alice's sister, or Carlisle's daughter.

Jasper had simply let me be, let me find my own place in the world, and while it was something I hadn't accomplished yet the smile that spread over my face was optimistic, because I knew that someday I would.

"Good, the longer you can make it each time the easier it will be to progress." Jasper's soft voice carried the words through the house after I turned off the water, and my smile faded as confusion overtook me.

I could hear the quiet buzzing of someone speaking through his cell phone, and though I should have given him his privacy I dressed quickly and made my way towards the Library.

I pushed the door open in time to hear Jasper respond to an unknown statement, "What exactly does that mean?"

"They're just...they're not very supportive. Most of them keep trying to make me angry so I'll phase," Leah's sad voice said from the earpiece of his phone.

It probably was a conversation I shouldn't be listening to, and I was about to leave when Jasper's eye caught mine and he motioned me over to sit next to him.

"Fuck 'em. Excluding your brother the whole lot of them are mangy dogs who'll never manage to mature past adolescence," he replied with an eye roll.

"Yeah," Leah sighed, sounding unconvinced.

"How's Charlie doing?" Jasper asked, throwing a small smile my way, and my heart felt like it would burst with gratitude. It was so nice of him to ask her about my Dad when I could sit here and listen to the answer, hear how he was doing myself.

"He's well, doing much better. He's getting kind of sweet on my Mom, but I think they're good for each other," Leah responded, sounding fond and a little amused. "I should go. Thanks, Jasper."

"Anytime," Jasper chuckled before the line went dead, then turned to address me, "What's up?"

"Nothing, I didn't know Leah still called." For some reason the knowledge that she was still in contact with Jasper bothered me a little.

"Yeah, a couple times a week. She's having some problems."

"Like what?"

"She slipped up after that first week, and is having trouble trying to match it. The wolves are all pretty upset with her for even trying, and a few are doing what they can to make it hard for her," he answered, sounding sympathetic for her plight.

"Why does she want to quit?"

"She just wants to be normal again."

That was certainly something I could identify with. I had spent months here chasing that same thing, and I understood just how difficult it was to have an animal inside you that was begging to be let loose. The difference between us now was that Leah was desperately trying to keep her beast caged, and I was just learning to let mine free. She was living my first three months here, and that was something I didn't wish on anyone.

The only people in her corner were Seth and Jasper, and for the first time I understood exactly what Jasper had meant when he told me she was strong. She'd have to be, to endure all that she must be going through on her own. I wanted to help in some way, but she was there and I was here, and she didn't like me anyway. I was decidedly less bothered by that fact today than I had been back in Forks.

"I would have invited her to come here, but that's a bad idea on so many levels," Jasper said, tucking a loose strand of hair behind his ear. "If she slipped Sam would learn our location, and though it seems unlikely at this point, we're still not sure if he considers the treaty broken. They're not telling her anything, and she hasn't been able to get any information about it when they get her to phase. Add in Peter and Charlotte...it would be a disaster."

His words tore at me, upset me on a level I couldn't comprehend. I didn't know why I disliked this notion of his so much, Leah was a good person who'd had horrible things happen to her, and she deserved any measure of support she could get—but something akin to bile rose up in me, and all I was certain of was that the last thing I wanted was for that girl to be here.

"Probably." The word sounded tense and angry falling from my lips, but Jasper made no comment on it.

After a few minutes the silence between us became strained, and I stood and made my way to my bedroom, still unable to figure out just why it bothered me that Jasper was talking to Leah. She needed someone to be there for her, and I had no right to deny her that.

It was different now, being in my room. For once I actually felt like it was mine instead of space that just so happened to be assigned to me. The bed gave off an impression of being warm and comfortable, and even though I knew I'd be disappointed I climbed on it and laid down over the covers, closing my eyes and wondering how it was that I'd taken the simple act of falling to sleep for granted for eighteen years.

If I laid perfectly still I could almost imagine dreaming, of getting sucked into the emptiness of sleep, but it wasn't the same. I could hear Jasper pacing in the other room, making short, even strides against the carpeting over and over. The sound of his feet falling was like a metronome, steady and unwavering.

Minutes ticked by over and over, and somewhere in between lamenting the loss of rest and counting Jasper's footsteps my mind turned once again to the desire to let Jasper know that I was doing alright, even if I wasn't really acting like it right now. I was okay, or at least getting very close to it, and I felt like he deserved to hear that. He'd expended so much effort to get me to this place where I wasn't on the verge of a meltdown twenty-four hours a day.

I watched the air travel over the rafters just like I had on that first day, and was struck by just how much everything had changed. I had some control over myself now, both physically and emotionally; I was able to stem the torrents of frustration and anger into something less destructive. Before I'd known I was a mess, but I hadn't realized just how incredibly volatile I'd been. It was almost laughable to think of myself flipping out over something as simple as a ripped t-shirt now, but two months ago it had been so commonplace that it was expected. I wondered if in another two months I'd look back on myself now and be unable to believe what a wreck I'd been.

The tempo of Jasper's steps shifted, and I listened intently as he opened the door of the Library and made his way to my room, pausing briefly outside the door and opening it after a short knock he didn't bother to wait for me to acknowledge.

"Hey," he said quietly, almost as if he didn't want to disturb my pseudo-slumber.

"Hi."

Jasper stood in the doorway for a few seconds before walking over and taking a seat to my right. "What are you doing in here?"

"Staring at the ceiling and wishing I could fall asleep," I answered honestly.

"You know if it weren't for your gift I could help you with that," he chuckled.

"Figures," I muttered, irritated that he would dangle that in front of me when he knew I had no control over my shield.

"Sorry."

"'S'ok."

I closed my eyes again and felt the dip of the mattress next to me as Jasper sprawled out on top of the covers. It was nice, just laying here with him. We hadn't gotten a whole lot of downtime since Peter and Charlotte came, and what little we did have was mostly spent reading. This was better, there was no undercurrent of deceit, it was honest and real. Just me and Jasper, spending time together without pretenses.

"I wanted to tell you that I'm feeling a lot better."

"I'm glad to hear it," Jasper said sincerely, the smile apparent in his voice.

"And I'm sorry Leah's having a hard time. I know you like her, that you want to help her get past all this," I bit out, impressed with myself for keeping whatever it was that was bothering me from coloring my voice.

"She'll be alright. She's a tough one, it'll take a lot more than a bunch of inconsiderate teenagers to keep her down."

"And thank you, for asking about Charlie. It means a lot to me to know he's doing well." It seemed once I started spouting out gratitude it was hard to stop.

"I never really met him, but from what you've told me and what Leah's told me about her Mom I think they'll be happy together. They sound like they fit."

"I met Sue a couple times, she's really nice." I rolled over onto my side, tucking my arm under my head as I spoke and watched Jasper do the same.

"You know you look happier, less at odds with yourself," he said, reaching over to brush a loose lock of hair away from my face, "but it's nice to hear you say it."

"It's been really hard, it's still hard, but it's getting better. I never said it, but thank you for everything you've done for me. You didn't have to, and I don't want to even imagine what all this would have been like without you here." It was the most honest thing I could tell him about how I was feeling, I would have been so lost without him.

"You woulda been alright," he said confidently, and I just shook my head fondly at the way he dismissed his role in my progress.

"I would have been forty steps beyond a disaster."

Jasper let out a short laugh, "You mean you _weren't_ forty steps beyond a disaster? I had you clocked at almost fifty."

"Jackass," I giggled, reaching my free arm out to shove him only to have him catch it. His fingers wound around my wrist, and with a sharp tug he rolled onto his back, pulling me close enough for him to wrap his other arm around my side.

"I'm really proud of you," he said into my hair as I leaned my cheek against his shoulder and pinched the fabric of his t-shirt between the tips of my fingers. It was a habit I'd never been able to shake.

I shouldn't allow myself to act like this with him, not when I was so uncertain of what I was feeling—but there was an inherent comfort that laid in Jasper, and in the end I couldn't bring myself to tear away from him. I was treading on the edge of a rocky cliff, but in this moment I didn't care. I would figure this out eventually, and then it would only be a matter of eliminating whatever variable was causing me to feel this way.

"I missed this," Jasper mumbled so quietly I wasn't sure if he meant for me to hear.

"Missed what?"

"This. You, me, no crazy-ass emotions floating around," Jasper sighed, reaching a hand up to play with the ends of my hair. "It's nice, this calm."

My thoughts flashed back to my conversation with Charlotte the day we started our training, and that same question Jasper had asked me all those weeks ago flowed off of my tongue, "Are you happy?"

"I think this might be the first time in my life I can say with certainty that I am," he answered, his voice low and husky, his breath spiraling over my hair.

In that moment I could remember with startling clarity the feeling of butterflies unleashing within me, that wonderful sensation that bordered on nausea that made my chest feel too full and my skin tingle that I'd gotten during my early days with Edward, when everything was still new and exciting. This feeling I had now, it was the same, but so much more intense, because everything with Edward had turned out to be a lie, and this felt so very real.

I had to get out of here, pull myself from his arms and clear my head before I did something monumentally stupid.

"Good," was the only word I managed to stutter out before sitting up and tucking my legs beneath me.

"And you? You're happy?" he asked, and I could tell from one look at his face that he really had known exactly what I had been going through the first time he'd asked me that question.

"Yes," I answered, and this time I was pretty sure that I meant it.

It wasn't until much later that night, when Charlotte and I were sitting on the edge of the deck watching Peter and Jasper wrestle in the back yard that I finally understood just how close I was dancing to the rocky edge of that cliff.

I hated watching them, every time Peter even got close to getting a hit in I had to physically stop myself from tearing over there to yank Jasper away from him, no matter how many times Charlotte told me they were just playing around. Her words did nothing to calm me. I'd never had to watch something like this before, not after my change. We'd been alone and safe, there had been no threats here, and while I knew somewhere in the back of my head that Peter wouldn't actually hurt Jasper their sparring left me with a bad taste in my mouth.

I didn't like it, and I really didn't like the way Charlotte would crack a half grin in my direction every time I got upset by it.

No matter how unsettled their wrestling made me there was an equally persuasive part of me that appreciated the scenery. It wasn't something that could be helped; Jasper was criminally attractive, and I would have to be blind not to notice it. There was so much contrast in my feelings, two distinct instinctual reactions that were at odds with each other, coupled with this newly realized, yet familiar flutter that almost felt like my heart skipping a beat, and I really didn't understand any of it.

The only thing I was certain of was that the feeling that had crept up inside me at the mere idea of Leah coming to stay with us was jealousy, and that meant that I was already too close to teetering over the edge and falling into the abyss.

The boys finished out their match, declaring a stalemate, as was so often the case, and I breathed a sigh of relief now that it was over.

"Library?" Jasper asked me while he gathered up his shirt and shoes, and I nodded, following him silently through the door while Peter and Charlotte made their way in the opposite direction.

I chose the book in silence, handing it over and waiting for him to settle on the floor against the couch before taking my customary seat between his legs.

Jasper set the unopened book on my lap and leaned in to whisper against my ear, "You know I'm onto you, right?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about," I insisted, my voice full of false bravado.

"I don't mind, as far as I'm concerned you can keep this up as long as you'd like. This is my favorite part of every day," he said, leaning his head into mine.

A smile crossed my face, and butterflies were again let loose in my stomach. "I really don't think I'll ever master the fine art of handling books."

"Hmm...too bad. Guess I'll just have to keep turning pages for you," he muttered before opening the book and propping his chin on my shoulder to read along with me.

I shook his head off and before I'd even thought about it I turned my face and pressed a firm kiss against his cheek. "Thank you."

Embarrassment momentarily overcame me, dissipating when his arms tightened for a minute before he relaxed and pressed a kiss of his own against my shoulder and whispered, "It's my pleasure."


	14. Chapter 14

When it came down to the wire everything was about control. Every single little thing there was in this world hinged on that wisp of restraint that floated through the air just out reach at every turn. I repressed my rage, bit back the force of my touch, and now I had to contain the desire that rippled across my muscles every time I allowed myself to sink into the comfort of Jasper's touch.

It was the most inappropriate and cliched of all crushes. Of course I would want him, he'd saved me time and again, he'd been here for me when nobody else was, and he'd taught me nearly everything I considered to be relevant in a world he'd brought me into. It could have been hero-worship, it could have simply been that once again I had found myself playing the role of the damsel in distress and somewhere along the line I'd gotten the idea in my head that that I was supposed to fall for the man who rescued me.

If I hadn't been so involved in the fantasy of it I would have hated myself.

If Charlotte hadn't been so helpful with my training I probably would have hated her, too, because there was absolutely no doubt that she was on to me.

And if Jasper didn't start wearing shirts again I was going to kill him.

He was trying to torture me, I was irrationally sure of it. After Peter and Charlotte had gotten here he'd stopped running all over the place missing items of clothing, but now he'd started back up again, and it was driving me nuts. Every time he wandered into my line of sight I'd completely lose my place in whatever I was doing and get lost in the curve of his muscles or the way his hair swept over the back of his neck. I'd twitch with the desire to run my fingers along his planes, to catalog and trace each of his scars and feather my hands through his curls. It was a miracle he hadn't caught me.

I told myself it couldn't be helped; that I was jealous of what Charlotte had with Peter, and he was here. He was handsome and beautiful, and anyone would have noticed that―but my stomach churned at the notion of Jasper being some piece of meat for me to ogle over, because he was so much more than that. He was comfort and dry land, and it was possible that what disturbed me the most was that I couldn't think of a time I'd thought of him as anything else. Now that there was this new layer, this physical attraction to accompany the fondness I already had for him I felt out of whack.

It was impossible not to notice the warmth he spread through me when we read together now. The tone of our routine had changed, the inflection of it had shifted, become more real. Jasper knew he wasn't actually needed for the task, but he sat with me every night anyway. We read together because we _enjoyed_ it, and that part of me that had thirsted for knowledge about Jasper's past now ached to know exactly what it was he got out of it.

Every time he shifted against me, every exhale he blew across my cheek, the weight of his chin resting on my shoulder; it all sent barely containable shivers running through my bones. He had me so tangled up and coiled, it was hard to think that he didn't notice at all—but if he'd noticed and said nothing that didn't bode too well for me. Still sometimes his hand would brush over mine, or his mouth would move just a little closer to my ear, and I wondered if maybe...

It wasn't as if I hadn't noticed Jasper was handsome before, I'd made the observation countless times—but now it was different somehow. My head was less foggy, and I'd started to realize just how much effort he'd put into making this transition as smooth as possible. There was an endless list of sweet little things he'd done for me; he shared his past with me, continually asked Leah how my Dad was doing, and he was always there when I needed him.

Then there were the bigger things, the ones I'd thought I understood but had found a new layer to. Charlotte was the most obvious. He'd told me he'd asked her and Peter here because he didn't think he could teach me to fight himself, and that was probably true, to some extent, but he had to have known how much having her around would help me. I could identify with her in a way that I couldn't with him, and she'd taught me a lot, much of which had little to do with combat. Charlotte had provided a perspective of the world I would never have thought to look for without her; shown me that while sometimes the journey may be rife with violence and sorrow, that doesn't mean the end can't be bright.

It was curious, the way Jasper's actions tended to had a deeper meaning obscured by the obvious. Charlotte and I liked to make fun of him, say he'd lost whatever stealth he'd obtained over the years, but I was starting to think that maybe it was a tactic he used to hide whatever it was he was really aiming for. Then again, maybe I'd just been so self-involved that I hadn't really noticed anything underneath the surface until now.

I'd been so concerned with me that I hadn't been paying much attention to him, and I wondered if that was the reason why I'd never noticed all these little things about him before. It was like something had shifted to the side, and now a previously hidden view was out in the open. I couldn't decide if I wanted to shove the obstruction back into place or mourn all the time I'd spent blind.

The more I thought about it the closer I was being pushed toward the simple fact that I actually _liked_ Jasper, that this wasn't some meaningless crush I had, and I wasn't exactly ready to admit something like that to myself. The mere thought of it terrified me.

Even so, I couldn't help but think about it sometimes. We seemed to fit so easily together in our friendship, and I wondered if that was something that would translate over to a different kind of relationship. It scared me a little that even back in Forks I had considered, and briefly fantasized over the idea of more before locking the notion far in the back of my head. It would be nice, fantastic even, there was no doubt about that—but Jasper was the best friend I'd ever had, and that was something I wasn't willing to risk losing.

I convinced myself that it didn't matter, these feelings I had, because I had time to figure them out. Now that Peter and Charlotte had joined us our focus had shifted back to Victoria, and just how we were going to get rid of her. The distraction was proving to be invaluable when it came to repressing the bolts of lust that would shoot through me nearly every time I saw Jasper.

We'd been following the most basic of plan, though I was sure that it was much more complex and drawn out in Jasper's head than had been apparent to me. Now we needed something solid, an agreed upon course of action that would result in Victoria's death and the end of my newborn year. I liked the idea of the two events coinciding. It would be symbolic, to mark the end of my transition with the one action that could completely free me from my past.

The four of us sat around the coffee table, presenting scenarios and offering suggestions. I was mostly just there for show, there wasn't a whole lot I could contribute—but I wanted to be included.

"We still have to factor in her bloodlust," Peter pointed out to Jasper from his seat across from me. "If she can't control herself we'll have to lure Victoria here somehow."

"I'd rather not do that. Without Alice's visions to guide us there's too many places to hide, too much space. Besides, the last time we tried that it didn't work out so well."

"Has Alice seen anything?" Charlotte asked, sounding hopeful.

"She's only had one vision of Victoria, of her changing a young girl in Seattle. Other than that she's flying under the radar somehow." My stomach clenched at the news.

"So she'll have newborns," Charlotte remarked, her tone grave.

"Fuckin' newborns, I thought we were finally done with this shit," Peter said, slapping his hand down on the coffee table.

"Yeah, me too." Jasper ran a hand through his hair and sighed, glancing up at the ceiling. "We need a scout. We have to know how many she has and how much of a threat they present. I'm not making the same mistakes again, this time we will know everything."

"You have someone in mind?" Peter asked, and Jasper nodded his head before casting a wary glance in my direction.

"Emmett has expressed a desire to be involved. He wants to help, and he's a good tracker."

It was clear from Jasper's expression that he expected me to be upset about this revelation, but really, I wasn't. Emmett was the only member of the family I truly held no resentment toward, and his parting words were some of the few I could remember verbatim from those last weeks in Forks.

_'I fucking hate him for making me do this.'_

If there was ever a chance for reconciliation it was with Emmett. I briefly entertained the notion of calling him—but talking to Emmett would surely open the floodgates, and I wasn't ready to deal with the influx of Cullens that would follow in his wake. A second glance in Jasper's direction made me realize that he actually looked hopeful, and that one look filled me with guilt. Jasper probably missed Emmett, missed his family a lot, and here he was deferring to me about whether or not they could be involved.

"Alright," I agreed, and Jasper blew out a breath before nodding.

"What about the Volturi?" I was curious that they hadn't been brought up yet. They had been such a daunting issue in the past, and even though I knew that logically the problem they presented should be irrelevant now that I'd been turned, I still wanted to be sure.

"Carlisle notified them, for now they seem to be appeased," Jasper replied, sharing a look with Peter that was probably meant to be covert.

"If she could learn to control her shield then we might be able to have the engagement here," Charlotte said, changing the subject and rolling her eyes in my direction while nodding at the two men who certainly thought themselves slyer than they really were, but still I wondered if it was all just misdirection.

"How would I even begin to learn something like that?" I was wary of the idea for a multitude of reasons. I didn't know if messing with my shield would result in Jasper being able to feel me again, and I had a lot of emotions I was trying to keep hidden from him.

Jasper frowned at my question and crossed his legs so he could lean forward and rest his elbows on top of the coffee table, and I forced myself to watch his face as he talked instead of staring at his arms. "For me it was pretty much an accident. I didn't realize my gift was there for a long time, and I didn't learn how to consciously control it for years."

"It could take years?" I groaned, partly pleased that it looked like it would be awhile before it was something I had to worry about, but mostly intimidated by the daunting task. Charlotte had gotten the idea in her head, and that meant that no matter what was decided today it was something we'd be working on soon.

"I think it'll probably take less time for you, but yes, it could take years."

Peter had a thoughtful look on his face, and after the silence had extended for a couple of minutes he addressed Jasper, "Maybe we should just see if there's any way you can break through it. If you can get around her gift then she'll know what it feels like, and then she could use that to learn to project."

I was starting to think that maybe Peter's sole purpose in life was to make mine difficult. The glare I sent his way conveyed that thought as best as I was able, but he only returned it full force. He was challenging me, daring me to come up with some reason that this idea wasn't a good one, and it only took a couple of minutes before I admitted defeat. He was right, and I couldn't have been more annoyed with him for it.

"Sounds like a plan," Jasper confirmed, "I'll call Emmett and let him know what's going on," he continued, standing and stretching his arms over his head needlessly.

Peter and Charlotte continued to converse in the background, while I shamelessly stared at the way Jasper's muscles worked together to create curves and bends along his back as his arms moved. I was brought out of my ogling by a hand touching my forearm just before Jasper turned to look down at me, and sent a grateful look Charlotte's way before shifting to sit on the couch.

"Is there anything you'd like me to tell him?" Jasper asked, and I felt positively awful. It was obvious Jasper wanted to mend some bridges, and to be honest I wanted this particular one back, too.

"Is he going to be near Forks?"

"Forks, Seattle, then wherever the trail leads."

"Can you ask him to check on my Dad, make sure he's doing alright? I know Leah keeps us updated, but..."

"You want another set of eyes?" he asked knowingly, and I nodded. "I'll ask him, but I don't know if he'll be able to pull it off. He's stealthy, but he might not be able to get close enough."

"Thanks," I responded, idly wondering if I ordered Jasper a few bulky sweatshirts he'd get the hint and start covering up.

Jasper strode out the back door to make his phone calls, and my thoughts shifted to how I'd managed to be so intolerant of the Cullens that Jasper felt like he needed to leave the house to talk to them. I felt like such a jackass.

"Are you alright?" Charlotte asked from her seat on the floor to my left, sounding a little worried.

"Not really," I replied, my eyes never wavering from the open door that lead to the back yard. We'd never broken our habit of leaving most of the doors open.

"I'm gonna need a little more than that."

"I just feel like a jerk."

"Why's that?" Charlotte asked, shoving Peter under the coffee table with her foot. He nodded and stood without a word before heading up the stairs to give us the illusion of privacy.

"What if he misses them? I never considered it, but what if he wants to go home and he feels like he can't because of me?"

"Don't be ridiculous," Charlotte reprimanded. "If he wanted to be with them he would. He made the choice to come here when you fled from Forks, and he knew there would be no possibility of moving you for nearly a year. If he wanted to be with the Cullens he would have taken you there."

"That's not true, he told me he brought me here because he thought I'd be more comfortable acclimating myself away from all of that. He came here for me," I argued. The combination of emotions I felt about that were in brutal opposition with each other, because on one hand I really did feel bad for separating him from his family, but I was also pleased that he'd known me well enough to realize that a place like this was exactly what I needed. Jasper had done a lot for me, and I'd done nothing to make any of this easier on him.

"I'm not going to be able to change your mind, am I?" she asked, sounding irritated.

I finally broke my gaze away from the doorway to look at her when I answered, "I don't know. I just...I'm starting to worry that he misses his family."

" _We_ are his family," Charlotte vowed, a fiercely possessive look on her face.

I just nodded, not knowing if that made me feel any better when I'd been so self-centered that I'd only begun to consider this now. It felt like I'd spent the entire time Peter and Charlotte had been here trying to set right all the things I'd done wrong, and I wondered if I'd ever really be able to repay Jasper for everything he'd put up with from me.

It wasn't until a few hours later, long after Charlotte had retired to the woods with Peter to do God knows what, when Jasper came back to the house and took a seat next to me on the couch.

"Emmett wanted me to say 'Hi' to you for him, and he asked if he can talk to you sometime," he reported, his eyes skirting over my features, looking for any sign I wouldn't take that bit of news well. His consideration for me just made me feel all the worse, and I bowed my head and played aimlessly with the seam of the couch cushion.

"Hey, you doing alright?" Jasper asked, shifting closer and pulling my hands away from the fabric.

"I can't believe how selfish I've been," I sighed, remorse bubbling up through my body.

"How do you figure that?"

"You've got this whole family out there, and I never even thought about the fact that you might miss them. Whenever I think about them I only consider how I feel," I sighed, pulling my legs up and laying my cheek on my bent knees so I could look at him. "I'm so sorry, if you want them around it's okay, I won't cause problems anymore."

"Please don't start this self-depreciating shit again. You're not the only one who's upset with them, Bella. If I wanted to be with them I would." Jasper's tone was one of certainty, and I didn't really understand why he would feel that way, they hadn't done anything to him.

"Why would you be mad at them?" I asked, unable to completely control the confusion I was sure was written all over my face.

"The way they treated you...it's something I can't abide. If you really wanted to go back I'd go with you, but that's the only way. My time of living as a part of that family is over, and I don't regret that."

"Do you miss them?"

"A little I guess," Jasper responded with an awkward shrug. "I miss Alice, but it's better that we're apart right now, it gives us time to adjust to the changes in our relationship. Emmett and Rose were always fun to be around, but it's not like I'm never going to see them again. They're not gone from my life, there's nothing to miss."

It was confusing the way his reasoning only made sense to me in the way that it made sense to him. Jasper was drawing on life experience that I didn't have, he was comfortable with the idea of forever stretching out in front of him. I could barely wrap my mind around it.

"Why did they leave me?" I asked, unsure if it was an explanation I even wanted.

"You know I've been waiting for so long for you to finally ask me that," Jasper chuckled, but there was an undercurrent of sadness to his tone.

"How long?"

"Since the second I got you back home that night," he confessed. "Do you want the truth?"

"Yeah."

"First of all, you need to understand that Emmett didn't want to leave, either time. He fought long and hard to stay, but in the end he had to side with Rose," he started, and he must have known that this news about Emmett was something I'd really needed to hear. "She mostly just wanted to make sure you and Edward stayed apart, she thought your relationship was unhealthy, and it reminded her a lot of what her life used to be like."

"Carlisle? Esme?"

Jasper sighed and lifted his free hand to rub the side of his neck. "Carlisle thought we'd be back, that Edward wouldn't be able to stay away for long; he'd realize the error of his ways, and come back for you. You'd be changed to comply with the Volturi's demands and then everything would be perfect."

"I don't understand, I wouldn't have gone back to Edward, how could they not know that?" I asked, narrowing my eyes in an attempt to pull all the information I could from his expression.

"Carlisle viewed Edward's suicide attempt as confirmation that you were his mate. He thought you were dead and couldn't live without you; Carlisle didn't know any better, and I never thought to say anything about it until it was too late." He looked a little sad, and more than a little angry, and I was touched that he seemed so outraged on my behalf even if my own ire was quickly outshining my gratitude.

"So he completely disregarded any feelings I may have? He thought he could walk the family right out of my life and come back whenever he felt like it and I would just accept them with open arms? Fuck that," I said, getting angrier and angrier as I spoke; by the end I was little more than growling out the individual words.

Jasper smiled sadly at me, and ran his hand through my hair, tugging on the ends a little, and the gesture immediately calmed me down a little. "I think...I think maybe he thought that once you were changed you'd feel differently for Edward, that your feelings would escalate and you'd want to be with him again."

"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard." Carlisle was hundreds of years old, and I couldn't even comprehend how he could have so casually dismissed my feelings in the matter. What I had felt for Edward was just a shadow, that first glimpse into what I was capable of. Even the friendship I shared with Jasper was stronger than that, and I had to believe that if Edward had been around after I'd been changed he would have done nothing but solidify my initial decision to permanently end our relationship.

"Yeah, I thought so, too. In the end I couldn't agree with what they were doing, and it was too late to explain to Carlisle that Edward didn't feel that way about you. He was convinced, and he was content to allow Edward to call the shots because of that."

"What about Alice?" I asked, purposefully keeping my tone uncaring. "Why didn't she try to stay?"

"I have no idea, but it's very seldom that anyone knows what Alice's motives are, except for Alice. All I know is that she felt hopeful, right through the second that she walked out the door."

I nodded, trying to deduce just what Alice might have seen that would make it so easy for her to leave me. I honestly didn't think her reasons would make any difference; what it came down to was that she had been my best friend, claimed we were sisters, and she left right along with the rest of them—and even though she'd offered me a window she should have known that I'd never use it.

"Are you still mad at her?" Jasper asked, catching my eye.

"Yes, but not as angry as I am with the rest of them. I can't believe they thought I'd go back to Edward, or even that they could keep me away from him if that's what I decided I wanted. They thought that they could dictate my actions from afar...how could they think they could plan my future without even asking what I wanted?"

I was beyond furious, my outrage so intense that it was difficult for me to focus on anything else right now, and I just knew I'd end up spending hours pouring over every detail, trying to figure out exactly how angry I was at each of them.

"Carlisle was convinced Edward was mated with you, I'm not saying that makes it okay, because it doesn't—but that's what his reasoning was. He had this idea in his head for so long, of Edward finally finding someone he wanted to spend his life with and his family being complete. Now he's having trouble accepting that the circumstances have changed."

Jasper paused for a moment and pressed his lips together. There was something more to it, something he wasn't telling me—but it was another instance of him being too obvious, and I thought that maybe he wanted me to see it. It was another detail I'd have to examine later.

"He doesn't want to believe that Alice and I are done, and that you'll never go back to Edward," he continued after his brief deliberation. "I'm not going to defend their actions to you, but I think maybe you should give Emmett the benefit of a second chance."

"If I call him is everyone else going to think that means I'm ready to talk to them too?" I really did miss Emmett, and it sounded like maybe he'd been hurting in all of this right along with me.

"You know, Emmett _can_ keep a secret. He'd tell Rose, but they'd keep it to themselves if you asked them to."

"Is Rosalie going to help him with the tracking?" I asked, hoping to lighten the subject a little and give myself some time to mull over the increasingly appealing possibility of actually getting to converse with Emmett.

"Of course, if either was willing to be separated from the other Emmett would never have left Forks," he replied like it was common sense.

"Really?" I didn't want to feel so hopeful about this, but I couldn't help it. Now that the idea had been planted I was stuck wrestling with the intense desire to get my brother back. "What about Rosalie now, is she mad he's helping us?"

"I don't think so. I don't know exactly what her issue was before, but I have the feeling it had more to do with her than you. She's had a hard life, and her change was traumatic. She's never been very open to the idea of changing humans."

"She was nice to me, once. I barely remember, but it's there...this feeling of gratitude toward her," I said, trying to place the feeling with an action. Rosalie was so dim in my memories, just a fleeting glimpse of beauty and perfection standing in the background of every picture.

"I've been meaning to ask you about that, how much do you actually remember about what happened in Forks?"

"A lot, a little...mostly it's just vague. The memories are there, but sometimes I need something to happen to bring them to the surface...does that make any sense?"

Jasper nodded in the corner of my vision and stayed silent for a few minutes.

"For me it was like when I was changed I was new, born out of a void. There was nothing to remind me that I used to be human, and it stayed that way for a long time. It wasn't until one day that I saw this girl walking down an alleyway...she had this long wavy blonde hair, and she looked so familiar."

I turned my body and sat against the arm of the couch so I could watch him while he talked. Jasper had a very distinct method of story telling, and though his tales were usually horrific there was still something beautiful in the way he told them.

"It bothered me for days, and then the knowledge just came to me; she looked like my sister, and I could remember the way she'd braid her hair, or run barefoot around the yard. After that it happened more and more, I'd see something that would remind me of my family, or our house, and memories I didn't know I had would float to the surface.

"It wasn't very good for me, not then. I'd become something..." Jasper trailed off with a deep exhale and leaned back. "I was a demon, and actually _knowing_ that I was this dark and evil thing messed with my head. I was able to compartmentalize it for a time, that glimmering of humanity that still resided in me, but when Peter came along that all went out the window."

I again noticed the faint curve of his lips once Peter was brought into the reminiscence, like the mere presence of him turned a horrible memory into something fond. It had to tear at Jasper, that I wasn't able to simply get along with this man who was obviously a great friend of his, and I resolved to try harder.

"Peter was always talking about his life before he'd been changed, telling stories and making jokes about it, and that was the last straw. I couldn't deny that I'd once been a man any longer. It killed me a little to admit that to myself, but it also made me start remembering more. By the time I left Maria I was sure I could recall nearly everything, but once I got to the Cullens there was even more that came to me over the years.

"I'm not sure if it ever stops, if you ever really remember absolutely everything, but I kind of like that. Once all the big stuff is there it's nice to be gifted the details."

"I thought that I remembered a lot, at first," I offered, wanting to share some of my experience now that he'd opened up to me so much. "I tried to remember, during the burn. I ran through everything I thought was of the most importance, my parents, some of the stuff that happened with Edward, Jacob, you...

"I didn't want to lose those life altering events, the things that forced me to look at myself and grow up, and it worked, to an extent. I remember a lot of it, but at the same time there's pieces that I know are missing. Certain little actions that elicited the reactions I can recall. It's...frustrating, I guess would be the right word. It's such a tease to remember that I had this moment with Rosalie but not remember the specific event that occurred."

"She gave you Emmett's phone number," Jasper said softly, scooting closer to me and pulling my legs into his lap, "so you could call him if you wanted to."

"Well shit," I muttered. No wonder I thought she'd done something nice.

"If I tell you something do you promise not to freak out?" Jasper asked as he started to draw nonsensical patters on my jeans with his fingers. The weight of his fingers pressing the denim into my skin was nearly enough to make me completely lose my place in our conversation.

"I guess..." I answered, knowing that it wasn't a good idea to agree to his terms when I had no idea what he was going to say.

"I've kept Emmett updated on what's going on ever since he left. He understands why you didn't call him, he really does—but he also wants to know how you're doing, and he made me promise to keep him in the loop."

"Why would you think that would upset me?" I asked, laughing a little at the sheepish expression that came over his face.

"Just being cautious."

"Does anyone else ask about me?" I was a little curious about just how much the family knew now that we'd opened up the topic of conversation.

"Everyone but Edward, but he's not with them right now, and I haven't talked to him."

"What do they want to know?" I asked before I could lose my nerve, this was definitely something that fell in the 'you might not want to know' category.

"Rose and Emmett usually just ask how you're doing, and I keep them updated on your progress. Alice," Jasper laughed as he said her name, "wants to know _everything_. She drives me insane with the sheer quantity of questions she manages to come up with."

I allowed a chuckle to rumble through my chest at his explanation. Not being able to see us had to be driving Alice insane, she always did hate being kept in the dark.

Jasper's expression morphed into something more serious, and the pressure of his fingertips on my legs increased minutely. "Carlisle and Esme mainly ask when I'm going to bring you home."

"What do you tell them?" I asked after a moment. If I hadn't been sure of it before I was positive now that I would never want to go back to live with them, not after all that had happened. I couldn't live with people who thought I was a thing to be gifted to their eldest son to ensure his happiness.

"That if you were to tell me you wanted to go back I would make it happen, but it's not something I'm willing to force on you."

"You really don't want to go back to them? I feel like I'm keeping you here, making you stay distant," I said, needing him to answer the question again so I could erase the notion from my head.

Jasper chuckled softly, continuing to draw shapes on the fabric of my jeans as he replied, "I really don't want to go back, and in the interest of being pro-active I'll also tell you that I like it here, so don't even go there."

"I'm still sorry, I shouldn't have been so bratty about you talking to them." My apology was sincere, and even though he couldn't feel it I knew that he could tell all the same.

"It's alright, I knew you didn't mean it like that," he soothed, and my eyes nearly rolled up into the back of my head when he swirled his finger over my thigh. It was incredibly difficult to believe he felt nothing for me when he did something like this.

"Has it been really hard on you? Having to play interference this whole time?" I had to keep talking, keep the conversation going so I wouldn't focus too much on what he was doing and wind up obsessing over it.

"Nah, they understand, or at least they try to pretend like they do," he said, tracing a square over my left knee. I almost wanted him to stop touching me, but his casual manner of dragging his fingertips over my legs was indescribably pleasurable, and I didn't think I could have forced the request out of my mouth if I tried to.

"But that first time you called them, you said it was a difficult conversation," I pointed out, finally able to unleash my curiosity over what exactly had gotten Jasper so upset that day.

His fingers ceased their sweeping motions and began to tap out a nonsensical pattern on my shins as he bit his lip, obviously trying to come up with a way to explain.

"Carlisle was upset with me because I brought you here, and because I wouldn't tell him where 'here' was."

"Oh."

"Yeah. Like I said, you're not the only one who has issues with them."

"I still feel really bad about it."

"Well then, if you need to hear that I forgive you, I do," he said, a smile gracing his face as he repeated those words I'd said to him so long ago.

Jasper may have honestly held no resentment toward me for my behavior, but I still felt like I needed to do something, find some small way to help him like he'd helped me. I had an idea, but first I needed a little more information.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Shoot."

"You once told me that you wanted to help Leah because it was something you owed. What did you mean by that?"

Jasper's tapping fingers drummed just a little bit harder against my legs as he formulated his response. Finally he let out a long exhale and explained, "When I was in the wars I was...I don't even know how to describe it. I was just gone. There wasn't a me back then, there was only the hate, and it consumed everything as far as I could see. Peter saved me from that, and he didn't have to. He could have left and never looked back, forgotten that I even existed, but he didn't. He came back for me, and he showed me that the world didn't have to be that way.

"Leah's emotions, they were so much like mine used to be, and I knew she needed someone to do that for her. I helped her because I wanted to be her Peter."

I had known that my jealousy had been misplaced, but Jasper's explanation served to demonstrate just how ridiculous it had been.

"How is she doing now?"

"Not good, but it could be worse. She really just needs to get away, but she doesn't want to leave her brother," he answered, and if I didn't know better I could have sworn I felt his sympathy for her leak through my jeans and onto my skin.

"I think they should come here."

Jasper's eyes snapped to mine in half a second, and the look of shock on his face was almost comical.

"I-I..." he stuttered, making me smile in amusement. If I'd known it was so easy to render him speechless I would have suggested this ages ago just for the sheer hilarity of it. "I'm not sure that's the greatest idea."

"Why not? You said they smell bad, so it's not like I would want to eat them, right?"

"Well, no, but..."

"And they could tell their Mom they're going on a road trip or something, there's still a month and a half of summer vacation left for Seth, and Leah graduated this year," I barreled on. It was obvious from the look in his eyes that he'd considered this course of action many times, but from the way he was acting it seemed like he'd never been able to fully convince himself it wasn't a viable option.

"Once school starts Seth can come back on his breaks. Plus, if we're going to do battle with Victoria and a horde of newborns Seth will be able to help. Have you been able to figure out what's going on with the treaty?" I thought it probably wouldn't matter anyway, if Seth was still phasing he'd be able to keep us updated on what was going on in Washington.

"No, but it's pretty unlikely that they would want some sort of retribution at this point. It's been months, and I've been in contact with Leah for almost the whole time. I think if they were going to make a move they would have done so by now. Emmett will be able to tell us more once he's close," Jasper said, still sounding a little bewildered. "Where is this coming from? You don't like her, why do you want her to come here all of a sudden?"

"She's your friend, and you want to help her. If her being here is the best way to do that then that's what we should do. Just explain about Peter and Charlotte and let them decide for themselves—but we should give her this option. We should give her a chance to get away from everything that's making things hard on her." I bent my knees as I spoke, inching myself away from the arm of the couch and a little closer to him.

"This is crazy," Jasper muttered, shaking his head, but I could tell from the curve of his lips and the light sweeping of his thumb on my calf that he was seriously considering the option.

"Probably," I shrugged, "but who cares?"

"Up until about fifteen minutes ago I would have said you did," he responded, and I had to give him that.

"It's not something that should be up to me," I said quietly. It was never any of my business, and while I'd known that I hadn't stood by the conviction. Helping Leah was something Jasper wanted to do, and I never had any right to try and stand in the way of that.

"I'll talk to her," he conceded, "but first we should ask Peter and Charlotte what they think of all this."

"If Peter doesn't like it will you smack him around a little?" I asked, unable to contain my glee at the possibility. I'd start being more friendly toward him...tomorrow.

Jasper laughed loudly and nodded his head. "For you, I will."


	15. Chapter 15

It had been easier than I thought it would be, holding Jasper's phone in my hand and pressing the three buttons that would connect the call I should have made months ago. There had been a brief moment of panic when the first ring sounded through the earpiece, but it dissipated as soon as Emmett's voice sounded over airwaves and through the tiny device.

His voice reminded me of a home I'd thought lost to me, of a time and place where I'd been ignorant, but happy. Just his simple one word greeting in the rich baritone I'd nearly forgotten was enough to light an inferno of loss inside me.

Actual conversation had proved to be more difficult. I wasn't quite sure what to say to the man who I'd been cast into mutual abandonment with. I'd left him just as sure as he'd left me, even if I hadn't wanted to see it that way at the time, or in the past few months. Emmett may not have picked up the phone and dialed my number, but I'd never seriously considered calling him until yesterday, and I thought that indiscretion probably made us even. We'd both let our fear and uncertainty destroy the relationship we shared, but in the end it was probably my fault. I was the one who set those terms of non-communication for us, and I couldn't really be mad at him for following my wishes.

He wasn't the same as I remembered; he sounded older, more worldly, but then again I probably sounded different, too. The tone of our conversation stayed light and easy; he didn't make a big deal of my call, and I appreciated the gesture. Instead we kept ourselves in a carefully constructed bubble of denial, pretending like this wasn't the first time we'd talked in the past four months, not to mention the six before that.

Emmett talked mostly about his year at Cornell with Rosalie where they studied engineering, and it sounded like it was something that he actually enjoyed a lot. Apparently it was somewhat of a luxury to go straight to college; for the sake of blending in for as long as possible he usually had to start out in his Junior year of high school—but he confided that none of the family had ever expected to stay in Ithaca for long, and it took some effort for me to not take that knowledge the wrong way and let my anger with Carlisle taint the conversation I was sharing with Emmett.

There wasn't much to say when it came to me, Jasper had kept Emmett very much up to speed, so he knew pretty much everything that had happened since he left, but I found myself talking about it anyway. I told him about all the nights I'd spent watching the wolves train with Jasper, the time I'd sworn at Jessica in the middle of class, Jacob cooking pancakes in my kitchen wearing Rosalie's apron—and the more stories came spilling out of me, the louder he laughed at the various exploits we'd managed to get ourselves into, the more I thought that we could probably reclaim our easy rapport without too much effort.

Half my brain was stuck in fantasies of reuniting with Emmett, hell, I'd even take Rosalie with him. She'd warmed up to me, in the end, and even if we never actually became friends I had a feeling she wouldn't be hostile.

"You should come visit," I told him when it became clear that our conversation was winding to a close. "You and Rosalie, you should come see us before you go back to Ithaca."

"I think we could handle that," Emmett replied happily, and it was so very clear to me that no matter how hard I'd tried to repress and deny it, I'd missed him a lot. "We're on our way to Washington now, I'm not sure how long all of this will take. Maybe two or three weeks, but I'll talk to you before that, right?"

"You will," I replied, and a brief silence took over the line before Emmett spoke again, sounding much more like the him I remembered.

"Rose and I are sending a care package to your P.O. Box, make sure Jasper picks it up for you, yeah?"

"Do I even want to know what's in it?" I asked, trying to figure out what sort of embarrassing things he might send me.

"You'll like it," he chuckled. "I'll see ya around, Bells."

"Bye, Em."

The quiet click of the phone disconnecting echoed through the living room, and I turned toward Jasper when he said, "You're on a roll. First Leah and Seth, now Emmett and Rose, who you gonna invite next?"

"Santa," I deadpanned, handing his phone over. "Your turn."

Jasper's call to Leah turned out to be more aggressive. She was a stubborn girl, but she was stuck and she knew it. It was kind of amusing, actually. I'd never known there were so many ways to get the word 'fuck' into a sentence, but between Jasper and Leah I was sure they knew and used every single possibility. It took nearly forty-five minutes of arguing before Jasper got her to agree to at least broach the subject with Seth, and another ten before he was certain that she would actually do it.

We sat side by side for the duration of both phone calls, silently supporting the other as we strove to mend bridges and offer long overdue aid, and when it was all over I leaned to my left, rested my weight against his side, and closed my eyes.

I wondered if this was what it was like for everyone, having someone you could trust to have your back no matter what, or if our closeness was something that was exclusive to me and Jasper. I'd never really had a friend like him before, with Alice a lot of our relationship was based either on her desire to experience typical human girl activities or on furthering my relationship with Edward. Before Alice there had only been Renee, and Emmett and I had always been more siblings than friends.

Jacob had been more complex; we'd been close, but I'd felt censored so much of the time that we never really broached any deep or meaningful topics, at least not in a healthy way. Every time something truly revealing was brought up we'd ended up arguing, or I would give in and let him have his way. A lot of what we shared was just lies floating over the surface of deeper feelings left unshared.

Now I had Charlotte, but I felt like the friendship we'd built was also more familial in nature. She was like a sister, an aunt and a mentor all rolled into one. It was one of the most valuable relationships I'd ever had, and I was comfortable saying that if I were to quantify all of my friendships I'd had during my life she'd rest securely at the top of the list, right behind Jasper.

At any rate I felt I had no basis for comparison when it came to defining what it was that I'd built with Jasper, and I couldn't help but think that if I hadn't been so distant while I was human, if I had managed to cultivate some worthwhile bonds with people my own age then I wouldn't be so confused about him now.

I wasn't sure when this extra wanting had risen up inside of me. Jasper was a constant, essentially the same as he'd been when we'd become friends back in Forks, as far as I could remember. We were closer than we had been then, but I could attribute that to my change, it required less effort for him to sit near me, he had no more thirst to contend with, and he didn't have to watch his strength anymore—but there wasn't really a time when I'd viewed him as anything other than what I saw him as now, and I worried at the possibility that perhaps I'd always been in too deep with him.

"We should do something fun today," Jasper declared, breaking me out of my haze.

"Like what?"

"I don't know," he answered, "something fun."

"Please don't tell me you want to resurrect 'game night,'" I begged, sitting up straight to fix him with what I hoped was a threatening glare. We had _finally_ managed to convince Charlotte to give up on it, if we brought it back now we'd never get rid of it again.

"I liked game night," Jasper shrugged.

"Of course _you_ liked it. You were the one pissing the rest of us off."

"It's not my fault the three of you are such sore losers," he snickered.

"It's not our fault that you're such a bad winner," I retorted, feeling pathetic for thinking of Jasper's poorly concealed competitive streak as endearing.

"Aw, don't be so jealous. Next time you can be on my team, alright? We'll wipe the floor with those fuckers."

"Your entire proposition is irrelevant because we are _not_ having any more game nights," I said, trying to sound confident and sure. I had to be firm now because if he actually wanted this I wouldn't be able to say no. It was best to nip the idea in the bud now.

Jasper pouted, but wasn't able to hold onto the facade, and after a few seconds the corners of his lips twitched upwards. It was so easy to forget all my worries when we were like this, and as I started to pick up my previous line of thought I narrowed my eyes at him in realization.

"You did that on purpose."

"Did what?" he asked, leaning a little closer to me, false innocence written all over his face.

"You distracted me." He'd noticed my internal struggle and found a light topic of conversation to take my mind off it. I couldn't figure out how he could be so sneaky and so incredibly obvious all at the same time.

Jasper just shrugged again, setting his face into that little half-smile I was so fond of and reaching out a hand to cover my own folded in my lap. "Did it work?"

"Yeah," I nodded, shifting my sight down to his hand resting on mine, wondering how it was that this simple gesture filled me with warmth and made my stomach flutter. "Thanks."

I spent the rest of the morning sitting out in the yard in a daze, attempting, and failing, to sort through everything that had happened while the rest of the world went on with it's business all around me.

I was anxious for night to fall so I could go out into the fields with Charlotte, even though there was little more that could be done. We'd been working for five weeks now, and it was getting to the point where I could beat her more often than not. The accomplishment was significant enough that she suggested we lessen our regimen, but I needed the distraction our sparring provided. When I was trading blows with her I didn't have to think about anything else.

I didn't have to wonder what Jasper was thinking when I caught him looking my way, or contemplate what it meant every time he sat down to read with me. I didn't have to mull over and try to identify the warmth that flowed through my veins every time he touched me. I could forget the fullness of his lips, the headiness of his smell...

So I argued that soon my strength would begin to wane, and I needed to ensure I still knew how to fight without it, and we continued late at night out in the old pastures, working to perfect something that couldn't logistically be honed any further. She was nice about it, and never called me out on the unnecessary practices, even though they cut into her time with Peter.

She knew, she'd probably always known, but she never said anything. Still she cast smirks and winks in my direction, promises that eventually she was going to corner me and force me to talk about what was running through my head. I couldn't decide if it was a conversation I was dreading or looking forward to; Charlotte's silence surely meant she had no intentions of ratting me out to Jasper, so maybe the simple act of talking through my feelings would give me some greater sense of perspective on the matter.

I just didn't know what to say, the realization had hit me like a freight train. The second the entire world stopped suffocating me and I was able to take a step back I had seen how the pieces lined up, connected dots I hadn't even known were there. It was whiplash without ever being moved. I could barely wrap my own head around how I felt about Jasper, much less try to explain it to someone else.

Something had shifted, and I wasn't sure if it was the venom that now coursed through my veins or the simple fact that time had passed and now things were different. I wanted a definition, some concrete way to describe how I felt about him―but the word was lost to me, stuck on the tip of my tongue.

I had to stop thinking about it so much. I needed more to distract me, more time to adjust, and I realized I'd been spending way too much time with Jasper and he was starting to rub off on me, because what I really needed was a plan.

I couldn't avoid him, even if I wanted to it would be difficult, but I had to find some way to keep myself from fantasizing over what his skin would taste like under my lips.

Spicy, I was sure he would taste spicy.

I supposed I could put some distance between us, put an end to our comfortable and casual interactions, but I dismissed the idea immediately. The whole reason I was driving myself so crazy trying to find a way to make sense of this insanity was so we could go back to normal, and close was what was normal for us.

My current circumstances were not helpful at all, thirty minutes earlier Jasper had come out on the deck and started working on putting up the new railing. It was unwise on so many levels to be lounging out in the back yard, legs crossed and palms flat on the ground, watching Jasper as he toiled away—but I loved to watch him work like this. He got so into the task, used all of his concentration to set up the new slats and nail them into the flooring.

"Better shut your mouth, 'fore you start catchin' flies," Peter rumbled just barely above a whisper, taking a seat next to me on the earth, and scaring the hell out of me because I hadn't even noticed he was coming my way.

"I don't know what you're talking about," I muttered, embarrassed beyond belief for getting caught ogling Jasper. I was unnerved by Peter's proximity, we'd never been alone before.

"Sure, you don't."

"What do you want, Peter?" I asked, trying not to sound rude, and hoping his answer would provide a change in subject.

"I have been informed that I haven't exactly been personable since arriving. Char suggested that I take the time to get to know you a little better," he responded, letting out a hearty laugh at the look on my face.

Saying Peter hadn't been personable was about the nicest way to say he never spent any unnecessary time in my company—but I hadn't exactly made it easy for him, he still made me incredibly nervous. Jasper's explanation of my discomfort had helped, but even after all this time whenever I was around him I sometimes still had to remind myself that I didn't actually have a reason to fear him. The fact that he noticed my near obsessive observation of Jasper only added to my trepidation, but I had committed myself to making more of an effort with him, and now was as good a time to start as any.

"So tell me, _chiquita_ , why were you staring at my dear friend like you want to lick him up and down?" he asked barely above a whisper, leaning in close.

This just wasn't going to work.

"I wasn't..."

"Oh, you were. Subtlety is something you haven't quite got the hang of yet," Peter interrupted before musing, "You know he's always had a thing for brunettes."

"I really hope you didn't just compare me to Maria," I seethed. There was no greater insult.

"Nah, you couldn't call that cunt a woman. She's a fuckin' harpy."

"Jasper said she's still alive, is that true?" I asked, hoping it wasn't. I didn't like the idea of that awful woman walking the earth. If I thought I could get away with it, if I had any chance in hell I would have added her death to the list of accomplishments I needed to achieve before I could start living my new life—but even Jasper was unwilling to go after her, and I figured if anybody had the right it was him.

"Unfortunately. Jasper thinks about killing her every now and then, but that's a place he never wants to go back to, and that's probably for the best. We keep tabs on her though, you just never know," he replied with a shrug.

"What about you? Do you ever think about ending her?" I asked, finding it was relatively easy to talk to him if I was focused on Jasper and our conversation centered on something outside of our little bubble here.

"All the fuckin' time," he responded, shaking his head, "but like him, that's a place I never want to go back to."

"Charlotte?"

"At least once a year I have to physically restrain her, but that situation's a little different. Char's not out for blood on her own behalf, she wants vengeance for what happened to me."

That was something I could understand a little too well.

"I won't tell him, _chiquita_ , but you should. You never know, after all." Peter stood, throwing a wink in my direction before standing and making his way over to Jasper.

I supposed that maybe Peter was right, but it didn't matter. I didn't think I was going to say anything, definitely not now, and maybe not ever. I was happy here, content, even if it did take some work. The sad fact was that I wasn't sure of my feelings, and that was only the first reason why I wouldn't say a word. Denial seemed to be my coping mechanism of choice.

I'd too often followed my heart without thinking of the consequences, and I'd learned my lesson. I'd relentlessly chased after Edward, and wound up in a relationship where I gave away everything and got nothing in return, and I wouldn't let that happen again. I didn't deserve much, but I knew that I deserved better than that. I didn't know what Jasper was willing to give, I didn't even know what exactly it was that I wanted from him, and until I figured those things out there was nothing to be gained from anything but silence.

Jasper and Peter playfully shoved each other a couple of times before getting back to work. The railing was going up quickly, they'd be done in less than an hour. As I continued to stare at Jasper, watching the flex of his arms and the way he'd scrunch his face when he was making sure the wood was level, I thought that despite the increasingly frequent interludes of lust and longing I had for him I could still be happy. What I needed was Jasper, and he was already here with me.

I felt a little lighter with my resolve, and shifted my attention back to the men working on the deck. They were so similar in their movements it was almost scary. I squinted, blurring the shapes of them until they were just two identical blobs moving around, and I thought that maybe I got it, why they got along so well. They had so much shared history, and had so much in common that it was probably impossible for them not to wind up friends.

I'd gotten better around Peter, more comfortable—but better was a relative term, and the truth of the matter was that better wasn't really good enough. He scared me on some primal level, and I knew it was irrational, but I couldn't quite get to the place I knew I needed to be before we could build any sort of a real friendship. When I looked at Jasper's scars I saw strength, and knowing Peter's teeth were permanently etched there was something I didn't think I would ever be able to get over completely.

Just like Charlotte...it was better not to focus on the similarities right now. I didn't want to to think of all we had in common and all we didn't when it came to these two men.

I needed more time, and I wondered when that had become my go-to rationalization. It seemed every time I turned around and was confronted with something I wasn't sure how to deal with I'd say those words to myself, swear that all I needed was a few more days or weeks and then maybe I'd be able to figure it out.

I should be more proactive about all these conflicts swirling around in my brain, because I really was going to start going crazy if I didn't do something other than sit idly by and wait for the solutions to come to me. I should confront some of these things that were bothering me so much, and I decided that I would start with Peter.

I stood and walked purposefully over to where Jasper was nailing the last piece of wood in place, and offered both men a small smile.

"Feeling better?" Jasper asked, watching me out of the corner of his eye as he tossed his hammer in the air and caught it. He lifted his head just the tiniest bit, allowed the very edge of his lip to curl upwards, and I knew that he knew that what I'd been doing out in the yard all this time had everything to do with confusion and deliberation.

"I am. You guys did a good job."

Jasper nodded his head, his unspoken acknowledgment that I'd just needed some space to think.

"'Course we did, how pathetic do you think we are?" Peter interjected, the false hurt on his face entirely transparent.

"It was a compliment, _chiquita,_ " I teased, throwing the term back in his face though I had no idea what it meant.

"Yeah, don't be so sensitive, _chiquita_ ," Jasper chimed in through his sudden laughter. I had the feeling that maybe that wasn't the right word to use.

Peter sank into one of the deck chairs, shaking his head as he whined, "Oh, come on! She doesn't even know what it means! You can't mock me if she doesn't know what it means!"

"Sure I can," was Jasper's idea of a witty response, and I rolled my eyes. I'd have to go find Charlotte and ask her what I'd said, I wasn't going to get anything out of these two.

"You screwed me, B!" Peter called after me as I jumped the newly installed railing and headed back through the yard. "I was just trying to be nice and now they're _never_ going to let up!"

It took almost an hour before I finally found Charlotte, perched in a tree a few miles from the house; she'd been running all over the damn place, and it took only a few minutes before I found myself wishing I hadn't even gone looking for her.

"You called him _chiquita_?" Charlotte asked for the third time, laughing so hard she nearly managed to fall off the branch she was perched on.

"Yes! What the fuck does it mean?" She was just as impossible as Jasper and Peter sometimes.

"Oh that is just priceless!" Charlotte managed to squeak out through her giggles. "Jasper is never going to let him forget this..."

"Charlotte..." I growled in warning.

"It's a term of endearment," she managed to say in between her laughs, "It means little girl."

"Wonderful." I shook my head for a moment, torn between embarrassment and amusement.

Charlotte continued laughing for another couple of minutes before finally getting a grip on herself. "Peter told me he talked to you."

A knot of dread formed in my stomach, because while Peter had assured me he wouldn't say anything to Jasper he'd obviously told Charlotte what he'd caught me doing. How the hell had he gotten to her before I did?

"Yes."

"Wanna talk about it?" she asked eagerly, and I shook my head.

"Not really."

"Okay," she answered with a shrug, the grin never fading from her face. "I'm patient, I'll get it out of you eventually."

"But not tonight," I countered.

"Guess not."

The silence that descended over us was comfortable as we sat and watched the sun begin it's journey toward the horizon. It was a little strange, we usually watched the sunrise together, not the sunset.

"Why do you want to kill Maria so much?" The question had been boiling inside of me, but I'd only just been able to work up the courage to ask. I had a feeling I knew what her answer was, and if I was right I wasn't sure what that meant for me.

"Well if you're going to bring it up, are you sure your real question isn't why do _you_ want to kill Maria?" Charlotte retorted. The look of complete and total exasperation on her face drove me to give her an inch, and I nodded.

"And why does Peter still scare me..."

Charlotte smiled sympathetically. "You know the answer to both of those questions."

I kept my eyes steady on the setting sun and remained as still and impassive as I could. Yes, I knew the answer, but I didn't know what it meant.

Jasper. Jasper. Jasper. It always came back to Jasper.

"I feel like I'm on a merry-go-round and I can't get off," I sighed, unsure if they were the right words, but needing to say something.

"Like the world is spinning so fast that you just might float away..." Charlotte trailed off fondly.

"Yes," I stated dispassionately, my brain refusing to draw parallels.

"What would you say if I told you that he likes you?"

"That I know he likes me, why else would he keep me around," I answered, purposefully failing to understand her meaning.

"You are so stubborn, the both of you," she groaned, and I couldn't help but laugh.

"That's why we get along. He gets me, I get him, seems like we always have."

It was the truth wrapped neatly around a lie. We got each other, but I couldn't help but think that we had never simply got along. There was a complexity and undertone that tinted our interactions, always so much being said underneath the words.

I sighed and leaned backwards on my branch, letting gravity shift and pull me as I hooked my knees to hang upside-down and let my hair flow freely in the wind. If I were human it would have been exciting, blood would flow to my head and my legs would quake while they held on—but the act was as easy as standing now, and I wondered if I would ever get to experience the feeling of having my heart thump wildly in my chest or adrenaline pumping through my veins again.

'Bittersweet,' I thought to myself. Everything was bittersweet.

It was all pluses and minuses, sugar mixed with sour. The question I really needed to ask myself was if it was worth it to risk happy for a chance at ecstasy. Another version of me would have said yes, this one wasn't so sure.

"You don't have to talk to me about everything, but you should talk to _someone_ about whatever it is that's running through your head. It's not healthy for you to keep everything bottled up."

"I know, it's just that I'm not really sure what I'm feeling."

"It's one thing to lie to me, or to Jasper, but you really shouldn't lie to yourself," Charlotte retorted, a slight reprimand laced into her tone.

I pulled myself back up on my branch and looked long and hard at her. I'd assumed she knew more than she was letting on, had noticed the changes in my behavior during her time here, but I hadn't thought she'd seen quite so much.

"You won't tell anyone, not even Peter?" I asked, biting my lip and brushing the hair out of my face as I waited for her response.

"Not even Peter," she vowed.

It took half a second for me to start spilling my guts.

"I think I like him. Like, like him like him, a lot...definitely too much. I can't figure out where it came from, it's almost like it's always been there to some degree, but I was either too busy getting over Edward, or stuck in a depressed whirlwind trying to accept that my life was about to end, or being all wild and crazy and newborny...and I just never saw it," I rambled, having to pause to take a breath before continuing. "There was never room. It's got to just be some sort of insane hero-worship, right? Do vampires have hormones? Maybe it's just vampire hormones..."

"Bella!" Charlotte interrupted, looking like she was fighting the battle of her life trying to keep her laughter contained. "Have you ever considered that maybe, just maybe, Jasper is a good guy and treats you right, and _that's_ why you like him?"

"I try not to," I said with a pointed stare.

"Why on earth not?"

"Because if it's real..." I said, suddenly feeling the very human need to gasp for air, "if it's real then I have to deal with the possibility that he doesn't want me as much as I want him."

"Jesus," she muttered, "that shit-head Edward really did a number on you, didn't he?"

"He was my first boyfriend, my first...anything, really. I spent so long mooning over him, tried to tie him to me by giving away everything I had. He asked and I gave, but he never gave anything back...I can't do that again. I can't lose myself and wind up empty."

"Do you really think Jasper would do something like that?"

"No," I admitted, "but I'm still scared. He already has so much of me, and I'm afraid to offer him any more when I don't know what he'll give me in return. I just...I can't, Charlotte."

"Hypothetically," she said after a pause, "if he were to have feelings for you, he wouldn't make the first move, not in this situation."

"That's not him," I said with certainty. "If Jasper wants something he sets out to get it, it's not in his nature to wait for things to come to him."

Charlotte gave me a stern look, and continued as if I hadn't said anything, "He would feel like he was taking advantage of your state. You're a newborn, and no matter how far you've progressed you've still got a long ways to go; you're still sorting out how you feel about the world, yourself, and what you've become. Jasper wouldn't add to that list."

"Hypothetically?" I asked, mocking her just a little.

"Hypothetically," she confirmed with a smirk.

I wanted to believe her, wanted so badly to make the intuitive leap that she was simply spouting out poorly disguised facts in an attempt to assure me, but I wasn't going to let myself do that anymore.

The look on my face must have given away my train of thought, because after a moment Charlotte groaned and shook her head at me. "He told me you were so observant, so perceptive, but I just don't see it sometimes."

"What is that supposed to mean?" I asked, mildly offended.

"Never mind. Hey, do me a favor...well, actually let's call it a bet," Charlotte said, falling silent for a second before changing her mind again, "Fuck it, I'm going to have to bribe you anyway."

"What are you talking about?" I was incredibly confused by her abrupt one-eighty and convoluted thought process.

"I'll give you a thousand dollars if you ask Jasper _'¿Quieres ayudarme a salvar a un caballo?''_ "

"Absolutely not."

"Why not?" she whined, "You're not even going to ask what it means before you say no?"

"I don't need to. I know that if you're willing to pay me a thousand dollars to say it, it can't be anything good," I replied, and the smile that crept over her face told me that I was right.

"Can't blame me for trying."

"But I can blame you for taking notes on stealth from Jasper," I snickered. "Did you really think that was going to work?"

"You've got a point there, _mi hermana,_ " she said, laughing long and hard before throwing a sly wink and soft smile in my direction. "It means 'my sister.'"

" _Mi hermana,_ " I repeated, testing the words on my tongue. They felt...right, like somehow the simple act of translating the phrase into Spanish suddenly transformed the sentiment into something that perfectly described my relationship with Charlotte. "I like it."


	16. Chapter 16

It was a Sunday when the entire world shifted and flipped. It always happened on a Sunday.

Charlotte and I had grown even closer over the past week. Now that I had spilled the beans we spent more time chatting than training, and I found it was nice to have a girlfriend I could talk to about all the silly little things Jasper did that would get me all tied up in knots. She was adamant that I should do something about my feelings, and I continued to put it off, even though I was starting to accept that maybe some sort of action on my part was inevitable.

There was little else to learn from her, combat wise, and her next suggestion had been to bring Peter into the mix; he was stronger and faster than Charlotte, and had much more experience with not only fighting but with instructing—but I'd only just started to feel more comfortable around him. Now that I'd actually sat down and had a meaningful conversation with the man it was a lot easier for me to remember that he didn't present any threat to me. I didn't want to jeopardize what little progress we'd made.

I'd, of course, suggested Jasper instead, but Charlotte was convinced he would refuse, and after some of the talks I'd had with him I was inclined to agree with her. It was a catch twenty-two. I wanted to learn from Jasper because he was the best, because I trusted him and I knew he'd prepare me better than anyone else—but I also wanted to respect his wishes. One of the things he'd made abundantly clear was that teaching me to fight was not something he wanted to be involved in.

We left it alone, in the end. We cut our practices down to a couple times a week and instead sharpened our focus on containing my thirst. There was always more to learn, more to accomplish, but without the constant distraction sparring with Charlotte provided I was forced to start facing other matters, things I'd made a significant effort to avoid.

In reality I'd become more at ease with the way I felt about Jasper. I liked him, and that wasn't really something I could help. Obsessing over it wasn't going to get me anywhere. I'd resolved before to not let it bother me, but this time I was determined to follow through on that. I wasn't doing anyone any good by acting like a crazy person, and I didn't want Jasper to worry about me more than he already did.

Charlotte had been more right than she knew when she'd made the casual remark that Edward had really done a number on me, and I was starting to fear that whatever it was that he'd broken was something that might not be fixable. Edward had let me believe that what was between us was permanent, that no matter what happened he'd always love me more than anything else, and I'd foolishly thought that meant we'd always be together.

I'd labeled my feelings for him as a love that was fated to be even though I had no basis for comparison, and had only found myself betrayed. He let me give him everything I had and then destroyed what little remained when he left me out in the woods to fend for myself. Edward had scarred me deeply that day, and while the wound had healed evidence of it would always mar me.

I wanted to be strong and confident, have the guts to just follow my heart and let it lead me, but I was scared, and I needed to figure out how to get past that because the more I thought about it the more I was sure that Charlotte's assessment of Jasper had been correct. I'd never know what he felt unless I did something, anything to bring it up.

I was weighing my options, but I never managed to get very far past 'I could kiss him' before my incredibly vivid imagination picked up and trapped me in a fog of lust until something happened to break me out of it. This time that something turned out to be Jasper himself.

"I was thinking about what Peter said, about ways you could learn to control your gift, and I think he's got the right idea," he remarked casually from the opposite end of the couch, and just one look at his face told me that he'd already outlined an agenda to do just that.

"I don't know, Jasper," I stalled. I had no idea how this shield of mine worked, and there was no way to know if successfully unblocking him would also result in him being able to feel me.

"What are you worried about?" he inquired, and my mind scrambled to think of something that wasn't completely a lie, but I couldn't come up with anything.

"Am I going to hate whatever it is that you've come up with?" I asked, choosing to avoid his question and pose one of my own. It was pretty safe to assume I would. The idea of tampering with this gift of mine was absolutely terrifying, and I was desperately trying to come up with some reason why we didn't need to start working on it now.

Jasper laughed tensely and shook his head, "It'll probably be harder for me than for you. Basically I was just thinking that I'll try to send you something and you try to move whatever it is that's keeping me out."

" _Él piensa que está siendo suave. ¿No?_ " I heard Peter comment to Charlotte from their position out on the deck. I was starting to really hate Spanish.

" _Creo que sí, no se nota._ "

Jasper simply ignored them and continued, "Physical contact helps, strengthens my gift..."

My mind went straight to the gutter. This might be a plan of Jasper's I could get on board with.

" _Tal vez no debemos ayudarlo. Esta mierda es chistosísima._ "

" _Sí, lo es._ "

" _¡Cállate!_ " Jasper yelled out the back door, the volume of his voice unnecessarily loud.

I'd heard that one before, and there was really only one thing it could mean. I forced myself to repress a smirk; I was going to get Jasper so good for all this Spanish bullshit.

"Don't tell them to shut up! That is so rude," I scolded, wagging my finger at him for effect.

Jasper's entire body stilled, and when he turned his gaze to mine his eyes were wide as saucers. He looked absolutely horrified. Served him right.

"I'm not an idiot, Jasper. I did manage to pick up a little Spanish," I told him, somehow managing to keep the humor from my voice while arching an eyebrow in his direction.

The only sounds in the air were Peter and Charlotte cackling out on the deck as Jasper continued to stare at me slack-jawed. I maintained eye contact for a few seconds, but when it became clear that Jasper was in some state of shock and wouldn't be saying anything I decided to go join the peanut gallery outside.

I stood to make my way out of the house, and as I passed him by was struck with an idea that Charlotte had surely planted in my head for this very moment. Before I could lose my nerve I leaned down and whispered in his ear, _"¿Quieres ayudarme a salvar a un caballo?"_

Charlotte's sudden increase in laughter confirmed that yes, it was something I probably shouldn't have said to him, but the look on Jasper's face was priceless, and worth any subsequent humiliation. His eyes all but glazed over, and I could have sworn I heard him whimper as I continued on my way out to the deck where Peter had his forehead pressed hard against Charlotte's shoulder as they both tried to contain their laughter.

"Excellent!" Charlotte crowed as soon as she spotted me, lifting her hand for me to high-five. I felt like a twelve year old when I actually did it.

"I'm going to regret that, aren't I?"

"No, no, no, that was awesome," Peter chuckled, and I smiled freely at his shaking profile. "That was just...oh my God."

It took nearly three minutes before I finally heard Jasper get up and make his way to us; Peter and Charlotte were nowhere near getting control of themselves. The second Jasper was through the door he lunged at Peter and grabbed him by the back of his shirt before growling, "You! This has you written all over it you shit-head!"

The accusation only served to amuse Peter further, and he continued laughing, even as Jasper dragged him off the porch, through the yard, and into the woods.

"You set him up, didn't you?" I asked Charlotte, pretty impressed by the sheer brilliance of her scheming.

"Oh, yeah."

"I don't suppose you're going to tell me what I said?" I thought I probably didn't want to know, it would be much less embarrassing that way.

"Ask Jasper," she suggested with a self-satisfied smirk.

"Oh, I don't think so," I laughed. "You didn't see the look on his face; I think I'd rather not bring it up again. Ever."

"Speaking of, how is your disastrous regimen of denial and stupidity coming along?" she asked teasingly, but I caught an undercurrent of frustration there as well.

"Just great," I answered, throwing as much sarcasm into my voice as I was able. "It would be going much better if you'd stop asking about it."

"I just think you're being ridiculous is all. You can't avoid it forever."

"I know," I replied, thinking about just how true that was. I was already about to burst at the seams.

We sat in companionable silence while we waited for Jasper and Peter to come back to the house, and I again found myself absorbed in thought. That heat, that warmth, it absolutely haunted me.

It was so easy for me to imagine that all of this meant more, that there was some deeper level of affection between us. It was completely effortless, this falling deeper and deeper and letting myself sink closer to accepting that there was perhaps more at work here than I'd originally assumed.

If I allowed myself to think about it, actually contemplate the way I felt about him I always came to the same conclusion; everything within me ached for the possibility of more, and it was the first time that there was no level of my psyche at odds with another. Every single piece agreed on this one thing; Jasper was essential, the source of the most supreme happiness and contentment, and no matter how hard I'd tried to ignore it, I couldn't really deny the simple fact that I was in love him any longer.

Somewhere in the back of my head I'd probably always known it was love, that I had been late to the party and hadn't started seeing everything for what it was until it was far too late—but this was new, fresh, and unnamable.

My only experience with this sort of thing had been with Edward, and though I'd romanticized my feelings at the time, I'd never felt much for him beyond the puppy love all first relationships are rife with. This was real, this was deeper. This was friendship and trust, caring and loyalty. This was more, and while I could understand why it had taken me so long to put a name to it I still thought I should probably have figured it out sooner.

I'd spent so much time focusing on all the things that had been wrong with my relationship with Edward that I'd never really thought of how Jasper might differ. Jasper would never let me cut out all the things that made me who I was, and he would never dictate how I should live my life. They were different, and I should never have used Edward as my baseline; we'd barely dated, and he'd never shown me any sliver of affection beyond chaste pecks on the lips.

It had taken Jasper mere weeks to eclipse Edward in every way, and just a few short months to show me that love was deep breaths and spicy smells, stargazing, reading, and asking questions when you don't want the answers, just because someone needs you to. Love was the warmth of Jasper's arms, the heat of his lips on my shoulder, and it had never once been the icy tips of Edward's fingers ghosting over my cheeks.

"Damn it," I groaned, letting my head fall against the back of my deck chair.

"What?" Charlotte asked, sounding mildly surprised by my outburst.

"I have to do something."

"I've been trying to tell you that all week." I just knew she was rolling her eyes at me.

I didn't know what else to say, and was saved from having to come up with something by the buzzing of her cell phone.

"Jasper's on his way back, I'm going to go meet Peter," she said, and I opened my eyes to see her stand up quickly and head for the stairs. "I'll be close, come find me if you want to talk, okay?"

"Okay," I muttered closing my eyes against the afternoon sun.

I considered going for a run or a hunt, but the only thing I'd end up doing was obsessing, and I didn't want to get sucked into that pit again today. I needed to think, yes, but not right now. Besides, I wanted to see Jasper, see if he looked any different now that I'd had this revelation. Maybe the simple act of admitting how I felt about him to myself would somehow transform his appearance and behavior into something that would give me a concrete answer as to what the hell I should do.

"Sunbathing? You don't really seem the type," Jasper called out from across the yard.

"It's the paleness that gives me away, isn't it?" I responded, smiling a little for the lame joke.

I opened my eyes as I heard him climbing the steps, and chuckled at his disheveled appearance. It seemed Peter had gotten a lashing, no wonder Charlotte was so anxious to leave before Jasper got back. I stood up and met him in the middle of the deck, continuing to laugh quietly as I brushed some dirt from his cheek. I was a little disappointed that he didn't look any different, he was still the same man he'd been when he'd hauled Peter off the deck—but I hadn't honestly expected a change. No matter what I felt or thought he was always going to be Jasper.

"Where were we?" he asked as I picked two leaves out of his hair before following him back inside the house where he picked up right where we'd left off. It looked like we were going to pretend nothing had happened to interrupt our conversation at all.

"So, your gift," he started, "have you thought about it at all?"

"Yeah," I answered quietly, the previously light atmosphere fading. I'd given it far too much thought over the past few days, over the past few hours even, and had made little progress in convincing myself it wouldn't be a complete disaster.

There was so much I was trying to keep buried, and it was a battle I was losing. I would have been fine if this attraction I had to him was simply physical, but I couldn't keep the fluttering in my stomach or the way I would practically melt whenever he smiled at me at bay for much longer, and if something happened and he was able to feel me again he'd know everything. I didn't want him to find out like that.

"You said you could tell when I try to use my gift on you, right?"

I hummed a tentative confirmation, but when Jasper remained silent decided to elaborate. "I can't feel what you send me, but I can tell it's there. Like...a coating."

"With practice you might be able to push it out beyond yourself, you might even be able to learn how to drop it," he said, glancing over at me as I went still with his last words. "You don't want to learn how to drop it?"

He sounded a little hurt, and I thought I should probably give him some sort of explanation for my reluctance, but didn't know how. I finally settled on the most logical argument I could think of.

"If Seth and Leah come it won't matter, Alice won't be able to see us either way." I left it unsaid that I very much liked the fact that Alice couldn't see us and was in no hurry to change that.

"That's true," Jasper conceded, looking like there was something more he wanted to add.

The silence that stretched between us was wrought with an unfamiliar tension. It was so rare to feel uncomfortable in his presence, but right now I felt antsy, like there was something more one of us needed to say but neither of us knew just how to do it.

It was all getting to be too much, and just when I was about to take my leave Jasper spoke again, his voice quiet, "I want to teach you how to do this. I want to be able to feel like I'm doing something useful."

It took me a moment to absorb his meaning, to realize that Jasper was actually showing some vulnerability in confessing that he felt he wasn't pulling his weight. I should have realized he might feel this way sooner, and there was no way I could deny him now.

"Okay, what would we need to do?" I asked, making myself remember that he'd said this could take years. I could afford to expend this effort now because the chances of success were practically non-existent. It didn't actually matter; I would have done it just because he needed me to.

"I guess the first thing would be seeing if I can get around it," he answered, and I thought that really that wouldn't be so bad. It was the next step that had me worried.

"And if you can?"

"Then we know it's fallible, but I doubt that's going to be the case. You displayed elements of your gift as a human, Edward never got past it, and it's even stronger now. If I manage to get through it's going to be because you let me. The objective either way is to help you figure out exactly what it feels like so you can learn to manipulate it."

"What do I have to do?"

"Just feel; try to find what's blocking me and move it."

He gave me no time to prepare, just smothered me the second he finished talking. I could tell he was trying very hard; the invisible fog that encircled me was thick and choking, and for the first time in a long time that monstrous part of me that hated his attempts to manipulate my emotions rattled the bars of its cage.

I closed my eyes tight and concentrated. It took a couple of minutes to get myself back under control, and another two before I was able to think past the disorienting feeling of being suffocated by absolutely nothing. I could feel it, the distance provided by whatever it was that was keeping his gift out, but it was smooth and whole, like a bubble made of lead.

"I can't," I said with a long exhale, "I can feel it but it's...heavy. Thick."

The effects of Jasper's gift receded, and he let out a deep breath of his own. "I don't think I can do it any stronger than that."

We sat in silence for a few minutes while I tried to hold on to the fleeting impression I'd gotten of what my shield had felt like. It was as if there was this hidden fortress built all around me.

"What were you sending me?" I asked, turning my head to stare at Jasper's frustrated profile. Maybe if I knew what it was I'd have an easier time letting it in.

He shook his head, still staring at the wall in front of us and said, "Not telling," before turning to look at me with a sad smile on his face. "You have to figure it out for yourself."

We tried for another hour, each attempt just as unsuccessful as the first. Jasper looked immensely frustrated, and I felt pretty bad for him. This little exercise was clearly more difficult for him than it was for me. He was trying so hard, but there was just no moving this thing, and he couldn't get through.

We gave up once the sun started to sink below the horizon, and Jasper immediately left to hunt. He'd strained himself too much today, expended too much energy trying to overpower my gift, and I wondered if it was something that just couldn't be done. This thing, this wall around me had always been there, and I was starting to wonder if Carlisle's theory about vampiric gifts wasn't right all along. I'd done nothing but keep people out as a human, and now I couldn't let Jasper in.

I busied myself with re-alphabetizing our extensive DVD collection. Jasper and Peter preferred them to be sorted by year, something that drove both Charlotte and I crazy. We'd all taken to re-ordering them to our preference when we were alone in the house as a mock power struggle of sorts, and I couldn't help but giggle to myself at the annoyance that would color Jasper's face as soon as he noticed I'd reordered them again.

Jasper didn't take long, he never did. I barely had time to get the last of the movies back on the shelf and reclaim my seat on the sofa before he walked back in the door, pulling off his dirty shirt in the process. He sparing an annoyed glance at the DVD rack before scowling playfully in my direction, and I responded with a cheeky grin.

"I wish you'd stop doing that."

"All you have to do is leave it like it is," I called to his retreating form as he headed to his room for a shower.

"Never!" his voice shouted from the confines of his bedroom. Tomorrow it would all be back in chronological order, he was so stubborn.

I felt his gift before he even came back out of his room fifteen minutes later, and I knew that I probably needed to hunt, too. It was getting harder and harder to keep myself in control, and it was much worse when he tried to take me off guard.

"Don't do that," I said seriously. "I don't do so well when I don't know it's coming."

Jasper nodded and sat on the far end of the couch. I'd never seen him look quite like he did right then. He looked almost depressed, and I wondered if he was blaming himself for being unable to get through my shield.

It was impulsive, the way I grabbed his arm and pulled him down to rest his head in my lap, and I regretted it almost immediately. Within a fraction of a second I was coiled so tight that I was sure if I moved even a millimeter it would set into motion a chain of events that would lead me into that dark unknown—but then Jasper shifted onto his back and angled his face toward me with his eyes closed and a barely noticeable smile on his face, and I decided that the tension I felt was worth it.

This fear I felt, this anxiety and these butterflies, this absolute inferno inside of me...maybe those were the things that I was supposed to be feeling. Maybe this was what it felt like to have something real, to have someone you really and truly loved, and I couldn't help but think I'd been so foolish, searching endlessly for an answer that was right in front of me.

I'd been clinging to some notion that the truth was out of my reach and what I felt could be explained away or shelved indefinitely. For the first time in weeks I let my body relax against his, allowed myself to inhale his scent and run my fingers every so lightly through his hair; the strands were just as soft as I'd imagined. It was a matter of inches; I could bend my head and pull him up, and know what his lips would feel like against mine instead of imagining all the ways our curves and contours would fit together.

I wanted to wonder when all of this had happened, but there was no point. There'd always been love between us, and maybe that was why it had been so easy to overlook the simple fact that my love for him had evolved into something new. I wanted to tell him, wanted to spit the words out –but my jaw was locked and mouth refused to cooperate. I wasn't ready for words, and I knew I had to find a way to get to a place where I was, because I had to tell him. I had been ready to ignore the way I felt about him when I didn't have a name for that feeling—but now I did, and I couldn't just do nothing.

Something had to give, because this wasn't who I wanted to be. I didn't want to be insecure and unsure and hide myself away from the one person who'd always been there for me, and who knew me better than anyone else ever had. My muscled itched and my head hurt from thinking and thinking and thinking, and it was seriously going to drive me insane if I didn't come up with some sort of plan of action.

I needed a signal, some small thing I could do so I could gauge his reaction and try to figure out just what it was that Jasper felt toward me, and when the idea came to me I knew it was perfect. I may not be able to leap off the cliff but that didn't mean I couldn't walk the edge like a tightrope.

"Wait here," I requested, easing out from under him, and the determination that flowed through me felt good as I stood and walked into the Library, grabbed a random book from the shelves, and made my way back to Jasper.

I could compromise. I didn't have to hide everything I felt behind lies and denial.

I settled myself next to Jasper on the couch, took a deep breath, opened the cover, and savored thirty seconds of anticipation as I stared at that first page before I ran my finger along the paper and turned to the next.

"'Bout fucking time," Jasper muttered, and the sentiment made me smile. It really was about time.

I turned my head to share my smile with him, and as soon as my eyes met his he reached a hand out to cover my jaw and ran his thumb over my cheek. His irises were dark, his expression stormy, and before I even knew what was happening he leaned forward and gently pressed his lips to the very corner of my mouth in a soft peck.

It changed everything.

The second that his lips touched my skin the earth stopped turning. I felt whole and untarnished, like there was nothing in this world strong enough to break me. I felt right, and I knew I had been fighting a losing battle, denying what had been growing within me all this time.

I waited for him to pull back, gave him the best smile I was capable of in my shaken state, and I knew. I just knew. He was it for me, he was mine.

I should have flung myself into his arms; I should have kissed him square on the mouth. I should have done anything other than settle back into the couch cushions and begin to read, but I'd never been subjected to a realization quite like this one, and I didn't have a clue as to how to handle it.

It was less awkward than I thought it would be, sitting there alone with Jasper on the couch with his arm slung over my shoulder, but then again, this was par for the course. We'd pretty much always acted like this around each other, except he'd never actually kissed me before. I could barely even focus on the words on the pages, and if Jasper noticed anything off about the way I was acting he didn't say anything, although I wouldn't have expected him to anyway. He always seemed to know when I needed a little space.

My brain was stuck on repeat, constantly replaying the feeling of it, the fire that that still burned on my face where his lips had touched me. I wished I knew exactly what he had meant by it. Was it a friendly peck, or maybe an invitation for me to turn my head and catch his lips with mine? How much of my mouth had he meant to touch, and was it more or less than what he'd ended up with?

In between vivid recalls I was almost exclusively focused on all the times I should have seen it before. I should have known right from the beginning; when I'd thought that he was the only thing that kept me from floating away on the wind, or when I'd idly thought that Peter and Charlotte's relationship reminded me of our own. I certainly should have connected the dots when Jasper explained to me just why Charlotte had trouble letting go of her discomfort around him, and compared her behavior to mine with Peter.

I'd only seen what I wanted to, persistently came up with alternative explanations and excuses so I wouldn't have to face the simple truth of this four letter word, and for the life of me I couldn't figure out why. Why had it scared me so much?

The feel of Jasper's fingers running over the curve of my shoulder brought me back to reality just long enough to realize that he'd probably known all along, and I wasn't sure how I felt about that. It was hard to see his silence as anything other than a lie, but I couldn't really believe he would do something like that without a very, very good reason.

"I think I'm going to go for a walk," I muttered once we reached the end of the chapter, folding the cover of the book back into place while still caught up in the hurricane of my realization.

"Alright."

It was the last thing I heard before becoming lost in my thoughts once more as I strolled out the back door.

Jasper had explained this phenomenon to me, it felt like a million years ago that we sat in my kitchen and he stared at my ceiling and explained how the bond of mates was permanent and unbreakable.

He'd said it was like gravity...and I pondered the implication of all that he'd told me as I aimlessly walked through the forest for near an hour before finally coming upon a bubbling stream. I sat with a huff on a patch of grass near the water, furious with myself for managing to miss something so incredibly obvious. I wanted to know what this meant for me, but it was one of those questions I had a tendency to ask when I already knew the answer.

This meant I had a chance, a good one, and I had to take it. I should have taken it already. He wasn't going to leave, but I'd known that already. What I was sure of now was that our friendship would remain intact—no matter what happened we were bound to each other. I had no idea how Jasper had managed to find the resolve to hide this from me, because the more I thought about it the more I was certain that he had to have known.

I'd been driving myself crazy, driving Charlotte crazy, and I realized then that she'd also been aware of this secret. Peter probably was, too. I'd been kept in the dark all by myself, and while I understood why Peter and Charlotte hadn't said anything, I was more than a little hurt that Jasper hadn't.

The sound of footsteps echoed through the trees around me, and I let out a quiet sigh. I'd hoped I'd have more time before he came to find me. Just a few more minutes, hours...just enough time to figure out whether or not I felt betrayed in addition to being hurt and maybe a little angry.

Each footstep that brought him closer thundered through me, and I set my jaw and ordered myself to confront him, and then hear him out. I'd listen to his reasoning with a fair ear; I'd try to put myself in his shoes and attempt to understand just what he thought he was doing, and then I'd rip into him exactly as much as he deserved.

"I think you and I need to have a talk," a disembodied voice called out from the trees just beyond the area I sat in, and my body tensed. I'd thought for sure it'd be Jasper.


	17. Chapter 17

I was more than a little surprised that in the end it wasn't Jasper who came to find me. It was Peter.

"Buck up, B _,_ " he drawled, "The storm is comin' in, how do you hope to swim if you allow yourself to drown now?"

"I don't know what that means," I mumbled. I was far too caught up with what was going on in my own head to even try to figure out what was flowing through his. "I didn't know you and Charlotte were back."

"We weren't far, Jasper called me freaking out over something or another but I figured that maybe you and I could discuss a few things before dealing with him."

"Alright," I answered, casting a glance at his tall form before turning my attention back to the rushing water.

Peter took a seat next to me on the grass, and stared pensively out at the stream for a few minutes before asking, "Has anyone ever told you what Jasper used to be like?"

"Not really," I answered, more than a little curious to see where he was heading with this topic.

"When I met that man he was death walking the earth, he was The Pale Rider given flesh. You could never comprehend the evil that flowed from him, and you'd be hard pressed to find someone willing to explain it to you; it's an understanding no person should be burdened with. Jasper likes to say that he used to be a demon, and I'm sure you think he's exaggerating, but he's not."

Peter took a break from his recollection, and I caught him giving me an appraising look from my periphery, his face stony and resigned.

"He was vicious, feral. He murdered thousands, vampire and human alike, and I do mean murdered. This was not feeding we're talking about, not a loss of control. He killed those people for no reason, and he never even batted an eye. He had no regard for the sanctity of life. The things he did with his gift..." he trailed off with a shudder.

I sat completely still, unable to even imagine a Jasper like he was describing and I had a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that the worst was yet to come.

"I couldn't even tell you how he came to value me as more than cannon fodder, I have no idea how it happened. I would talk to him a lot, mostly because it was so hard to be around him. I thought maybe if I kept at it, kept reminding him that I was a person instead of just a toy soldier he'd be less inclined to kill me. I didn't know until a few months before I left that he actually had considered us to be close. He didn't know what it meant to have a friend, couldn't even recognize that we were merely comrades.

"Toward the end something shifted, and he started to wither and die. By the time I changed Charlotte he was just a husk, there was nothing left of him. He was starting to realize just how vile he'd become, he'd started to feel real emotions instead of just the heady mix of lust and hate that swirled over our camp. He stopped talking and started using his gift to issue commands, and he didn't speak one single word again until that night I escaped with Charlotte. He told us 'go', he let us run, and believe me, we _ran."_

Peter's voice echoed through the forest came at me from all sides with this image of Jasper that had been more monster than man. The saddest part was that I had no doubt that Peter's description was subdued. There'd been a lot more to it, Jasper had told me some of it himself—but hearing it from another perspective somehow made it more frightening, and infinitely more heartbreaking.

"I came back for him only because I was in his debt; he saved the life of my mate, even if he was saving her from himself. I thought for sure he'd kill me, and I think he honestly intended to until I started telling him what the outside world was like. Instead he left with me, and away from all the blood and war he started coming back to himself. Started talking again.

"It took awhile, but eventually we became friends. Now we're family. You know, he's told me a lot about you," Peter chucked. "You intrigued him so much, right from the first time he tasted your emotions."

I had to let out a small laugh as well despite the sympathetic misery Peter's story had me wrapped in, Jasper had confessed that last point, too. I'd never really realized how much he'd told me, and that knowledge solidified decisions I'd been on the cusp of.

"Did he tell you what happened after Edward saved you from the van in Forks?" Peter asked, and I nodded my head.

"The family talked him out killing you, but he still snuck away that night, went to your house; he called me from the tree outside your window. He had been on the fence, couldn't decide whether he should stick to the family's decision or do what he thought was best, but by the time he called me he'd made up his mind. He couldn't do it, and he couldn't fathom why.

"I don't care if you want to define it as friendly or familial or whatever— the fact of the matter is that he honestly loves you, he always has in some way or another, and that in itself is nothing short of a miracle," Peter concluded with such conviction that if his words hadn't convinced me his tone would have.

"I love him too, you know," I stated as casually as I could as I pulled a fistful of grass from the dirt only to open my palm to the wind and watch the blades float away in the breeze.

"I do. I just can't figure out why you're not doing anything about it."

"I was scared."

"But you're not now?" he asked. I made an awkward nodding and shaking motion with my head as I tried to figure out if his question was true or not.

"I am, but I'm starting to think that maybe that's just how it's supposed to be. It wouldn't be worth as much as it is if it wasn't scary." It wouldn't be worth anything if there wasn't some sort of price to pay. I was lucky that I had so little I needed to wager.

"Then why are you sitting here staring at the water instead of just jumping that poor son of a bitch?" Peter asked, a slight reprimand to his tone, and I found it inexplicably hilarious that Peter was actually chastising me for not being sexually aggressive enough.

"I'm trying to figure out whether or not I'm mad at him." The words spilled out of my mouth before I'd had a chance to think about them. I couldn't believe I was actually having a conversation like this with Peter.

"Ah. So you've finally managed to see some sense in all of this," he nodded approvingly. I'd always thought that Charlotte was the observant one, but it seemed to be a trait she had in common with Peter.

"He's my mate, isn't he?" I asked, turning my head to examine his expression as he absorbed my question.

Peter seemed to struggle with how to answer me for a moment, and I thought it probably wasn't fair for me to have asked him. If Jasper had told him anything about this he had probably also asked him to keep quiet—but to my surprise Peter nodded sharply and replied, "Yes."

I said nothing else, just absorbed his confirmation of what I'd suspected to the soundtrack of water rushing past me.

"Why didn't he say anything?" I asked, knowing that Peter may not give me an answer this time.

"Jasper has a bad habit of over-thinking his emotions, and what he feels from others—and that makes his perspective on matters like this more than a little skewed. He doesn't always understand completely because he has access to too many of the pieces," Peter said, surprising me again, "He talked himself into and out of it over and over—but he wanted to tell you, he really did."

"Then why didn't he?" I asked even though I knew this time he wasn't going to answer. We were getting into things that Jasper had to tell me myself.

"Not my place to say," he responded with a shrug, closing the subject.

The silence that stretched over us was comfortable for once, and I found myself leaning back on my palms and enjoying it a little. I would never have thought I'd be able to have such a peaceful moment with Peter as my only company.

"Why are you being so nice to me?" I needed a break from the heavy topic, and I was curious as to what had happened to cause him to act like this.

"You're asking the wrong questions, B. You always do."

"What should I be asking?"

"You could start with why _wasn't_ I this nice to you before," Peter replied, and I took his response to mean that he'd also realized that I'd been looking at everything else all wrong, too.

"And?"

He remained quiet for a couple of minutes, simply staring out over the water while gathering his wits, and it was one of those moments where I could have sworn he and Jasper were twins. This was the exact same thing Jasper did when he was trying to formulate a response to a question he wasn't sure if he wanted to answer.

"Jasper always told me that you were so different, that you never reacted to anything like you should—but you saw me and you did the same thing every other young vampire does. I figured it out quickly, by the time Jasper came to talk to me I'd realized that you have a bond with him, you trust him, and you just needed some time and space to get used to me."

"I'm sorry about that, how I've been acting toward you." I felt pretty bad about it, especially now that Peter was making a genuine effort and I still hadn't managed to do the same.

"It's alright. It's just the way things are."

"Is it like that for Jasper? Do people think of him the way I thought of you?"

"More so."

The mere idea hurt. Jasper was a good man, Peter was too, and neither of them deserved to have people fear them based on their appearance alone.

I'd thought the conversation was over, but to my surprise Peter kept talking.

"I've always hated newborns. That chapter of my life was absolute hell, and I never, ever, want to go back to that place; so you're not the easiest person for me to get along with. That's not to say I don't like you, 'cause I do, and I think you've been good for Jasper, so that earns you points—but I also think you need to gain some perspective on a few things."

I turned my head toward him a little, and waited for him to continue.

"You do things like say you'll work to control your gift when you don't want to, and then you barely even try; or claim you want to learn to fight and then you won't accept a regimen that will help you to improve. You seem to think that I suggest these things to punish you, and that's not the case," he said, starting to sound a little irritated.

"You've got this obsessive need for revenge, and I understand that, I really do—but we're all in this together, and we have to know how capable you are. If Jasper has to focus on you instead of the battle then we will lose, and it's hard for me to remember that you're not purposefully being difficult like the newborns I've dealt with in the past were."

"I'm sorry," I offered, understanding that perhaps Peter's irritation wasn't completely unfounded. My focus had been so narrow, and I hadn't considered the fact that Victoria would almost certainly have others on her side. This wasn't going to be a duel, it was going to be a battle, and I needed to remember that it wasn't just me who was at risk.

"It's not your fault, not completely anyway. You're so inconsistently controlled, and I've never seen anything like it. It's hard to remember that at the core you're still a newborn, when for the most part you act like you're years old."

The dark of night enveloped us from all directions, and I found myself considering the situation I found myself in again. It would be so easy to be angry with Jasper or even with Peter and Charlotte for keeping this information from me, and truthfully I was a little bit. It would be even easier to write Jasper's silence off as similar to Edward's—but that wasn't true, and I needed to recognize that.

I tried to imagine it, this alternate reality where I woke up and Jasper told me we were mates. God, mates. The word was foreign and strange, needlessly complex in its simplicity. I couldn't even begin to sort out how I felt about that now, much less try and figure out how I would have reacted all those months ago. I had been such a mess, so lost, and I thought maybe I could understand his reasoning, because if he'd just told me right from the beginning there was no way to know if I would have ever been completely sure that what we had was real rather than yet another instinct running rampant.

Jasper had told me that mates are not always lovers, that there's a choice to be made when it came to such things, and while it was something I hadn't understood back then, I did now. I had to choose. I had to decide just what I wanted to get out of all of this, and I thought that maybe that made all the difference—maybe that was why he'd said nothing.

Edward had kept things from me to take my choices away, because he didn't trust me. I thought maybe Jasper didn't say anything because he wanted to ensure that in the end I got to make this decision for myself.

I'd never know unless I asked him, and as the determination welled up inside me I clamored to my feet and ran, throwing a quick, "Thank you!" over my shoulder at Peter. I'd have sat out here all night if it weren't for him.

It was so freeing, the knowledge that I was going to finally start seeking out some answers, and not just because I'd been fantasizing about Jasper for longer than I cared to admit. I'd been driving myself nuts, over-analyzing and over-thinking every single little action to the point of insanity. I'd reverted into a person I really didn't want to be anymore, allowed myself to become weak and afraid, and that wasn't me. Not anymore, and that had been something I'd been proud of myself for.

I was better than this, I was stronger than this, and goddamnit I fucking loved him. That should have been enough for me from the moment I'd realized it.

I kept my pace steady as I headed back to the house. I was torn between wanting to run as fast as I could to get to Jasper and walking at the slowest possible rate so I could savor this moment, this feeling of empowerment that resulted from the simple knowledge that I was going to take control instead of hopelessly fighting for it.

By the time I pushed the back door open I felt like I was going to explode from the delicious feeling of anxiety boiling in the pit of my stomach. Regardless of all the reassurances I wasn't sure what was going to happen, but maybe that was the point.

Butterflies, the phantom racing of my heart. Adrenaline. I never thought I'd get to feel those things again.

I'd expected Jasper to be out on the deck, or in the Library, but instead I found him sprawled out on top of my comforter, staring at the ceiling. He didn't say anything as I walked to the bed, but rolled over onto his side to make room for me to lie next to him; his gaze shifting from the rafters to the sheets as I climbed on top of the bed and reclined on my side to face him.

"I need to talk to you."

His eyes drifted over to mine, and widened slightly at the look on my face. "Sure."

I took two deep breaths to calm myself. I wasn't sure how to do this, how to ask this question.

My struggle must have been apparent, because the longer Jasper eyed me, the sadder he looked, and I just wanted to wipe that expression off his face. I didn't know who had moved, but somehow we'd shifted closer together, not touching but only inches away. His proximity was intoxicating, his scent wafted over the inconsequential space and I closed my eyes for a moment, savoring it in a way I'd never allowed myself to before.

He smelled like home.

I extended my hand to play with the unfixed buttons of his shirt, trying to decide the best way to open up the conversation I knew we had to have. "You've been keeping secrets from me."

Jasper's eyes slid closed and he nodded against the fabric of the pillow before whispering, "Yeah."

"I'm pretty upset with you for it."

"I thought you might be," he sighed.

"I'm in love with you," I continued, feeling more confident in the words than I ever thought I'd be able, "and I've been struggling with that. It took me awhile to figure it out, and then I nearly drove myself insane trying to keep it to myself because I didn't know if there was any chance there. I didn't want to ruin everything. Now I find out that we're mates, and that you knew all along. I'm trying really hard to be understanding, but it's not easy."

"If I had told you," he asked as he opened his eyes and wrapped his fingers around the wrist of my hand that was fiddling with his shirt, "what would you have done? Because I didn't know, I had no idea how you would react to something like that. I was worried that you'd give it too much weight, that you'd either be determined to ignore it out of principal or you'd embrace it because you thought that was what you were supposed to do.

"You say now that you know—would you ever have been able to say that otherwise?" he asked, and I could see that he wasn't asking because he wanted to prove a point, he was asking because he needed to know the answer. "It doesn't matter to me, it never did; by the time it happened I already loved you more than the instinct dictated."

I felt my body shift just a little bit closer as I pulled my wrist from his grip and slid my fingers between his, letting our hands fall to the mattress between us. I didn't know what to say, what to do. I couldn't pull the right and the wrong from his explanation because the simple fact was that I didn't know either, but his actions had ensured that I never would. There was no way to turn back the clock and see if those lost months would have only caused greater pain and confusion—but my primary focus was fixed on his words, and I nearly lost every trace of resolve and certainty I had. He said he loved me.

"Start from the beginning," I finally requested.

He stayed quiet for a moment, looking nervous, but determination overcame him and after another minute he started talking, "It shouldn't have surprised me. You're an amazing woman, always have been. Ever since Phoenix I had so much respect for you, could see how strong you were underneath everything. You were...enthralling. I don't know if it happened then, or maybe it was after the family left and I got to know a side of you I hadn't gotten to see before, but somewhere along the line I fell in love with you."

His words were like a sucker punch to the chest. Had it really gone back so far for him? Even now I couldn't pinpoint the moment when my love for him began to shift from friendly to something more.

"It wasn't the right time, or the right place, so I buried it. I focused on keeping you alive and told myself that maybe after everything with Victoria was finished we could talk about it, or you'd let me change you, and then maybe we could explore it together," he continued, sounding far away, and it was so very strange to find myself the subject of one of the stories he told.

"But you never wanted to talk about being turned, it wasn't open for discussion. So when Victoria came and you were hurt I didn't know what to do. I couldn't change you without your permission, I would never do that to you, but I didn't think I could live without you either. When you told me to do it, it was like I'd been drowning for eons and only just found my way to the surface. I didn't have to lose you, and maybe...just maybe I'd get my chance," Jasper's voice continued steady, but toward the end there was something else woven in; I could almost feel the conflicting emotions he must have felt at that moment in time. It was almost romantic, in retrospect and with the right perspective...sort of.

"It seems like a thousand years ago," he muttered. "That first time I felt my heart beat in you, but it didn't matter, not really, not to me. I already loved you, the excess...it was like a voice in my head repeating commands I'd already followed through with. I was already a step ahead of the drive, it was useless."

His words echoed and reverberated all around me, and this new perspective he was providing left me with an ache deep in my chest. I couldn't even begin to understand how he'd managed to keep all of this hidden, how much he'd suffered through all of this, too.

"I thought at the time it wasn't fair to tell you, that you might assume it meant we had to be together romantically, and that's not how it works—but I don't know anymore. I've been thinking that maybe I did you wrong; that you deserved to have all the facts right from the beginning...but I didn't want to take away your choice in the matter, and I didn't want you to love me because you thought you had to," Jasper continued, and even though I'd heard enough he kept on talking.

"I wanted to give you time, so you could sort out whatever it was you felt, so when you made a decision it would be yours." He kept spitting out word after word, and each and every one of them fogged my head and prickled at my heart.

I'd been hoping for black and white, for a clear cut reason to be either angry or forgiving—but this entire situation was painted in nothing but grey. It was easy to be upset now, but I thought that I probably would have been upset then, too. There'd been no right answer, and for all Jasper depended on his plans and his honor, he'd had to navigate the murky waters of uncertainty all on his own.

"I don't know if what you did was right," I finally said, tightening my fingers around his. "I get where you're coming from, I really do—but I promised myself I'd never get into a relationship like the one I had with Edward again, and you're not doing so good on that front. He hid things from me too, said it was for my own good, and because he did that we were never able to build anything worthwhile. I was always less than him, and I deserve better than that."

Jasper nodded his agreement across the expanse of pillowcases, his eyes fixed on the fabric between us.

"You've always been honest with me, or at least told me when you didn't want to share something, and that's one of the things that make you better than all the rest. That's the standard you set for yourself," I finished, feeling like I finally managed to put into words what I'd been feeling. "You knew this would upset me."

"I did, and I almost told you so many times," he said, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath before speaking again, "but I didn't know how you felt, what was you and what was instinct. If I'd known there was something there...there's nothing that would have stopped me. Nothing. But I didn't know, I didn't know if by telling you I'd be planting the idea in your head and influencing something that should be yours alone."

I'd known the possibility was there, that I'd forgive him, right from the moment I realized I was upset—but the feeling still took me a little off guard. Even if his reasoning hadn't been understandable, if he'd somehow managed to fan the flames of hurt inside me I probably would have given him another chance, because I needed to see this through. It was for him, but it was also for me, because after all the hell I'd been through I deserved this chance, and it would have eaten at me forever if I didn't at least try.

"Okay," I said. "Okay, but never again, Jasper. This is your one free fuck-up. You can't do this ever again."

His eyes opened in a blink and met mine, full of hope and disbelief, and I moved forward another inch.

"I mean it. Promise me."

"I promise," he breathed, and I believed him, it was written all over his face.

"So..." I started, feeling incredibly awkward now that everything had been brought out into the open. "What does this mean?"

"What do you want it to mean?" he asked seriously, stroking the back of my hand with his thumb.

"Well..." I hedged, at a loss for how to put into words what I was feeling.

"You said you love me," Jasper pointed out, and I gave him a nervous half-smile and nodded, "and I'm more than a little in love with you. So how about we're just...in love?"

I liked it. It was so us.

"Alright."

Jasper relaxed noticeably at my answer, and we stared at each other for half a minute before I started feeling awkward again. I felt like he was waiting for something, like there was something I should be doing right now, but I didn't know what. I could lean in and kiss him, it would only be fair, and he'd kissed me the first time even though it barely counted. I could slide my fingers out from between his and run them up the lines of veins in his forearm...and after playing out another dozen scenarios in my head I finally forced myself to inhale.

"This shouldn't be so weird," I groaned, only for Jasper to laugh at me as he released his hold on my hand and ran his palm up my arm and down my side.

"It's the anticipation; it turned me into a moron. Just ask Peter," he replied playfully, pulling his other arm out from under his body and sliding his hand between my cheek and the pillowcase.

"Yeah, me too."

"I think I know an easy way to fix that," Jasper whispered, and he leaned in to brush the tip of his nose across mine before tilting his head and giving me a soft kiss. The awkwardness faded away in an instant, and my fingers inched forward to brush my nails over his chest. Just when he started to break away I pushed forward, caught the bottom of his lips with mine and inhaled as he let a breath out.

The rest was involuntary. My hand skimmed his side and I clenched my fist around the fabric of his shirt, my mouth opened, and I drowned in him.

Spicy. I knew it.

His palm moved to my nape, his other hand rested on my waist. We moved in tandem, and there was nothing but Jasper pressed tight against me...pulling and pushing as the world spun and vibrated.

I had felt fire before; I felt it when I burned, when his lips touched my shoulder in the Library, when he kissed me in the Living Room—but this, right here, right now, it made fire negligible. His tongue against mine was a bolt of lightning shooting straight through my body. The movement of his hand settling on my hip and feel of his thumb brushing under the fabric of my top was a tornado spinning all around us.

The force of our kiss swelled and churned until I was sure I would burst open from the strength of it. My arms wrapped around him, my leg moved to rest against his; he was like a magnet, every cell of my body demanded I press closer. Jasper shifted his weight and rolled us, his long and lean body trapping me against sheets and pillowcases. I could feel every single one of his muscles, all the scars that littered his body as he kissed me.

His mouth moved to my neck, and just the feeling of his lips against my skin had me breathing hard. Our legs tangled together, and the feel of his jeans against my thighs...I'd never fully appreciated shorts before. My hands trailed down his back to the hem of his shirt and I slid them under, pushing it away as I explored his back and reveled at the way he felt under my touch. My fingers ran over every scar, traced every muscle and pushed the fabric up and then back over his shoulders, forcing him to stop whatever amazing thing he was doing to my neck and shift awkwardly to pull his arms through the sleeves.

I giggled at the disgruntled look on his face as he wrestled with his top and took a moment to just look at him. I'd seen Jasper shirtless before, but this time was different. He was smooth and toned, and I ran a hand up his arm, brushing my thumb over the scars, curled my fingers around his bicep. I wasn't sure what to do, all I knew was I needed more. I needed so much more of him.

"You wouldn't believe how fucking long I've waited for this," he sighed, brushing the curve of my ear with his nose.

"How long?"

"Hmm...That's a tricky question," he murmured, undeterred, leaving slow open mouthed kisses along my neck and bit my earlobe lightly. "Forever? It feels like I've always wanted you in some way or another."

He moved to kiss me again, and there was no preamble with Jasper, no slow pecks to start out with. There were only deep and long strokes of his tongue and lips that warmed my soul. He was intoxicating, and I couldn't figure out for the life of me how I'd managed to survive all this time without his kisses. His hands on my body were heaven; the feel of his hair in between my fingers was positively divine. This was so right, and I couldn't believe I'd ever questioned it, written off my growing attraction to him as anything other than destiny.

I couldn't help but be thankful neither of us needed to breathe.

It was so tempting, to just lose myself in him, but at some point during our brief conversation my brain had clicked back on, and I knew this was going much too fast. I'd never done any of this, and I wanted to continue, to see where this road would lead—but I also wanted to savor it, relish every single moment.

These were my firsts, and I'd never get them again.

These were my lasts, because he was it, he was the endgame.

Jasper shifted his weight and rolled back onto his side, taking me with him, and his fingers danced down my side and played with the hem of my shirt. I barely noticed when he slipped his hand underneath the fabric until he grazed the tips of his fingers over my belly button. I was too caught up in the reality that there would never be anything else for me but him. It was such a strange feeling; to be lashed down, irrevocably tied to another being, and have it feel so good.

The cotton of my shirt pooled over his wrist, the tips of his fingers tapped against my ribs, beating a steady rhythm that reminded me of a heartbeat, and I was acutely aware that I had no idea what in the world I was doing, this was entirely uncharted territory for me.

"You okay?" he whispered, his fingers drumming up, down, up.

"Yeah."

"I have another secret," he murmured, and when my eyes met his they were playful. "I've always enjoyed the scenic route."

And those six words eased every worry running through my head. These were words that were easy to read between, and he'd always known exactly how to subdue the waves crashing against my shore. I wasn't ready, and he knew it, and he was telling me that that was okay.

"Me too," I agreed.

His hand never reached any higher, just ran circuits up and down my ribs and over the swell of my hips, traced lines on my stomach and back as we kissed—but that was all, and it was perfect.


	18. Chapter 18

It was nearly morning when I laced my fingers through Jasper's and pulled him just a little closer. We'd spent the entire night together mussing the never used sheets of my bed and talking about anything and everything we could think of.

It all felt so right, even though it still seemed a bit surreal—but it was without a doubt the best place I'd ever found myself in. I kept having to remind myself that things were different between us now, because we'd always done stuff like this; this wasn't the first time I'd laid in my bed talking to Jasper, and it wasn't the first time he'd wrapped his arms around me. I kept feeling that tension, that wanting, and then I'd realize that I didn't need to, I had him now.

Jasper's head laid next to mine on my pillow, a slow and lazy grin spread over his face. I'd never seen him smile so much. Hell, I didn't I'd ever smiled this much in my whole life.

"I don't ever want to get up," I murmured, stroking my thumb just under his jaw.

Jasper leaned his head in just far enough to brush the tip of his nose across mine. "Not that I'm objecting, but why's that?"

"Because it's comfortable here, it's safe. If I stand up and walk out into the living room I'll be back in the real world, and I just want to stay here with you."

"You're going to have to hunt soon, you probably should have gone already," he said, pulling his hand from mine to brush his fingers down my cheek.

"I'm fine." My thirst was tolerable.

Jasper gave me a skeptical look, but nodded all the same, and I appreciated that he didn't push it.

"Tell me another secret." This was how all of our conversations had started over the course of the night.

Jasper deliberated for a moment, before apparently settling on something. "The world was stagnant until I met you. I knew what it meant to be a man, I'd had the opportunity to observe and dissect the complexities that made up things like chivalry and good-will, but I'd never done those things, and they were actions I could only aspire to achieve.

"I'd felt you before, at school, but when you walked in the front door of the Cullen's house it was like a breath of fresh air. You felt things I never thought I'd understand. You loved so much it hurt. It was the turning point in my life, after that nothing was the same, because I knew what was possible," he said, throwing his leg over mine and nuzzling my neck.

"I'd lived my life in black and white, and then you stumbled in and painted it in millions of colors. I never knew what it meant to just be good until I met you."

It was the sweetest thing anyone had ever said to me.

"Your turn," he murmured, pressing a kiss in front of my ear that sent a shiver through my entire body.

I took a moment to consider his request, I wanted to share something with him that I'd never admitted to anyone, and it took me a minute to figure out just how to word it. "I didn't live before, not really. Life was something I read about in books; love was something I convinced myself I had with Edward. I can't believe I ever thought what we had meant anything; I had barely begun to define myself as a person, I didn't know what I wanted or needed, and he wasn't able to give me those things anyway.

"You taught me how to live," I continued, kissing his lips briefly.

"You taught me that, too," Jasper responded, and I couldn't help but giggle.

"It's not a contest, Jasper."

"I know that," he grumbled, moving still closer to my side. "In the beginning, when I first realized I loved you I thought this was some sort of cruel joke. There I was, trying my hardest to do the right thing and keep you safe, and then I went and fell for you like some fool.

"But I still hoped for this," he confessed, "back in Forks. That night I held you in your bed I spent the whole night wishing that you'd let me change you and you'd find some way to love me like I loved you. I knew I didn't deserve you, I still don't—but I didn't really care then, and I don't care now. I don't care if it's fate, or God...maybe you're the my reward for doing the Devil's bidding so well for all those years..."

"Jasper..." I protested, not wanting him to go back down this road. The past was just that, the past, and his was pretty checkered—but it was what made him the man he was today.

"You don't know how bad I was then, Bella."

"I know how good you are now," I insisted, and the corner of Jasper's lip curled upward.

"I have a question," he stated, his face becoming serious. "If I asked you not to do this thing with Victoria, if I asked you to just let me handle it, would you?"

"Yes," I didn't even need to think about it, "but I know you'd never ask that of me."

"No, I wouldn't," he agreed with an unwavering gaze, "but when this is over I need it to be _over._ All I want is to live my life in peace, with you."

"I think I can handle that."

" _Te amo."_

And I smiled, because I knew that one.

"What did I say to you yesterday?" It was as good a time to ask as any, now that the embarrassment I felt over it had taken a back seat to my curiosity.

Jasper stared at me for a couple of seconds before a grin broke out over his face, and he chuckled when he clarified, "You don't even know what you said?"

I could almost feel that familiar buzzing I remembered from when I was human, the feeling of Jasper's emotions skirting over my skin, and I swore I almost felt some embarrassment, and I wondered...

"Are you embarrassed?"

"What? No," Jasper answered just a little too quickly, and that was confirmation enough for me.

"I think I feel it," I mused, wrinkling my nose as I closed my eyes and tried to concentrate, but the wisp I'd felt was already gone. "At least I did for a second."

"Really?" he asked, sounding just as baffled as I was.

"It was there, it was faint, but I know it was there for a second," I replied, still trying to figure out just what I'd done differently. I wasn't sure it was anything, actually. This wasn't the first time I'd thought I felt him. I'd written it off before, thinking that maybe we were just that in tune with each other—but maybe there was more to it, maybe I was letting him through somehow.

"We'll have to experiment with that," Jasper grinned, leaning in to give me yet another quick kiss. "I still can't believe I can do that."

"How in the world did you manage to restrain yourself? I was going crazy."

"I have no fuckin' idea," Jasper said, shaking his head. It was pathetic, but I loved the way his accent surfaced on certain words. "If I hadn't convinced myself I was doing it for you I never would have been able to keep it up."

I didn't actually want to get into this again, as far as I was concerned it was all in the past. I knew very well that it was something I could hold over him for the rest of his life, but I didn't want that; we needed to start fresh if we had any hope of making it for the long haul, and I switched back to the previous topic. "Tell me what I said to you."

"Well," Jasper said with an odd look on his face, " _salvar_ means save, and _caballo_ means horse..."

"Oh dear God," I groaned, sure that I was about to become the only vampire in history that managed to blush. I was going to murder Charlotte.

"If it's any consolation, you just about killed me when you said it," Jasper snickered, seemingly feeling better about the whole thing now that he wasn't the only one who was embarrassed.

"I can't believe I did that..."

"Well, you really should know better than to trust anything that comes out of Peter's mouth," he reprimanded playfully, laughing a little as he spoke.

"Actually, it was Charlotte," I replied with a giggle of my own.

"Charlotte..." Jasper growled, and I laughed a little harder. I still couldn't believe she'd managed to put all the blame on Peter when he didn't even know what was going on. "I knew the two of you becoming friends was a bad idea."

"I have the feeling you had it coming, what with her having to put up with you and Peter for all those years."

"Fair point," Jasper replied, amusement dancing in his eyes.

"Besides, it never would have happened if you'd taught me some Spanish instead of using it to talk over my head." It was something that irked me a lot. I didn't mind Jasper having a friend to confide in, and I understood his need to have someone like Peter to talk to about sensitive topics—but they didn't have to be so obvious about it.

"Hmm..." Jasper hummed, shifting his weight onto one of his arms and trailing his fingers over my hand. " _La mano."_

" _El brazo_ ," he continued, leaning down to press a kiss on my forearm and then drag his lips up to my elbow where he whispered, " _el codo,"_ against my skin.

I giggled and squirmed under his fingers as he tapped them up along my arm and rubbed a circle over my shoulder with his thumb. " _El hombro._ "

A kiss on my neck, " _El cuello._ "

His fingers slithered down my throat, " _La garganta_."

Whispered words in my ear, _"La oreja."_

His teeth nipping softly at my bottom lip, " _La boca."_

I could have combusted, could have melted straight into the sheets when his hand moved over my abdomen and he whispered, " _El vientre,"_ into my mouth.

"I changed my mind, I love Spanish," I breathed when Jasper pulled back by inches.

" _En Español, por favor_ ," he chided with a smirk.

" _No hablo,"_ I scowled to Jasper's amusement.

"You will," he said as he settled his head next to mine on my pillow again. "No more secrets, right?"

"Right, if you know what's good for you," I threatened, only half joking, because I knew without a doubt that I'd forgive him absolutely anything, and I didn't want to be that girl.

I decided it wasn't relevant when Jasper rubbed his palm over the curve of my waist. I was almost arrogant enough to assume I knew Jasper better than anyone else in the world, save Peter maybe, and I knew he'd never put me in that position. I trusted him, and that was something I'd managed to lose sight of during the past few weeks.

I was still scared of letting him have so much, giving him so many ways to completely destroy me if he wanted—but I had to believe I had that power over him, too. Jasper said he fell in love with me back in Forks, that he'd been biding his time until I was ready to be with him, and that had to mean he felt the same way I did. I could crush him, if I felt so inclined—but it was something that would never happen. His weight resting against me was all the reminder I needed that I'd never hurt him, and in that I found faith that he'd never hurt me either.

"You know," Jasper mused with a smirk on his face, "Seth and Leah don't know Spanish either. How do you feel about playing on the other side of the fence?"

"We're gonna have a full house soon," I realized. With Emmett and Rose stopping by, and Seth and Leah's potential stay we were going to have space issues.

"Yeah, I'm not sure how we're going to manage that one. I think Seth and Leah would fare best on the second floor, Peter and Char can move into my room and I'll take the study," Jasper replied, gears turning in his head as he spoke. "We'll give Em and Rose the north section of woods. Trust me; you don't want them in the house."

"Or you could just stay with me, that would free up another room," I offered nervously, but to my relief Jasper nodded and kissed me on the forehead.

"I'd like that."

"Yeah?"

"Definitely, my chances of getting to see your tits again increase exponentially if we're sharing the same living space," he answered seriously, and I had to replay his words in my head to make sure I'd heard him right.

"What?" I laughed, unsure if I was flattered or horribly embarrassed.

"I miss them," he groaned, and I had to bat away the hand he snaked out toward my chest. "You're so fucking beautiful, it's not even funny."

I thought I just might have to settle on flattered, but I wasn't going to let him know that.

"I'm not some hussy who shows her boobs to just anyone! You have to earn it," I replied, raising an eyebrow and trying to keep my laughter to myself when Jasper pouted.

In all honesty I was comfortable with my body in a way I never expected to be. It probably had a lot to do with all the times he'd seen me naked before. I would have been more than happy to strip off my shirt right then and there, but I wanted to make him work for it, wanted to draw this out a little bit. It wouldn't be as fun if I just gave in now.

"Can we talk seriously for a moment?" I asked, feeling as ready as I'd ever be to broach this topic with him.

"Of course."

"When it comes to...you know..." I trailed off, taking a breath. I had to give myself a quick pep talk. If I couldn't even say the words then there was no way I was ready to take this step with him anytime in the future. Finally I decided to take the bull by the horns, so to speak, and blurted out, "You're the only man who's ever seen me naked."

Jasper wanted to laugh at me, I could tell from the dancing in his eyes and the way only the corners of his lips were pressed together, and I thought I loved him a little bit more because he managed to rein it in.

"I did keep offering to reciprocate."

Okay, he mostly managed to rein it in, and in a moment of immaturity I reached out and flicked his earlobe. "I'm sure your intentions were entirely noble, too."

"Ow! Of course they were," he scoffed. "I just wanted you to feel comfortable."

"You are so full of shit," I muttered, tucking the nail of my forefinger behind the pad of my thumb to flick him again.

"Oh, no you don't," Jasper said in playful warning as he grabbed my wrist and pinned it gently next to my head on my pillow. "To be honest I like that I'm the only man who's seen all of you, even if it wasn't exactly the most romantic thing in the world. I'd hate to have to run around ripping out eyeballs to make up for it," he continued in a soft tone, and I wasn't so sure he was kidding.

"What about me? How many eyeballs do I have to go around ripping out?" I asked, grabbing the opportunity to ask him while I had the chance.

Jasper moved awkwardly over me, and shifted his gaze to somewhere over my shoulder, and I sighed. He was ashamed of his answer, and that meant I probably was not going to like it.

"Is there any way I can just not answer that question?" he finally asked, and I'd started to shake my head before he even finished talking.

"I'm not going to think any less of you, even if it turns out you used to be the biggest man-whore on the planet."

I'd meant the comment to be reassuring, but it didn't work out that way. Jasper stopped breathing for a full minute before inhaling sharply, "I've been with a lot of women, Bella, and to say I'm not proud of it would be a gross understatement."

I tried to think of a way to make this a less daunting question for him to answer, because I was starting to realize that it wasn't even a fair one. Jasper was over one hundred sixty years old, and that was a life span I could barely comprehend.

"Someday you'll tell me," I finally said, phrasing it as a statement rather than a question. I didn't need to know an exact number right now, not really.

"Someday," he answered sounding distant, and I leaned up to press my lips to his.

He was so easily distracted, within seconds all traces of his bad mood had vanished, and he grabbed the side of my neck to angle my head just right before pressing his thumb against my pulse point.

It really was just so easy to forget anything existed outside of our little cocoon here, but after nearly another hour of heated contact with Jasper I finally had to give in to the burning in my throat and go out for a hunt.

I couldn't believe it hadn't even been twenty-four hours. Just yesterday I'd been all turned around and tormented by my own misconceptions, and now the simple act of confessing had gotten me everything I wanted. In all the times I imagined and fantasized what it might be like to share something deeper with Jasper I'd never thought that things could end up quite so good, and really, I should have.

We were just Jasper and Bella, we had been ever since we finally got the chance to get to know each other, and of course nothing about that would change. We were still friends, and I was confident that we always would be. This new aspect to our relationship was just layered on top of that, nothing had been lost in the past day, there had been only gains.

Now that everything with Jasper was out in the open it was time to get my priorities straight when it came to Victoria. Peter's harsh truths thundered in my head, his assessment of the situation had been spot on and I was rattled by it. I wasn't trying hard enough, and I wasn't doing all I could to make sure I was prepared. This may have started out being about me and my need to make her pay for what she'd done to my family and friends, but there were others standing with me, and I couldn't expect them to pick up my slack.

I'd hit a wall with Charlotte, so I needed to accept Peter's help, and it had been so selfish of me to little more than pretend to work on my gift with Jasper. He'd exposed a part of himself to me that was vulnerable and insecure when he told me that he thought it was the only thing he could help me with, and I'd thrown that back in his face by not putting forth an effort.

I still didn't think I'd be able to work up any sort of control over my gift beyond what I had already, but that didn't mean I shouldn't try. We needed to know my capabilities so we could come up with a viable battle plan, and I felt awful for losing sight of that—but at least I'd been fortunate enough to have Peter around to smack some sense into me, and I felt a little better about it knowing we'd only lost a couple of weeks.

I returned to the house to find that Peter and Charlotte had gotten back as well. Peter and Jasper were yet again playing some sort of racing game in the Living Room while Charlotte looked on in barely concealed boredom.

"You poor thing, how long have they been at it?" I asked, plopping down next to her on the love seat.

"It's been half an hour of torture. I was gonna come find you but _someone_ ," she said, shooting a dirty look in Jasper's direction, "told me to give you some time to yourself."

"What a jerk," I joked, and Charlotte let out a snicker.

"A package came for you," Peter interjected, standing and walking to the front door to retrieve a large cardboard box sitting by the front door. "Were you expecting something?"

I was surprised to find I was a little more comfortable with Peter here, and not in the superficial way I had been recently; now that I'd managed to actually talk to him, hold a substantial conversation with him it was easier for me to see the man who'd done so much for Jasper, instead of the vampire who'd left teeth marks on him.

Peter set the box on the coffee table in front of me, and I stared at it for a moment unsure of what exactly to do with it. I never got mail, and it took me a few minutes to connect the dots and realize that this must be the care package Emmett had mentioned during our phone call. I wasn't so sure I wanted to open it with an audience.

The three vampires in the living room showed no signs of giving me any privacy, so I stood and made my way to my bedroom, box in tow.

"Hey, no fair! We wanna see what's inside!" Charlotte called out behind me, sounding put out.

"Too bad!" I yelled as I slammed my door and set the box on my bed.

I stared at it for a moment, trying to guess what may be inside. I figured there'd be at least one object that was highly embarrassing, but I was curious about the way Emmett had phrased his words when he'd told me it was on the way. He'd said it was from him _and_ Rosalie, and I was curious about what she might have contributed.

The tape holding down the flaps separated easily under my fingernail, and I pried the box open to be met with the sight of bubble-wrap and packing peanuts. Thankfully all the shopping bags from Peter and Charlotte's initial trip still laid on top of my dresser, and I scooped out a few handfuls of styrofoam into one, uncovering a Nintendo Wii.

It figured Emmett's idea of a care package was to send me video games.

I pulled the smaller box out of the package and continued rifling around until I came across a lone video game case, Mario Party. The packaging had a post-it note fixed to the front with curly writing that said ' _Play it with Jasper. He NEVER wins. -Rosalie',_ and I thought maybe this was her version of a peace offering.

The rest of the items were clearly picked by Emmett; a collection of vampire movies, two paintball guns accompanied by a ridiculous amount of ammo, and a pair of pink furry handcuffs that I quickly shoved in the back of one of my dresser drawers. I knew there was a reason I hadn't wanted to open this in front of everyone, and even though I was a little embarrassed I was also happy that I still knew Emmett well enough to know he would have tried to get a rise out of me.

We'd be okay in the end, Emmett and I, I just knew it.

I packed the rest of the items back in the cardboard box he'd mailed them in, making sure to remove Rosalie's post-it, and hauled it back out the to living room with every intention of pretending I hadn't hidden away the obligatory 'gag gift'. If Charlotte saw those handcuffs she'd never let me forget about them.

"Bella, darling," Charlotte greeted me the moment I stepped back into the living room, "I'm sure you need to hunt soon, right?"

"Not really," I answered, cocking an eyebrow in her direction. "I just got back."

"I meant we need to practice, obviously," Charlotte replied as she took the box from my hands and set it on the coffee table, "and then you might need to hunt again. So let's go."

I barely had time to call out a goodbye to Jasper over my shoulder before she pulled me out the door and dragged me through the back yard.

"Okay, it's driving me crazy, you have to tell me what happened," Charlotte set in on me the moment we were out of earshot.

"It was...it wasn't as big a deal as I thought it would be. We got everything out in the open and we talked about how we wanted to proceed," I answered, keeping my answer vague just because Charlotte looked like she was about to explode and I found the way she bounced up and down on the balls of her feet far too funny.

"Cut the shit! Whole story, now!"

"Fine, fine," I laughed as I began walking again. "After you and I talked out on the deck Jasper was helping me try to unblock him, that went nowhere, by the way, so thanks for suggesting it."

I sent a glare her way that was only partly sincere. I kind of understood now why they'd all wanted me to learn to use my gift, and Peter was right, I had to do this so that we would know where all of our strengths laid.

"No problem," Charlotte answered, completely ignoring my sarcasm, "I already know all of this, tell me what happened after you talked to Peter."

"How do you know what happened before that?" I asked suspiciously, narrowing my eyes at her.

"Jasper called after you left, he sounded like he'd totally lost it, it was so funny," Charlotte snickered, spinning in place to walk backwards in front of me. "He was all 'Agh! Peter! I kissed her! What do I do?'" she mocked in a horrible impression of Jasper's voice, drawing out the last syllable dramatically.

"He did not say that," I laughed.

"Close enough," Charlotte muttered under her breath. "Enough of this, spill."

"Fine. God, you're so impatient," I replied, shaking my head and rolling my eyes at her.

"I've been waiting for this _forever_. Don't tell me I'm being impatient, I've had the patience of a Saint."

"Alright, just calm down. After I went back to the house Jasper was in my room, and we just...talked," I said lamely. I wasn't so sure how to describe all the events that occurred. "I told him I love him, he told me he loves me, and he explained why he never told me that we're mates."

"Are you pissed?" Charlotte asked, suddenly serious. She looked worried, and I wondered if she thought I was angry with her for never telling me that little tidbit herself.

"A little," I shrugged, "and I think I have that right—but we talked it out, and he explained where he was coming from. We're good, I'll get over it, and he knows that if it ever happens again it's a deal-breaker."

I still wondered if maybe I shouldn't have been a little angrier about the whole thing, but it would have been nothing but unnecessary drama. I would have forgiven him eventually, and the reasons for that wouldn't have changed even if I'd stewed over it for a month. I supposed this was what you did when you were in a healthy relationship; you talked through your problems, actively listened instead of hearing only what you needed to rationalize your position. It was a nice feeling, knowing that Jasper and I could argue and disagree, but in the end we wouldn't lose each other.

"I feel bad for not telling you, but I remember what it was like when it happened to me, and it's not really something you can hear from someone else," Charlotte offered as an apology, and I sent a sympathetic half-smile her way.

"I'm not mad at you, and I think you're probably right about that. I don't think I would have handled it well hearing it from you or Peter. Jasper...I don't know how that might have gone. There was definitely some potential for disaster there, and that's a lot of why I forgave him so easily. His logic was sound, there was every possibility I wouldn't have been able to deal with it back then."

"Can we come back to this part?" Charlotte whined, reclaiming her jovial interrogation now that she was sure I wasn't angry with her, and I nodded.

"Alright, so we talked, and then it was really weird. I didn't know what to do, we hadn't really decided on anything, so it was just hanging between us, and then he kissed me again."

I hadn't even noticed that we'd stopped walking. I was starting to get into the recollection, and I realized I was anxious to share this with Charlotte. I wanted to scream and squeal and jump around laughing like a fourteen year old who'd just been kissed for the first time by the guy she'd been crushing on for months.

"And..." Charlotte prodded, waggling her eyebrows for effect.

"And nothing, we kissed a lot. There was some touching but not much," I replied with a sigh, sucked back into the memory of lying on my bed with Jasper for hours. "I'm not very...experienced, and Jasper knows that. He told me he's always enjoyed the scenic route."

"That's so sweet," Charlotte said quietly, not a trace of sarcasm in her voice.

"It really was," I agreed.

"You know what this means?"

"No..." I answered, a little worried at the intense excitement painted all over Charlotte's face.

"We get to talk about boys, and _sex!_ " she squealed, just a little too loud, and I cringed while she laughed at me.

"I really, really wish I had someone else to talk to about it," I muttered. She was far too happy about this.

"I'm sure Peter would be willing to give you some pointers," she threatened, and I immediately cringed.

"I take it back."

"Thought you might."

In any other situation I probably would have argued the point more, but I had the feeling that this was about Charlotte just as much as it was about me. As far as I knew she didn't really have any friends besides me and Jasper, and she had to be dying for some quality girl talk after all this time.

"Was Peter the first..." I asked after taking a deep breath to bolster my courage. I was actually very curious, and I couldn't really ask for a better person to talk about this with. Charlotte would be blunt and honest, and while she would probably make fun of me a little she would also make sure not to tease me too much.

"Yeah" she answered, cocking her head to the side with a small grin on her face as I forced myself to refocus on her instead of fantasizing about undressing Jasper, I wondered what he would look like. "He was my first, my only."

"I've never..." I started, feeling horribly embarrassed for what I was about to say. "I've never done anything even close to that. I know the mechanics, and that's about it."

"Have you _met_ Jasper?" she asked, grinning in my direction. "He's just gonna _love_ training you up."

A sharp shudder of anticipation ran through me, and I knew it was time to change the subject.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Of course."

"When you met Peter...how did you know he was it for you?" I was so curious as to how it had all worked out for Charlotte, how her experience had differed from mine.

"It was a disaster," Charlotte laughed, and I wrinkled my brow at her, trying to figure out just how that could be something funny. "I hated him the second I woke up.

"He, of course, knew we were mates, and he kept trying to convince me that we should give it a go, but I wouldn't hear of it. I was angry with him for changing me and damning me to that awful life, and it nearly drove me insane because I also needed him to be close by. Everything felt better when he was there, but I didn't understand why, and I wasn't really in any hurry to figure it out. It didn't help that he was my superior, I didn't get to see his good side for a few months."

"How did he get you to come around?" I asked, feeling bad for her that she'd had to go through all of that to get her happy ending.

"There's a fine line between lust and hate," Charlotte replied with a wink, and I couldn't help but laugh at her, "but I didn't know what he meant to me until the day my head was on the chopping block and I thought I was about to lose him forever.

"I knew of mates, it was something we'd been taught to watch for in battle. Kill one, always kill the other. It was the closest we came to mercy in the south. Up until that day all I'd known was that I needed him, that he'd always kept me safe and once I got my head out of my ass and gave him a chance he made me happy, too. Those were two things I rarely got to experience back then."

"Do you ever wish you could go back and do it all over again?" I wondered aloud, thinking that if I got the chance to fix all the things I'd done wrong when it came to Jasper I wouldn't hesitate to take it.

"No."

"Really? You don't ever think that you could have done it better, that maybe if you hadn't have been so stubborn in the beginning you could have saved yourself and Peter a lot of trouble?"

"The way Peter and I came together may not have been ideal, but that's just the way it turned out. If we'd gotten together sooner, if I'd realized earlier that we were mates we probably would have tried to run right away, and Jasper wouldn't have let us go. I believe it happened the way it did for a reason, the way it was meant to be."

"I wish I could have done things differently," I confessed, drawing my bottom lip between my teeth as I stared off into the distance.

"The four and half months you spent waffling is so inconsequential when you have forever. Don't waste all the time you have left with regrets. Just be happy."

"Was it just awful for him, all the waiting?"

"Not until he realized you were starting to come around," Charlotte snickered as she looped her arm through mine and started leading me back in the direction of the house. "He's been driving Peter nuts these past couple of weeks."

"I'm kind of jealous you two got to see him acting all crazy, he's usually so put together." I thought that maybe if he'd shown me a little bit of that side of him I would have come around so much sooner. Apparently we'd both acted kind of stupid about this whole thing, and it made me feel so much better to know that.

"Which is why it was so funny."

"What did he do?"

"The best one was probably the day Peter started making fun of him for walking around topless. It was about...I'd say a week ago?" Charlotte started, already laughing so hard she could barely tell the story. "He was so embarrassed to be called out on it. They wound up in this ridiculous cyclical argument, and from what Peter told me it sounds like it put ours to shame. Something about 'Just fuckin' tell her already.' and 'But Peter...'" Her impressions of them were horrible, and still somehow captured their personalities perfectly.

"Is that why he started breaking out the button downs again?" I asked. I hoped it was, that was just too funny.

"Yep."

"I'd been wondering about that," I snorted. "What else?"

"I'll tell you later," she replied with a wink in my direction before nodding to the ever shortening distance between us and the house.

"What are they doing?" I asked, narrowing my eyes at the two figures spitting rapid-fire Spanish out on the deck. What in the world?

"They're arguing," Charlotte said quietly, cocking her head slightly in their direction. "It sounds like Emmett gave Jasper a status update."

I found myself incredibly annoyed that it couldn't have waited until tomorrow, and marched through the length of the yard.

"Emmett called," Jasper said the moment I was in earshot, and I could tell from the look on his face that news hadn't been good.

"Don't tell me until after midnight," I requested as I climbed the stairs of the deck. It didn't matter if I heard this news now or in two hours, and I didn't want everything good that had happened today to be tainted by Victoria.

"Alright," he nodded sharply, but seeming to lose some of his tension at the same time. "We'll talk about it tomorrow."

"Hey, Char!" Peter yelled out over the side of the deck at his approaching mate. "Guess what Em and Rose sent?"

"I'm not deaf, you fool!" she shouted back even louder, and a smile I'd never seen before broke out over Peter's face as she broke out into a run and leapt over the side of the deck right into his waiting arms. "What did he send?"

"Fuckin' _Interview with a Vampire,_ babe."

"Yessss," Charlotte crowed, scrambling down out of Peter's arms so she could grab mine and drag me into the house while she talked my ear off about the merits of various vampire movies the whole way.


	19. Chapter 19

The content of Emmett's phone call to Jasper had turned out to be nothing less than panic inducing.

Fifteen. She had fifteen newborns, and two older vampires helping her.

Emmett had found their camp outside of Vegas, a location that had both Peter and Jasper cringing at the feeding possibilities.

"We have to give her a target," Peter said firmly, standing toe to toe with Jasper in the living room while Charlotte and I looked on in barely concealed fascination and horror at the argument they'd been waging all last night and well into this morning. "If we don't give her something to point those fucking things at the collateral damage is going to be _huge_."

"Do you think I don't know that? How the fuck are we going to take down at least seventeen vampires with just five of us? I know we're good, Peter, but we're not that fucking good," Jasper hissed, his jaw tense and arms crossed so tight I thought he might not be able to extend his elbows when he finally calmed down.

" _¿Cinco? ¿Cómo coño te cifra cinco?"_

" _¡En ingles!"_ Jasper shouted, and Charlotte and I both jumped at the booming sound of his voice before sharing wide eyed looks with each other. As the night had worn on what started out as quiet requests to speak in English for my sake had grown in intensity and fire, but Peter seemed to have trouble sticking to it.

I understood, it was a habit he fell into sometimes, all of them did—but Jasper had picked this as a battle to fight for some reason, and now he was reduced to shouting at his best friend; I was starting to worry about him.

The funny thing about Jasper was when he got scared he acted angry, and that wasn't something I had ever managed to piece together until recently. Fear was something he just didn't allow himself to display, you had to look harder, peel away all the layers that surrounded him to get to it. I thought there was probably a lot Jasper was afraid of right now, and he seemed to be taking it all out on Peter.

"You, me, Charlotte, Bella," Peter started counting off on his fingers, and Jasper interrupted the second Peter touched his ring finger and said my name.

"Not Bella. She'll be busy taking out Victoria; we can't count on her being available to dispatch newborns."

"Fine. Rosalie and Emmett."

"And that's our five," Jasper said with a raise of his eyebrow that made Peter clench his jaw and shake his head.

"What about your little pet wolf? If she's a good as you told me..."

"We can't depend on her being here in time," Jasper countered.

"Well, then how about the rest of your former coven? Do you really expect me to believe that Alice is unwilling to help? What about Edward? Have you even asked them—you _know_ they would both be here in a heartbeat," Peter said with an emphatic wave of his arm.

"Where the fuck is your head at, 'cause I remember a time when it was my mate whose life was hanging in the balance of battle, and I didn't need you to run around and pick up all the slack just to make sure we did what we had to," Peter spat. Jasper took a threatening step toward him, turned on his heel and stormed out of the house, slamming the back door behind him so hard the windows rattled in their frames.

"I think _that_ ," I said with a scowl at Peter as I stood up to follow Jasper, "might have been something you could have put a little more delicately and a lot less theatrically."

"It needed to be said," Peter replied, calmer than before as I shook my head at the noticeable damage to the door frame. "Don't be long, you and I have some work to do, _chiquita."_

Jasper stood right at the edge of the deck, his forearms resting against the railing as he stared out over the yard. "Look, it was all fine when it was just planning and you and Charlotte fucking around out in the fields—but it's real now, and I know I'm acting like an asshole..."

"I get it," I interrupted, kissing the back of his shoulder. "I know it's hard for you to deal with."

"He's right, about Alice and Edward."

"If you know he's right then why haven't you called them?" I wondered as I leaned my right side against the rail so I could watch his profile as we talked.

"Alice isn't a big deal, I'll call her—but Edward..." he trailed off as he bent his head down and took two deep breaths in and out. "He'll come, he'll come because it's you, and he'll think that if we're asking that means he has a chance to win you back."

"He doesn't, you know. He doesn't have any chance at all." I had to make sure Jasper knew that, even though I had absolutely no desire to see Edward again, and my mind raced through all the possible ways we could keep him out of this.

"I know, but he's not going to want to believe that, and he's going to be difficult. He's going to do everything he can to make me out to be the bad guy here, and I don't want to throw you in the middle of what's sure to be a long and harsh argument."

"If we have Alice and Leah, actually we could probably get Seth to help, too, how does that look for us?" I asked, trying to ease him back into the battle plans without setting him off again.

"Decent, some of us would have to get three, and that wouldn't be a problem, but..."

"What is it, Jasper?"

"I can't go into this with anything less than a sure thing. The stakes are too high, decent isn't good enough," he said, biting his lip and bending his fingers back.

"Because of me?"

"Yeah."

"You know how sometimes when teams are being set and there are an odd number of people they'll put the extra player on the side with the least experience?" I asked, trying to work out the idea that had occurred to me in a presentable way.

"I guess," Jasper replied, wrinkling his nose and turning his head to look at me curiously.

"Well, what are the odds without Seth? Can the seven of you take care of that many?"

"Sure, but I think you're missing the point..."

"So what if Seth and I 'team up' so to speak. We can try to isolate Victoria from the fight; she'd stay back, right? She'd want to have a clear view so she can look out for me. Seth can pick off any stray newborns, between the two of us it shouldn't be a problem."

"I'll talk to Leah," he conceded, and I tilted my head a little and looked at him a little longer.

"There's something else."

"Don't worry about it. I'll do what I have to, you're always gonna come first."

"You don't want to ask her," I realized after a moment. "You don't want to ask her to shift."

"But I will," he vowed, and I dropped the subject in favor of leaning my head against his arm and smiling when he kissed the top of my head and whispered, "I'll do anything it takes."

Our relatively peaceful calm was shattered a couple minutes later when Peter blew out of the house like a tornado and declared, "Alright, _chiquita,_ let's go," before stomping down the stairs of the deck and throwing a scowl at Jasper over his shoulder.

"What?" I asked, wrinkling my brow and shooting a look of confusion at Jasper who swallowed thickly and nodded. I had no idea what in the hell Peter was talking about.

"Sometime today would be nice!" he shouted from the far end of the lawn, and I pulled away from Jasper with a shrug to follow him out into the woods.

"What are we doing?"

"Char's too nice about these kinds of things. The two of you have become friends, and she can't use as firm a hand as she needs to," Peter explained gruffly, and I came to a stop. "If we're having guests who have beating hearts then I for one would like to be sure you're not going to slaughter them—but Jasper's got dibs on that one. I'm more concerned with how little you've managed to learn when it comes to fighting."

Peter moved behind me, and grasped my arms so tight it was painful before marching me deeper into the forest while he continued talking, "I know you like to pretend you're weaker than you are, that way when you fail it's not as big of a blow—but we're not fuckin' around anymore."

I was starting to get a little angry with him, I was trying and he knew it—but his comments were starting to border on insulting, and we'd all been holding back when it came to Peter's attitude today.

"You may be able to wipe the floor with Char now, but that's because you're stronger than she is. If you want to stand a chance against this Victoria bitch then you have to act soon, because you rely on things that are fleeting instead of skill. You have to learn this, and you have to learn it now."

"I've worked hard to get to where I am," I snapped at him, unable to understand why he was being such a jerk.

"And now you have to work harder," he replied sternly.

"Fine," I snarled.

"Don't be bitchy. I don't want to be doing this either, but I'm doing it for you. Do you think I want to be that man I was back in the South again, because that's the last thing in the world I want—but you need to learn, and Jasper just can't do it. You can either have second best or you can be unprepared, but you'd better pick now."

For some crazy reason I was reminded of being dressed down by Charlie that day in the kitchen when he told me in no uncertain terms that I was going to give him an explanation for my behavior, whether I liked it or not. I bit back the rude word that had been fluttering on the tip of my tongue and nodded. I got it, Charlotte and I had gotten too close, and Peter was stepping into her intended role.

"'Atta girl," Peter said, and we resumed our march deeper into the woods, making an abrupt stop once we reached a small clearing, and moving to stand across from me. "Now I'm not gonna go easy on you like Char did. I don't really do pity wins."

"Fine." I tried to sound confident and sure, but I wasn't, and from the smirk on Peter's face he knew it.

"You ready?" he asked, lowering himself into a crouch, and I nodded tensely before doing the same. "Then let's have it."

Peter was _fast_. I barely had time to ready myself for the impact before he kicked my legs out from under me and I fell with a huff to the forest floor.

"That was pathetic," he goaded. "What the fuck have you been doing with Char all this time, 'cause I know she's better than _that."_

It continued on for the next hour and a half. Peter came at me again, and again, and no matter what I tried I couldn't get the drop on him; he was too strong, too fast. It was impossible. If Peter was second best I was immensely thankful that I'd never managed to talk Jasper into this.

"You just gonna let me beat up on ya? I thought you were more determined than that," Peter spat as I tried to dodge a blow a fraction of a second too late and retaliated with an elbow to his jaw. "Better."

"Is this what you did back then?" I growled, taking another swipe at him only to be met with air. "Did you insult and taunt your charges, tear them down so you could build them up into the soldiers you wanted?"

"No, I didn't bother, because I didn't care if they lived or died," he shot back with fire in his eyes, and we both stilled our movements. "I didn't care if we won or lost, all I cared about was surviving."

My chest rose and fell with unneeded pants, I never knew it was possible to actually be tired—but every muscle in my body ached, and I fell into a seat on the grass. "Do you think we're going to lose?"

"No," Peter replied quietly as he bent his knees and sank down to my level. "I think that when it all comes down to it, it's going to be you that wins this fight for us. I don't know if it's going to be indirectly, through Jasper, or if it's going to be because you outshine all the hopes we have of your potential—but I am positive that we cannot afford to waste any more time. I will help you, but I can't be your friend in this."

"Okay," I replied, groaning as I stood, and ready to resign myself to another go. This would help us, and I wasn't going to miss the chance to learn what I needed to, even if it meant I had to deal with Peter being obnoxious; besides, I really, really wanted to punch him in the face, and this looked like it would provide me the best opportunity.

"Let's go back," Peter offered. "That's enough for today."

The wind changed directions, bringing with it the smell of Jasper, and I saw Peter's eyes widen minutely a moment before Jasper broke through the trees, his eyes sweeping between us.

"Calm down, J. She's fine," Peter replied, seemingly unfazed by Jasper's obvious anger.

"You done?" Jasper asked, directing his question at Peter while his penetrating stare examined every inch of me.

"For today," Peter replied, and I saw Jasper's jaw clench. "Char and I are heading out; we'll pick this up again tomorrow, _chiquita_."

"Sure thing, _chiquita,_ " I replied easily, wanting to rib him a little to try and cheer Jasper up.

"You think you're so fuckin' funny." And with a roll of his eyes and shake of his head Peter disappeared into the trees.

"Did he hurt you?" Jasper demanded, his gaze settling on me for good, and I squirmed under his stare as he gently pushed me back and started running his hands over my arms. He was probably looking for bite marks.

"I'm fine. Frustrated, but fine," I answered, reaching out to grab the hand Jasper had extended to pull up the sleeve of my shirt. "He's just trying to help."

"I know," Jasper exhaled, "it's just...it's going to take me awhile to get used to the idea of it. I don't like this, at all."

"Charlotte and I got to too close, she wasn't able to be tough enough. I wasn't going anywhere, how long has it been since I was able to say I made some progress?"

Jasper nodded, still looking angry, but I could tell he was coming around as he finished his quick check for any damages.

"Is it sick that I miss your red eyes?" he asked out of the blue, running a thumb under my lashes. "There was a time not so long ago when I was the only thing holding you together. I miss being needed like that."

"You know self-doubt doesn't really look so good on you," I said after a moment of deliberation. I'd tried being assuring, and I'd tried comforting him the best I could; now I was starting to think that what Jasper really needed was a swift kick in the ass. "You're the glue, Jasper. Without you none of us would be here, and we all know it. You're the one who's going to get us through this in one piece, the one who I'm going to get to spend my life with when this all over, and that's how you help me, that's how I need you.

"I think you were right, teaching me to fight...that wouldn't have been a good thing. Peter's willing to help so you don't have to treat me that way. It's a nice thing, even if he is acting like a douche bag."

"You sure you're alright?" he asked again, sounding more like himself. "Peter wasn't too hard on you? 'Cause if he was I swear I'll beat the ever lovin'..."

I interrupted his tirade quickly, "I'm fine, although it feels like I pulled every muscle I've got."

"C'mon, I'll take you home." Jasper sounded a little amused, but his lingering concern was obvious as he picked me up and swung me around to his back and started the trek back to the house.

"Do you remember the first time you did this?" I asked, laughing at the hazy memory of being so disoriented by him that I couldn't even stand up.

"God, I thought I'd scrambled your brain or something," Jasper replied with a shake of his head.

I propped my chin up on his shoulder and wound my arms around his neck, even though I didn't really need to anymore—but while some things may be different, others were the same, and I couldn't shake the need to hold on for dear life as he ran through the woods, the trees zipping by all around us.

Jasper deposited me on the couch once we reached the house, pulling off my shoes and socks before sitting next to me and leaning over to give me a kiss and pull me into his side.

"I called Leah," Jasper said, fumbling around in his pocket for a moment before finally pulling his cell phone out and dropping it on the coffee table, "she said she'll call back later."

"How are you handling all of this?"

"Better than I thought I would," he admitted.

"It'll be okay, it will. We'll get through this thing and then it'll all be over, I promise."

"I know it's just hard to remember that. I finally got you, and now I have to make sure that I get to keep you," Jasper whispered back.

"There are not enough angry newborns in the world to keep me from you," I smiled, kissing him lightly and running my fingers down his cheek.

Within seconds I was reclined against the arm of the couch, with Jasper leaning over me and giving me the thousandth best kiss of my life. I never really imagined myself to be the kind of girl who would spend hours making out with her...whatever Jasper was...in the living room, but that was exactly who I turned out to be, and to tell the truth I enjoyed it just a little bit too much.

He moved again, never breaking away as he held his weight on the arm extended over me. I got the idea and tried to move under him more, but the space was too small, and our attempts were awkward at best. A growl tore its way up his throat and he broke away from me and glared at the couch cushions.

"This is fucking impossible," he groaned, and I giggled at the frustration painted all over his features.

I pushed on his chest and he flopped down on the opposite end, clearly irked with the limited space. I folded my legs underneath me and leaned towards him, pressing my lips to the curve of his jaw and smiling. He turned his head towards mind and caught my lips, raising his hand to wrap around the top of my arm and pull me into his lap.

It was mind-boggling, how much I wanted him. I couldn't think of anything I'd ever wanted more, and I started running through all the stops I wanted to make before tumbling naked onto sheets; there were a lot, and I didn't want to miss anything—but really, I just wanted to get him out of his clothes, everything else could come as it may.

Jasper's cell phone vibrating on the coffee table interrupted his assault on my neck, and he swiped it from the surface with irritation written all over his features.

"What?"

"Very nice, Jasper. Didn't your Mama teach you any manners?" answered Leah, and even though I couldn't detect any humor in her voice, Jasper laughed. "I talked to Seth, and we talked to our Mom...um...is Bella there?"

His eyes locked with mine, silently asking if he could tell her I was, and I nodded.

"Yeah, she's here. Why?"

"I need to talk to her."

I felt my eyebrows knit together in confusion. I couldn't think of one single reason Leah would want to speak with me.

"She can hear you now."

"I know that, asshole. Just...put her on the fucking phone."

Jasper held the phone out to me, and after a moment I reached out to take it and press it against my ear. "Leah?"

"Yeah," she answered, and silence fell over the line for a full minute before she spoke again. "My Mom told me something today and I just thought...I thought you should hear this from me or Seth—but Seth got called out to patrol, so that leaves me, and it's not like I want to do this because I know we never got along, and I know you don't like me much; it's not like I was ever very nice to you anyway..."

"What happened?" I interrupted, a thousand horrible scenarios playing out through my thoughts.

"Charlie asked my Mom to marry him."

"Oh." There was little else to say, of everything I thought Leah might want to tell me this possibility hadn't even registered.

"They're really happy together, if that makes it any better," Leah continued, and I could have sworn she was actually trying to be sympathetic even though it was clear that talking to me was something she'd prefer not to do.

"When's the wedding?"

"In a couple of weeks. They're not doing anything fancy, just going out to the beach and having a bonfire."

The thought of it made me smile despite the sadness that had enveloped me at her news, it was so very Charlie. I wished so much that I could be there could see him be happy and get married, but that wasn't an option, and I knew it. "Will you take pictures for me?"

"Yeah, Seth's going to be the photographer. We'll make sure you get copies."

"Thanks."

"And after that," she said, exhaling audibly, "after that we'll talk about coming out there."

"Alright," I answered. It was too hard to get more than one word out at a time right now. I couldn't believe it, couldn't believe I was going to have to miss something as huge as Charlie finally moving on from Renee and getting on with his life.

Jasper's eyes never ceased his careful examination of my features, and when it became clear that no more would be said between Leah and I he held out his hand for the phone.

"Here's Jasper," I said, handing the phone back to him quickly, grateful for the out.

I paid no attention to the rest of their conversation, blocking it out in favor of shifting off of Jasper's lap and thinking about my Dad. He was getting married, I almost couldn't believe it, but then again I'd been surprised when I found out that he was getting close to Sue in the first place.

"You okay?" Jasper asked as soon as he snapped his phone shut, and when I made a kind of shaking and nodding gesture he reached over and pulled me to his side and wrapped his arms tight around me. "I'm so sorry you have to miss this."

"It's alright, it's just the way it is, and at least I'll have pictures, right?" I asked, desperate for him to agree with me and just tell me that everything was going to be okay.

Jasper nodded and shifted a little so I could rest my cheek on his shoulder and my forehead against his neck.

"It's a fair trade, I think," I said after a moment, letting my thoughts flow past my lips. "My life for Charlie's happiness. He probably wouldn't have gotten his happy ending if I hadn't had to leave. It's worth it."

Jasper said nothing; just started running the fingers of his right hand up and down my back. The tips of his fingers trailed a calming fire behind them, and in between lamenting the fact that I wasn't going to get to be there for Charlie on his big day and wondering if pictures and second hand accounts were ever going to be enough, I thought that maybe I just needed to let it all go.

I had a good life, and I had a good man to share it with. I wanted to move forward, not take steps back, and the sad reality was that Charlie was out of my life for good, no matter how much I wished otherwise. I'd have to be content with photos, and be grateful that I even had someone willing to give me that. I needed to pick up and move on, because I wouldn't want him to be feeling this way about me, and I knew Charlie well enough to know that I'd gotten that mindset from him.

"I hope he's happy with her," I finally said.

"I'm sure he will be."

I didn't know what else to say. I wanted to be there, I wanted to get to see him smile and laugh, and finally get all he deserved with my own eyes, and it was hard to come to terms with the fact that I couldn't. I thought that maybe I finally understood what Jasper had meant when he told me Charlie had been happy he got that last month with me.

"It's okay to be upset, Bella."

"I'm not upset, not really. I'm just a little sad," I corrected, because I was in no way displeased that my Dad had found someone he loved and wanted to be with for the rest of his life, and it was important for me to make that distinction.

Jasper nodded and didn't say anything else on the subject, just leaned forward to snag the remote off the coffee table and turn on the TV; the action made me smile a little, because I knew what movie was in the DVD player. Jasper was going to be so annoyed, he hated horror movies.

"Seriously?" he scoffed, glancing down at me. "Why do we even have this shit?"

"Emmett sent it, along with about twenty others just like it," I explained, laughing a little. I didn't know how I'd gotten so lucky that I wound up with the one guy who could pull me out of a funk in a matter of minutes.

"We need cable so bad," Jasper groaned.

"Not a chance, if we get cable you're going to constantly subject us to shit like _Real Housewives_."

"Because it's hilarious," Jasper countered.

"It really isn't," I laughed, reaching over the press the play button on the remote. It wasn't like we were going to actually watch the movie anyway, we never did—but between that and Jasper I thought I just might be able to find enough distraction to keep me from dwelling too much.

I even mostly managed to stick with that line of thinking as I stayed wrapped up in Jasper's arms all afternoon, not quite watching movies that neither of us particularly liked as we mapped out new and familiar territory with the tips of our fingers and curve of our lips—and by the time night fell and Jasper kissed me goodbye so he could go out to hunt all I could think was that I wanted him to stay, wanted him to touch every inch of me and teach me how to love with my body as well as my heart. I even wondered if the 'scenic route' was really all it was cracked up to be, or if it still counted as scenic if we drove by at ninety miles an hour.

Sure, I didn't want to miss anything, and I didn't want to blindly rush into something before I was ready—but it was hard _not_ to be ready when it came to Jasper. It was a notion that took root in the back of my head and grew in appeal over the course of the next few days, and every time Jasper didn't pull away, but didn't push forward either I solidified brewing plans to show him I wanted to press the clutch in, shift gears, and start driving just a little faster.

It was when he was out of the house one week from the day we'd confessed everything, three days after I'd given in and let him have free reign on the under the shirt action, and one day longer than I thought I could stand when I finally took a deep breath and decided to put my plans into action. I had the intense urge to chew on my fingernails as I sat cross legged on my bed waiting for Jasper to come home from his hunt. He always showered after, even though he rarely got dirty, and I had decided it would be the perfect opportunity for an ambush.

Somewhere in the back of my head I was aware that I was spending far too much time with battle plans on my mind.

It only took another ten minutes full of plotting every move I would make and answers to any question he may ask when he breezed through the door, pulling off his shirt as he walked, and I was oh so very pleased with myself for knowing him so well.

"Hey," he grinned in my direction when I unfolded my legs and stood as he dropped his shirt in the laundry hamper, and I idly noticed that we'd have to do the wash soon.

"Hey."

Jasper stared at me for a moment, presumably trying to identify what the look on my face meant. I was sure I'd never worn this expression before; I was full of curiosity and determination, a thirst for knowledge only he could give me.

"I want to try something," I said as confidently as I could manage, maintaining eye contact.

I was scared, I was nervous, and I'd never felt more alive.

"Okay..." Jasper replied, waiting for me to elaborate—but I didn't bother, he'd catch on quickly.

I looked at him, really looked at him, as I moved closer, and once I was just outside of his reach I let my eyes begin to wander over every inch of his skin.

His scars were heaviest on his neck and shoulders, which I'd already known; the raised dashes a lighter pigment than the rest of him by just the slightest degree. I took a step closer, looking back up to catch his eye and hopefully convey that I wanted him to stand still for a moment as I reached out and started tracing the scars that marred his neck and throat.

"When did this happen?" I murmured, tracing over the unbroken line that circled his neck.

"I was about a month old; let one of the others get the drop on me."

"Did it hurt?" I asked curiously as my index finger ran just below his adam's apple.

"Yes, but it was pain that was repaid in kind," Jasper replied, matching his tone to mine.

I let my fingertips travel lower, explored the hollow of his throat and the dragged my thumb to his shoulder, raising my left hand to mimic my actions on the other side. Jasper's eyes darkened and intensified by the second, and I had to drop my gaze from his in favor of watching my hands run over his shoulders and to his arms.

"This one?" I asked once I got to the place where his arm had been ripped off.

"Maria. Insubordination."

"When you let Peter and Charlotte go?"

"Yes."

"Why did you let her?" I asked, knowing that had been the case. If he hadn't allowed it to happen there would be more damage than one cleanly ripped off limb.

"I deserved it, I disobeyed," he replied, his breath catching as I let my thumbs circle his biceps and run along the insides of his arms.

There were patches nearly as heavy as the ones on his neck on his forearms, and I grasped his hands in mine, threading my fingers through his to lift his arms and turn them so I could examine them from every angle. They were strong, the muscles hard and unyielding against my hands as I travelled back up their length before moving to his chest and descending again.

He could have been made of marble, but instead of smooth and glossy he was rough and chipped at, and I couldn't help but think that even though he didn't fit into that common interpretation of perfection it was all these bite marks and battle scars that made him perfect for me. Jasper wore his pain, it was all out in the open for anyone to see if they looked close enough, and as my middle finger pressed into the indent in the middle of his chest, fingers splayed wide to cover the rises and falls of his pecs and then the very top of his stomach I mused that maybe that was what made him so scary on first sight.

Jasper's scars not only displayed his physical strength, but also his fortitude, because he was still standing, and he was still whole. He'd survived all of this, all these teeth tearing through his flesh, and it would have been so easy for him to give up.

I loved the way his muscles contracted and twitched under my hands as they went lower and lower, traced zigzags over the spattering of hair under his belly button, and I felt so incredibly empowered by the way he nearly jumped out of his skin when my thumbs swept just under the top of his jeans. When my eyes made their way back up to his he looked hungry.

A deep breath in and out in time with one of Jasper's gave me the courage to move my hands inward and pop open the button on his jeans, and Jasper's fingers wrapped around my wrists so tight that if I were human he would have left bruises.

"What are you doing?" His words were breathy and strained, and I thought maybe I should feel a little bad for taking this much pleasure in unraveling him so much.

"I don't want to spend my life looking back and wondering what could have been," I said firmly. "I'm not going to sit by and forget to actually live my life because I'm too busy over-analyzing and over-thinking every single little thing, and I'm not going to spend all my time wondering if maybe I could have done this better. This is it, this is what I want, and I'm done avoiding it.

"You've seen me; you've seen all of me. I want to see you."

It was one of those rare moments where I could actually feel him. Lust, longing, uncertainty, and a passion so pure it made my head spin sank into my wrists for the thirty seconds it took him to release me—but I barely noticed, because Jasper had this _look_ on his face, and if I'd ever had a trace of doubt that he loved me that one look eradicated it.

My fingers shook when I slid his zipper down tooth by tooth, and I found I was not at all surprised to see that Jasper had forgone underwear. He just seemed the type. I wasn't quite sure where to start, so I settled for retracing the familiar planes of his stomach, spreading out to his hips before nudging his jeans down and letting them fall to the floor.

I wanted to look, I wanted to take that first glimpse of Jasper in all his glory, but suddenly found myself unable to tear my eyes away from his. This was the moment, this was one of those things that would be permanently seared into my brain as something life altering, and I was torn between the need to feel and the need to see.

Inch by inch my hands crept closer to this unfamiliar territory, and as my breaths became deeper and fuller so did Jasper's, and in the end his nervousness drove me to push aside my own.

Oddly enough, my first thought was that Jasper had nice legs. I'd never, in my limited experience, actually seen a man whose legs weren't too big, or goofy looking chicken legs, and a giggle escaped from my throat when I realized I sounded like Goldilocks; Jasper was just right.

My second thought was that maybe taking it slow wasn't the worst idea I'd ever heard, because I was definitely going to need to work my way up to _that._

"Jesus," I muttered, and out of the corners of my vision I saw Jasper lift a hand to push my chin up to look me in the face. I honestly thought I'd be able to die happy, so long as Jasper never lost that desperately passionate look in his eyes.

My fingers circled around him, and for a second I marveled at the way the tightening of my fingers directly corresponded to the hardening of his flesh. "Show me."

He wrapped his long fingers around mine, leaning down to kiss me hard while his other hand snaked up my back under my shirt before running back down the length of me to fiddle with the hem of my pants.

"This is a little unfair," he whispered between his heavy breaths. "You have a definite advantage here."

It was amazing to feel his breath quicken on my lips, his fingers tighten around mine as he taught me how to play his body, and it was nothing short of wondrous to be able to feel his ecstasy swirl and dance over my skin as he ran another circuit between my shoulder blades and my hips before dragging his nails across my stomach and undid the button of my shorts.

"Can I touch you?"

"Oh, God, yes," I replied, so short on breath that I wasn't sure any sound had actually travelled past my lips.

I could have sworn I felt his heart pounding when Jasper trembled and came undone right in front of me, but my satisfaction at being able to put him in such a state was forgotten when he picked me up by the backs of my thighs and sat me on top of the dresser. My stomach coiled as he shimmied my shorts down and nipped lightly at my neck, and I changed my mind; I could die happy as long as the last thing I felt was Jasper pressed against me.

I'd never understood the whole baseball metaphor thing until that very moment. Not until Jasper rounded second with a delicious press and swirl of his fingers, then executed a series of well placed kisses down my body, and flat out stole third.


	20. Chapter 20

I used to feel bad for disliking Peter so much.

"The fuck do you think you're doing, _chiquita?_ Is glaring at me going to help you any?"

Now I wanted to beat the shit out of him on a near constant basis.

I understood that Peter's trash talk served a purpose, that he wasn't being rude and mean just for fun, but that knowledge didn't really help any when I was standing across a clearing from him trying to figure out a way to get the upper hand. What really pissed me off was that the asshole was always right.

He'd been right when he said I was relying too much on my strength to be effective, and he'd been right when he'd made the claim that my bloodlust wasn't something I was going to be able to just turn off so we could have this battle while I was still abnormally strong—but at least that was an area I was making strides in.

Jasper's idea this time hadn't turned out to be so bad—he just came hunting with me. The distraction he provided was more than enough to split my focus to the point where I could allow my prey to escape, right from our very first try. It wasn't actually all the surprising that we were so successful in the endeavor; it only took one look from Jasper to completely distract me from anything that wasn't him. He'd get that stormy look in his eyes and all I could think about was the way his fingers felt dancing down my stomach, the way his breath whispered against the insides of my thighs, and all the other sensations that flowed between us behind the closed door of what was now our bedroom.

Blood was so irrelevant when compared to Jasper.

The next step would be to do it without him, and after that I wasn't so sure what we'd do. Seth and Leah were coming, but Jasper seemed to want to initiate some human contact before that.

Peter made a dash for my left side, and I had to make myself focus on what we were doing. It was no good daydreaming, and Peter always seemed to be able to tell if my focus was split. I dodged his blow and moved to retaliate when his other hand hit me square in the chest and I, again, went flying through the air and landed in a crouch.

"Pay attention, _chiquita!_ "

I was _pissed._ He just kept taunting and taunting as he kicked my ass up and down the clearing we were in, same as every other day for the past week, and something inside me snapped and let loose to whip through the air in startling cracks. There was an energy swirling all around me that made the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end, and when Peter came at me again I closed my eyes and flung my arms out to block his hit, but the impact never came. I opened my eyes just in time to see Peter soaring through the air and crash into a tree, and they both fell to the ground with a crash.

"What the fuck..."

"Nice," Peter groaned as he picked himself back up. "You think you can do it again?"

"What the fuck..." I was stuck on repeat.

"Get it together, B," he called before repeating, "Can you do it again?"

"You knew this would happen?" I accused, and to my supreme annoyance Peter laughed.

"It's not my fault all you fuckers are too stupid to put even the most basic puzzle pieces together. Your shield expanded to block Jasper and Alice's gifts; that means there's a physical aspect to it now. Logically you should be able to repel attacks with it."

"I can't believe you!"

"Are you _ready,_ " Peter hissed, lowering himself once again, "or are you gonna stand there bitchin' about shit you shoulda already known?"

"Fuck you," I spat, rage whirling all around me. It was surprisingly easy to control this tornado, and when Peter came at me again I pushed it out and smiled vindictively when he went flying through the air again, only to land on top of the tree he'd uprooted the last time.

"On purpose?" he asked as he picked himself up, and just for fun I knocked him over again. "That would be a 'yes.'"

"If you tell me you've been being such an asshole to get me to do this I swear to God..."

"If you think this is me being an asshole you're even more naïve than I thought," Peter laughed, picking himself up off the ground as he talked. "I'm being hard on you because you need a push, everybody does. Don't take it personally, B."

"S'hard not to when you do nothing but insult me," I muttered under my breath, and Peter shook his head and lost some of his previously light attitude.

"You had no idea what you were getting yourself into when you asked Jasper for this, and I understand that—but it doesn't mean we're not going to do this right. That shit with Char? That was orientation; that was Jasper indulging you while he twiddled his thumbs and hoped that we'd find there was no threat and you'd change your mind—and hey, win-win, you learn to defend yourself, too.

"But there is a threat, and it's coming. Newborns are dangerous, and regardless of whatever delusions Jasper has in his head you're not going to come through this without dealing with at least one of them. In order to defeat them you have to be _better—_ better than they are, and better than you are now."

"I really just don't like you sometimes," I said after a moment.

"I know, _chiquita,_ " Peter replied with a sympathetic smile, "but hey, maybe one day we'll be friends, or even family."

A moment of understanding passed between us with his words, and I wondered if Peter ever said anything that didn't have some deeper meaning or purpose to it. He'd told me that Jasper had considered them close, but in reality they weren't, not for a while, and if I had to wager a guess I'd say that he'd told me that because he'd figured that at some point along the line he and I would find ourselves in a similar situation.

"Alright, now that you know it's there," Peter said, reclaiming his stance across from me, "keep that gift of yours reigned in."

"What?" That didn't make any sense.

"You don't get to use it with me, not until you can take me down on your own."

It was easier said than done. Now that I knew it was there, now that I understood how it worked it was almost impossible for me to stop myself, and that crucial few seconds I needed to keep my gift at bay always gave him the advantage he needed.

The hours dragged on and on, and with each charge Peter made it became easier to repel him, but the hits I managed to land on him were few and far between, and I wondered if I was ever going to manage to live up to these impossible standards he'd set for me. I was discouraged, but I was also determined to take him down, and every time I wavered Peter was back in my face, talking shit, and ensuring that no matter how badly this was going the one thing I'd remain focused on was handing him his ass on a platter.

Peter and I came back to the house at sunset, greeted by Jasper's customary growl when he saw how dirty and ripped up my clothes were. He was getting better about it, during that first week Charlotte and I had pretty much had to keep them on opposite ends of the ranch. She thought it was hilarious, I thought it was completely understandable.

Jasper followed me as I headed into our room to shower and change, leaving Peter and Charlotte with the maps strewn all over the coffee table.

"How'd it go?" he asked gruffly as I pulled my t-shirt over my head and threw it into the laundry hamper. His eyes ran over my exposed torso, just like every other time, and I wondered if his need to check me over to make sure I wasn't hurt was compulsive.

"Not so bad today. I got a few hits in towards the end," I replied proudly and I scooted my shorts down my legs and headed into the bathroom. Somehow we'd managed to reclaim our early shower routine, and it made me giggle a little every time Jasper sat on the toilet and shamelessly stared at my boobs as I hopped into the shower. "Oh, and apparently my gift can be used to throw Peter into trees."

"Excuse me?" Jasper laughed, but the tenor of it was off.

"He made me so mad that I used my shield to toss him into a tree," I explained, the experience welling up inside me and begging to be let out. "Twice."

"Holy shit."

"I went with 'what the fuck', but you know, same sentiment."

"Tell me what happened," Jasper requested after a moment of silence, and as I finished up my shower I told him all about my time with Peter out in the woods. It almost felt weird, to disclose so many details—it was something I only did with him.

"What were you and Charlotte working on?" I asked as I wrapped up my own story and turned off the water.

"Battle plans. Emmett's managed to nail down Victoria's base and most of the hunting grounds. He'll call back in a couple of days; hopefully we'll be able to decide on something concrete."

"What are you thinking?" I asked, knowing that while Peter and I had been spending most of our time trying to beat the hell out of each other Jasper had probably spent all of his time mulling over the predicament we were in.

"That we're going to have to move as soon as we get you squared away, which is going to be sooner than I'd like," he admitted as he pulled a towel off the rack to wrap around me when I stepped out of the shower, and I mulled over all the things he'd said and left unsaid as he wrapped the towel around me and pulled me close.

"She's going to make murderers out of all of us," I whispered against his chest as I tried to come to terms with the knowledge that I was, without a doubt, going to end someone's life. There was no more 'if we can find her,' 'someday when you're ready,' or 'she's probably gunning for you, too.' The times for maybes and what-ifs was expired, now there was nothing left but when.

I'd thought about it before, when it had just been Victoria I was going to kill, and even then I'd been mildly unsettled by how little it bothered me—but now there were countless unknown names and faces that went along with her, men and women whose lives were going to end sometime in the near future who almost certainly did not deserve to die.

"I already told you that all you have to worry about is Victoria, and you don't even have to do that. Just say the word and you're out of this, I'll do it for you," Jasper said quietly as he released me with a kiss on top of my head so I could get dressed.

"Peter said I'd probably have to deal with at least one of them," I argued. I wanted him to see that, to acknowledge the very real possibility that I wasn't going to be able to stay completely out of harm's way, because this Jasper who was bordering on foolishly protective was making me unsettled. I'd been so sure that he'd revert back to that same man from Forks who barked out orders and called me out when I was hindering our plans, and I had been completely unprepared for this less secure aspect of him who was having trouble dealing with the harsh reality of our situation.

"Which is why you are going to have a partner," Jasper said firmly. "Don't even try to argue, it was your idea."

"Seth?"

"They're coming next week, so yes; if we can get him up to Leah's level, you'll be with Seth."

"It'll be good to see them again," I said with a smile as I grabbed a random t-shirt from my dresser and pulled it over my head, I'd missed Seth a lot. "And we both know how much you've missed kicking the shit out of those poor wolves. When are Rosalie and Emmett going to get here?"

"Probably not until after the fight."

"They're not coming?" I asked, my heart sinking at the news.

"For now they're going to stay in Nevada to keep an eye on Victoria, make sure she doesn't make a move while we're getting ready," Jasper replied softly as he tried to catch my eye.

I had no idea what to say to that, I had been hoping our reunion would be on happy terms instead of violent ones. "That blows."

"Emmett did say something about having a 'Finally Killed That Bitch' Party, if it makes you feel any better," Jasper laughed tightly as he ran his fingers through my hair to separate out the tangles, and I giggled a little.

"That sounds like Emmett."

"He sounded pretty determined to include Seth and Leah, too, but I think that's only because he wants to get them drunk."

"Oh God," I said, my giggles turning into full out laughter. "We totally have to do that."

"Not in my house," Jasper grumbled as he took me by the hand and let me out into the recently vacated living room. "I don't want drunken wolves runnin' around and breaking all my shit."

"We can do it out in the yard," I shrugged.

"We'll see," he conceded with a kiss to my temple that sent a confusing buzzing of love skirting over my skin as we sank down onto couch cushions.

It was strange to know, without a doubt, that he loved me, and I did; I knew it beyond the shadow of a doubt. It was even stranger to actually feel it, and it wasn't that I knew him so well, it wasn't that I was looking for something that wasn't there; I could actually feel it. "Are you projecting?"

"I don't know it's been hard for me to tell for a while now."

"What do you mean?" I asked, tilting my head curiously.

"Ever since I turned you things have been different for me. I've never lived without my gift as a vampire, and all of a sudden I was...normal, I guess. I didn't have to close myself off or make sure I kept my emotions reigned in. I've been having some problems getting used to it again," Jasper answered with a dismissive shrug, and I got the sinking feeling in my gut that I hadn't been paying nearly enough attention to how he'd been handling everything.

"Has it been really hard?" If Jasper had been having problems that took precedence over whatever was going on with my shield. We'd come back to that.

"It was at first," he admitted, glancing down at me, "but it's been getting better."

"Are you going to be okay with more people here? We don't have to let them come, you know." I never would have invited anyone if I'd known Jasper was having such a hard time.

"I'll be fine," he said, bending his head to kiss my hair.

"You'll tell me if it gets bad though, right?" I asked, worried that he would try to handle everything on his own like he apparently had been.

"Yeah, I'll tell you."

"Good." It was exactly what I needed him to say. "Now, I want to try something. Don't send me anything, just project it." I closed my eyes and concentrated as I talked, waiting for something to feel...different, I guess.

That buzzing was there, that faint little rush across my skin that let me know he was putting out something, and I zeroed my focus in on it.

Love, he was sending me love again.

"Is this what you kept trying to send me when we were working on this before?" I asked, a little in awe at just how deep and complex the emotion was as it flowed over me and seeped into my pores.

"Yes."

"You must have been so mad I couldn't feel it," I whispered, and my heart absolutely ached for him. He'd sent me this so many times.

"It was frustrating," he confirmed, "but I knew you couldn't help it."

"Still..."

"What are you doing differently?" he asked, and I made myself refocus on what was going on with my gift.

"Nothing, really. It's you. When you're not bombarding me it doesn't feel as intense, I guess. It happened before a couple of times; once when we were talking about Leah and you had your hands on my legs..." I trailed off, letting myself remember the way the tips of his fingers had tapped against my shins. "Can you feel me?"

"Nothing."

"Maybe now that we have a better idea of how it works we can fix that," I offered, finally opening my eyes to see a sad expression on his face. "What is it?"

Jasper swallowed thickly and reached out a hand for mine, speaking quietly, "I think that maybe we shouldn't really focus on that too much anymore."

"What? Why?" It made absolutely no sense to just give up.

"Because from what you've said, you have more control over the physical aspect of it, and we're short on time. We have to prioritize, and when it comes down to it, it's more likely that being able to manipulate your shield in combat will be more helpful."

Jasper looked like he was absolutely dying with the words, and I had no idea how to comfort him. This was the only thing he'd convinced himself he'd be able to do, it was the only way he thought he could contribute and now it was being snatched away from him.

"How are things coming on the planning front?" I wanted to know, had intended to ask him, and this felt like as good a time as any.

"Good, we'll talk to Rose and Em again soon, and then I have to call Alice."

"Once we hammer something out with Em and Rosalie we're doing our human test run, right?"

"Probably, I really don't want to put you through that—but Peter would be there too, just in case."

"Just in case I flip out and try to massacre the townspeople?"

"Pretty much," he answered. "Don't worry about it too much; we won't let you do anything you'd regret."

"I trust you."

"You know that you probably shouldn't, right?" Jasper asked, and I knew I had to stop that shit in its tracks.

"Stop. Don't do that, not with me," I said, shifting to face him fully. "You just don't get to say that to me, at all. I trust you to get us through this in once piece, and nothing you say is going to change that."

"What if I can't?"

"Then I will be very annoyed with you; I'll steal all your fingers and hide them away for a decade as punishment," I teased even though I knew it probably wasn't appropriate—but that was just our way.

"A decade?" he whined, and I spied the beginnings of an almost smile on his face. "That's way too harsh. Even Rose wouldn't take away fingers for an entire decade."

"Seems like I'm meaner than she is."

"Never woulda guessed it."

My attempt to lift his spirits faded quickly, and in a move reminiscent of the evening this new level of our relationship began I tugged on his arm and pulled his head into my lap.

"Cheer up, sad boy," I whispered, running my fingers through his hair and tugging lightly on the ends like he did so often for me. "Is this something we need to talk about?"

Jasper lay quiet for a few minutes, and I let him sort out his response in silence as I combed my fingers through his hair and played with his fingers with my other hand.

"Peter's mad at me," he sighed with a long exhale.

"Why's that?"

"Because my head's not in the game. I don't...I don't know how to win this without being that monster again, and the last thing I want is for you to see that. It doesn't matter, not really, because if I let myself go back down that road, if I look at this situation the way I did before then there's going to be too many risks to take," he said, gaining steam.

"And _then_ when it all comes down to it who knows if any of that will actually help? It could all just fall the fuck apart like it did in Forks. I didn't think...I just haven't been thinking of what might really be out there waiting for us."

"I think we were all taken off guard, none of us expected it to be so extreme."

"Peter did, and he tried to tell me over and over..."

"Look, we can't do anything about that now. I understand that maybe you're a little shaken up, but you've got to pull it together, Jasper. I remember how you were back in Forks, with the wolves when you were getting them ready, and you know what? I kinda like that side of you, too."

"I don't want to treat you like that."

"Is that why you won't come to any of our practices?" I was certain it was. Charlotte had made more than a few appearances, mostly to observe—but her and Peter had also put on a very amusing demonstration that consisted of little more than Peter letting her beat the crap out of him; I wasn't entirely sure wasn't some sort of foreplay. I'd found it funny in a very, very disturbing way.

"Mostly I just don't want to wind up killing Peter," he mumbled under his breath, and I shook my head at him. I was starting to learn to navigate his little quirks and deflections.

"And by that you mean that's the excuse you've chosen and you're gonna stick with it?"

"Is it so wrong that I don't want to watch my oldest friend and my mate try to rip each other's heads off?" he retorted angrily, and I was quick to respond.

"No, it's really not—but maybe we can work something out to make it easier for you. I just...I don't really understand how you expect to be able to plan everything out when you don't know what all is going on."

"I'll come the day after tomorrow," Jasper conceded, pressing his lips together and screwing his eyes shut.

"What do you want to do when this is all over?" I asked, twining my fingers through his, and happily watching that smile finally cross his face.

"I want to go far, far away. South, somewhere warm. I wanna watch you run around in a bikini all day, every day."

"Are you serious?" I laughed. "I thought you'd say something like you wanted to stay here and get cable, or you wanted to go back to school, get back to normal."

"I always hated school," he groaned. "So many fuckin' people, their blood, their emotions, it was awful. I never really understood why I couldn't just be the slacker kid, the one who's graduated but refuses to move out of Ma and Pa's basement."

"You're not the type," I smiled.

"Well, you're not the type to go around stealing fingers, but hey, dreams," he retorted as he sat up and pulled me out from under him to lay on his chest as he reclined again. "Do you wanna get married?"

If my heart beat it would have stopped.

"I'm not like...asking you or anything," he clarified quickly. "I was just wondering if that was something you wanted."

I had to clear my throat a little before I could even answer, "Is that something you want? I've never...I haven't thought about it."

I felt Jasper shrug his shoulder under my cheek, and his nonchalance went a little way towards calming the raging panic his innocent question had sparked. Married? Was he _insane_?

"Honestly? I never really saw the point," he answered, and I let out a breath of relief. "It's just a piece of paper, and as far as the legal aspect of it goes it's a relatively easy one to fake—but I can see the appeal of it, especially if it's you."

"Plus you've kinda been there, done that," I said once I was sure I could talk coherently and without my voice wavering from my surprise or the curling feeling that rose up in my gut at the idea of Jasper and Alice standing in front of all the Cullens, whispering vows to each other. Of all the ridiculous things I wound up jealous over, this was probably the stupidest.

"That barely even counted," Jasper said as he drummed his fingers up and down my spine. "Alice wanted a wedding so damn bad. She just had to have the white dress and the streamers and cake, it took her years to talk me into it, and in the end it took us about five minutes to decide to divorce. The whole thing was a sham; our entire relationship was little more than fake."

"Then why did you do it?"

"We were happy together, so we grabbed on as hard as we could for as long as we were able. We knew it wasn't forever, but it was for a while, and sometimes that's okay, too."

"Can't say I'm not happy about that," I mumbled, pressing my lips to his chest before propping my chin up and smiling at him. "Means I get to keep you."

Conversation lulled in favor of feigning what I could only imagine would have been an incredibly pleasurable way to fall asleep as a human. Jasper's breaths were deep and even under my cheek, his arms tight around me as he played with the ends of my hair and drummed a nonsensical but steady beat up and down my spine, and between his comfort and the calm he projected I could almost nod off and just let the whole world fade away.

It was a confusing desire to have, this wanting for sleep and dreams, because if I were human this wouldn't have really been feasible, and if he'd never been turned I'd never have had to chance to have him—so maybe this really was just the way it was meant to be, like Charlotte had said. Almost was better than nothing, and these silly little things I missed from being human weren't worth not being here, right now, with Jasper.

Footfalls sounded out in the distance, echoing through the unnatural stillness that always surrounded the house, announcing Peter and Charlotte's return. I didn't want to get up, didn't want to move at all, but I'd had so little time with Charlotte lately.

"Have fun," Jasper said, pulling me down when I moved to get up, pressing a searing kiss to my lips that shot lightning straight through me to the tips of my toes.

"We always do," I replied, pecking him once more before standing and making my way out to the deck.

"Do I _finally_ get my share of quality time with the elusive Bella?" Charlotte asked mockingly once she caught sight of me, and I grinned right back at her.

"Darling, I've missed you so much."

It was kind of nice that we didn't have to provide excuses for our time together anymore. There weren't any more claims of practicing when everyone knew we weren't, and while she still came hunting with me sometimes, there wasn't any more pressure to present results. It hadn't actually been necessary to give excuses, we were friends, and we wanted to spend time together—but I loved the normalcy of our friendship now, even if it meant we spent less time together. It felt cleaner, more real.

"We didn't interrupt anything, did we?" Charlotte asked with a waggle of her brows as we left Peter behind in the yard and headed back out into the woods. For the life of me I couldn't figure out how Charlotte could stand spending so much time out here.

"No, nothing like that."

"Well then what's it like?" she asked as we sat side-by-side off the side of the clearing we'd used all that time ago. Charlotte turned her head and gave me a concerned look when I didn't answer her, and cautiously asked, "What's going on, Bella?"

I kept quiet for a few minutes, trying to figure out if maybe I was overreacting a little. It was possible our talk had fixed whatever was bothering Jasper, but in the end I wasn't so sure that it had alleviated my concern for him.

"I'm worried about Jasper," I said, leaning forward and resting my forehead against my knees. "This whole thing is killing him, and I've been trying to think of ways to make it easier—but the only thing that's going to help is the end, isn't it?"

"Probably," Charlotte agreed sadly. "Before we knew what was really out there, before we knew she had all those newborns you could have dropped it, and he would have felt bad that you gave it up, but he would have accepted it. Now we're stuck, we have to do something...I don't think any of us could live with ourselves if we didn't."

"But we can't act too quickly, Jasper won't let us." Stuck was the perfect way to describe the situation. We couldn't go in too soon, but the longer we waited the more stress was put on everyone involved.

"He told me about your suggestion to pair up with Seth, and I think it was a good one. That'll shave off some time..."

"How much?"

"I honestly don't know."

"I don't think he's going to be ready to do anything until he has to be," I admitted, and though it made me absolutely sick to even consider it I was starting to think that maybe we needed to do something to provoke Victoria, force her to make her move so Jasper could start to react instead of blindly plan out battles that might never happen.

"Are you sure you want to go down that road, _mi hermana?_ "

"No, but if we come up with something solid, something he can't argue with then that'll be all it takes."

"Do you have anything in mind?" Charlotte asked curiously, but I could tell that she was holding something back, and I assumed that meant she'd been thinking about this as well. Peter had been suffering just as much as Jasper, he'd been forced back into a role he'd never wanted to reacquire, and that had to be hell for him.

"Nothing good, how about you?"

"I was thinking that if we just bait her, let her catch wind of something that gives away our location then we can make her come to us—but Jasper doesn't seem too keen on that idea. He wants to go to her, have the battle on his terms."

"What exactly do you mean by bait?" I asked, even though I was sure I had a pretty good idea.

"I was thinking maybe Emmett and Rose, or the wolves...it doesn't matter, he won't ask it of them, it's too risky."

"The sad thing is that both Emmett and Leah would probably love that plan," I responded ruefully, trying to discard the idea but somehow it took hold. "If we did that then we wouldn't have to worry about my bloodlust."

"I know. We could take care of everything a lot sooner."

"Was Peter ever like this with you?" I couldn't imagine he'd had the luxury, and he'd basically said as much to Jasper during their argument.

"He tried to keep me out of direct combat as much as possible, but there wasn't much he could do. I think...I think that might have wrecked more havoc on him than anything else. He had that need to protect me, to ensure that time and again I would survive, and in the end it wasn't really in his control."

"How did he deal with it?"

"Not well," Charlotte replied darkly, and those two words held so much pain in them.

"We're just fucked, aren't we?" I groaned, letting my body fall back to the grass with a thud.

"Pretty much, but that's no reason to be so melodramatic," she chided, and I rolled my eyes up at her.

"Jasper said he'd come out to watch Peter and I spar, is that going to help _any?_ " I was practically begging her to tell me that _something_ we were doing was going to help, she was usually so optimistic, and that was something I kind of needed from her right now.

"Maybe, if you absolutely destroy him."

It wasn't what I wanted to hear, in fact, it was probably the worst answer she could have given me.

"And if I manage do that, where are you and I going to stand?" She'd have to be there, because there was no way Jasper was just going to stand idly by unless he had some support.

I opened my eyes to see Charlotte glaring at me, and the words that tumbled from her mouth were ones that I'd hoped for but still surprised me a little. "How could you even ask that? _Tú eres mi hermana_ , there is nothing that will ever take that away."

"Even if I rip off one of Peter's arms?" I asked, a hint of humor coloring my tone.

"It's not like we can't stick the fucking thing back on," she smiled. "Has Jasper called Alice yet?"

"No," I scowled. "He keeps saying he will but he never does, I can't figure out why he doesn't want to tell her what's going on."

"Probably because he's worried that you won't handle her being here well," Charlotte mused. "Or maybe he doesn't want her to know where we are while she's still with the Cullens in case Edward comes back."

"Maybe," I conceded. She made a good point, if I had a phone call with Edward hanging over my head I'd be hesitant to make it, too—and not just because I had no desire to speak to him ever again.

"What else is there on your mind?" Charlotte asked knowingly, and that was all it took for me to start the conversation I'd been wanting to have with her for days.

"I want to have sex with Jasper," I blurted out, mentally slapping myself for being unable to ease my way into the conversation.

"'Bout time."

"But I don't know if it's okay," I continued, "because we're in the midst of this huge thing, and he's not really in a good place. I'm not really in the best place either, but I know that this is something I want, and it's something I'm ready for; I just don't want him to think I'm doing it because I think I have to, or because I want him to feel better about what's going on."

"Have you considered just talking to him about it?" she asked, sounding completely exasperated.

"I like to think I'm a person who learns from her mistakes," I snapped. "You're the one who wanted to talk about boys and sex, well; I want to talk about sex. I want to talk about how I can show Jasper that I'm sure, because we both know that he's going to believe me when I tell him—but there's still going to be that nagging part of him that wonders if I know what I'm talking about."

"That's fair," Charlotte conceded, tapping her fingers against her thighs. "If you're positive, if you're absolutely sure, then I think he's going to see that—but if you have any doubts he's going to pick up on that, too. He might not be able to feel you, but he does know you pretty well."

"I am. I'm positive."

"Then that's really all you need, isn't it?"

"I...have some questions?" I asked nervously after a few quiet minutes, and Charlotte laughed lightly.

"I'd be a little worried if you didn't."

"Does it hurt?" I asked, feeling particularly childish. It didn't really matter, it's not like it would stop me if it did, but I wanted to be as prepared as possible.

"It is..." Charlotte started, seeming to search for the right word, "very uncomfortable at first. I don't really know how to describe it, but I wouldn't worry. Even if the first time is awful it gets better, and then it gets amazing," she finished with a wink.

"So, um...is there anything I should do?" I squeaked out. Now that that was out the way I wanted some advice on how to make things good for Jasper. I knew he was experienced, and no matter how crazy the notion, I was stuck worrying that I'd be unsatisfying.

"Just be into it, don't do anything you're not one hundred percent sure you're ready for. Jasper will take care of the rest, don't worry about that. Let him know what you enjoy and make sure to tell him if he does something you don't like," she said reassuringly.

"That's all well and good," I said, thankful for the advice, but a little irritated because that wasn't exactly the sort of guidance I'd wanted, "but what do I _do?_ "

Charlotte giggled for near thirty seconds before meeting my increasingly frustrated stare with a smirk and asked, "Have you ever wanted to be a cowgirl?"


	21. Chapter 21

For so many months it had felt like time was just creeping by; each pass of the sun overhead seemed to take years, it felt like I'd been living on this ranch for decades. The moment this battle with Victoria became inevitable, time started slipping right through my fingers; before I knew it two days had passed, and I honestly couldn't have said what I'd done with them.

My mind had been racing the past forty-eight hours, the prospect of having to prove myself not only to Peter, but also to Jasper thundered in my head over and over. I wanted so badly for this to go well, to provide Jasper with some level of assurance that I could handle myself with Peter so he could focus on more important matters. He was getting better about it, he really was, but I hoped that if I could best Peter today it would be the last shove necessary to get Jasper back on top of his game.

My worry was compounded by the knowledge that yesterday afternoon my Dad had stood on a beach in La Push and married Sue Clearwater—but that was something I refused to dwell on. I couldn't change it, and I wouldn't want to anyway. What I needed to concentrate on was what was about to happen in this old field.

I'd thought long and hard about cheating during our little exhibition—Charlotte thought that Jasper was only going to be appeased if I won this match, and I agreed with her, to a point. The problem was that Peter had forbidden me to use my shield, and no matter that we weren't friends and I didn't really like him all that much, somewhere along the line I'd begun to trust him. I couldn't set back whatever lesson Peter was trying to teach me just to make Jasper feel better, because in the end what mattered was that we all survive this, not that we be perfectly happy until the battle came. As long as we won we'd have all the time in the world to be happy later, and that's what I needed to focus on because I was in this for the long haul.

I was going to play fair; Jasper would know if I didn't anyway. He'd know that I wasn't supposed to use my shield and I'd only done it to look good in front of him. Of course, I still really, really, wanted to win.

I made up my mind as I took my position across from Peter in the field Charlotte and I had used to practice in. Jasper and Charlotte were positioned behind the fence for some reason, and though I couldn't imagine how a few flimsy pieces of wood would do any good if Jasper decided to come barreling over, Charlotte had been insistent when we planned this out that that was where he needed to be. She was convinced that it would somehow remove him from the situation, and in the end I just didn't have it in me to argue with her.

I took a steadying breath and forced myself to remember what Peter had told me yesterday; I couldn't allow myself to become distracted by our audience. I had to push aside the little tingles that told me Jasper had his eyes on me and concentrate on what we were trying to accomplish here, and with one last deep breath Peter and I got started.

The only noise was that of our strikes whipping through the air, of the few hits that were landed now that we'd been training together for so long, and even though I was loathe to admit it I knew that I'd improved significantly since Peter took Charlotte's position as my instructor. He kept me focused, and he kept me in line, and I was a better fighter for it.

"Fuck, she's good," I heard Jasper mutter to Charlotte off to the side about twenty minutes in as I jumped to avoid Peter's kick.

"She's done well, but what else would you expect from Peter?"

"Don't reach so high," Jasper called out right after I made a swipe for Peter and missed, and the simple fact that he was participating at all made me smile.

My next hit met its mark, and when Peter stumbled a little I took advantage of his misstep to get behind him. It was the first time I'd ever managed to get my teeth at his neck.

"Nice," Peter complimented, reaching back to ruffle my hair, and for half a second I seriously considered actually biting him before realizing that really, this is what he'd wanted out of me this entire time and it wasn't like giving me a noogie was all that rude of him.

"Thanks."

"Wanna go again?"

"Only if I get to use my gift," I challenged.

"That so cute," Peter cooed. "You think you get to make up the rules. Are you able to do anything besides knock me back?"

I reluctantly shook my head, the only thing I was able to really do was push it out in front of me.

"Maybe you should work on that first," Peter said, before nodding at Jasper. "You wanna take that one?"

"Sure." The word was casual and short, but I was sure Jasper appreciated the opening.

"Take a couple of days then," Peter shrugged at me, "we'll pick back up once you've figured out how that gift of yours works."

I nodded, a little disoriented by his easy demeanor and made my way over toward Jasper. "Okay."

"Good job," Jasper said lowly, wrapping his fingers around the back of my neck and pulling me close enough to press a kiss to my lips. "I'm proud of you."

"Thanks," I smiled against his lips, not quite ready to relinquish the feel of his relief skirting over my face. That was all the reward I needed for this accomplishment, knowing that I'd finally managed to do something to make Jasper feel a little bit better about this whole thing.

"This calls for a celebration!" Charlotte's voice boomed over the space, and she ran to my side and pulled me away from Jasper to wrap me in a congratulatory hug. "I think we should break out that Wii Emmett and Rose sent."

"No! Absolutely not," Jasper growled, and I couldn't help but side with Charlotte. I just had to know what his dislike toward that game was all about.

"It's okay, sweetie," I said condescendingly as I pulled myself from Charlotte and moved back to his side, patting his hand. "I'll let you be on my team."

It only took a short run back to the house and Peter eagerly setting up the system while Charlotte bounced in her seat clutching all four controllers before I was so torn between hysterics and an incredibly pleasant smugness that I was barely even able to sit up straight.

Jasper _hated_ this game. He sat perfectly upright and glared at the screen the entire time, continually muttering under his breath about the 'fucking happy music' and 'stupid ass bright colors' as he tried, and failed, to guide his character across the screen time and again. For some reason he just couldn't do it and he placed last in each of the four mini-games we played before he'd had enough.

"This is _bullshit_!" Jasper spat, trying to throw his controller on the coffee table only for it to rebound and smack his arm. I was so glad Charlotte had harassed all of us into putting the wrist bands on.

My amusement finally won out, and I almost felt bad for how hard I was laughing at the incensed expression on his face and his fumbling fingers as he tried to get the strap loose enough to slide over his hand before he'd apparently had enough of that, too and just snapped it. I couldn't believe it, cool, calm, and collected Jasper, who won _everything,_ was seriously throwing a tantrum over a kid's video game.

"I am going to _kill_ Emmett. I'm gonna rip him up into teeny tiny pieces and put him back together and fuckin' rip him to shreds _again!"_ Jasper hissed as he stormed toward our bedroom and slammed the door.

"It's just a game, _vaquero!_ " Peter yelled before turning off the Nintendo and leaning his head on top of Charlotte's. "Maybe he'll feel better if we crown him the reigning champion of sore losers."

"Probably," Charlotte snickered, and I let out a chuckle as well, because the truth was that it just might.

It was obvious that this game was one we'd never play again, Jasper would make sure of it, and instead of sitting around waiting for him to cool off I decided to run out for a quick hunt and a little time to myself.

It was still hard to believe, that everything I'd been waiting for since become a vampire was on the horizon, and while I'd come to terms with it a long time ago I still felt that maybe something so profound and life-altering deserved a little more contemplation. I went through it all again as I ran through the woods, trying to predict just how something like killing would change me—because I knew that there was no way I was going to walk away from it the same person.

I found the entire notion disturbing, not because I still wanted it, and not because I felt it was wrong—I was unsettled because a year ago I would never have even entertained the notion of ending a life, and I wasn't sure that my change in species was responsible for my thinking it now.

In so many ways it felt like I'd been pushed to this place. James had pushed when he broke my arm; Edward had pushed when he refused to let me be changed and when he left me in the woods. It was probably only a matter of time before I broke and started pushing back, and Victoria had been the one to nudge me over the edge. I thought that even if I had survived her attack as a human I still would have been out for her head.

As the house came into sight I quickly dismissed the negative thoughts running through my head; it was one thing to dwell on this when I was alone, but I was determined not to do it in front of Jasper. This was something we talked about enough, he already knew what I thought about it, and there was no sense in going over all of it again.

I ascended the back stairs, hoping that Jasper had gotten over his little snit and was amused to find him sitting on the couch, perfectly calm.

"What happened to the Nintendo?" I snickered, casting a glance over to the empty spot on the shelf where it had resided an hour ago.

"We don't have a Nintendo," Jasper shrugged, and I had to squeeze my eyes shut and spend thirty seconds containing my giggles.

"What happened to the one we used to have?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about." It was impressive, how certain and assuring his words were, and I thought that if he really tried hard enough he probably could have convinced me that the entire afternoon was simply a mass-hallucination, and we really never had witnessed that Jasper was just as sore of a loser as the rest of us.

"Whatever you say," I said, shaking my head and taking a seat next to him.

"Tell me more about your gift, how does it feel when you use it?" Jasper asked as he slung an arm around my shoulders and tugged me closer to his side.

"It's kind of hard to explain," I said, wrinkling my face, and wondering how we'd managed to never really talk about this before. "The first time it happened I thought it was kind of like a whirlwind, it was actually pretty easy to use once I realized it was there. After that, when Peter told me I had to keep it in I started thinking of it as more of a bubble. It's like...it's there, I can feel it if I try, all I have to do is push it out."

"Can you move it in just one direction?" Jasper asked curiously, and I shrugged.

"I have no idea."

"Let's try that first," he said, reaching down to dance his fingers along my side. "We'll start in the morning."

"Were you trying to tickle me?" I asked, raising an eyebrow in his direction.

"I was hoping it would work," Jasper frowned, and all the silent laughs I'd been trying to keep to myself ever since this morning came bubbling out.

"What brought that on?" I asked, and I could almost feel my eyes gleaming when I pieced it together. "Are you ticklish, Jasper?"

"No," he answered too quickly, and I found myself amazed for the thousandth time that he was able to vacillate between being such a skilled and horrible liar.

"Liar," I giggled, trying to get my hands close enough to his sides to test my theory only to be thwarted. Really, that was all the confirmation I needed, and I filed the information away to be used on a day he wasn't so defensive.

"Oh, just stop it," Jasper groused, batting my hands away one last time before catching my lips with his and ridding me of all thoughts except for one, and that singular notion was something that I continued to contemplate, even as Jasper's lips travelled the length of my body, all through the afternoon.

Emmett's call came late in the evening, the moment his name flashed across the display of Jasper's cell phone he stepped out on the deck and let out an earsplitting whistle before coming back inside and answering. "Hey, Peter and Char are on the way."

"Hello to you, too. How've you been doing?" Jasper's face darkened for a moment, and I waited for him to start ripping into Emmett about the presents he'd sent my way, but the outburst never came. It seemed Jasper was going to pretend the entire incident had never happened, and I figured there was no harm indulging him, for the moment.

"Well," Jasper answered, and a couple of seconds later Peter and Charlotte came bursting through the door.

"And how's my favorite newborn doing?" Emmett asked cheerfully, but even through the phone line I could hear the stress in his voice.

"Good, I finally managed to beat Peter today," I replied trying and failing to match his tone.

"What's the word Emmett?" Peter asked taking charge of the conversation, and stealing away the almost lighthearted moment I'd had with my brother. I still wasn't sure if I hated him or not for his ability to always keep my attention where it needed to be.

"We've been watching for a couple of days now—they go out in shifts, we've never seen all of them in camp, so it's not looking like we can ambush them."

"Do you have a solid count?" Jasper asked, and it seemed like he was finally starting to snap out of whatever had gotten him so turned around when it came to this matter.

'There were a couple of fights; they're down to twelve plus the two older ones and Victoria. I know you don't want to hear it, man, but this is probably a good time to strike."

"I agree," Peter nodded. "We should act before she has a chance to make more."

"It'd be easier if they were all in one place," Jasper said his words short and clipped. "If they're continually going out that gives us the advantage for the first strike, but then we have to keep an eye behind us, too."

"What if..." Charlotte spoke up, shooting a nervous glance in my direction before continuing. "What if we can lure her here?"

"We've been over this already," Jasper scowled, and Charlotte held up a hand and kept talking.

"I know you don't like it, but just listen for a minute. If we can somehow trick her into thinking she has the advantage, that she's going to come here and catch you unprepared, then that's going to improve our chances."

"You want me and Emmett to let her catch us," Rosalie stated. I hadn't even realized she was listening, and I was pretty impressed that she'd picked up on what Charlotte had been trying _not_ to say so quickly.

"Something like that."

"If she captures us and we talk she'll consider the possibility that it's a trap, and if we just let her get wind of us she might send a scout to follow instead of picking up and giving chase," Rosalie said, sounding calm as death, and I couldn't quite figure out if she was angry with Charlotte for suggesting something so dangerous or trying to work through the idea to find something that might work.

"I was actually thinking more along of the lines of you approaching her," Charlotte admitted, and every head in the house swung around to stare wide-eyed at her. "If you go to Victoria and tell her that you know where Bella is and that you _want_ her destroyed..."

"She'd still send a scout," Emmett interrupted.

"Who would not return, and then that'll be one less vamp to worry about later," Peter threw in. "It'd be one of the older ones, someone she deemed trustworthy enough to come back instead of fleeing, and it would confirm your story."

My eyes flickered over to Jasper who was sitting still as a statue; he wasn't even breathing, and I reached out my hand to cover his. "Jasper?"

"It could work," he finally said, and a slight shiver ran down my spine when I felt a flood of guilt roll off him. "Is this something you're willing to do?"

Whispers too quiet to separate into words sounded from the ear piece of Jasper's phone on the coffee table as we all sat in silence waiting for Emmett and Rosalie's verdict.

"I'll do it," Rosalie said firmly, with Emmett growling quietly in the background. "I can sell it, if she has any sense in her head she already knows I didn't want anything to do with hunting down her and James in Forks.

"I'll tell her I'm bartering Bella for my family's safety," Rosalie continued, and I had to wonder if this was something she'd ever actually considered doing, because she was just far too okay with all of this.

"When?" I asked, trying not to let on just how much I despised this plan of theirs.

"One week," Jasper decided. "Seth and Leah will be settled in; they can pick up some patrols and get some real practice."

I thought I just might be sick at that.

"And Bella," Peter added with a nod toward me that only increased the churning in my stomach.

"We'll call back on Thursday to solidify the plans," Rosalie responded firmly, and I just couldn't figure out why in the world she was so determined to do something so dangerous.

"Gimme a call sometime, Bells," Emmett chimed in. "I miss ya."

"I miss you, too, and I will," I said before the line disconnected, and I was left trying to absorb everything that had been decided on today.

"Are you okay, Bella?" Charlotte asked after a few moments of silence, and I let out a breath before shaking my head.

"I really don't like this."

"Why did you say anything?" she wondered, scooting closer to bump shoulders with me.

"Because if there's one thing I've learned in the past few months it's that Jasper is usually right when it comes to these kinds of things, Peter too. I trust them," I said glancing up at the two men as I spoke. "If they say this is the way to go, that this is how we're going to pull this off without anyone getting hurt then I believe them."

"This is our best option," Peter confirmed, nodding slightly in my direction.

"Then that's all there is. How are we going to know when they're coming?"

"We can track the GPS in Rosalie's cell phone if she's not able to check in, and if that doesn't work then we'll just use Alice," Peter responded, and it could have been my imagination, but he seemed just a little nicer.

"But Alice can't see us."

"She can see Rosalie, and when Rosalie vanishes then we'll know Victoria is coming," Jasper explained, his eyes ghosting over my features worriedly. I still couldn't figure out what his aversion was to calling her, but maybe that was a thought best left for another time.

"Looks like you and I are going to have to start putting some effort into our patrols," Peter frowned at Charlotte, and I wrinkled my brow in confusion.

"What patrols?" I asked, getting the distinct feeling that I'd completely missed something obvious.

"Seriously, _chiquita_ , what do you think we're doing out in the woods every day?" Peter asked, rolling his eyes at me.

"I thought..." I couldn't really tell if Peter was amused or annoyed by my assumption, but one glance at Charlotte's face told me all I needed to know.

"We do that, too," she snickered as she stood and grabbed Peter's arm, heading toward the door. "In fact, I think we should go 'patrol' right now."

"Yes, ma'am," Peter drawled out, and in seconds they were gone again.

"Weirdos," I muttered, shaking my head in amusement.

"How are you doing with all of this?" Jasper asked, taking a seat next to me on the floor.

"Okay, I guess. Like I said, I don't have to like it, I trust you to know what our best move is."

"We can still talk about it, you know," he offered quietly, and I nodded my appreciation.

"You seem to be doing better," I commented instead. I really didn't want to think about this anymore today, but I also had the feeling that I'd be taking Jasper up on his offer to talk about these more solid plans in the near future.

"I am," he replied with a sharp nod. "I think...it just hit me all at once, you know? I was kind of hoping that Emmett wasn't going to find anything, and all that other shit had all built up to the point where it was gonna break me; then the second you and I get everything squared away he called..."

"Yeah," I sighed, leaning my head against his shoulder. "The timing really sucked."

"Exactly," Jasper said with a chuckle.

"Day after tomorrow we're going to have guests," I said after a beat, scooting a little bit closer to him and smiling when he shrugged my head off his shoulder and wrapped his arm around me.

"I can't wait to see the look on your face when you smell them."

"It can't be that bad."

"It really is," Jasper laughed.

"Are you excited?" I asked. "To see Leah again?"

"I think you have some serious misconceptions about the nature of my relationship with her," Jasper said, pressing a kiss to the top of my head.

"I may have before, but I don't anymore. She's me, and you're Peter."

Jasper tilted his head and turned to look at me with a barely concealed expression of surprise on his face. It was getting so much easier for me to read him, and I wondered if maybe it was because he was making that much less of an effort to hide.

"That's actually surprisingly accurate."

I wrapped my arms around him and buried my face in his chest, taking a moment to just breathe in the smell of him and calm the nerves that magically appeared whenever we were ever alone together.

"These are going to be our last two nights alone in the house for a while, too," I pointed out. I'd been thinking about that all day, how all of a sudden we weren't going to have the house to ourselves every night anymore, and while I didn't really care what Seth and Leah thought of us, I also wanted our first time to be without an audience. Tonight was the night, I'd made up my mind hours ago, and if I was honest with myself all those nagging feelings of this just not being right had been alleviated over the course of the day.

"And what do you have planned for these last two nights alone?" Jasper asked, and I looked up to see a playful glint in his eyes. I should have known he'd catch on quick, we'd done little more than dance around this one thing in all the time we'd spent alone together for the past week.

"I dunno." I shrugged and stood as I spoke, trying to be coy though I didn't really know how, as I grabbed Jasper's arm and tugged so he'd do the same. "I'm sure we'll find something to do."

I turned and walked down the hall, knowing he would follow me, and stopped just inside the doorway of our bedroom. Sure enough I felt his arms wrap around me a moment later, and a hurricane of anticipation let loose within me. He moved his mouth along the line of my neck, kissing and nipping at my skin, and I threaded my fingers through his against my stomach and leaned into him.

"You sure about this? It's not something you can take back," he whispered, his breath ghosting over my nape. The simple feel of him was incredible, so much more intense than anything I could remember from my human life, and for a moment I wondered what this would have been like if I were still human. It didn't matter, regardless, and this way was better—Jasper wasn't going to have to worry about containing himself, and I wouldn't have to be concerned about how he was faring.

I leaned my head back against his shoulder, pressing an open mouth kiss against his jaw and closed my eyes as the thought completed; this was how it was supposed to be, it really was. All that pain and heartbreak was nothing more than stepping stones that led me here, and the only thing I could think of to describe this moment was that it was completely worth it.

"I'm sure."

I was nervous, butterflies fluttered through my stomach, but I had confidence too. Jasper and I had taken the time to get to know one another, and I was acquainted with the lines of his body. I knew just how to scrape my fingernails down his chest if I wanted him to growl and step up his game, and he knew the exact way I would soften my kisses and run my hands over his face if I needed him to slow down. We were ready.

Jasper nosed my loose hair out of the way and breathed against the nape of my neck, and I reached my arms up, wrapping them around his neck, holding him to me. My breath was already ragged, short and shallow. I wanted to breathe him in, to feel the traces of his scent bounce around in my lungs. His fingers slipped under the hem of the simple t-shirt I was wearing, the pads pressing gently against my stomach as he drew it over my head. I had to relinquish my hold on him for a moment, and spun around to face him.

I traced all the scars I could reach as I tugged his shirt out from his jeans and pulled it off, and Jasper let out a clipped chuckle.

"What?"

"Nothing, it's nothing," he answered, but he had a strange look in his eyes, and the soft repressed chuckles became full out laughter in seconds.

" _What_ is so funny?" I hissed, jabbing him in the chest with my forefinger. I was completely flabbergasted by his abrupt change in demeanor, and more than a little furious with him.

"I'm sorry," he laughed, grabbing my wrist to keep me from poking him again. "I'm so sorry, it's not you. I just...I don't know what to do."

"Huh?" I gaped at him, so incredibly confused by what was happening. Sure, I had no experience with sex, but I was positive that this wasn't supposed to be part of it.

"It's different, with you," he explained, finally calming his laughter. "I don't have my gift, and it's never...it's never meant this much."

"It's not like I'm gonna know if it's terrible," I grumbled, rolling my eyes, but feeling myself softening toward him. It actually made me feel a lot more at ease to know that Jasper was nervous, too. "Just...don't laugh at me, okay?"

"I wasn't laughing at you," Jasper promised, leaning down to softly press his lips to mine twice before I took the initiative and threaded my fingers through the hair at his nape and deepened the kiss.

All humor and irritation was forgotten as we stood there for a moment, just touching, kissing. I knew Jasper wouldn't dare escalate the intensity, it was up to me. I walked backwards, just a step at a time, and he took steps too short for his frame to follow. I wanted to savor this...this wonderful feeling of completion and passion and be able to believe for however long I was granted that everything in the world was going to be okay, that we were exactly as we were supposed to be.

It was too soon and not quickly enough that my thighs touched the soft comforter of the high set bed. I wrapped my arms around Jasper's shoulders; again tracing the contours of scarred flesh left behind from another life as he lifted me and set me on the edge. I found myself breaking our kiss to take an unnecessary breath, wanting to smell him, to catalogue this moment with each of my senses so I could recall it again and again.

" _Te quiero más que nada,_ " he breathed into my ear, sending a shiver down my spine. The way the language rolled off his tongue, the emotion he put behind the words that wasn't always present when he spoke English...it seeped through my skin. I wanted more, needed more of him.

I leaned back, my legs hanging off the edge of the mattress and dangling above the floor, pulling him after me, and he braced his forearms on the mattress on either said of my head. In all my years I'd never felt so small and so very grown. His lips slid across my cheek back to my mouth, and I opened to him as I marveled at the knowledge that this was really about to happen.

I moved one of my legs to the outside of his thigh and he ground into me just a little bit, but it was enough to ignite a fire in the pit of my belly. His hands moved against my ribs, under my tits, down my arms and then back again. My fingers fumbled with the button and zipper of his jeans before his lips and tongue travelled south, and I pulled the leg still between his out so he was lying right against me. I lifted my feet to push down the legs of his pants, trying to pull the button-fly of my shorts open as I went. It was more difficult than I'd imagined it would be.

"Wanna give me some help here, cowboy?" I grunted, unable to concentrate on both tasks while he was doing _that_.

"My apologies, ma'am," he said with a smirk as he snaked his fingers through the belt loops of my shorts and pulled them down, standing upright for a moment to take them from around my knees, his jeans pooling on the floor a moment later.

I pulled him back against me, missing the familiarity of his weight, and I wrapped my legs around his hips, dug my heels into the backs of his thighs as his arms wrapped around me so he could lift me and position us better on the bed. Somewhere in the back of my mind the anticipation was rising to near panic levels, but I paid it no mind. I was scared, I was nervous, but that was to be expected. All that mattered was that I loved him, I trusted him, and I wanted to share this with him.

Jasper's lips met my skin again, and he slipped a hand under the waistband of my panties and with one press and flick of his fingers my head slammed back into the pillow, a long and deep moan sounding from the depths of my soul.

"If you want me to stop, all you have to do is say so, okay?" he breathed against my ear, and I nodded my head as I lifted my legs to allow him to pull the last remnants of fabric away from my body.

I sighed and turned slightly to brush my lips against his. "I love you."

He pressed into me, and for a moment it was okay...and then I felt myself begin to stretch against him. I couldn't describe the feeling, it was _too much_ and I began to panic because it felt like he was ripping me to pieces.

Jasper halted his progress immediately, curling his arms undermine and pressing his chest to me. "It's okay," he said quietly in my ear. "I can stop if you want..."

"No!" I gasped, and I had to struggle to keep my breathing under control. "I just need a second. _Shit_ , Jasper."

He chuckled quietly, and pressed forward just the slightest bit, and it wasn't so bad. I gulped the air into my lungs and nodded at him.

"Just, go slow. Please," I begged him and he slid further into me.

I felt like I was overflowing, like I was going to explode. He was inside me, and I'd never grasped what that meant until I actually felt it.

Jasper was sucking in air between his teeth, jaw clenched, eyes closed. I flexed my hips upwards experimentally and a rumble ran through his chest as he reciprocated. His hand gripped the back of my neck, pulling my face towards his and I was lost in the heat and intoxication of his kiss. I barely noticed when he pulled back and pushed in a little further.

I grasped his arm tightly when the next push came, and this time a sliver of pleasure came with the uncomfortable feeling of being too full.

Jasper moved his face so he could nuzzle my neck and I heard him moan, " _Tu eres mi luz en la oscuridad,_ " before taking a deep breath and finally seating himself within me.

I took a minute to catch my breath before I moved again; trying to tell him I was ready for more. On the third thrust something shifted, Jasper hit some spot deep inside of me and the ' _too much'_ faded, replaced instantly by ' _more'._

"Fuuuuck..." I groaned, because now this was starting to feel really good, and if it kept getting better soon I wasn't ever going to want him to stop. The muscles in my abdomen flexed, my legs squeezed his hips tighter, and my feet planted themselves on the mattress so I could thrust back.

My hand moved from his arm to the back of his head and I guided his mouth back to mine, needing to feel him everywhere. Jasper managed to get both of his hands wedged between us, the fingers of one brushing against my belly before he moved his thumb to rub small slow circles over my clit in just the right way.

He held his weight on the other side, his palm resting on the flesh directly over my dormant heart, " _Mi corazón late en tu pecho,_ " he said with his lips still against mine as shock waves spiraled out from where he touched me. My toes curled involuntarily, his name fell from my lips, and in a moment he was right there with me.

The world fell apart around us and spiraled out of control as everything he felt poured over my skin and seeped into my bones—and though I wasn't really trying, I was sure I'd never be able to come up with words that could describe this feeling. The waves calmed and subsided eventually, Jasper's lips touching mine lightly as we breathed deeply, exhaling across one another's faces. My brain was short circuited, my tongue unable to form words; the only thing I could do was keep breathing, keep inhaling his scent and praying this moment would never end. This is what all those books were talking about, what I'd longed for and had been looking for in all the wrong places. This closeness, this feeling of being one.

It took awhile to get my bearings again; Jasper's head was now lying next to mine on the pillow. He rubbed the tip of his nose lightly across my ear with his eyes closed, a soft vibration running through his chest. I turned my head into his and kissed his lips lightly and thought of everything I loved about him, everything he'd done for me. A slow, lazy smile spread across his face and he kissed the corner of my mouth just like he'd done the first day he'd told me he loved me before reaching an arm under me to pull my back to his chest.

Cuddling with Jasper was my new favorite thing in the world. With his arm slung over my side, lips kissing my neck, and fingers interlaced with mine it felt like there was nothing else in the entire world; there were no problems, no conflicts, just us. I could stay like this for years.

Something had changed in the past half hour or so, I could feel it in the way Jasper's hand held on to mine a little tighter than before, and the way he'd curled his other arm under me to press closer. I could almost hear the gears in his head turning, and I figured he was trying to find a way to talk about whatever it was that was on his mind, so I closed my eyes and waited for him to sort it out while I idly ran the fingers on my free hand up and down his arm.

"I'm scared," Jasper whispered against the skin on my neck after a few more minutes of silence. He could have elaborated, but he didn't, and there was no need to. Those two words held so much meaning; it was a confession of weakness, an offer to open up, and a plea all rolled into one. A little part of me wished that I didn't understand all the little pieces of those two simple words so well.

Jasper didn't do scared, he just didn't, and that was something that had kept him alive and safe for decades. It seemed that now that he had something to lose he didn't know how to handle it, didn't know how to find a balance within himself that would ensure he could keep hold of everything that was riding on this one encounter.

It was in that moment that I realized that I might have to choose between revenge and love—because killing Victoria myself meant Jasper suffered, and he couldn't function like he needed to. Peter was right, if he had to focus on me instead of the fight we were going to lose. It almost felt like I got a little piece of the old me back when I admitted just how easy this decision was to make.

"Will you kill her for me?" I asked quietly, and though the words stung a little as they rolled off my tongue, I knew this question was one that had to be asked.

"No," he whispered back, shaking his head and skimming his nose over my nape. "You're only asking because you think it's what I want, and I'm not interested in manipulating you into giving up your plans. You need to end this yourself, and no matter how much I don't like it I'm still going to support you in that."

Jasper kissed the blade of my shoulder and tightened his fingers around mine as he spoke, and my mind boggled at his response. I'd thought he'd jump at the opportunity, and even though I didn't particularly want him to, it was a concession I was willing to make for his sake. I supposed it was why were so good together. Despite all the hurdles; he let me work things out on my own, and he let me have that side of myself that sometimes had the need to sacrifice for others—but he never took it, never let me give him what I didn't want to.

"Then what do we do?" I asked, frowning a little. It was unacceptable to put him through all this stress; we had to find some way to compromise.

"I don't know. I just...I wish I didn't have to consider the possibility of losing you every time I think about this mess." His words held a tinge of bitterness to them, and it felt like another piece of the puzzle snapped into place.

"Do you think I'm not worried about that, too?" I asked, trying to keep my voice impassive but probably failing miserably.

Jasper shrugged his shoulder against mine, kissing a little higher, and I let out a sigh. I'd been so stupid not to realize that he might be bothered by my determination to keep it together when it came to the idea of the man I loved standing opposite a dozen hostile vampires, and now that I thought about it, my asking to pair up with Seth and not him couldn't have helped either.

"I'm scared, too. The thought of you against that many newborns...no matter how many people you have on your side; it's absolutely terrifying—but you say you can do it, and I believe you. No matter how much I want to be with you during this entire thing I know that they can't win without you, and in order for this to be over we have to make sure Victoria doesn't escape."

"It's odd," Jasper murmured with lips against my skin, "to be trusted."

"When you say things like that it makes my heart break just a little bit," I replied with a sad smile, raising the hand he grasped to my chest to lie over the spot where my heart used to beat. "How many can Peter take?"

"Probably three," Jasper answered, catching on to what I was asking. "Charlotte will get one or two, Leah...maybe two; she works better when she's paired with Seth. Emmett can get two, easy, possibly another, same for Rose. I'm not so sure about Alice, she relies on her gift too much to be an effective fighter without it."

"So even if you and Seth switched they might not be able to pull it off," I realized as I tallied up the numbers in my head.

"If they did they wouldn't come out of it unscathed, but I'm still almost tempted to risk it."

"How many could Edward take?" I asked, feeling awful because I knew calling Edward in would be nothing more than using him to gain an advantage, but it was something I was willing to do. I wasn't even sure if it was a trade-off that would work; the problems Edward might bring could completely counteract the peace of mind Jasper would gain from knowing that we'd be together during the fight—but Jasper's reaction would tell me if this was a horrible idea.

"He's pretty good," Jasper admitted tightly, hugging me a little bit closer. "He could get two or three, as long as his gift works around you."

"If we call him, if he comes here...are you going to hurt him?" I already knew the answer. Jasper was still furious with Edward over what had happened back in Forks, and he'd told me in no uncertain terms that a reunion with Edward would not be a happy one.

"Yes."

"If I asked you not to?"

"Then I will settle for making him as miserable as I possibly can," Jasper answered the sound of a tell-tale smirk in his voice.

"If anybody gets to hit him, it's me," I decided, choosing not to try and figure out exactly what Jasper meant by 'miserable'.

"Can I watch?" Jasper asked, shifting his weight and leaning over to relocate his slow and sporadic kisses to my jaw.

"What am I gonna get if I let you?" I asked playfully, turning onto my back and running my fingertips down the length of his torso.

"I'll let you play with those handcuffs you keep trying to hide in the back of your dresser," Jasper offered with a glint in his eye.

"How do you know about those?" I gaped, and I could have sworn I felt the heat of a blush rising in my cheeks.

"You never do the laundry," Jasper snickered.

"Because you always go through and re-fold everything!" I protested. It was a habit of his that annoyed the hell out of me. He had to have everything folded in just the right way, put in the drawers in the correct places, it was insane. After the first two loads I'd given up, and ever since then Jasper had been in charge of doing the wash.

"Not my fault that you fold 'em wrong," he teased back, and I rolled my eyes.

"You can watch if I decide to smack Edward around," I agreed, smiling a little because in all honesty those handcuffs had been taunting me ever since Emmett had sent them.

"Then I'll talk to Peter about it, and we'll give him a call," he breathed into my ear with dancing fingers over the curve of my hips. "Now shut up about that stupid boy, it's ruining the mood, and we've only got another twenty-eight hours left."

"Very true," I smiled, and I pushed on his shoulder to get him to roll onto his back, his arm still around my waist carrying me along. This was good, the teasing meant the dark part of the conversation was over, and I snuggled into his chest and ran my fingers along his ribs.

I was in heaven, I was sure of it, and a thought came to me less than a second before I asked it.

"Is this the green light?" I wondered, turning my head to see Jasper looking back at me blankly for a moment before the corners of his lips curled upward.

"How do you remember that?"

"That night meant a lot to me," I said with a soft smile in his direction. He'd told me before what that evening full of conflict and turmoil had been to him, but I'd never really told him how much I appreciated it.

"Well then, I don't know. The green light is the future, yeah?"

"I always thought it was optimism, happily ever after...that life you wish you had." That's what I wanted it to mean, anyway.

"How is that not the future?" Jasper challenged, and I shook my head at him.

"It's more complex than that, and you know it. Life...it's full of hope and heartbreak, love and comfort..."

"Car crashes and floating dead in swimming pools?" he asked playfully, and I laughed a little at him. He was baiting me, and I didn't mind at all.

"Do you think that's more or less tragic than a life of bloodlust and vengeance?"

"More, in the end Gatsby doesn't get the girl," he murmured.

"Very true," I commented, waiting for Jasper to continue his analysis.

"But he believed, and I think in the end that's what was important. He wanted to think that this bright and idealistic future could exist for him, even after everything that had happened."

"You don't get to be Gatsby," I protested half-heartedly. "If you're Gatsby that makes me Daisy, and I'd never be like that."

"No? You don't see the similarities?" he asked, his words becoming serious. "You were very nearly trapped in a relationship that could have wound up much like hers. What would have happened if Edward had turned you? We're mates, that's something that can't be changed or ignored, and though I'd like to think better of him, you and I both know that he'd never allow us to have any sort of relationship, friendly or otherwise."

I thought that he was probably right, I'd narrowly escaped a future I wouldn't have wanted in so many more ways than I'd assumed. Right then and there I changed my mind; my green light was Jasper.

"I thought we weren't talking anymore," I smirked, letting my legs fall to either side of his hips and raising my arms to his shoulders.

And this time there was no awkwardness, no laughter and no uncertain movements. There was only me and Jasper, and love skirting over my skin in the moonlight.


	22. Chapter 22

Peter and Charlotte wisely chose to stay away from the house over the next couple of days, reappearing on the morning of Seth and Leah's arrival. They burst in the door without so much as a courtesy call to tell us they were back with an obnoxious amount of groceries in tow, claiming that it was a good thing they were around, because otherwise Seth and Leah would have starved. I was just thankful that by some miracle Jasper and I had already gotten dressed.

Charlotte recruited me to help her unload the food, insisting that Peter had been absolutely no help at the store and was sure to be even less help in the kitchen, and as we filled the cabinets and refrigerator I wondered if I would still be able to cook as well as I used to. Everything smelled different now, and Charlotte assured me that it all tasted horrible—but Esme had always managed just fine, so I thought that maybe I'd be able to as well. I felt a little bad about planning to test out my surely diminished culinary skills on Seth and Leah, but I didn't remember them being picky about their food, so I figured it wouldn't matter very much if whatever I prepared turned out to be sub-par.

Less than an hour later Leah called to let Jasper know they were nearly here, and with nothing better to do the four of us meandered out front to wait for them. I'd been surprised when I learned that Jasper had given Leah directions, I half-expected that he'd come up with some ridiculous plan involving blindfolds and three changes of vehicles to keep our location secret—and while that would have been funny, and I would have teased him for ages over it, I liked this way much better. Seth and Leah being able to make the journey themselves meant Jasper didn't have to leave to lead them in.

"We should have tested your bloodlust before this," Jasper said with a wary glance in my direction as he moved to stand a little bit closer, keeping his eyes trained on the trees to our right.

"Just keep me back," I whispered. No matter how well things had been going on this front the truth was that none of us knew how I was going to react to the sound of a beating human heart. I wanted to believe that Jasper had prepared me as well as he could for this without direct exposure to humans—but that was a difficult pill to swallow. Instead I chose to trust in the certainty that even if I lost it he'd keep a hold of me.

It was yet another case of digging me into a hole before I was certain I could crawl out of it. I'd been doing very well on this front, every time Jasper took me to hunt it was easier and easier to ignore the call of blood rushing through the forest—but these were our friends, and it suddenly felt so very wrong to test my restraint on them.

"You'll be fine, B," Peter said in a rare showing of sympathy, "and if you're not we'll deal with it."

The telltale rustling of wind whipping through the trees met my ears, and I took a deep breath of fresh air and gritted my teeth, completely unsure of what I was about to be met with. Jasper grabbed onto my upper arm hard, and shifted in front of me a bit just as darts of silver and sand raced behind the cover of tree trunks.

Their scent wafted over in the breeze, and for a second I was so distracted by the certainty that I was about to vomit that I barely even noticed Seth and Leah had broken through the trees and were heading our way.

Jasper had never managed to accurately describe the stench that emanated from the wolves, it was positively awful, and it got worse the closer they got. Every beat of their hearts made me want to take a breath in and pounce, but the second I gave into the impulse I was absolutely nauseated. It was horribly contradictory, this swaying forward and stepping back, and I was starting to think that it actually was possible for vampires to get headaches.

I managed to get a hold of myself enough to realize that I needed to stop trying to hold my breath. Their smell was the only thing that kept me from lunging, and I'd rather deal with the stench than constantly waffle back and forth.

Seth and Leah each had a duffel bag slung over their shoulder, and I laughed quietly to myself when I realized that they both had the exact same haircut. I would have felt bad for Leah, having to wear her hair so short, but the truth was that it looked good on her.

I thought that Seth had probably gotten taller, but I couldn't be sure. All my best memories of him had been from sitting around in the baseball clearing, we hadn't really had any moments while standing up—but it was difficult to believe that he'd always been that big. Leah's stance was more familiar for some reason; she was still all hard lines and tension rolled into her muscles, with a scowl cast permanently across her face.

Leah gave a slight nod to Jasper as they strode closer, but sneered in Peter and Charlotte's direction while, in contrast, Seth simply smiled and offered a half-wave to all four of us.

"You alright there, Bella?" Seth asked, sounding concerned as he came to a stop a few yards away, Leah doing the same next to him.

"I'll be okay," I choked out. "I just can't believe how much I _don't_ want to eat you. Jesus, you smell _awful._ "

"Well you don't smell all that great either, sweetheart," Leah cut in with a sarcastic eye roll and huff.

"Ignore her," Seth advised Peter and Charlotte with a teasing grin. "She not the nicest person in the world. I'm Seth, and this ball of sunshine is Leah."

"Peter."

Charlotte was nicer in her introduction, allowing the corner of her lip to curl upward slightly as she stated her name and went through the social niceties of 'It's good to finally meet you' and 'I've heard so much about you,' but I knew her too well, and I could tell that she wasn't all that pleased with our company, though most of that animosity seemed to be directed at Leah.

"You still in shape?" Jasper asked, once the formalities were out of the way.

"Of course we are," Leah replied, sounding mildly offended.

"Good," Jasper nodded, and with another cautious glance at me he continued, "Maybe we should catch up out back."

I completely agreed; there was no way I was going inside the confines of the house with them right now if I could help it.

"C'mon, Bella," Charlotte said softly, wrapping her hand around my wrist, and I looked at her face to see her nose wrinkled and lips pursed much like I imagined mine were. It seemed I wasn't the only one who was going to need to adjust to the smell of the wolves.

Jasper relinquished his grip on my arm, and pressed a kiss to my temple that sent shivers down my spine. "You're doing just fine, _mi querida._ "

"Still just friends?" Seth asked with a smirk and waggle of his eyebrows.

"Not really," I smiled back at him, feeling just a little bit smug.

"'Bout fucking time," I heard Leah mutter behind me, and Jasper shook his head before stepping away and letting Charlotte lead me around the side of the house to the deck.

I leaned away and snapped my teeth shut when Seth took the seat next to me, while Jasper reclined on my other side. No matter how bad Seth smelled I still had the intense urge to bite him, and I had to direct my thoughts to something else immediately, because if I let myself start thinking about that then this was going to end in bloodshed. I gulped down a breath, welcoming the sickening feeling that curled in my stomach, and resigned myself to suck it up.

"Get over yourself, step-sister," Seth chided playfully. "You smell just as rank, but we gotta get used to it."

"I know," I sighed, and Jasper's fingers closed over mine in a gentle squeeze. "So, what's been going on with you guys since the last time I saw you?" I cringed a little when I realized that the last time I'd seen them had been in my backyard the day I'd died.

"Tons," Seth replied easily. "We wanted to fill you in so bad, but Sam ordered us not to."

"What changed?" I asked, angling my head so I could see him better.

"Jacob made him lift the injunction," Seth shrugged, and my heart ached a little at Jake's name.

"How's he been?"

"Good, good. He's been working, found himself a girlfriend. Honestly I think that even though what went down was really shitty it was good for him," he answered with a sad smile that was just a little too grown up for his face before continuing his explanation. "After the fight Sam wanted to give chase, but Jacob overruled him. He said that he'd given you permission, and that if Sam didn't like it he'd take his place as Alpha."

"Jacob's Alpha?" I asked, sure that I'd somehow heard him wrong.

"By blood, yeah—but Sam shifted first, and Jake didn't want that kind of responsibility. He let Sam keep the position, but he can step forward whenever he wants."

I'd had no idea; Jacob had never told me that. I was touched that he'd considered taking up a post he didn't want to keep Jasper and I safe, even after all the problems we'd had, and I found myself wishing that I'd been a little nicer to him during those last few weeks in Forks.

"When Leah stopped phasing things got pretty rough. Jared, Paul, and Sam were angry about it, but the rest of us couldn't really see why it mattered. There were no vamps around, and our pack is freakin' huge, so who cared if we lost one?" he continued, rolling his eyes as he spoke.

"Were they okay with you guys coming here?" I didn't want to cause even more problems with The Pack than I already had.

"No, but they kept their mouths shut. It's not like they could have stopped us," Leah cut in.

"Yeah, between Jacob's ultimatum and the fact that they're all scared shitless of Leah here, there really wasn't too much of a problem," Seth snickered, mussing Leah's hair as she glared at him. "Anyways, after the first time Leah slipped Sam found out that she'd been talking to Jasper, and he ordered us not to tell you anything that didn't directly affect you. Jacob got him to lift it before we left."

"Wow," I breathed. I hadn't really given much thought to the aftermath that would have followed our flight from Washington, but I was sure that if I had I never would have come close to predicting the events that had unfolded.

"Anyway, we've got pictures of the wedding," Seth continued, completely unaffected by how his recollection had affected our group. "Wanna see them?"

"Yeah," I answered, squeezing Jasper's fingers as I took a steadying breath that wasn't nearly as calming as I'd hoped it would be.

"It was really nice," he said as he leaned down to dig through his bag for a moment before extracting a photo album, opening it to the first page and setting it so the spine rested between us.

There were dozens of pictures, of the ceremony, of the bonfire I had to assume served as the reception, and of Charlie. Charlie was smiling and laughing, and he looked happier than I'd ever seen him. His eyes sparkled in each and every photograph, and I flipped through the pages of the photo album mutely, taking in this other side to my Dad that I'd never gotten to see in person.

There were pictures of The Pack, too, and I idly traced their faces, missing them more than I thought was possible. I found a candid shot of Jacob and Billy, their postures nearly identical as Jacob stood next to Billy's wheelchair and they looked somewhere to their right with small smiles, and then a picture of Charlie, Sue, Seth, and Leah all standing together. It made my chest ache, but not in a bad way. It was the feeling of knowing that even though it had hurt all of us maybe things had turned out for the best.

Everyone looked happy, my Dad looked happy, and there was nobody who deserved that more than he did.

"Thank you," I whispered, turning the page again to find a picture of Sue and Charlie looking out toward the water.

"We have a videotape, too," Seth said quietly. "Jasper thought you might like that, so you could be there in some small way."

"Really?" I asked, my eyes darting between the men at either side of me. "There's a tape?"

"Yeah, you wanna watch it now?" Jasper asked, and I shook my head.

"Later, we'll watch it later." I didn't think I'd be able to keep it together, and I kind of wanted some privacy for that.

"You gonna give me a tour?" Seth asked, and my eyes snapped to his at the happy tone he'd adopted for his question only to find his eyes contradictorily sad.

"Sure." It was obvious he was trying to distract me, but in truth I needed it.

"Want me to come with you?" Peter asked with a stern look in his eyes, and I nodded. It was better to have back-up, just in case, and I had the feeling that Jasper probably wanted a better report of what had been happening from Leah.

Peter stood stiffly, and I couldn't help but take the opportunity to knock him out from between Jasper and Charlotte with my shield, I'd been waiting to do that for hours. Jasper laughed to my right, and on my left Seth let out a low whistle before asking, "What the hell was _that?_ "

"You didn't have to do that, B," Peter muttered, ignoring Seth's question as he picked himself up off the ground. "Though I'm pretty surprised you two got around to doing anything that might be considered constructive over the past couple of days."

I shrugged my shoulders and stood, pulling Jasper up with me. "Didn't want you making cracks 'bout my Mama again if we started back up and I hadn't made any improvements."

Truthfully, once I figured out how to expand and contract the bubble around me it was easy to manipulate. Jasper and I had experimented with it a few times over the last two days, and it seemed to simply be a matter of directing this strange energy. I'd knocked over chairs, pushed him off the bed...gotten distracted...

"Get your mind outta the gutter, B," Peter snapped, and I glared at him as angrily as I was able. How in the hell did he always know?

"This is going to be so much fun," Seth snickered to my right, "but seriously, what the hell was that?"

"I'll explain during our tour," I offered, and leaped over the edge of the railing, wanting to show off just a little bit. I turned back to see Peter and Seth following, using the more conventional method of the stairs, and after a moment Charlotte clamored to her feet and followed, sparing a dirty look for Leah on her way out to the yard.

Peter and Charlotte were nice enough to give us some space, but it was obvious that they were making sure to stay close enough to interfere if something happened. I thought that maybe it wasn't needed, as long as I kept breathing I was able to overrule the desire to drain Seth dry, thankfully—but I appreciated the support all the same.

"So, you and Jasper, huh?" Seth asked casually, shoving his hands in his pockets as we walked.

"Yep," I confirmed with a nod and smile. "What did Leah mean when she said 'about time?'?"

"Oh please," he laughed. "It was so freaking obvious by the end, that dude loves the shit out of you."

It was kind of nice to hear it from someone else.

"So tell me, what was that telekinetic super-hero mojo you pulled out back there?"

"I have a gift," I bragged with a cheeky grin.

"No shit, s'pretty cool," Seth said excitedly, and it was so great to get to gush about it with him.

"Peter and Jasper call it a shield; it was there when I was human, just different. Now it's...solid? I don't really know how to explain."

"You totally have to show me how it works sometime," he grinned, and I nodded with a smile of my own.

"Peter and I have been training together, you should come and watch."

"He'll be joining us," Peter called out from behind me, and I spun around and walked backwards for a moment.

"Really?" I asked, and to my side Seth, for some reason, began laughing.

"Yep. Jasper wants to make sure he's in good form if he's going to be with you during the fight." I stilled my steps for a moment, wondering if maybe I should tell Peter that Jasper and I had discussed switching things around.

"Okay," I agreed, deciding to say nothing for now, before I turned to Seth and scowled, "What exactly do you find so funny?"

"I just can't believe you didn't fall over when you twirled around like that," he snickered, earning him a light smack in the arm.

"Fuck! Ow! Shit, Bella!" he yelped, and I immediately felt terrible. I hadn't thought I'd hit him all that hard. "Damn, you sure do pack a punch now, don't ya?"

Seth was smiling as he rubbed the spot I'd hit him, and I bit my lip and squeaked out, "I'm sorry! I didn't mean to..."

"It's alright, just didn't expect it is all." Seth shook his head and kept walking, "So catch me up, what's been going on out here?"

We talked aimlessly for the next hour as I pointed out the few landmarks and I brought him up to speed on what had been happening with us, and as Seth and I concluded our tour we were met with the sight of Jasper and Leah still sitting on the deck, their backs to us, talking in low voices.

"I don't want to ask this of you, but I have to," Jasper said solemnly, and Leah jerked her head from left to right.

"I know, but there's nothing you could say that will keep me out of this fight. I agreed to your terms, I'll play nice with your red-eyed buddies, but if I gotta do that then I'm damn well going to get to kill at least one bloodsucker."

"Just so you know this isn't why we asked you here."

"No, you asked me here because your girlfriend feels sorry for me," Leah spat, and I thought that maybe she was trying to seem more put out than she was.

"Maybe a little," Jasper conceded, and if I hadn't been eavesdropping I might have been irritated with him for misunderstanding my motives—but all traces of annoyance vanished at what he said next, "but mostly she did it for me."

"Damn right I did," I said, announcing our return. In any other situation I probably wouldn't have let on to the fact that we'd overheard the end of their conversation, but there was little point to it. Leah didn't like me, and I didn't care too much for her either, so why bother concealing the fact that I'd heard her snide remark. They'd probably known we were close anyway.

"You get our stuff unpacked yet, big sis?" Seth asked as soon as Leah's mouth opened to respond, and she snapped her jaw shut.

"Yeah," she nodded after a moment. "We're on the second floor, c'mon."

I followed behind Seth, and grabbed Jasper's hand as I passed him to drag him along to the house, but at the last minute changed my mind and took a seat in one of the deck chairs to watch the sunset. I didn't think I was quite up to being in the confines of the house with Seth and Leah just yet, at least not until I got Jasper to go inside and open every single window.

Jasper took the seat next to me, playing with my fingers as he looked out over the yard, and I let myself relax into the quiet moment. This was good, and things were finally starting to fall into place.

"Here," Leah said, walking back to my side after a couple of minutes, dropping a familiar object into my lap. "Don't need this anymore; pretty sure it belongs to you anyway."

It was a block of pink and shiny plastic, and as I stared slack-jawed at the cell phone I never thought I'd ever see again I wondered just how much Alice had known when she'd given it to me.

"Where did you get this?" I asked, so very confounded by the insane reality that this thing in my hands was really there.

"Jasper asked Jacob to give it me," she shrugged. "Its how we've been keeping in contact."

"Holy shit."

"It's just a fucking cell phone, Bella," she said tightly before turning on her heel and joining her brother in the house.

"You want me to stay out here with you?" Jasper asked softly, and I shook my head.

"No, I'm going to go for a run, and there's something I have to do." There were no more excuses left, and it seemed to me like the entire universe had been conspiring against me just to push me toward making this one phone call.

"Alright," Jasper agreed, squeezing my shoulder and leaning forward to place a lingering kiss against my lips. "Be back soon?"

"Yeah," I nodded, and from the look on his face I could tell he knew exactly what my errand was.

I ran the moment I was through the trees, pushing myself to go harder, faster. I needed to get somewhere, and even though I wasn't really sure where I was going I knew it had to be far away. I needed something unfamiliar, I needed some neutral place to make this call, and when I'd run past the fields and the creek I'd sat by with Peter I slowed to a stop at the rocky base of the mountains.

I hit the send button before I could convince myself not to, and listened to the phone ring twice before a voice that for some reason reminded me of wind-chimes answered.

"Hello?"

I hadn't been ready, hadn't been prepared to hear the sound of her voice. I should have sat here and thought about it a little bit more, but I didn't want to give myself the chance to chicken out again. At once a million thoughts and memories flooded my brain, all the good times we'd had, and it made my bones feel heavy with loss.

"Hi." It was the only word I could force out of my mouth.

"Bella? Oh my God, Bella is really that you?" she shrieked, her voice climbing higher in volume the longer she kept talking. "I thought it was, I mean, I recognized the number, but...I've missed you so much! How are you? Where are you? You have to stop blocking me, it's driving me crazy. I never know if you're okay or if you need something. Is Jasper...?"

"Alice," I interrupted, "I'm fine. I...I just wanted to talk to you about something."

"Okay," she replied, drawing the word out in invitation.

"How much did you see, before you left?"

"This and that. I'm afraid if you want a clearer answer you're going to have to ask a more specific question," she responded, being infuriatingly vague.

There was so much I wanted to know, but I figured it might be better to ease into the conversation I wanted to have. "Why did you give me this phone? Didn't you know I wouldn't use it?"

"I thought you probably wouldn't. I couldn't see everything; one of the first things Jasper decided to do was look for allies in the wolves, so I was pretty blind to everything that was happening. I just...I guess I thought that it should be your choice; we didn't give you a whole lot of those in the time you knew us, and I couldn't stand the thought of denying you again."

"Why did you leave?"

Alice let out a soft sigh before replying, "Because if I stayed Jasper would be the same as he always has been. He needed a different kind of support, something that me and the family couldn't really give him. I didn't know what would happen, but I saw enough to know that he'd be happy. You're good for him, Bella, you always have been."

It was an answer I could accept. If she'd left for Edward, picked him over me I would have understood, but I probably would never have been able to let her back into my life the way she had been before. I would have always wondered, waited for the day she's choose her brother again and I'd lose her forever.

"Do you still love him?" I asked, unable to completely disguise the waver of my voice.

"Of course I do, he's my family—but things have been over between us for a long time. I thought he told you that already."

"He did, I just...I guess I just wanted to hear it from you," I answered lamely, unable to explain the desire that had driven me to ask the question.

"Because you're in love with him," she stated, and I wondered if she knew or if she was simply guessing based on what had been said so far.

"Yeah." I closed my eyes, exhaled breath over the microphone, and asked, "Did you know when you left that this would happen?"

"No, not really, but I hoped it would."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah," Alice answered, laughing a little before becoming more serious. "Besides, you and Edward...looking back on it now I wonder if you didn't stay together for so long because I pushed it on you, because the family encouraged your relationship so much. We should have minded our own business, let it be and waited to see where it would go. It wasn't right, none of it, and I know that now. I'm really sorry, Bella."

She sounded sincere, she really did, but it still took me a minute to process all that she was apologizing for. It was hard, to let go of all the hurt and blame I'd allocated to her, and I wasn't sure it was something that could ever be erased—but I could try, and I would.

"I appreciate you telling me that."

"But you don't quite forgive us yet."

"Not completely," I admitted, wanting to be honest with her, "but someday I will."

"It sounds like Jasper's been good for you, too," she said with what I imagined was a knowing smile.

"He has. He lets me...just be. I can be myself and not worry about what he thinks of me for it. I did a lot of growing up after you left, both times, despite all the set-backs."

"I'm happy for you, and for him."

"Thanks, Alice."

"Will you call again?"

"Actually..." I let out with a long breath, "I think you need to talk to Jasper. There's a lot going on, and he's been meaning to call you."

"He's avoiding me," she snickered, "but it does him little good. Rose keeps me in the loop."

"What do you think of all this?" I asked, forgetting that our conversation had been coming to a close.

"I think it'll work. I haven't seen much of Victoria, just little snippets, never enough to figure out where she was—but I can see Rose, and I saw who Victoria's going to send as a scout, so it stands to reason that she'll believe her."

"Are you coming?" I wondered aloud, not knowing if anybody had even asked her yet.

"Yep. Poor Jasper's going to have a heart attack," she cackled. "Unless you tell him...damn, you're going to tell him, aren't you?"

"It's only fair," I laughed. "I've been harassing him for ages to just call you already. He's completely stressed out about it, this last time his eye started twitching just the tiniest bit every time we said your name."

"Well, that's reassuring."

"It'll be fine. When are you leaving?"

"I'm packing now, but I can't get too close until it's nearly time for the battle. I don't know if I'm going to be able to see if I'm around you, and I have to keep an eye on Rose," she said, and I felt relieved that I'd have more time to get used to the idea of seeing Alice again, but I was also a little sad. Our conversation was going well and somewhere along the line I'd started to hope that maybe we could be friends like we once were.

"Alice?" I asked timidly, with absolutely no idea if she'd seen anything involving the recent decision to switch up our plans. It seemed reasonable that she could see Edward, and she had a habit of keeping tabs on everyone.

"Yeah?" she answered when my pause became so long that it was starting to feel awkward.

"We're thinking of calling Edward," I admitted, and this time it was Alice's turn to fall silent.

"Let me know when you do, I'll keep an eye on him, and I'll try to make sure he doesn't do anything stupid."

"Thanks."

"I'll talk to you soon, alright?" Alice asked, and I nodded for a moment before realizing that I had to actually say the words.

"Yeah, I'll talk to you later."

With a soft click the call ended, and I pulled the phone away from my ear to stare at the flashing timer, and without another thought I started scrolling through the contacts again, filled with the intense need to somehow right past wrongs.

It was like my conversation with Alice had spurred me into action, and it wasn't so much that I wanted to talk to Rosalie—more that I wanted to finally take advantage of the gifts she and Alice had given me all those months ago, and dialing every number saved in the phone seemed like a great place to start.

It wasn't until the first ring sounded that I realized how incredibly stupid it was of me to assume Rosalie would have any desire to speak with me, but by the time I'd pulled the phone away from my ear to end the call she'd already answered.

"Bella?"

"Uh..yeah. Hi, Rosalie," I answered, pressing the phone back against my ear. I had absolutely no idea what to say to her.

"How are you?" Rosalie's voice was uncharacteristically pleasant, kind even, and for a second I was so shocked by her lack of hostility that I had to check the display and make sure I hadn't called someone else by accident. "Bella?"

"Yeah, I'm here. I'm good, you?"

"Pretty well," she answered, and an awkward silence fell over the line for a few seconds before she continued, "I'm a little surprised that you called."

"That makes two of us," I muttered, and to my astonishment Rosalie let out a soft laugh.

"I'm glad you called," she offered, and again my mind spun with confusion at this new side of Rosalie I'd only imagined existed.

"But we don't like each other," I blurted out before thinking, and I instantly realized that it had come out ruder than I'd intended.

"You shouldn't make assumptions," Rosalie replied, sounding annoyed. "You weren't capable of disliking _anyone_ , and I was just trying to help you."

"I have no idea what you're talking about," I shot back, matching her tone. This wasn't going so well anymore.

"Do you remember what you were like? That girl you used to be? She was weak, ignorant, and about to make the stupidest mistake of her life. Edward may be my brother, but he was horrible for you and to you. My methods may have been unorthodox, but he wouldn't let me anywhere near you if he could help it and I had to find some way to get through that thick skull of yours. So I was mean and distant, I hoped you would get fed up with it and confront me, but you were too spineless to stand up for yourself," she ranted.

"I'm not spineless now," I growled into the receiver.

"I know, I rather liked the glimpse I got when you kicked Edward to the curb."

I suppressed the giggle that wanted to make an appearance and failed miserably. Rosalie's throaty laugh floated out of the earpiece a moment later, and I resolved to give her a chance.

"What did you want to talk about?" she asked, and though it hadn't been more than a fleeting curiosity the words came spilling out of my mouth with more force that I'd realized they had.

"Why are you doing this? How could you do this? I don't get it, why in the hell are you going to put your life on the line just to give us a better shot at destroying Victoria?"

"Because I've been pretty awful to a lot of people," Rosalie answered calmly, "and I've done some bad things in my life—but the worst of all of it was what I did to my husband when I made him leave you behind."

"I..."

"I know, you don't understand, but then again you can't. You'd never make Jasper turn his back on Peter, now would you?" Rosalie interrupted, her tone wavering between insulting and rueful.

"You don't have to, Rosalie. We can find another way, I just...how in the world can you make yourself walk straight into that camp?" I couldn't even fathom the amount of courage it was going to take.

"Emmett needs his sister," she said softly. "This will give you back to him."

"I don't like it," I muttered after a long and awkward pause, but I'd lost the argument, and I knew it.

"You don't have to, but it means a lot to me that you're concerned even after I've been so horrible to you," Rosalie replied before clearing her throat. "I'll talk to you in a couple of days."

"Alright," I answered, recognizing the dismissal for what it was.

"Goodbye, Bella." The line clicked off, and for the second time that day I stared at the flashing numbers on the display before I tucked the phone back in my pocket and ran back to the house, my mind racing and heart aching with the desire to just get back to Jasper.

It had been a long day, and all I wanted was one last night to lie in bed with Jasper before the real preparations began tomorrow. I almost didn't want to think about it, everything waiting out on the horizon, but there was a light at the end of this long and dark tunnel, and that was something that I hadn't honestly been able to think for a very long time.

Jasper asked no questions about my phone calls, just gave me a smile, picked me up around the waist, and carried me into house—and I noticed with amusement that even though I hadn't gotten around to asking him all the windows were open.

"Tomorrow," he muttered, setting me on our bed and climbing up to hover over me. "It starts for real tomorrow...are you ready?"

"I'm ready for anything, as long as you're there with me."


	23. Chapter 23

We'd put it off for much longer than we should have, but everything had been so hectic that I almost thought that we couldn't be blamed for our procrastination. Nobody wanted to call Edward, least of all Jasper and I, but we'd reached the point where it had to be done, and it had to be done now.

Two days ago Rosalie and Emmett had wandered into a camp of newborns in the Nevada desert, and according to Alice, tomorrow night Victoria would send out her scout to search for us in the area Rosalie had specified. Seth and Leah hadn't even been here a week, and the battle was already looming on the horizon. The pieces were falling into place and phase one of our plan had been executed.

The knot that had been threatening to take residence in my stomach had become a permanent fixture, relieved only during the too short hours of moonlight when Jasper soothed the aches and pains that ran through me. I had a bad feeling about all of this, but I couldn't quite pinpoint what exactly it was that was bothering me.

It was completely logical to assume that this nagging was nothing more than worry for Rosalie and Emmett's safety, a compulsion I hadn't managed to shake and wouldn't go away until they were here, and I could see that they were safe and sound with my own eyes. Still the knot grew and persisted, taunted me with the idea that maybe we were missing something, that we hadn't quite covered all of our bases, or that there was some small thing that we hadn't thought of in just the right way.

I'd discussed it at length with Jasper, and with Charlotte. I'd even gone to Peter and asked him if he could think of anything we may have missed, but there were so many uncertainties right now, and I was eventually convinced that when Victoria's spy arrived we would surely be able to extract any remaining information from him.

Training sessions had started up again, and we'd had to make some changes with the arrival of Seth and Leah, as well as Jasper's new found level of confidence in my abilities. Now we all participated, though we'd figured out quickly that Jasper and I always had to be on the same team. Strangely enough the problem wasn't so much that Jasper couldn't watch me spar with the others, he usually did fairly well on that point; I, however, was a different story. I still had problems watching Jasper be attacked, and more than once had taken steps to intercede when I was supposed to be sitting out.

It actually made sense for Jasper and I to practice like this, we needed to learn to work together in this way so we could ensure we'd be victorious, though that was a point that only the two of us were aware of at the moment. I didn't like withholding our change in plans from the others, but Jasper had been adamant that it was news that needed to be broken at the right time, and not until after we were sure it was something that was going to work.

I thought that maybe there was more to it, that this was a conversation Jasper dreaded for some other reason, but his insecurities were his own, and I knew he'd share them with me when he was ready. For the time being Jasper was put together and focused, and even if he was hiding something from the group at least he wasn't hiding it from me. It was progress, so I was able to let it lie for the time being.

It was astounding how well we worked together, though to be fair it hadn't even crossed my mind that we might not until Peter complimented us. We were in sync—and while on my own my shield appeared to have little use as anything other than a defensive tool, with Jasper it became an incredibly useful asset; I'd knock our opponents off balance and Jasper would come in finish them off. It was a tactic that worked well for us, and we'd yet to lose a match in the four days we'd spent training as a group.

It seemed we were ready, and there were no more excuses. We had to make this call now, because we were on red alert and we weren't sure how much time we had left before this looming battle arrived on our doorstep. This would be our last day without constant rotating patrols, the last afternoon we could all spend together goofing around; talking to Edward was the absolute last thing I wanted to be wasting my time on.

Jasper prowled up and down between a narrow aisle made by the tree trunks deep in the forest, spitting words into his phone and growling at the responses as I struggled to keep pace so I could stay beside him. It was shaping up to be the argument to end all arguments, a verbal sparring match that put all others to shame, and I found myself immensely thankful that we'd thought to come out into the woods to avoid eavesdroppers.

"You've screwed everything up," Edward accused, the sound of his own growl clear over the line. He'd been making the same argument for the past fifteen minutes, ever since Jasper had taken a deep breath and confessed most of what had happened since the last time they'd seen each other. "How could you be so careless?"

"This wasn't my fault, Edward," Jasper spat out before he glanced up at me and softened his tone by the slightest degree. "I did what I did to save her."

"How was it not your fault? You said you were going to protect her! You ignored all of us and stayed in Forks, and for what? You _turned her_! How could you do something so terrible?" Edward's voice had started out low and accusatory, but had grown into a shout over the course of his tirade, and Jasper and I shared a dark look that told me we were on the exact same page.

It could be a huge mistake we were making, but we'd discussed it at length; Edward was still in Alaska, he hadn't been home yet, and we had agreed that it was probably best not to tell him about us right away. We'd reserve that honor for Alice, who was far better at breaking delicate news. I'd insisted we didn't lie if he asked, but it was a hollow demand that neither of us expected would have to be met.

"If I hadn't of stayed she'd be dead," Jasper tried to reason, and the pride that welled up in me was so strong that my knees nearly went weak from the force of it. It was about damn time.

"You and Emmett could have taken Victoria out before that happened, why couldn't you just follow the plan?" Edward's words sparked something in Jasper, something I hadn't actually seen from him in a very long time, and when he spoke next his eyes darkened and determination poured over his stance.

"Because as much as you'd like to think otherwise, _your_ family is not _my_ coven," Jasper hissed. "I was there for Alice, only for Alice, and you knew it. I don't owe you any loyalty.

"I did what I had to, and I did what I thought was right. I couldn't just fuckin' leave her there, it was disgusting of you to even suggest it, to expect us all to blindly follow your lead and do that terrible thing. Bella's not dead," Jasper continued, his eyes locking with mine, sincerity radiating from him. "That's all that matters to me, and it should be enough for you, too."

The line fell silent except for the sounds of deep, forceful breaths, the type that reminded me of fury and flared nostrils. "I want to talk to her."

"No."

"I want to talk to her _now_ , Jasper!"

"Too fucking bad," Jasper spat out with the type of irritation I imagined was exclusively reserved for a bratty child.

This seemed to be going nowhere, and Jasper wasn't the only one losing patience. I nodded my head shortly, hoping to convey my resigned willingness to speak to the boy who'd done so much damage—but Jasper shook his head and fixed me with a stare that said, in no uncertain terms, that he wasn't about to make concessions to what we'd already decided on.

"The only way you are going to say anything to her is in person, and only if she wants to talk to you. Don't you think that maybe she deserves that, after all you've done?"

"Fine," Edward agreed, the word sounding more like a curse. "I'm on the way, and I'm telling Carlisle."

I nearly burst into laughter at the way Edward used Carlisle as a threat, like he was going to go running to Mommy and Daddy to tattle on Jasper, and the endeavor to contain my giggles only proved to be more difficult when I glanced at Jasper's befuddled face.

Jasper gave him no response, simply shook his head amusedly and pulled the phone away from his ear, shut it, and shoved it deep in the pocket of his jeans. "Well, that wasn't so bad, even though now I'm going to have to run interference with Ma and Pa Cullen."

"Why would you have to run interference?" I asked, narrowing my eyes at him.

I hadn't even considered the possibility of asking Carlisle and Esme for help, somehow the idea just seemed wrong...though now it was painfully obvious that asking them would have been far preferable to asking Edward. Jasper had to have thought of it already, and I wondered just what had happened between Jasper and Carlisle to make him more willing to interact with Edward. I had a sneaking suspicion that it mostly had to do with Jasper's desire to exact his own brand of justice.

We'd already called everybody else; I didn't particularly care if Carlisle and Esme got involved, too. Besides, numbers were numbers, and any extra padding we could get was good as far as I was concerned.

Jasper shrugged his shoulders and frowned a little as he came to my side and wrapped his arm around my waist to lead me back to the house and the far too curious audience we'd come out here to escape.

"How are you feeling about all of this?" Jasper asked, glancing my way.

"It must burn you so bad that you even have to ask," I answered, avoiding the question. The truth was I didn't really know how I felt about anything involving Edward. I knew I didn't want to see him, that I was going to have to anyway, and that was about it.

Jasper shook his head, shooting another knowing glance my way, "Not as much as you might think. I've gotten used to it, and I'm finding that I kind of like not always knowing."

It was another one of those small, seemingly insignificant things that he'd say to me out of the blue that held more meaning than anything else I could have thought of, and I smiled to myself as I wrapped my arms around him, halting his movements.

"I love you, you know that...right? Even though you can't feel it?"

"Yeah," he answered, smiling against the top of my head. "I know."

"Tell me why you don't want to talk to Carlisle," I asked again, and when Jasper hugged me tighter I nuzzled my face against his chest, overcome with the desire to just crawl inside his skin and never leave.

"I used to talk to him every couple of weeks," Jasper said quietly, pulling back to look me in the eye. "He wants you to come back to live with them, and..."

"Please tell me you're not worried that I want to," I scowled.

"Not really...okay, maybe a little," Jasper admitted, shifting his eyes to the ground. "Don't you miss it, having a family?"

"Jasper," I sighed, stepping closer to catch his eye. "I miss my Dad, and I miss Renee—but I have a family here, with you. I don't want to live with the Cullens."

"Okay," he nodded. "I still don't really want to talk to them though."

"It seems kind of wrong to ask them to help, doesn't it?" I asked, trying to picture Carlisle or Esme training with us out in the fields; the visual that I conjured up was nothing short of absurd.

"I was thinking the same thing. Carlisle abhors violence, and Esme may be a little more tolerant, but she's so kind hearted that I don't think I could ask her if I wanted to."

"They really are anomalies, aren't they?" I hadn't really grasped just how unusual Carlisle's pacifism was until now.

"In every sense of the word."

"Well, if they show up they're just going to have to deal with the fact that I'm not going anywhere," I said smugly, secure in the knowledge that there was absolutely nothing in this world that could make me want to leave this life I'd cultivated with Jasper behind. Besides, we had plans, and I had bikinis to buy.

"Esme can be very persuasive," Jasper warned, humor bubbling beneath the surface.

"I can be stubborn."

"Don't I know it," Jasper laughed, touching my cheek with the tips of his fingers.

"I still think you should have told Peter what we're calling Edward in to do," I said as gently as I was able, after pulling away and taking his hand. We'd had our cheesy, romantic moment, and now it was time to get back to business. I really didn't like lying about our motives, but Jasper had convinced me somehow; looking back on it I was sure that he tricked me.

"He's going to shit a brick when I tell him, its better that Edward's already on the way when that happens."

"I guess," I mumbled, still not very happy about it, and trying to figure out just when in the hell Peter had wormed his way in so deep that it was something that would bother me at all.

"Don't worry; he's not going to be mad at you. Me he'll be furious with, but not you."

"That doesn't sound good," I muttered under my breath.

"I can take him," Jasper said confidently.

I didn't think I'd ever fully understand the relationship between the two of them. They were some bizarre mix of brothers, friends, comrades, and rivals—but maybe it was just one of those things you couldn't really comprehend if you were outside it. They'd been through a lot together, and they'd overcome even more to get to where they were.

We kept our pace leisurely on our way back, and it wasn't surprising to find everyone gathered out on the deck, Seth chatting animatedly to Charlotte, seemingly unfazed by the sharp looks she was sending his sister's way. I wasn't quite sure what Charlotte's problem with Leah was, I hadn't gotten to spend as much time with her as I would have liked over the past few days, and I mainly kept my distance from Leah. Every now and then there were verbal jabs between the two of us, though we mostly didn't converse at all—but Leah and Charlotte seemed to absolutely hate each other, and I didn't really understand; Leah didn't look to have any problems with Peter at all.

"Peter!" Jasper called, once we were half-way through the yard, and Peter immediately began making his way over to us, gesturing for Leah to follow as well. It was pretty amusing, how we'd kind of divvied up the wolves between our two sub-groups.

"Be good," Jasper teased, leaning down to catch my lips with his and stroke his thumb along my cheek.

"You too," I whispered back to him, taking a second to squeeze his arm before releasing him to return to the forest, Peter and Leah on his tail.

"What was all that about?" Seth asked, looking confused as his gaze darted between me and the trees where his sister had vanished.

I listened carefully as I ascended the stairs of the deck and took a seat next to Charlotte, waiting to be sure that the others were far enough away that they couldn't hear us before I explained, "Jasper's going to talk to Peter about switching up the teams. We called Edward so Jasper can swap places with you."

"Oh, damn," Charlotte groaned, elaborating once Seth and I had fixed her with what I could only imagine were twin expressions of exasperation. "I wish I was there to see Peter's face, he's going to be so annoyed."

"You take far too much pleasure in your mate's irritation," I remarked with a giggle, and Charlotte grinned brightly at me.

"Just wait until you and Jasper have been together for a few decades."

"Not to rain on your girl-talk," Seth interrupted, his voice sounding concerned, "but do you really think that's a good idea, in any way whatsoever? Don't we need Jasper with the main group? And how is calling your ex in going to help anybody?"

"Edward's going to be problematic, that's for sure," I replied, still unable to decide just where I stood on that front, "but he's a good fighter, and he's gifted. Jasper and I want to be together during this fight, and this is the only way we could think of to make that happen."

"It's a good thing," Charlotte assured me, looking just a little bit more vulnerable than I'd ever seen her. "You don't want Jasper to have to go through being separated from you in this, and even though I'm sure it's not as big of an issue for you right now, the more the clock ticks down the more it would have upset you, too."

Seth simply shrugged his shoulders; he didn't seem entirely convinced, but it also didn't seem like he was too bothered by it. "You think they'll be awhile?"

"Probably," I answered, just as Charlotte said, "Oh yeah."

"And this Alice girl? You think she's going to be able to keep Edward in line?" Seth asked skeptically, and I had to admit, from what he'd heard about her over the past few days it made sense for him to doubt her capabilities.

"She's got a certain determination about her," I assured Seth, "besides; Alice and Edward have always been close. She's confident she'll get here before he does, and will be able to intercept him. Hopefully she's right, she usually is."

"This sure is one strange little family reunion you've got going on here," Seth replied after a moment.

"Yeah, I know," I agreed. "What I'm worried about is how the hell are we going to get _rid_ of Edward when all of this is over?"

Charlotte started giggling to herself, and covered her mouth when her quiet laughs exploded into guffaws. "How is it that nobody else thought of that? Oh God, he's never going to go away!"

"Very reassuring, _mi hermana_ ," I scowled at her, to no effect.

"Sounds to me like this Alice chick can get him to vamoose, don't worry about it so much, Bells." Seth's words obviously were meant to soothe my worry, but I really didn't think it was going to be as simple as he made it out to be.

"Did Jasper talk to you about the shifts?" Charlotte asked her eyes fixed carefully on my face.

"Yeah," I answered, grateful for the change in subject. "He said we're going out in pairs?"

"Yep, I've got you, Puppy Chow," Charlotte grinned at Seth, and I found myself pleased when he smiled back at her, despite the nickname.

"Why aren't you with Peter?" I wondered.

"Jasper wants one of the wolves out at all times, one patrolling and one asleep. That way if we find anything the others will know faster," she explained, and my confused eyes swept over to Seth for further explanation.

"If we sleep phased, then another wolf can sort of...I dunno, wake us up? Telepathically, you know?" he said, face scrunched as he searched for the best way to relate this knowledge to me.

"Okay," I answered after Seth was silent for a second, still lost. I got the gist of it.

A sudden vibration occurred against my right leg, and I nearly jumped out of my seat before realizing it was my phone.

"Nice one," Charlotte teased, and I pressed my lips together, trying not to let on how embarrassed I was.

"Shut up," I retorted after a few seconds, shaking my head when I realized that really, that wasn't any better and focused my attention on pulling the phone out of my pocket instead of Charlotte's laughter.

It took me a moment to figure out what had happened, but once I realized that the alert had been for a text message it was a simple matter of pressing a few keys before a message from Alice flashed across the screen.

_'I'm here, north boundary. Edward's on the move, I'll try to get to him first. Don't let Jasper come alone.'_

"Shit," I muttered, slumping back in my chair to stare at the darkening sky overhead.

I hadn't expected Edward to start his journey here so soon, though I should have, and I was struck with the feeling of wanting everything to slow down and speed up all at the same time; any pace other than this one would be preferable. I'd love for all of this to be over, to just get to start my life with Jasper, and I wondered how this all would have gone if I'd realized I loved him before we'd reached the point of no return and were obligated to do something about Victoria.

I keyed in my response to Alice dazedly, without looking down at the display, and closed my phone against my thigh. We'd talked twice since that first time I called her, both conversations wavered between uncomfortable and nostalgic, and I wondered for the hundredth time why it had been so easy to pick up right where I left off with Emmett when I couldn't do the same with Alice. Of course I knew the answer, I still felt like Alice had betrayed me in some way, even though I knew she'd left to give Jasper a chance at a better kind of life—but still, she could have told me that earlier, she didn't have to let me spend all those months wondering if I simply wasn't good enough.

"You wanna see something cool?" Seth asked after a minute, and I lifted my head to offer him a thankful smile.

"Sure."

I raised an eyebrow at Charlotte, silently asking if she was coming, too, and she shook her head. "I'm going to wait for Peter. He'll probably have some wounds to lick by the time they're done."

"Okay."

"C'mon," Seth gestured, waiting for me to stand before heading into the house and up the stairs.

I'd only been on the second floor a few times, early in my stay here and when Charlotte had been on her redecorating spree. In the beginning this was where Jasper had kept everything he didn't want to risk me breaking, and when Peter and Charlotte had occupied the floor they'd spent so little time up here that I'd never even bothered exploring this area of the house.

"This is how we're tracking Rosalie and Emmett," Seth explained, leading me into the second bedroom. He flopped down on his bed and pulled a laptop computer off the night-stand, nodding for me to take a seat next to him.

"We activated the GPS in her cell phone, long as she's able to keep hold of it we know exactly where she and Emmett are," Seth continued, typing much faster than I'd assumed he was able. "See? They're still in Nevada."

"You're some sort of closeted geek, aren't you?" I asked, a little impressed by Seth's technological savvy.

"I'm a dude, and I like video games," Seth said by way of explanation.

"Oh lord...that's just what I need." I had to make sure to keep Peter and Jasper from firing up the Playstation around Seth, who knew when they'd resurface if the three of them got into one of the games.

"Hey, I wanted to ask you something." Seth's voice was uncharacteristically serious, and he closed the lid of the laptop and placed it back on the night-stand. "Are you doing okay? I mean, I know that you like it here, and that you're dealing...I guess I just wanted to ask."

It took me a moment to wade through the gratitude that flooded me at Seth's concern, and when I nodded my head there was a lump in my throat. "I'm okay. It's been really hard, these past few months, but I've been starting to think that maybe this was all for the best."

Seth gave me a sad half-smile and asked, "Is it cool if I hug you? It's okay if you can't handle it..."

I didn't even wait for him to finish, just threw my arms around him and hugged him as tight as I thought I could without hurting him. It would have been so wonderful to have had him as a brother back in Forks, and when I told him so he laughed and patted my back.

"You too, Bells. You make a great sister."

Jasper came back to the house alone, nearly two hours later, looking angry and shaken. I suspected that Peter wasn't the only one with wounds to lick after their confrontation.

"How'd it go?" I asked carefully, taking note of his dirty and torn clothes and still balled fists.

"Fine." His voice was steady as it ever was, but I could hear the difference, the slight change that meant he was forcing himself to remain calm for my sake.

"Come here," I sighed, tugging his arm to make him follow as I led him into the sanctuary of our bedroom. Sometimes it felt like this was the only place that held any sense of normalcy and calm for us. Right now Jasper looked like he was a little lost, and I thought maybe he needed the same things I did when I got that look on my face; every now and then even the strongest of people need someone to take care of them and remind them they're loved.

"Clothes off," I demanded. There was no way I was going to climb into bed with him when he was that dirty.

Jasper stripped off his t-shirt obediently, shedding the rest of his attire as he made his way into the bathroom. I followed after, picking up the discarded items of clothing, pausing to dump them in the laundry hamper before undressing as well.

By the time I finally walked into the bathroom Jasper was already in the shower, his head hung under the spray of water and palms braced against the wall. It reminded me of that first time Jasper had coaxed me back into the house after I'd awoken a vampire, and I tried to use the same care and love he had as I cleaned him off, though it was hard to stem the dirty thoughts running through my brain. We definitely had to have some fun in the shower at some point.

Jasper was generally a quiet person, especially when he needed time to think, but I thought that perhaps this time was a little different. He usually gave me some sort of explanation or indication that if I wanted to talk it was okay; tonight he just stared off into space, redirecting his attention on the rare occasion it was needed, like when I pulled him from the shower and threw a towel and a clean change of clothes at him.

It wasn't until we were lying in bed, his arms holding me tight against his chest and his forehead pressed against the back of my head that he finally broke the silence.

"I never realized it, what I did to him, how much damage I caused..." Jasper trailed off, his voice distant.

"Peter?" I clarified, and I felt Jasper nod. "He forgave you, Charlotte did too."

"I know, but I can't understand why. I always thought he was just kind of an asshole, that it's just the way he is—but I did that to him, I made him that way," Jasper said against my back.

I tried to turn my head to look at him properly, but Jasper's arms were like a straight-jacket that kept my arms and body in place.

"It's like whenever I think I finally comprehend the effects of my actions something else crops up, some deeper understanding comes to me, and I'm just so damn tired of feeling awful about it. I want to make it all up to them, to you, but every time I manage to get another foot forward another mile pops up in front of me," Jasper sighed, and I felt his eyelashes flutter closed against my hair.

"What exactly happened today?" I asked cautiously.

"Peter just...he's not mad, he wants to be, but he's not. All this shit is just bringing up other shit that was better left buried, and we're both having a hard time dealing with it. I think a little part of him wants to punish me for all those times I wouldn't let Charlotte sit off to the side, and that side of him is angry that I'm refusing to suffer through the same thing he did."

"And there's a piece of you that wants to let him do it," I finished for him, and Jasper pressed a kiss against the back of my ear.

"He's stronger than I am," Jasper said bitterly. "If it were the other way around I never would have been able to keep it together like he did, and I _never_ would have forgiven him."

I wondered just what part of all this was bothering Jasper the most; his newfound understanding of how hard everything must have been on Peter all those decades ago, or the knowledge that in a similar situation he couldn't handle being separated from his mate when Peter had somehow been able to manage.

"I would have just killed him," I confessed. "Doesn't make me a bad person, and it doesn't make me weak. It's just what I would have done if it were me."

"I'm used to feeling guilt, or regret—but I don't think I've ever just felt bad," Jasper muttered as he loosened his grip on me and trailed his fingers along the length of my arms. "It's weird...more complex but less intense."

"Only you would think something like that is strange," I chuckled, finding it so very amusing that Jasper was confused over something so simple.

"Tell me a secret," he requested after a moment, and I smiled for this little game we still played while lying in bed together.

"I called Rosalie the other day." He probably already knew, but we'd never talked about what exactly had occurred the day I'd made my phone calls.

"What did she say?"

"That she thinks that by helping us she can make up leaving to Emmett."

"I thought it might be something like that," Jasper admitted, and this time when I squirmed and turned to face him he let me.

"Sometimes I wonder if everything that motivates us is based in regret." It was a fear I'd never given voice to, something that had been churning in my head ever since very first time Jasper told me he wanted to make up for all the things he'd done wrong during his very long life.

"It often is, at least for me—but I'm finding that sometimes I'm driven by something else."

"What's that?" I asked curiously, watching Jasper's face smooth as calm finally took him.

"You. You make me want to do better."

"I think you do just fine as it is," I assured him, knowing it wouldn't make one bit of difference unless he wanted it to.

The corner of Jasper's mouth twitched upward for a second, and I leaned in so I could brush my lips over his as I snuggled closer. His hand toyed with the hem of my shirt for a couple of minutes, every now and then his fingers slipped underneath to drum a beat against my spine, and when he spoke again he sounded lighter. "When you say things like that to me...that's what makes me want to be as good as I possibly can."

"You've always been good enough for me," I promised, pausing for a moment as I tried to determine how I wanted to phrase what I wanted to say. "I wished you believed it."

Jasper pursed his lips and tugged on the ends of my hair a little before rolling onto his back, taking me right with him. I laid my head on his chest and traced circles over the scars on his arm, and he twisted a lock around his finger and told me, "I believe that you believe it, for right now that's going to have to be enough."

"I think you might have just called me stupid in a really bizarre way." I braced my hands against the mattress on either side of his shoulders and rose up to cock an eyebrow at him.

"I would never," Jasper smirked, before mocking, "You're very, very smart. You make lesser intellectuals cower in the presence of your superior cognitive abilities."

"My feelings are hurt," I pouted, and Jasper's smirk morphed into a devilish grin.

"Want me to kiss it and make it better?"

"You'd better." I smiled and bit my lip before letting Jasper roll us over on the bed and pin me, and when he kissed me my toes curled and everything inside me turned to mush. I let Victoria, and Edward, and all our other problems fall away from my mind, because we had all the time in the world to deal with those, but tonight was going the last night for a while that we could just be, and I wanted to enjoy it.


	24. Chapter 24

"Fuck!" Seth shouted from inside the house, bursting through the back door a moment later, computer in tow. "I lost them! Shit, shit, shit!"  
It was the calmest pandemonium I'd ever seen, Jasper and Charlotte barked out questions and cornered Seth, while I sat frozen in my deck chair trying to get my brain to function in the wake of one of my hundred worst nightmares come true.  
My first instinct was to call Alice, and I had every intention of following it. My fingers dug the cell phone she'd given me out of my pocket, and I pressed the keys that would phone her as rapidly as I could without breaking the plastic. It seemed to take ages before the first ring sounded out, the noise alerting Jasper, who snatched the phone out of my hand the moment Alice answered. It seemed all we needed to finally get Jasper on the phone with Alice was a bona fide crisis.  
"We lost track of Rose and Emmett," he barked, extending an arm to pull me closer. "Tell me you can still see them."  
"It's not that simple," Alice sighed, and the terror that flowed through my veins at her deflection felt like ice water.  
"Explain," Jasper said, the word barely holding even the semblance of a request as he stepped back from the others, closer to the railing, pulling me right along with him.  
"Before I thought that I wasn't seeing Victoria because of some...loophole or something she was abusing, but now..."  
"Alice..." Jasper growled after the conversation had lagged for longer than he deemed acceptable, and I heard her exhale across the microphone before continuing.  
"I can see them. They're alive, it's just that I'm seeing them in the same way I see Victoria. It's not clear. I have a really bad feeling about this, Jasper. Rose and I, we had an agreement, and she's not deciding on anything that can give me the information we talked about," Alice said, and Jasper shook his head a little before leaning his forehead into his palm.  
"Where is Victoria now?"  
"I don't know, I never see enough of her to get a location, but she's on the move. I can see Emmett and Rosalie a little better, enough to know they're okay, but something's getting lost in the translation."  
"Something's gone wrong."  
"Yeah. I can see everyone else just fine, well, everyone besides you guys—but Edward's clear as he's ever been, and I've been talking to him so I know that what I'm seeing is accurate. It has to be one of the newborns, didn't you say last time she'd found a gifted one?" Alice asked, sounding timid, and I couldn't really blame her.  
"Emmett knew that was something to look for," Jasper snapped, seeming to take offense to the suggestion that he hadn't accounted for that possibility a second time.  
"I know, it's just...maybe they're like the other one, maybe it's not a gift that's really apparent, or maybe Victoria thought there might be a spy and is keeping that one hidden," Alice offered, and Jasper bit his lip and squeezed his eyes shut tighter for a moment.  
"The scout, when will he get here?"  
"A few hours, maybe five."  
"Then we'll just have to get the information out of him," Jasper said darkly, ending the call without giving Alice any time to respond.  
"This is bad," Seth remarked, earning glares from each and every pair of eyes in the room.  
"You and I," Jasper said firmly, motioning between us, "are not to be separated, you got that? We are glued at the hip."  
It was so inappropriate, but I couldn't contain my snort at his wording.  
"Don't you dare," Jasper scolded, but he also smirked a little, "but I'll admit, that was a good one. We hunt in shifts," he said louder, turning to address the group as a whole. "Starting now. Char, go find Peter, you're up first. Leah can stay out for a bit on her own. Bella and I will go when you get back. We have to be ready for this to start at any time."  
Seth shuddered slightly at the mention of our feeding habits, but made no objection to the implication that Peter and Charlotte would not be adjusting their diets.  
"How long will you be?" I asked Charlotte. It had been a couple of days since I'd hunted last, and though I was confident that I could keep my control in check around Seth and Leah, I still preferred to have a little cushioning, just in case.  
"We'll be quick," she promised before slipping away.  
I couldn't wait for the day this would all be over, and Charlotte and I could sit in the highest branches of the tallest trees, watching the sun set and talking about anything we desired. The thought occurred that maybe Alice, or even Rosalie could join us—but I dismissed it almost immediately. It would be wrong to include anyone else, it was something that belonged to me and Charlotte; it was ours.  
"Want me to go help Leah?" Seth asked, and Jasper nodded, looking somewhat relieved.  
"You sure you can handle it? You're going out with Char when they get back."  
Seth rolled his eyes and waved his arm, dismissing Jasper's concern nonchalantly. "I'll be cool."  
"Okay."  
It seemed seconds ago Alice had been on the phone, and Jasper and I were already alone.  
"When this is over," I started, staring evenly at him, "we're going to take a vacation."  
Jasper cracked a smile and nodded, and I took that to mean that he wasn't completely lost to his worry.  
"Do you think Rosalie and Emmett are okay?" I asked, frowning a little when he didn't immediately tell me yes.  
It was so scary, this thought that maybe I wasn't going to get to have my happy reunion with Emmett after all, and the pangs of regret that ran through me were so strong I had to clench my teeth to keep from screaming. I could have done so many things differently, could have just picked up the phone and called him months ago and there might not be anything I could do to fix that mistake.  
"I think that if they are in trouble, they are capable enough to get out of it," Jasper finally said, nodding a little with his words, as if he was reminding himself of that same thing, too.  
"I feel like this is all my fault," I confessed, looking down to the planks of the deck as I spoke.  
Jasper knelt down in front of me and rubbed his hands up and down my thighs. "I know that telling you that it isn't won't really help...but I'm gonna say it anyway, just so we're clear.  
"This didn't happen because of anything you did or did not do. Rose and Emmett knew the risks they were taking, and they made the decision on their own. They may have done it for you, but that doesn't mean that you're to blame...it just means they care about you. I know you well enough to know that you would have done the same for them, and I also know that if something happened you'd never blame them for it."  
"You know, you're really sweet sometimes," I replied, glancing up at Jasper's worried face.  
"I have my moments." Jasper smiled, and leaned forward to kiss me lightly before resting his forehead against mine. His hands continued their sweeps up and down my legs, and I covered them with my own, squeezing his fingers.  
"Okay," I nodded, kissing his bottom lip and touching the tip of my nose to his. I didn't quite believe him, and he knew that—but I'd also told him that sometimes he just needed to trust that he couldn't see the whole picture, and that was something I needed to remember as well.  
"What do you wanna do until Peter and Char get back?" Jasper asked with a slight arch of his eyebrow that made me giggle.  
"Actually...I was hoping we could watch Charlie's wedding," I answered.  
Jasper nodded and stood, pulling me to my feet before wrapping his arms around me and running his fingers through the ends of my hair. "I thought you wanted to be alone for that."  
I shrugged, amused at what I was about to admit to him; because it was something that I never thought I'd say. "I don't really count you in that."  
"Yeah, me either," Jasper laughed. "We're kinda pathetic, you know?"  
"Who cares?"  
"Not me." Jasper stiffened, and cursed loudly, his attention snapping toward the house. "Edward's here."  
I immediately panicked, because I'd been relying on Alice to hold him up and keep him away for the time being. Once that initial feeling had passed I was taken over by rage, of course he would refuse to listen and assume his presence here would be welcome in any capacity.  
I was on my feet and halfway around the side of the house before Jasper caught up with me, but rather than try to halt my progress he matched my determined strides as we rounded the corner and caught sight of Edward walking down the middle of the driveway.  
He was perfect bronze hair and a crooked smile, an Adonis standing in my front yard, and I had never felt less for him. It was like gazing upon a stranger for a moment—but then everything came flooding back to me. All the pain, all the suffering, each and every time he made a decision for me came rushing in like a tidal wave. It had been a very, very long time since the growl vibrating through my body felt so wild.  
"Bella?" Edward asked, the musical quality to his voice sounded familiar, but it was the first time I truly heard it. I'd never really comprehended the seductive quality to it before, or the persuasive nuances to the tone that I hadn't encountered in any other vampire I'd met. "Bella, Love?"  
I shook my head sharply, unwilling to allow him even an inch back into my good graces. I didn't even want him to be here in the first place, hadn't wanted to see him at all if I could avoid it—but we needed his help, and the truth was that we were incredibly lucky that he'd gotten here so soon.  
"Don't call me that," I said, trying to imitate the way Jasper's voice sounded when he issued orders to Peter and Leah.  
"Oh, Bella, what did he do to you?" Edward groaned, casting a speculative look in Jasper's direction before taking two steps forward.  
"I don't think so," Jasper warned, halting Edward's progress.  
"You were supposed to meet Alice." Venom was clear in my tone, and my hostility seemed to intrigue Edward.  
"I wanted to see you," Edward insisted, tilting his head slightly to the side and furrowing his eyebrows, his gaze darting between Jasper and I. "What are you hiding?"  
"Go find Alice, Edward," I told him as evenly as possible. This was a conversation I was not at all ready to have with him, and I knew that once he figured out the nature of my relationship with Jasper there was no way he was going to let it go easily.  
Edward continued to stare at Jasper curiously, unblinking for another full minute before muttering, "What happened to you? Your mind..."  
I knew the moment Jasper's hold on his thoughts slipped; Edward's inquisitive eyes hardened as he took an angry breath through flared nostrils, a growl building in his chest.  
"How could you?"  
"This is not the time, Edward," Jasper tried to reason, his voice hard and authoritative.  
"He doesn't love you, Bella," Edward insisted, shaking his head and opting to ignore Jasper completely. "He can't, he's not capable of it. This is a manipulation, it has to be. We can be together now; you don't have to stay with him! It's you and me, Love, it always has been."  
"We can talk about this, Edward, but not right now," I replied, trying desperately to hold on to the sliver of calm Jasper's palm pressed against my back was providing me. "We have more important things to worry about right now. Please, just go find Alice."  
"No! I won't permit him to continue this charade! It was supposed to be me!" Edward ground out through his clenched teeth.  
"How could you even say that when just the other day you said changing me was terrible?" I seethed, and I watched with satisfaction as Edward registered the fact that I'd been listening to his conversation with Jasper.  
"It should never have come to that," Edward said with a glare in Jasper's direction. "He was supposed to protect you, I only allowed him to stay because I thought him capable—but I don't care if he's damned you, I will love you forever."  
"You have no idea what you're talking about!" Jasper exploded, taking a deliberate step to angle his body in front of mine. "You're a child. You don't even know what love is."  
"Is it what drives you to let her attempt to kill Victoria instead of being a man and doing it yourself?" Edward countered, picking the thought out of Jasper's head, and I looked at him with rage coursing through my veins; he'd never looked so small and insignificant, and he didn't understand, he never did.  
"I don't let her do anything. She does what she wants, and what makes me a man is that I stand behind her no matter what that is. Are you even listening to yourself? Bella can fight her own battles, she doesn't need me to do it for her, and there's nothing in this world that could damn her. She is good, despite you."  
The longer Edward looked at Jasper, his gaze penetrating, the more panicked he looked; whatever Jasper was thinking was clearly rattling him.  
"This isn't right. You're doing something; you have to be...this isn't your mind!" Edward ranted, sounding desperate and more than a little deranged.  
Something clicked in my head, some deeper understanding of what it was Edward was trying to say, and I let out a sigh before taking a few steps closer to him. "Edward, you shouldn't assume you know someone just because you can hear what they think. Jasper...things have changed for Jasper."  
"No. It's impossible. You could never know the black snares that color his thoughts." Edward fixed his stare on me; abandoning the hostile and suspicious look he'd been giving Jasper. "How much does he hide from you? How many secrets does he keep? If you knew...if you knew the things he's done you wouldn't say such foolish things."  
"It's not about who he was back then, Edward," I tried to explain, but my anger was rising at his instance that what I had with Jasper was somehow the product of trickery or manipulation.  
Edward's gaze shifted back to Jasper, and he laughed darkly. "Whatever it is that you're doing, it's making you an easy read. Really? Three hundred sixty-two? You're disgusting."  
"Don't say that about him!" I seethed, unsatisfied with the lack of poison I was able to convey with the sentiment. It was unbelievable that Edward was so capable of seeing the world in such black and white terms.  
"You have no idea what he's done."  
"I know some of it, and I don't care. That's not Jasper, not anymore." I was flooded with gratitude at my words, and I shared a private and understanding look with Jasper full of hope and love. These were things that I knew were true and I thought that maybe for once Jasper believed it, too.  
"It was always supposed to be you and me. I love you!" Edward insisted in that particular way of his, and it was amazing how well I remembered the way this tone he used could melt even the strongest of my objections, how easy it had been for him to get his way with me.  
"You don't."  
"Everything I did, I did because I love you," Edward vowed, the sickly sense of sincerity radiating from him—did he honestly believe this nonsense? The idea was infuriating, that all this time I'd been victim to his childish idea of what love was, and in the end that was what crumbled the last hold I had on the speck of calm within me.  
"You walked away!" I screamed, unable to repress my anger and hurt any longer. "You did! All I ever saw of you was your back! How dare you say you left me out of love!"  
I'd begun to advance on him, intending to cause him as much physical damage as I possibly could; perhaps enough torn limbs and bite marks could compare to the ruin he'd wrecked on me. Jasper's arms circled my waist, and he pulled me back so hard my feet left the ground for a moment, his hold unrelenting through my violent kicks and screams.  
"You ruined me! You abandoned me, destroyed me...I hate you! Do you hear me? I hate you!"  
"You don't wanna do this. Come on, Bella," Jasper said, smoothing the hair out of my face and resting his hand against my neck, and after a couple minutes of struggling I finally gave into him.  
"You stay away from me," I warned Edward, my voice cracking from the strain all that screaming had made. I hadn't felt this rotten and angry in such a very long time, and I wished so much that I could erase this pity I felt for him and go back to that place where all he could do was simply make me feel bad.  
"I will not," Edward scoffed, shooting a glare at Jasper. "Jasper may not be worried about it, but I am not about to let you go up against Victoria on your own."  
"I can take care of myself," I spat, so very furious and so very upset that I didn't have the power to shoot laser beams out of my eyes. I'd worked hard to be self-sufficient, and here he was assuming I was the same weak girl he'd left back in Washington when he didn't even know anything.  
"I doubt that."  
"Wanna go a round with her? I wonder who would walk away," Jasper challenged, to my extreme satisfaction.  
Edward scowled and reluctantly shook his head, pulling out what he must have thought was his ace in the hole. "Carlisle is expecting your call."  
"So what?" Jasper shot back. "Carlisle doesn't have any influence over me."  
"This isn't over." Edward threatened after a moment, taking a step backward and keeping his angry glare steady focused on Jasper. "I will give you time to calm her down, and I will talk to Alice, but don't doubt for a second that I will be back."  
Edward's last words hung in the air long after he'd turned his back on us and walked back down the driveway, and the moment he was out of hearing range I rounded on Jasper, ready to take all this pent up anger out on him. "Why did you stop me?"  
"Because we need him," Jasper answered, his voice dark. "After this shit with Victoria is over, and we know Emmett and Rose are safe, then you can do whatever your pretty little head desires to that boy."  
"I can't believe him."  
Jasper sighed, biting his lip for a moment before closing his eyes. "I know you don't want to hear this, and I don't particularly want to say it either...but I don't think he meant to be so hurtful. He's just...he's a seventeen year old boy, Bella; by definition he's a little stupid."  
"What did you feel from him?" I finally asked even though I knew Jasper was right, I didn't really want to hear it—but I thought that maybe I needed to.  
"Regret, mostly. He's angry with me because he wants you back; I think he's trying too hard to convince himself that he has a chance," Jasper answered.  
"I love that you tell me the truth," I blurted out. "Even when you lie you don't, and I just...I love that about you."  
A little bit of Jasper's irritation melted, and he relaxed minutely as he led me back into the house through the almost never used front door. I left him in the living room to retrieve the video of Charlie's wedding, because I'd be damned if I let Edward ruin my plans for today, and when I popped the video in Jasper asked, "You know what he was talking about...right?"  
"Three hundred sixty-two?" I clarified, and when Jasper nodded I waggled my eyebrows at him. "You sure got around, didn't you?"  
Jasper narrowed his eyes at me and gave me a funny look when I sat next to him on the couch, remote control in hand. "It doesn't bother you?"  
"Oh please," I snorted. "My ex-boyfriend tattled on you to Daddy; I think we're both a little embarrassed about some of the choices we've made in the romance department right now."  
Truthfully it didn't bother me, not like I thought it would have anyway. I'd meant what I said out on the lawn; that may have been Jasper's past, but it wasn't his present, and it certainly wasn't going to be his future. Besides, Jasper had said it himself that first night we'd slept together; with me it was different, and I found that I didn't care so much if there were others before, because I was the only one he'd ever been with in that way. I held one of his firsts, even if it wasn't the big one, and that was just as meaningful.  
"You are the strangest girl," Jasper said as he leaned his head back against the top of the couch and stared at the ceiling.  
"Why would you say that?" I was a little offended, but Jasper tended to begin his trains of thought in odd places.  
"Because it's true," he answered immediately, and I was about ready to smack him one when he turned his head and I saw the teasing glint in his eyes.  
"Jerk," I mumbled, snuggling into his side and pressing the play button on the remote.  
It had been a beautiful wedding; short, simple, and very Charlie. The smile I had on my face was fond, and when the tape ended I immediately rewound it to watch one more time. I wanted the images to be seared into my memory, wanted to remember every single detail as Charlie took Sue's hand in his and awkwardly mumbled his vows with a happy smile on his face—and for the very first time I thought that maybe it wouldn't be so bad to be someone's wife, especially if that someone was Jasper, so long as he looked at me the way Charlie looked at Sue.  
Peter and Charlotte came back towards the end of the second run of the tape, and Charlotte took a seat next to me and leaned her head on my shoulder while Peter stood behind her, resting his forearms on the back of the couch.  
"Your Dad looks like he's a good guy," Charlotte muttered, and I nodded my agreement. "I've gotta go meet Puppy Chow, you guys should hunt while we're on patrol."  
"Yeah," I agreed, reluctantly stopping the video. The previously tolerable burning in my throat had reached a fever pitch, and I was anxious to quench the thirst it brought.  
"I'll switch out with you sometime around midnight," Peter conferred with Charlotte, and she tipped her head back so he could kiss her sweetly on the forehead before she bounded off the couch and out the back door. It was still a little weird to see Peter be so openly affectionate.  
Peter stood in place behind the couch for another minute, and I caught Jasper glancing at him out of the corner of his eye. It was incredibly strange to see them in a fight.  
"I'm gonna run a couple drills with Leah," Peter finally said, his voice hard. "Then I'm gonna go give Alice a crash course in fighting minus psychic powers, we'll try to find Edward and give him some practice too."  
"Okay," Jasper agreed, turning his head to face him just as Peter marched out the back door and let it slam shut behind him.  
"Let's get you something to eat," I said cheerfully, choosing to ignore the tension as I pulled Jasper to his feet and dragged him out the back door just in time to catch sight of Peter darting into the woods to our south.  
We didn't waste time with trivial things like restraint or control, at this point those thing no longer mattered, and despite everything that was going wrong it was kind of nice to feel like I had all the time in the world to get a handle on my bloodlust; at the very least it was one less thing to worry about right now.  
I'd actually never witnessed Jasper hunting before, usually when we went together it was for me to feed, and he'd go alone later. He was savage in chasing his prey, showed no mercy or hesitation, and the scene reminded me of a night so very long ago when Jasper had held Edward by his throat against the wall of the Cullen's living room and showed me his monster for the very first time. It was incredible, and I resolved to make sure that when this was all over I would make him see that he didn't have to keep this side of himself from me. His beast may be tame, but it was still there, it was part of him, and it was just as beautiful to watch him slink through the forest as it was to watch him lay out in the yard under the moonlight.  
Alice sent another text message as we were on the way back to the house, letting me know that she'd finally met up with Edward and had mostly gotten him under control. Peter was with them now, and it seemed he had even less patience for Edward than Jasper or I had—but I imagined that had more to do with Edward's attitude that anything else; it had probably only taken minutes before he'd spouted off some sort of righteous nonsense, and Peter had very little tolerance for those types of things.  
I'd thought about it before, how narrowly I'd escaped a very different future that I was sure I didn't want, but it was even clearer now. If I'd spoken one single word differently I'd be in a completely different place; if I hadn't actually thought about what had occurred when I came home from Italy I'd most likely be in the middle of round two with Edward, and I probably still wouldn't know Jasper very well at all.  
It made my heart hurt, and I tried to imagine it, what a life built with Edward might look like, but the only word I could think of was 'repressed'. He would have positively smothered me, and I would have spent the rest of my existence letting him because I wouldn't have had Jasper and Charlotte to help me get over my abandonment issues.  
I probably never would have gotten to spend any time with Seth, though I was sure our parents probably would have still ended up together, and as I walked through the woods with Jasper I bit my lip and contemplated just what sort of an awful person would make no effort whatsoever to get to know their step-siblings, because there was no doubt in my mind that Edward wouldn't have wanted me to spend any time with the wolves, and I would probably have let him dictate that for me.  
Jasper slung his arm over my shoulders and tugged me close before pressing a kiss to my temple. He didn't say anything, and I appreciated so much that he would always give me space when I needed to think, but he still never made me feel like I was alone.  
Leah was snoring on the deck when we got back to the house, and I chuckled quietly as I passed her. "She almost looks like a sweetheart when she's sleeping."  
"Oh please," Jasper laughed, rolling his eyes. "That girl's meaner than hell."  
"She seems to like you well enough," I shrugged as we made our way toward our bedroom so I could change my clothes. I'd been a bit of a messy eater today.  
"She doesn't like me," Jasper corrected. "She respects me, there's a big difference."  
"Say whatever you want," I sang out. "You're like, her best friend ever in the whole wide world."  
Jasper's eyes were focused squarely on my chest as I peeled off my soiled t-shirt and threw it in the laundry hamper, and for a moment I wondered if he'd even heard my teasing. He didn't snap out of his ogling until I'd pulled a clean shirt over my head, the look he gave me once his eyes travelled to my face wasn't the least bit ashamed for getting caught. "I'm sorry, what?"  
"Never mind," I laughed  
Jasper's phone beeped with a reminder to send Leah out to meet Peter, and he made quick work of the errand as I gazed out the back window at the pair of them. Leah didn't take too kindly to being woken, but after a few choice words she stretched her arms upward and took off across the yard to begin her shift. Jasper and I would take over at sunrise, and though I'd never admit it to anyone, I was a little excited about going on my first patrol. It was scary, yes, but I'd never done anything like this before, and I found myself salivating for the new experience. Besides, only a crazy person would complain about six hours alone in the woods with Jasper, even if Peter had expressly forbidden any 'hanky-panky'.  
Silence fell over the house again, and for some reason it felt like Jasper and I had spent more time alone in this house than we had in the past months, even though we had guests who actually used their bedrooms now.  
Jasper's intent was clear when he came back into the bedroom and kissed me passionately as he ran his hands up my sides underneath my shirt and backed me up against the dresser. I drew Jasper's lip between my tip and nipped lightly when he lifted me up and set me on the edge, and I wondered if he intended to run through all the bases before hitting it home tonight; that's what always seemed to happen when a flat surface besides the bed got involved.  
It could have been just me, but I was sure that it wasn't. Our movements were deliberate, the desperate need to prove something to each other clear in the way my fingers dug into the flesh of Jasper's shoulder and the tight hold he had on the back of my neck as he pressed his lips against mine still harder.  
"How much time do we have?" I gasped against his skin as I fumbled with the button of his jeans. It still amazed me how he could make me feel so utterly human.  
"Enough."  
"Good."  
A sharp whistle pierced the air, and Jasper swore, pulling away from my busy hands.  
"What was that?" I gaped, incredibly annoyed that the mood seemed to be ruined.  
"Signal," Jasper answered shortly, re-buttoning his pants and bending to retrieve his shirt. "Peter found something."  
"Figures," I groaned, hopping down from the top of the dresser to right my clothes while Jasper darted out to the living room to retrieve his cell phone.  
"What is it?" he asked, walking back into our bedroom.  
"Ten minutes west," Peter replied, and Jasper hung up without saying anything else.  
"What's going on?" I was worried, and tension had been running high—but this intuition, this sick feeling in my gut was getting worse by the second and I thought that I just might go insane if Jasper didn't say something immediately.  
"We have to meet Peter," Jasper replied shortly, pressing more keys on his phone. "Charlotte and Seth will pick up the patrol, let's go."  
The feeling of foreboding that had been growing inside me reached a fever pitch as we ran; the sense of anticipation that had been flowing through me became still stronger. Somehow I knew that this was it, that this was that one thing that had been hovering on the horizon, threatening to push us all over the edge and straight into the center of warfare.  
Three figures stood in the moonlit field, Peter and Leah's were easy to pick out due to Peter's frame and Leah's fluttering dress. The last figure was a man, nearly as tall as Peter and skinny. His clothes were torn and dirty, and he had scratches running along his arms, those were probably Leah's handiwork; he stood between the two of them, his gaze darting all around as Peter kept a tight grip on his upper arm.  
"Look what I came across," Peter said conversationally, as if he were showing Jasper something as simple as a new gadget he'd discovered.  
Jasper took a step forward, examining this strange man for a moment before asking, "Where did you find him?"  
"A few miles south."  
"You should go," Leah muttered to my left. "You don't want to be here for this."  
"I'll stay." I wanted to hear this information first hand, and even though I knew this was going to get grisly I had some sort of sick desire to watch. Besides, Jasper didn't want us separated right now, and neither did I.  
Jasper threw a worried look over his shoulder at me, catching my eye for just a moment before looking back toward the vampire struggling in Peter's grasp. "What is your name?"  
The man said nothing, just continued to try and squirm away from Peter, and when Jasper took a step forward and pushed the sleeves of his shirt up as he crossed his arms the mystery vampire stilled with wide eyes.  
"It is unwise to withhold information I want. You are not going back to Victoria, I'm going to kill you, the only question is how creative am I going to be?"  
"We used to have a contest of sorts back in our camp," Peter added, releasing the man and falling into line with Jasper. Whatever tension had been running between the two of them over the course of the past couple days was long forgotten. "This one's the reigning champ. What was it, J? Three weeks?"  
"Twenty-three days."  
"Ah, that's right. We sure did get bored easy back then."  
"Jeremy," the man scowled. "My name is Jeremy."  
"And why are you here, Jeremy?" Jasper asked smoothly, and I could feel the familiar buzzing over my skin that meant he was using his gift.  
"I was sent to verify some information," the strange man answered before grinning smugly. "No matter what you do to me you've given up your position. If I don't come back she'll know you caught me."  
"Well, you're just not very smart now are you," Peter growled. "You should know better than to goad the people who hold your life in their hands."  
"She's going to kill me anyway."  
Peter looked to Jasper, clearly waiting for some sort of response, but he gave none, and Peter cast a glance in my direction before pressing his lips together. "Always going for second best nowadays."  
Peter's barb seemed to spur something within Jasper, and it was nothing short of amazing to watch him straighten out his posture, square his shoulders and raise his head toward the captive vampire. I was watching moment by moment as he came back to himself, grew back into that man who so many had feared all those years ago, but there was a difference that I needed a few seconds to identify; this Jasper knew that what he was doing was right, he could comprehend the difference between good and evil, love and hate, and he'd consciously decided that this was the balance he needed.  
It was fire that he took to like a birthright, and I found myself pleased that even if he wasn't ready, even if he hadn't wanted to fill these shoes again, I'd known him well enough to have faith that he would.  
"Go find Charlotte," Jasper said softly, turning toward Peter a little. "I've got this."  
"Thanks," Peter mumbled, leaving with a brisk pace.  
The man Jasper had cornered seemed to be assessing the situation now that there were only the three of us left to guard him, and when he took a small step to the left Leah mirrored him and phased, growling fiercely and halting his movements as shreds of her light blue dress fell to the ground in stark contrast against the dark green moonlit blades.  
"I'm sorry you have to be here for this," Jasper told me.  
"I'm alright."  
"Okay," he said, redirecting his focus toward the mysterious vampire, lowering his voice and tilting his head as he spoke his next words. "Tell me about the newborns."  
I again felt a buzz travel across my skin, and I thought that perhaps Jasper was projecting fear at this strange man—but to my extreme surprise the vampire named Jeremy began to laugh.  
"What do you find so funny?" Jasper asked, and the man began to smile.  
"It doesn't matter," he said, raising his face toward the moon hanging directly overhead, "you've already lost."  
An eerie silence fell over our group for the briefest of moments before a multitude of things all happened at once; the wind shifted directions, bringing with it the scents of more vampires; Jasper let out a feral growl in tune with Leah just as another sharp whistle sounded from the south; and somewhere to our east a long howl cried out into the night, and without a second glance in our direction, Leah took off toward her brother.  
It felt like I was moving in slow motion as my head swiveled to our right, into the wind, to see two pairs of crimson eyes staring back at me from a few yards into the trees, and instinctually I moved closer to Jasper and took another deep breath, trying to divine any information I could from the foreign scents floating through the air.  
I was vaguely aware of a soft vibration in the pocket of my jeans, alerting me to an incoming message—but there was no time for that right now, and we already knew something had gone wrong.  
"What do we do?" I asked, not even bothering to try and whisper, these men were vampires, newborns if my hunch was correct; they could hear us anyway. Our captive was still grinning in our direction as I asked my question, unmoving and confident in his position.  
Jasper swallowed thickly and took a couple deep breaths before muttering, "Plan C."  
I nodded, watching with wide eyes as these two other vampires slunk forward and fell into line behind Jeremy, and with one last glance at Jasper out of the corner of my eye I set my jaw and clenched my fists.  
Jasper closed his eyes serenely, and a moment later I felt the air pulse all around me, almost like I'd been compressed for half a second before being let free again. The three enemy vampires seemed frozen in place; eyes wide with terror as Jasper darted toward the first, the bait, and ripped his head clean off his neck.  
"Start a fire," Jasper said lowly, reaching into his pocket and tossing me the lighter he retrieved from its depths, and he focused his attention on the two newcomers.  
The next one went down as quick as the first, though he tried to run. The third...Jasper took his time with the third as I set about the task of gathering kindling as quickly as possible so we could burn our opponents.  
"How many are there?" Jasper demanded behind me, his voice nothing more than a growl.  
"Th-there were a t-total of sixteen," the vampire unfortunate enough to be the last to be killed stuttered out, and I glanced behind me to see Jasper crouched on all fours over him, his fingernails digging into the man's neck. His legs had already been torn off, and laid a few feet to the right, along with a hand and what took me a moment to identify as an ear.  
"Where is Victoria?" Jasper rumbled, and I redirected my focus to the task at hand, my fingers fumbling with the lighter as I got the dry branches and leaves in order like Peter had shown me; this was so very different from any of our practices, and I couldn't help but feel that all of my training and preparation had done absolutely nothing to get me ready for the reality of what was happening.  
"North."  
"Who's with her? Are they gifted?"  
"There's a girl," the man gasped, his breath sounding ragged and forced. "We call her The Leech. She guards the captives, keeps them sedate."  
"Anything else I should know?" Jasper asked threateningly, the air vibrating all around him again.  
The man made a choking sound, but whatever Jasper felt from him must have been confirmation enough that he wasn't withholding anything he deemed important, and as soon as the blaze in front of me began Jasper ripped a third head from its body and threw it in the fire.  
I watched silently as Jasper dismembered and disposed of the remains of these three nameless men, forcing myself to keep calm and take deep breaths. The last one, he'd said there was a girl who guarded the captives, and my mind flashed to Emmett and Rosalie.  
"You still with me Bella?" Jasper asked, moving to stand in front of me.  
"Yeah," I choked out. "We have to find Em and Rosalie...and we have to find the others, make sure they're okay...oh my God, Jasper..." It was so hard to make myself focus, to remember that this was one of the million and one scenarios that had been laid out over the coffee table over the course of the past months.  
What we had to do was stick to the plan, we had contingencies for this, and as I took a deep and shuddering breath I nodded laboriously at Jasper, letting him know that I could keep it together. "North, he said she's north."  
"Let's go."


	25. Chapter 25

We crept through the woods silently, moving into the treetops after a couple of minutes. My phone vibrated in my pocket again, and this time I checked the message.

_P & C ok. Edw. & wolves ok. 6 newborns down._

"They got six," I whispered, relaying the information to Jasper. He nodded, the hint of pride coloring the gesture, before nodding in front of us to urge us forward.

The ten minutes we spent slinking through branches and leaves on our way to Victoria were the longest of my life, and I was stuck in the train of thought that she always managed to get the drop on us somehow. Every single time she caught us off-guard and I had no idea how—but the difference this time was that we'd planned for her to do something like this. We'd known from the moment Rosalie and Emmett appeared to be real captives rather than moles that something had gone wrong, and the knowledge that Victoria thought that she could hold my brother hostage spurred me on.

Jasper held up a hand in front of me, silently signaling for us to halt our progress, and when I took my next breath I smelled vampires on the wind.

I climbed to Jasper's branch, searching for confirmation that this was the spot we were looking for, and off in the distance I saw a tiny girl crouched between Rosalie and Emmett, who were reclined against a wide tree and looked to be in some state of catatonia. There was a stocky man standing in front of the three, and it appeared that he was guarding the trio—but the vampire Jasper interrogated said that the gifted one was a girl, that she guarded the captives...so why would the guard need a guard of her own?

To the right I caught a flash of red, and the hue tinted my vision, it caused absolute hatred and rage to build up inside me and come gushing out toward the surface. Somewhere in the back of my mind I likened the feeling to heartburn, and it was one of the hardest things I'd ever had to do when I swallowed the growl that threatened to explode from my chest. We had to be silent, couldn't give away our position just yet.

I looked to Jasper, at the same time as he reached for me, and he pulled me to him and seared a kiss over my lips before pressing his face against my neck and mouthing instructions against my skin. 'I'll get the ones on the left. You get Victoria.'

I nodded, and followed his example with a silent 'I love you' against his jaw before pulling away from him and taking a deep breath.

I didn't even need to look at Jasper; we struck in unison.

A small part of my mind still kept tabs on Jasper, but once I was certain he was winning the fight against his target with ease every molecule of my body and mind focused on Victoria's slight frame standing mere yards in front of me. Our eyes met across the expanse of trees, the tiny circles of crimson flooded my vision.

Victoria's gaze flickered to Jasper before returning to me, and then she fled.

I remembered this, giving chase and weaving between trees trying to reach something just out of my grasp as I dreamed back in my bed in Forks. Victoria's hair flew in the wind in front of me, and this time I could catch her, because she was fast, but I was faster.

I wished we'd thought to practice this, I wasn't sure exactly what would happen if I used my shield to try and knock her down while we were running full tilt—but I made my best guess and pushed out the invisible bubble around me as hard as I could. The ground rumbled beneath my feet and the trees vibrated as Victoria went soaring through the air, and I pushed myself to run faster, leaping when I was close. I was rewarded with the feeling of Victoria crashing into the forest floor beneath me, and for a moment I was so surprised that my spur of the moment plan had worked that Victoria was almost able to wriggle out from under me.

"I don't think so." My voice was nothing but a growl, and when I grabbed the shoulder of Victoria's shirt to force her onto her back her red eyes were wide, full of grief and fear.

I had never seen Victoria up close before, and now that I was, there was only one thing written all over her face. I finally understood what all of this meant; I'd pretended and lied when I told myself that her motives were outrageous, and I'd rationalized my desire as for the greater good—but with that one look sympathy flooded me. If someone had the nerve to take Jasper...there's nothing I wouldn't do to make them pay, and nothing would stop me from ending it all once I'd destroyed each and every person who'd contributed. There was no moving on from a loss of that magnitude.

We'd been wrong about her motives, from the very beginning. This wasn't simply revenge, this wasn't about exacting vengeance—not entirely anyway; it was a kamikaze attack. No wonder we'd never been able to predict her movements, we'd always assumed she intended to survive.

"This is mercy," I whispered, "You'll never stop, not until we're both dead, and I get it now; you can't live without him. I'm sorry he was taken away from you, but I won't allow you to take _him_ from _me._ "

Victoria nodded her head minutely, and closed her eyes.

My teeth tore through the skin of her neck like it was butter, the taste of agony bitter on the tip of my tongue, and when I gathered her hair in my fist and ripped her head from her body I could almost feel the relief that colored her pain. It was over, and she hadn't ever cared which one of us died. She'd probably hoped it was going to be her all along.

It felt like an out of body experience, separating her limbs from her torso, and when I was finished I sat back on my heels and stared at the pieces, these individual components that made up Victoria's life and body...I could have sworn it was bile I swallowed down.

We'd wound up closer to what sounded like the actual battle, and when a yelp filled the air that I knew had come from Seth it finally spurred me back into action. Victoria wasn't dead, not yet, and I had a job to finish.

My legs trembled beneath me when I clamored to my feet, and as I stared at the remains of this woman who had haunted me for the better part of the past year my head swam with what I was about to do. It almost felt like I was going to lose something, like that precious piece of humanity that still lingered in my veins would be snapped and splintered the moment I built the pyre and tossed her head into the flames. My hands trembled as I gathered up kindling and flicked Jasper's lighter with my thumb, and as I stared at the flames licking their way through the brush that persistent nagging in the pit of my stomach that had told me we'd overlooked something made perfect sense; I didn't know if I'd actually be able do this, and no matter how hard I'd tried to convince myself I could, I'd never really been sure.

"I got it," Jasper said quietly. I hadn't even noticed his approach.

It felt like I just might start crying, watching Jasper pick up the pieces of Victoria and deposit them in the fire. The realization that he knew me so well, understood every single piece of me to the point where he'd been aware that I had to tear her apart myself, but wouldn't be able to bring myself to burn her made me ache and crackle with all the love for him that ran through my veins.

Understanding flooded me so fast I could barely keep up. This feeling, this knowing; this was what it meant to have a mate, and it wasn't exactly what I'd always assumed; it wasn't just about love. Jasper and I, we were meant to be, and it didn't matter in what way. We could have been friends, we could have been lovers, even siblings; the connection we had transcended all of that. We just needed each other, and we were better for it.

Jasper had killed today, but he hadn't taken any steps back, because he'd done it in the name of something else. He'd killed to protect me, to protect his friends, and he'd done it so I wouldn't have to.

"Thanks," I whispered, my voice raspy, and though I would have liked to find better words, some more elegant way of communicating everything I felt in this moment and everything I'd realized today, it was impossible—and Jasper understood anyway.

"Where's Emmett?" I asked, praying that he was alright; I hadn't gotten as good a look at him as I wanted.

"He's fine, Rose is fine, and they've gone to help the others. That girl...she was doing something to them. Rosalie said that when she touched them it was like they went into a trance, all the energy was sucked right out of them. She ran the second I distracted the guard, but we'll find her after we assess the situation with everyone else." Jasper rattled off the information quickly as he finished the process of scouring the area for any remaining pieces of Victoria, then he took my hand in his and tugged me to his chest. "You did good, Bella."

I nodded against the cotton of his shirt, letting myself have this one moment of peace knowing that soon this would all be over.

"Come on, we have to get to the others," Jasper urged, nodding toward the continual sounds of distant fighting.

We ran through the woods as quick as we could, and though I was a little faster than Jasper I kept pace with him. I didn't want to go barging into something before we knew the scope of the situation, and this was one of those things that Jasper needed to take the lead on.

I knew the moment we'd gotten there; the same thick smoke we'd just left behind hung in the air, the all too familiar smell of burned vampire heavy throughout the area.

The battle looked to be mostly over. Emmett and Rosalie had made it in time to help, and I caught sight of Emmett tearing an arm off another nameless newborn while Rosalie helped Charlotte gather up the ones who had already been incapacitated and toss them in the raging bonfire that was just off-center of all destruction.

It took me a moment to come to terms with it, the fact that Emmett was _right there_ , and I'd wanted to see him so bad for so long. I stood and stared for a moment, watching as he completed his task and turned a little to wink at Rosalie, and Jasper reached out to nudge my shoulder.

"Go on."

It was all the encouragement I needed. I ran full speed at Emmett, smiling brightly when he caught sight of me and grinned.

"Bella!" Emmett boomed, and I jumped the last two feet and wound my arms around his neck so hard I was almost worried I would strangle him. Emmett's arms went around my waist, and he lifted me off the ground and spun in circles so fast that if I were human I was sure I would have vomited within seconds.

"I missed you," I whispered, squeezing my eyes shut as I tried to keep breathing normally instead of letting out the sobs that were building in my chest.

"I'm so damn sorry, Bells. Never again, I swear, okay? I'm not leaving again."

"Me either," I exhaled, and Emmett squeezed me tighter for a moment before setting me back on the ground and stepping back, his hand resting on my shoulder.

"Now let me get a look at Bella 2.0," he grinned, eying me up and down before nodding approvingly. "Jasper does good work."

"You thought she'd turn out to be anything less than magnificent?" Jasper asked sarcastically, approaching us with Rosalie at his side.

"Nah, I knew she'd wind up awesome, she always was."

Jasper and Emmett continued their banter, Jasper's barbs short and sarcastic while Emmett's were booming and full of laughter. I glanced around to see Rosalie had stopped a few yards away to stare at her husband with a small smile on her face.

Off to the right I caught sight of Edward talking to Alice, who looked to have suffered some sort of injury because she had her right hand clasped around her left arm, and every few moments she would wince slightly. Edward kept glancing over in our direction, his expression unreadable, and as I continued to examine the area I considered going over to talk to Alice.

The only ones missing from the scene were Leah, Seth, and Peter, and when I heard an angry growl past the fire, I threw a curious glance at Emmett before setting out in search of them, desperate with the hope that they were all okay; Jasper two steps behind me.

The growl had come from Leah, and she let out another one as soon as I caught sight of the bizarre scene they were in the middle of. Seth was prowling back and forth in front of a tree, his scent nearly strong enough to mask the vampire cowering behind him, but not quite. Leah mirrored her brother's movements, letting out snarls and hisses every time she changed direction, presumably trying to get to whoever Seth was guarding.

I would have been worried, if it weren't for Peter. He stood off to the side, shaking his head with an astounded look on his face as he rubbed his palm roughly over his cheek in that way Jasper did sometimes when he had no idea what to make of a situation. Whatever was going on, it didn't seem to be horribly serious.

"What in the hell?" Jasper spat out just as Leah made another try for the vampire, and the sound of his angry voice brought the wolves' motions to a halt.

"Dude, I don't even know," Peter admitted. "Puppy Chow went nuts about ten minutes ago over this one, won't let any of us near her."

"Oh, crap," I muttered. "Did he imprint?"

"No," Jasper answered, tilting his head curiously as he examined the trio. "You two need to phase so we can talk about this." Seth gave a sharp bark at his words, but quieted again with one scathing look from Jasper. "We won't do anything until you get back, but I have to know what we're dealing with, okay."

Seth looked from Jasper to Leah, before he fixed his gaze on me, the plea clear in this shining of his eyes.

"I'll take care of it," I nodded, but when Seth stepped away from his charge my breath caught in my throat in surprise.

It was the girl from earlier, the one who had somehow subdued Emmett and Rosalie.

"You better hurry," I warned him, taking a look at Jasper, who seemed shocked, but in control. I had no idea what he'd felt from Seth, or from the girl, but I didn't want anything to happen before Seth got a chance to explain.

Seth nudged Leah, and she followed him off into the woods as they headed in the direction of the house.

"No, no, no, no." The girl was folded in on herself, her knees bent against her chest and her long, brown hair covering most of her face. She'd started rocking the second Seth stepped away from her, and now that he was gone she'd started mumbling under her breath. "I don't wanna fight...please...no, no, no."

I wasn't quite sure what to do with her, I'd never really had to comfort anyone like this, and when I looked to Jasper for some sort of advice he looked just as lost as I felt. After a few minutes Peter had had enough of our shared looks of helplessness, and he took a couple steps forward and crouched down to her level.

"Hey there, it's gonna be alright. He'll be back soon, okay?" Peter reached out a hand as he spoke, and when his fingers were a few inches from the girl's leg she screamed and scurried around the tree.

"No! NO!"

"Rosalie said that when she touched them..." Jasper said quietly, connecting the pieces a moment before I did.

"Okay, okay," Peter said, keeping his voice calm and quiet, holding up his hands in surrender. "You can come back out, we're not gonna touch you."

"I did bad, I did bad. Please...please don't make me fight," she begged, peeking her head around the tree to look at the three of us, and the moment her eyes landed on Jasper she took in a sharp breath. "Oh, God...no, no, no."

It took me a moment to figure out her reaction, but I'd gotten used to the multitude of scars that crossed over Jasper and Peter. They weren't going to be able to help at all; I remembered all too clearly that absolute panic that had enveloped me the first time I'd seen Jasper as a vampire, and the intense and instinctual reaction that had coursed through me when I met Peter.

"You're going to have to move back, Peter," I instructed. If we were going to keep her from bolting we were going to have to do something to make her feel safe, and it seemed like I was going to be the only one who had a chance in hell of making that happen; her eyes were already darting all over the place, searching for the best way to flee.

Peter looked briefly at Jasper, who nodded and took a couple of steps back himself before fixing me with a look that said 'you better know what you're doing' just as clear as the words would have. Peter moved to stand next to him after another moment, his arms crossed over his chest and a wary look on his face.

"What's your name?" I asked the girl as kindly as I could, and I took a couple of strides closer to get a better look at her.

"Please don't hurt me," she whispered. "I don't want to fight."

"I know, we're not going to hurt you. My name's Bella." I didn't introduce Peter and Jasper, it was probably best to try and keep her focus off of them for the time being.

"Bree. My name is Bree," she said, eyeing the space between us before glancing right and left.

"The wolf that was helping you? His name is Seth, and he's going to be back in just a few minutes, okay?"

She was noticeably relieved at the knowledge, and when I took another step she didn't look quite so afraid. She was tiny, around the same height as Alice, but it wasn't until she shifted a little further out from behind the tree that I realized why that was. She was so young, couldn't have been more that thirteen or fourteen, and venom swam in my vision as I put together some of the pieces that had led to this strange turn of events.

The worst was her eyes. They were dark and haunted; they were just like Jasper's.

"Fuck me," Peter whispered behind me, and I had to nod my agreement.

"Bree?" I asked, swallowing back the lump in my throat. "Are you hurt?"

She shook her head, and I was thankful for that—but I'd also exhausted my limited resources when it came to dealing with a skittish teenage newborn.

Bree's eyes widened at the sounds of rustling in the foliage, and her body stiffened, moving closer to the tree she was using as a barricade.

"It's just Seth and Leah," I assured her, watching as she took a deep breath through her nose and relaxed at the smell of the wolves. She was such a strange girl.

Seth burst into view seconds later, Leah right after him, and she immediately went to stand next to Jasper while Seth moved to position himself closer to Bree.

"Start talking," Jasper ordered, and Seth glanced between Jasper and his sister.

"She surrendered," Seth said, his tone firm. "She didn't want to fight us, and I wasn't gonna kill her just because she got stuck in a bad spot."

"She's a bloodsucker, Seth," Leah scowled monotonously, and I imagined they'd had this same argument the whole way from the house. "We agreed to tolerate the Cullens, and we've already made concessions for two others."

"It's not her fault!" Seth spat, and I didn't think I'd ever even seen him irritated, much less this angry.

"Oh, please..."

"Don't be such a hypocrite, Leah. You can't play lieutenant to one vamp and kill the rest."

"Enough!" Jasper barked before focusing his attention on Bree, "Is this true? You surrendered?"

Bree looked absolutely terrified to be addressed, but nodded timidly after a second.

"And you were unwilling to fight? Is that why you were being guarded?" Jasper asked, and Bree nodded again.

"Because of her gift," I muttered, feeling so very awful for this poor girl.

"What is it you were doing to Rosalie and Emmett?" Jasper asked after a moment. "How does your power work?"

"Can we please deal with that later?" Seth snapped, casting a worried glance at Bree's frightened face and posture.

"No," Jasper answered firmly. "I want to know exactly what it is she can do, _right now._ "

"I don't know," Bree whispered, her voice shaky. "The others, they tried to kill me...when I touch them I can feel it leaking out of them...it's like they fall asleep..."

"Do you have to have physical contact?" Jasper asked, and Bree shook her head warily.

"Sometimes if they're close...not always."

Jasper glanced at Peter who was wearing the absolute best poker face I'd ever seen, and he deliberated for nearly a minute before rubbing his neck and shaking his head. "This is ridiculous, Seth. Even for you."

Seth beamed brightly, like Jasper had become his absolute hero in those ten minutes we spent discussing the fate of this girl, and I wondered if he'd ever really thought that Jasper wasn't going to let her live. I didn't, not really; the second I realized how old she probably was I knew Jasper wasn't going to be able to kill her, and I didn't think he'd be able to let anyone else do it either. There's a line there, and while I was sure Jasper had crossed it in the past, it wasn't something he'd ever do now.

"No shit," Peter muttered, turning and heading back towards the fire.

"Go on, Leah," Jasper said firmly, when it became apparent that she had nothing more to say, and she followed after Peter with a murderous yet conflicted expression on her face.

I turned back to Seth and Bree; she'd shifted a little further out from behind the tree in favor of hiding behind his tall frame, and I wondered about this girl again, and her gift.

"Why does she like you so much?" I blurted out, wincing when I realized how badly it came out sounding.

Seth remained tense, but didn't seem to be offended; he just chuckled to himself a little. "I dunno, probably has something to do with me being the first person around here who _wasn't_ trying to kill her."

Jasper rolled his eyes. "I didn't try to kill her either, Puppy Chow, girl fuckin' _bolted_."

"I'm so glad that nickname is catching on," I snickered. "Maybe Peter will get distracted and stop calling me _chiquita."_

"Is that what he's been calling you?" Seth asked, wrinkling his nose in confusion. "I always thought he was saying chica... Why did Peter nickname you after fruit?"

Seth's question broke the remaining tension, and for a moment I was sure Jasper had finally lost it, he was laughing so hard—but then I noticed Bree edge out a little further from behind Seth, and I thought that maybe he was just letting her see a less scary side of him so she'd be less afraid.

Bree's eyes darted between us as she abandoned her continual search for escape routes. She seemed more and more relaxed by the minute, and I thought it was actually very smart of Jasper to try to make her comfortable without a heavy dose of calm from his gift; that would surely cause more setbacks than it was worth.

"He didn't," I explained, my own giggles making it difficult to talk clearly.

"It means little girl," Bree whispered nervously.

"Yes, it does," I grinned at her; she was going to fit right in, and that thought brought another... "Hey, Bree, wanna see something cool?" I asked smiling in what I hoped was a reassuring manner as I edged closer to her.

She nodded at me nervously, but jumped back when I reached for her hand.

"It's alright, I promise." I took another few steps forward and reached out for her hand again, and this time she stood still as a board with a terrified look in her eyes.

My fingers brushed against hers briefly, and when I felt nothing I knew that my theory was correct; her gift wouldn't work on me. I took another step and touched my palm to her wrist; it was so thin that my fingers almost reached all the way around, and Bree's eyes shot to mine, wide with shock. She started shaking noticeably, a strangled sob sounded from deep within her chest, and two seconds later the young girl launched herself at me. Her hands pulled at my shirt as her legs gave out beneath her and we went tumbling to the forest floor as she let out deep cries against my shoulder that were so intense they almost sounded like screams.

"Shh, it's alright," I whispered to her, hugging her against me as she crawled into my lap, wondering if anyone had willingly touched her since she was turned.

"You think you can get her back to the house?" Jasper asked, sounding concerned, and I nodded. It wouldn't be easy, but I was sure I could manage. I could feel calm flowing around us, just a little, and with each labored inhale Bree seemed to pull it together a little more.

"Would you like to walk with me back to our house?" I asked Bree softly once she stopped sobbing, and when she agreed I stood slowly so she could get her footing. I wrapped my arm around her shoulders and let her keep her face buried in my shirt as I guided her back to the main group.

Emmett and Charlotte both gave our procession odd looks, but didn't dispute the decision to allow this last newborn to live. Leah still looked pretty angry; she stood far out to the side next to Peter, her arms crossed—but something about her stance seemed a little different, and I hoped Seth's words to her earlier had gotten her thinking.

Rosalie was the only one to step forward, and she did so with a sad smile on her face. "I'll come with you."

"Alright," I agreed, wondering what was going on when Rosalie reached out to run her hand over Bree's hair, pausing when she remembered what would happen, before withdrawing her limb with an unhappy look on her face. It seemed to me like Rosalie wanted very much to comfort her, and though I found it odd I decided not to question it until later.

I didn't ask Seth if he was coming, too, I already knew he was. The trip back to the house was slower going than I would have liked. It was strangely difficult to walk with Bree attached to my side, moving her feet in tandem with mine; it always felt like our strides were too short or too long, but eventually we made it through the trees and broke out into the back yard.

Bree's eyes were wide with amazement as we approached the modest house, and a few yards away from the deck stairs Jasper reached out to grab hold of my wrist and halt my movements.

"How controlled are you?" he asked Bree quietly, and the look she gave him was full of confusion. Jasper sighed, and elaborated, "Are you able to operate the shower on your own?"

Bree's eyes widened and she nodded her head sharply, and Jasper released my wrist from his grasp and motioned for me to continue into the house. "She can use our bathroom."

"That's a pretty big privilege," I said in mock sincerity. "Almost nobody gets to use _Jasper's_ shower."

Bree giggled, which had been my goal, and even Jasper looked pretty amused by the production I'd made out of his gesture.

"You really do look like you could stand to clean up a bit," I laughed, rubbing my thumb along Bree's dirty cheek. "I'll let you borrow some of my clothes, I'm sure I have something that'll fit you."

"Hang back for a minute," Jasper said, stopping Seth from following Rosalie and I as we guided Bree into the house, and I led her to me and Jasper's bedroom.

"Bathroom's through that door," I instructed, pointing to my right. "Shampoo and soap are already in there, and there are clean towels on the rack. I think I have some sweatpants that'll fit you," I continued on as I moved to the dresser and pulled open the top drawer with my free hand.

"Thank you," Bree whispered against my shoulder before pulling back to separate herself from me a little so she could get a clearer look at the room. "This is nice."

"You should have seen it before we painted," I snickered as I pulled out a pair of sweats with an elastic waist, they'd probably fit her well enough. "It was _awful_. There was this horrible wallpaper..."

"Jasper never did have a very good eye for that sort of thing," Rosalie added with a hint of humor in her voice.

She'd been so quiet, I'd almost forgotten she was here, and I turned to see her leaning casually against the door frame with a small smile on her face.

"I almost wish I had a picture," I offered as a response once I'd grabbed a t-shirt from the next drawer down. "It was yellow with all these crazy flowers all over it; I wouldn't even set foot in this room unless I absolutely had to."

I managed to extract myself from Bree's grasp, and gave her an encouraging nod as I handed her the clothes I'd picked out for her. Her smile back was hesitant, and I watched as she took careful steps toward the bathroom and nudged the door open before gently closing it behind her.

I turned back to Rosalie to see her staring at the closed door, that same smile still on her face, and it was something that I really just didn't understand.

"Aren't you, I don't know, mad at her?"

"No," Rosalie said, shaking her head a little with the word. "She didn't hurt us, and she didn't want to use her gift on us either. The entire time they had to guard her to keep her from running away. I don't think she was even trying, the power of it fluctuated a lot...like she was keeping it from affecting us too much."

"I can't believe how little she is," I said after a brief silence. It felt almost normal, talking to Rosalie like this, and I wanted to keep the conversation going so I could enjoy it for as long as I could.

"I know," Rosalie replied, sounding suddenly furious, and I glanced over at her again to see her jaw set and brows furrowed. "It's downright criminal to change someone so young. I wish you hadn't burned Victoria—I'd like to put her back together just to rip her apart again."

"I think I probably wouldn't have been so humane about it if I'd known..." I muttered, and Rosalie turned to look at me with shock written all over her face.

"Humane? Why on earth would you have done anything nice for that awful woman?"

"She lost her mate," I answered, shoving my hands in my pockets and rocking back on my heels a little bit as I tried to come up with a way to explain my reasoning. Finally I settled on saying, "If it were Jasper, I might have done much worse."

Silence fell over us again, and it was oddly companionable. Maybe after everything that had happened Rosalie and I could build some sort of functioning relationship. It'd be nice, and even if in the end I couldn't stand her I'd still try for Emmett's sake; it wasn't really fair to him to have us being so hostile towards each other—but I had a feeling that it wouldn't be a problem anyway.

Steam escaped from the bathroom when the door swung open, and Bree stepped out. She was swimming in my clothes, but at least they were just baggy and not falling off of her. Now that she'd cleaned up she looked a little happier, but the removal of dirt and grime had made her look even younger, and again my heart clenched.

Bree said a quiet thank you before we led her back out to the living room, to find Jasper and Seth sitting quietly on the couch. Jasper looked irritated, but he schooled his expression into something more neutral once he caught sight of us. Seth just grinned in our direction.

"Wanna hang out for a bit, Bree? They've gotta go finish cleaning up that mess," he asked, and she nodded slightly before catching herself and looking to me.

"It's alright," I shrugged, amused with her caution at accepting the invitation.

Bree took a deliberate step toward the love seat, and when Jasper rose up, she stiffened. He called no notice to the action, simply came over and pressed a kiss against my temple, told me he'd be outside, and walked out of the house.

"He scares me," Bree whispered lowly.

"That's okay," I promised her. "Just remember that he's not going to hurt you, and that he's on my side, which puts him on yours."

"Okay." Bree took the last few steps toward the love seat and sat. Seth grinned at her and grabbed the remote off the coffee table. "Wanna watch a movie? They've got _tons_ of 'em."

I chuckled on my way outside with Rosalie, and I hoped Seth would be sticking around for a little while longer. His school didn't start for another couple of weeks, and something told me that he'd be good for making Bree more comfortable.

"Hey," Jasper smiled from out in the yard, and I took a running leap over the deck railing and went straight into his outstretched arms.

"We have to deal with all that other crap now, don't we?" I whined into his chest, smiling when I felt the rumble of his laugh against my cheeks.

"Yep, but after that we're going to have a party."

"Emmett convinced you?" I was pretty surprised, and when I pulled my head back to look Jasper in the face his eyes were sparkling with amusement.

"No, you did," he answered simply, and he took my hand in his and started leading me back through the woods to where our far too curious friends and family were waiting. "But that shit's going down _outside_."

"Yes sir," I mock saluted him, and Jasper shook his head with a short chuckle.

Everyone was standing in nearly the same places we'd left them, though Edward and Alice had edged closer to the main group.

"Jasper..." Emmett started, looking worried. "She's gifted, and she can't control it. Are you sure this is a good idea?"

"Yes," Jasper scowled, and I nudged him in the side to communicate my displeasure at his shortness with Emmett.

Rosalie had an odd look on her face as she eyed Jasper, and a few minutes later she gave a short nod. "It's not like she can actually hurt anyone with it, even if she loses control it probably won't be a big deal; as soon as she ran away it was like nothing had happened."

"Alright," Emmett agreed reluctantly, "Rose and I can take her home with us, I'm sure Carlisle won't mind."

"No," I snapped, and all heads turned to me, mostly wearing varying expressions of shock, but Jasper was smiling a little bit, and I took that to mean that he wanted Bree to stay here with us, too.

"Okay," Emmett said, sounding a little more comfortable, and he turned to address Jasper. "You sure you can handle two newborns, man?"

"Oh please," Charlotte said, finally adding in her two cents. "Bella hasn't acted like a newborn in months, and from what little I've seen this other girl doesn't really act like one either. It'll be fine."

"We can handle it." I found it kind of surprising, how quiet Jasper was around this larger group of people—but he'd never really been one for words, not unless he was talking to me.

It had been decided on already; Jasper and Charlotte were just assuring Emmett and Rosalie that it was okay, so I found my attention wandering over to Alice. I was a little disappointed she hadn't come over yet, I really wanted to talk to her, face to face, and just as I resigned myself to wait for her to pry herself away from her brother a flash of determination passed through me. This was ridiculous, I was going to have to deal with Edward eventually, and it was just plain stupid of me to try to put it off; I'd spent the better part of the past six months playing the avoidance game, and it was something I was tired of.

"I'll be right back," I muttered to Jasper, dropping his hand before he had a chance to respond and headed over to Alice.

"Hi Bella," she grinned, rubbing her arm slowly.

"Hi Alice," I smiled back, nodding to her injured limb. "What happened?"

"Freakin' newborn got at me from the side," she frowned, before her attention shifted to something behind me. "Hey there, ex-husband."

"Hello to you, too, ex-wife," Jasper drawled, coming to a stop beside me. I should have known he'd follow me. "How many times have I told you not to let that happen?"

"Eighty-five," Alice replied, blowing a breath out in irritation. "And yes, I know, I rely on my gift too much, blah, blah, blah."

"So long as we're clear," Jasper shrugged, and the ease of their interaction made me feel a little bit better about the whole thing.

If they'd been really awkward around each other I wouldn't have felt right about trying to repair my relationship with Alice, and if they'd been too chummy I probably would have gotten jealous. This was a good mix.

"I'm gonna leave you guys to talk," Alice said after a moment, glancing between me, Jasper, and Edward. She took two steps toward me and reached out her uninjured limb to pat my arm lightly. "I've missed you, Bella."

I muttered out a 'you too' as she passed me by, and then, resigned to deal with this now, turned my attention back to Edward.

"You really did it," Edward said, tilting his head as he glanced between Jasper and I.

"Yes."

Edward nodded absently, his arms held perfectly still at his sides, and his wavering glance fixed intently on Jasper. "You're not the same anymore."

"You could say that," Jasper replied, and I noticed that his hands were balled into fists and every couple of seconds he'd shift his weight like he was trying to stop himself from pouncing on Edward.

"The newborn?" Edward asked.

"She's gonna hang around for a bit," I answered vaguely, but Edward understood what I meant, either from reading it from Jasper's head or my face.

"We'll take her to Carlisle; he'll be able to help her." What was with everyone thinking that Jasper and I weren't going to let her stay with us?

"Aw, now you were doing so well for a minute," I cooed sarcastically. I had no doubt that Edward thought I would be inspired to follow our newborn friend; he was using her, and while I could have simply told him 'no' and let that be it, I wanted to be more forceful, because that poor girl had been used enough.

"Surely you don't think Jasper would be more apt to helping her reform?" Edward asked condescendingly, and his thinly veiled insult pushed me closer to my breaking point.

"Actually I do." It took a lot of effort to keep my voice calm, but shouting would be ineffective with Edward; rational argument probably wouldn't work either, but it was the better of the two choices. "Jasper knows exactly what that girl is going through, and who said anything about reforming her?"

"You can't let her run around murdering people," Edward said, as if he were explaining a simple concept to a child.

"If she wants to start hunting animals then we will help her—but it's not a condition of staying with us like it would be with you and Carlisle," I ground out, and to my right Jasper jerked his head up and down in a nod of agreement.

"Why won't you just let her come home with us, Bella?"

"Us?" I asked, praying that he didn't mean the us I thought he did.

"Yes, you and me. We can be together now, Bella, there's nothing standing in our way." Edward's words were insistent, and Jasper stepped closer to me so he could reach over and rub his thumb over the back of my neck.

"There is a lot standing in our way, Edward. I think the biggest thing would be that I don't want to be with you anymore, I'm not in love with you. You need to let it go." My words were sharp, and I thought I could see what Jasper had been talking about; the way Edward was trying to convince himself that he had a chance here, because I could tell by the hurt that flashed through his eyes for a second that he'd heard me.

"I'm not going to give up on us Bella, not again. I'll wait forever," Edward vowed, and in the end I just didn't have it in me to argue with him anymore. Let him wait, maybe it would do him some good.

I turned on my heel, and this time it was me who left Edward hurt and confused, standing in the middle of a dark, lonely forest.


	26. Chapter 26

It was nearly five in the morning, and the party was in full swing. It had all started out innocent enough, Emmett had insisted that there needed to be some sort of celebration, and I'd been firmly in his corner. Jasper had already relented, and within thirty minutes of what I fully intended to be my final confrontation with Edward, Peter had volunteered Charlotte to accompany Emmett to town on a beer run, citing her 'incredible achievements in the area of grocery shopping' as reason.

Jasper and I returned to the house on our own after Alice, Rosalie, and Peter had offered to finish cleaning the remaining evidence of the battle. I'd expected the house to be near silent, but laughter floated over the lawn as we approached, and I grabbed hold of Jasper's arm to still him so I could eavesdrop a bit.

"...And Embry's just stuck there with no idea how to explain why he's running around out in the woods at seven in the morning buck-ass naked."

Bree laughed a little harder, and I looked over to see Jasper with a sad smile on his face as he stared at the house.

"What's this about?" I poked the corner of his mouth as I asked my question, and Jasper swatted my hand away without breaking his gaze.

"She's going to have a real hard time with all this, I'm just...I'm glad she's comfortable with someone."

I nodded my head absently and toyed with Jasper's fingers. "It's not going to be like it was for you. You're not gonna let it be that bad for her."

"No, I'm not," Jasper replied, and I was happy to see him look so determined about it. I thought this would probably be just as good for him as it would be for Bree; he could help her struggle through this transition and deal with everything she'd had to do to survive her time with Victoria and maybe being on the other side of that would help him to heal a little bit, too.

"This might be a stupid question," I warned, curious about exactly what had gone through his head, "but why was it so easy for Seth to convince you to let Bree live?"

"She didn't want Peter to touch her, she was absolutely terrified by the idea of it, and I figured that meant that she really didn't want to hurt anyone."

I nodded; impressed with how he'd broken down Bree's motives based solely off her emotions and behavior, and to my right Peter emerged from the forest a few yards away. He stared at the two of us for a moment, seemingly trying to decide on something before he squared up his shoulders and marched right on over.

"You did good, B," Peter complimented with what I thought might be pride coloring his voice, and it was easy for me to grin back at him and tell him the same.

"Thanks for teaching her," Jasper offered hesitantly, and Peter's gaze shifted to Jasper, something indecipherable swirling in the red of his eyes.

"We cool?" Peter asked, and Jasper looked at him blankly for a moment before responding.

"I don't know, are we? Seems that should be up to you."

Peter smirked a little, clearly amused by Jasper's response. "I think that we both said and did some shit that we wouldn't have if we'd thought it through."

"I owe you a sucker punch," Jasper said, taking the cue from his friend to let the conversation stay light.

Peter rolled his eyes. "Whatever. You needed to be smacked around a little, just to remind you that I can—but I shouldn't have said some of those things, so I think maybe you could get away with two."

"I am sorry," Jasper said after another moment, his voice quiet as a whisper as he shifted his eyes downward.

"I know that," Peter scoffed, and he knocked his fist against Jasper's shoulder. "Wouldn't have come back for you in the first place if I didn't think you'd be able to rise above all that shit. S'over, man. Let's just agree to let it go."

And that seemed to be it, their entire argument was over with those few words, and I wasn't sure who was more amazed by that; me, or Jasper.

Alice broke through the trees at that moment, and her arrival broke Peter and Jasper out of the looks of understanding they were sharing.

"Edward?" Jasper asked, and Alice shook her head.

"He left; he's going back to Carlisle and Esme."

"Of course he did," I said, shaking my head. He hadn't gotten what he wanted, so he'd taken off. It was so typical of him.

"Good," Jasper scowled. "Saves me the trouble of having to beat the shit out of him."

I nudged Jasper in the side half-heartedly; I probably wouldn't have stopped him.

We left Bree and Seth alone in the house, she was calm and having a good time with him, and it would have been almost mean to break that up. Instead Jasper and I sat with Peter out in the yard while Alice went in to introduce herself to the two youngest of our group; we figured that at the very least she wouldn't be very threatening to Bree.

Leah joined us after a little bit, and I listened with rapt attention as she and Peter described their end of the battle to Jasper. It had gone pretty smoothly for them, all things considered. While Alice's notification hadn't come in time for Jasper and I, it had for Peter, so they hadn't been caught completely off guard. The only one who'd had any trouble was Alice, but Peter had speculated that she would if her gift was rendered useless by my shield.

When Emmett and Charlotte got back they were hauling a giant blue cooler by the handle, and Emmett called me and Jasper over before opening it with a flourish to reveal the compartment filled to the brim with beer and ice.

"Party time, Bells. I'm pretty disappointed that you can't partake, but I'll settle for getting the wolves plastered...I guess." Emmett winked as he talked, and Charlotte just shook her head with a fond smile on her face.

"Don't you think this is overkill?" Leah scowled once she'd gotten close enough to see the contents of the massive cooler. "I didn't know vamps could be so brain damaged they don't know how to count to two."

"You are such a frigid bitch," Emmett replied, sounding amazed. "I think you're gonna have to start pre-gaming if I'm going to have to hang out with ya all night."

"Shove it, you moose," Leah retorted, and Emmett's mouth hung open for a moment before he managed to regain his composure.

"Dear Lord, drink this," he pleaded, extracting one of the brown bottles from the cooler and shoving it into her hands, "for all of our sakes."

Leah scowled, but took the drink, and made her way back over to where Peter was sitting; he looked like he was enjoying his brief moment of solitude.

"You puke on me and I'll kill you," he threatened as she twisted off the bottle cap and threw it in Emmett's direction, missing by inches.

"Why the fuck am I here?" she groaned, taking a seat and a long pull from the glass bottle.

"'Cause when it comes down to it there's nowhere better for you," Peter answered honestly, and I tuned out the rest of their conversation; what they were talking about wasn't my business.

When Alice emerged from the house, Seth and Bree on her tail I grabbed one of the chairs on the end of the deck where the latter settled down. Seth was immediately handed a beer, and the moment I sat down Bree grabbed hold of my arm. Her grip was loose, and she seemed relaxed enough, and one shared look with Seth was all it took to convince me that Bree simply wanted to get to enjoy some physical contact. Seth took the lead with the conversation, continuing to tell Bree light hearted stories and anecdotes, and I again found myself hoping he'd stay for a little while.

It was wonderfully relaxing, sitting on the end of the deck and watching my family and friends finally get a chance to just be together and breathe. Charlotte and Emmett chatted by the railing, and I thought that it just might be the best thing I'd seen all day; my sister and brother getting along like they'd been friends forever.

Jasper and Rosalie sat further away from the group, and seemed to be enjoying a companionable silence. Rosalie kept shooting glances in our direction, and I thought the look on her face just might be one of longing; I'd have to ask Jasper about it later. I had no idea what Emmett and Rosalie's plans were for the future, but I wasn't too worried about it. There was nothing on the face of this earth that could tear me away from Emmett again, and even if he went home for now I knew we'd keep in touch, and visits would never be far between.

Jasper had been quiet all night, but he'd also kept the beginnings of a smile on his face, and I thought that maybe I understood what he felt all those times he'd had told me I was worth it. He was, that was for sure, and with a promise to Bree that I would be back later, I made my way over to where he sat with Rosalie just as Emmett left Charlotte to do the same. We pulled two chairs close together and shared a smile that told me all I needed to; Emmett would be staying put.

"Hey," Jasper said lowly as he grabbed the arm of my chair to scoot it over to sit against his.

"Hey, yourself."

"You know what I just don't get?" Emmett asked loudly, continuing the rundown of the battle that seemed to be the focus of all our conversations. "Why'd she do it? She had us, but she came anyways."

"It was a suicide run," I whispered, running the tips of my fingers over the lengths of Jasper's, it had been a long night. "All she wanted was to cause as much damage as she could before we took her out."

"Seems kinda obvious when you put it that way," Emmett shrugged, and I agreed with him there.

"What I want to know is what happened to break Rosalie's 'I can sell it' vibe." I hadn't intended on bringing it up tonight, but everyone else was rehashing every little detail, so I might as well throw in my questions as well.

"My performance was flawless," Rosalie answered arrogantly, glaring at me in a way that I was positive was not completely sincere, and it almost seemed playful.

Emmett rolled his eyes, threw his arm around Rosalie and shook his head. "My lady sold that shit, Victoria totally fell for it hook, line, and sinker. She was just a double-crossing bitch is all. We still outsmarted her though, we wouldn't give her any more information than we had to at a time, she had to keep us around that way."

"Oh, please," Rosalie said, glaring at Emmett. "If it weren't for you she never would have caught on."

"What? Nuh-uh, baby." Emmett looked horrified at Rosalie's insistence that he'd been the one to give them away, and I leaned my cheek against Jasper's arm while I giggled, just enjoying the way we'd all fallen right back into how we were before everything had gone wrong.

Charlotte was heading in our direction, and I grinned at her, anxious to get back into the routine we'd had back when she'd first arrived before I realized that her stay could be coming to an end. I didn't want her to leave, and I found myself nearly drowning in worry as she walked behind me, reached down to grab hold of my arm and pull me to my feet, and haul me off in the direction of the tree line.

"What are you going to do now?" Charlotte asked, looping her arm through mine as we walked.

"I guess it depends on how much longer I have before we can travel, Jasper and I want to take a vacation." It seemed we were on the same page; we both wanted to know what was next.

"I see," Charlotte murmured, and I giggled as I elbowed her in the side.

"You should come with us," I offered. I really didn't want to her and Peter to leave, it felt too soon, and I couldn't help but think that maybe they belonged here with us as I sat against one of the trees on the far end of the yard to observe the party, now in full swing.

"Don't you want some time alone with your man?"

"Of course I do, but it's going to be awhile before I get any; Bree's sticking around for now, you should too," I explained.

"Please don't tell me Leah's staying, too," Charlotte whined.

"What is your problem with her?" I asked curiously, unable to hold the question in for one second longer.

"She's just..." Charlotte wrinkled her nose in distaste. "She bugs me. I don't like her."

"I think she has that effect on everybody."

"She should try to be more positive, or at least try to be less of a raging bitch," Charlotte complained, and I patted her leg in consolation; I knew how much that kind of thing bothered her, I still wasn't quite sure how she'd managed to put up with me all those times I'd gotten like that.

"Honestly? I think it's just easier for her to be mean," I said, thinking out loud. "She had a hard time in La Push, almost everybody she cared about was taken away from her...when that happens it's just less painful to hate everyone."

"I know," Charlotte agreed, bowing her head and pulling individual blades of grass up out of the ground, "but she needs to realize that there are some of us who've had it just as bad, or worse."

"Is that what this is about?" I asked, stretching my legs out in front of me as I leaned back on my palms.

"No," Charlotte scowled, pulling up a handful of grass forcefully.

"It's okay if it is," I shrugged. "I'd never want to go through what you did; makes all the crap Jasper and I had to deal with look like a piece of cake."

"It's not that, okay?" Charlotte snapped, taking a deep breath in and letting it out. "It's just...I don't like her."

"She's jealous," Peter informed me as he walked in front of us on his way to the deck with an exasperated shake of his head and roll of his eyes. "Obviously."

Peter only laughed at the glare and growl Charlotte sent in his direction, and continued on his way.

"Really, Charlotte?" I asked, arching a brow at her. "Jealous? Of _Leah_?"

"I am not jealous." I didn't believe her one single bit.

"Why on earth are you jealous of Leah?" I laughed, mostly because the concept was absurd, but also because it was something Leah just seemed to inspire in people. What was next, would Peter start getting huffy because Leah out-bitched him on a daily basis?

Charlotte huffed and crossed her arms, and turned her head to look out toward the woods. "She's your step-sister; eventually the two of you will get close, Seth will see to that..."

"Oh, Charlotte," I giggled, and I leaned my head against her shoulder. "No one could ever replace you."

"I know that," she grumbled, but she sounded happier than before.

"Nope, still too bitchy," I heard Emmett boom from the deck. "Here, have another one."

"Fuck you!" Leah shouted, much louder than I'd ever heard her talk before, and Charlotte and I leaned into each other and giggled.

"That is either the best or worst idea in the history of _ever,"_ I squeaked out through my laughter.

"And I thought Peter was bad," Charlotte snickered, before becoming more serious with her next question, "Did he apologize to Jasper?"

"One of you is going to have to tell me what the hell is going on with that." I huffed a little as I sat up straight and shook my head. I was so far out of the loop on this that I would have been happier not knowing anything had even happened.

Charlotte laughed to herself, and smiled as she said, "I'll tell you the whole story sometime, for now let's just say Peter's got a bit of a vengeful streak in him."

"You do know that doesn't explain anything, right?" I grumbled as I tried to keep from taking my annoyance out on Charlotte.

"Jasper's done a lot of very bad things," Charlotte shrugged, "and more than a couple of them were to me—but he's done some amazing things, too, even before he left Maria. Something Peter taught me was that you can't tally up someone's mistakes against their triumphs and judge them based on which column is longer. Sometimes you just have to remember the good, and Peter forgot that for a bit."

"So just bad memories?" I asked, still not pleased with the cryptic answer but willing to let it go for now.

"I will tell you about it sometime," Charlotte assured me, bumping my shoulder with hers.

We chatted aimlessly for a while, and just enjoyed the simplicity of watching everyone have fun with the party. Jasper was in the same place I'd left him, leaned back in his chair with a small smile on his face, and even though he looked a little tense, I thought that he was probably enjoying the light atmosphere.

Emmett was continuing his mission to get Seth and Leah plastered, and both looked to be well on their way. My laugh was a little louder when Seth stood from his chair and nearly fell over on top of Bree as he wobbled a bit, all the while insisting he could take Emmett down. Leah looked to be even more in the bag, but that wasn't surprising; she was smaller than Seth, and Emmett had practically been pouring beer down her throat.

"Hey Bella," Alice said to my right, sounding a little nervous. "Can I talk to you for a bit?"

I turned my head toward her and nodded, and Charlotte patted my shoulder before standing up and winking, then headed toward the mayhem that was unfolding on the deck.

Alice sighed and took a seat in Charlotte's vacated spot, and she stayed quiet for a few minutes before saying, "Look, you don't have to forgive Carlisle and Esme. You don't have to see them, you don't have to talk to them, but you do need to know that even though they've been sitting on the sidelines, they've done a lot for you in the past few months."

"Like what?" I asked suspiciously, narrowing my eyes at Alice's hunched form.

"Esme's the one who kept Edward away for so long, for starters," she replied, and she turned her head to arch an eyebrow at me in challenge before continuing. "Did you really think he just so happened to be in Alaska this entire time, that it was a lucky break that he didn't go home and catch something about you and Jasper in someone's thoughts? It wasn't, it was all Esme; even I didn't know she could be so resourceful—but she came up with one reason after another for him to stay there. She knew if he found out about the two of you he'd be determined to try and do something about it, and she wanted to give you some time before that happened."

"Carlisle?" I almost didn't want to ask, I already felt terrible for assuming Esme hadn't made any significant efforts to contact me because she didn't care; if Carlisle had done anything half as helpful as she had then I doubted I would ever be able to make up my distance to them.

"He's been running interference with the Volturi," Alice explained.

"Jasper said they weren't a problem..." I muttered, trying to figure out just what in the world had been happening.

"As far as he knows they're not."

"What do they want?" I asked, dreading her answer.

"They claim that they just want to check on you, make sure you held to your agreement—but Carlisle's worried that they want to recruit you, so he's been holding them off as best he can. They're not being aggressive about it, but there's the chance that their motives are not in your best interest, and Carlisle isn't willing to take that chance.

"They know they did a bad thing, Bella, and they know that forgiveness is a long way off...but maybe you could cut them some slack."

"I think I can do that," I agreed, still a little shocked that so much had been going on outside of my little bubble.

"For the record, I'm very sorry for leaving you—but I had a choice to make; I could have done what was best for me or what was best for Jasper, and I picked him. I know that doesn't exonerate me, but you kind of threw us all for a loop. I'd always known what the right decision was, until I met you," Alice said with a smile.

"I would have picked him, too."

"I know."

We were quiet for a few minutes as I absorbed all Alice had told me, and I was pleased to find that reconciling with her didn't feel like as daunting of a task as it had yesterday; we'd get there, eventually. It was with that thought that I finally stood from my spot across the yard from the party and smiled down at Alice.

"I guess I should join the festivities, I've been sitting out here for almost two hours."

"Have fun," she grinned back. "I'm going to stick around for another day or so, if that's alright with you."

I nodded, happy that she wasn't going to leave right away but also didn't plan to stay for long. It was better this way, we kind of needed to get to know each other again and that wasn't something I thought should be rushed.

Someone had managed to find a deck of cards and a set of poker chips that I hadn't even known we had, and when I climbed the stairs of the deck I was amused to find Peter, Emmett, Leah and Charlotte fully engrossed in a game of Poker. Jasper was sitting off to the side looking both irritated and amused, and when I felt a soft buzz traveling over my skin I figured he was probably messing with the players in retaliation for being left out of the game.

I took the chair next to his, laced my fingers through his and leaned my head against his shoulder as Peter threw down his cards and claimed the pot with a proud smirk. Leah looked to be swaying in her seat a little bit, and I wondered just how much she'd had to drink; it had to have been a lot, especially if Emmett wasn't declaring her to be 'too bitchy' anymore and Charlotte wasn't sending death glares her way.

Jasper seemed a little off, but he had all night. I figured it was probably because he wasn't used to being around so many people anymore, and I squeezed my fingers around his and turned my face to kiss his arm, hoping the silent showing of support would help.

Over to my right Seth and Rosalie were chatting with Bree, and I listened in for long enough to realize they were both telling her funny stories about the various mishaps and exploits The Pack and Emmett had managed to get into; it was so sweet of them to make sure to include her.

"You and Alice have a good talk?" Jasper asked quietly as he leaned his cheek against the top of my head.

"Yeah. I'll tell you all about it later."

"You don't have to, I was just curious," Jasper replied, and he pulled his arm out from between us to rest it over my shoulders and pull me closer.

"You should talk to her, you know. You're completely out of excuses not to," I pointed out, not sure why I was so determined that he have a conversation with his ex-wife. It probably had something to do with that pesky closure thing, but it could have also just been me being stubborn; Jasper had avoided talking to Alice for months, and by now it almost felt like a game we were playing.

"Fine," Jasper laughed, leaning down to catch my lips with his in a soft and lingering kiss, "but once that's done with you and I have some business to attend to. At length. Alone."

A shiver of anticipation ran through me. I pressed forward when he pulled back and nipped at his bottom lip, and it wasn't long before this kiss was something better left for when we were in private—but I couldn't find myself to care. I could see now why Jasper had been so anxious for all this to be done with; it felt so wonderful not to have the blade of a guillotine hanging over our heads. This affection and happiness we shared was finally clean and untainted, and I'd do anything I had to in order to keep it that way.

The fingers of my free hand reached up to run through Jasper's hair, and I pulled back reluctantly when Emmett's catcall sounded through the night. It was mildly embarrassing, but I shrugged it off. I'd spent a long time repressing what I wanted and denying myself things that I hadn't needed to, and that was something I was done with. If I wanted to molest Jasper in front of our family, then that's exactly what I was going to do.

I was convinced the join the poker game for a while once Jasper wandered off to retrieve Alice, but I was terrible and the cards were quickly abandoned once it became obvious that most of the fun of it had been in trying to shake off Jasper's influence and still play well. Peter and Charlotte headed out into the yard, and Emmett joined Rosalie and Seth—neither had strayed far from Bree's side all night.

Leah was _drunk_. She stood from her chair across from me and flopped right into the one to my right, turned her face toward the glowing horizon, and laughed like a hyena.

"Y'know you're not so bad," she slurred, slumping down a little further in her chair. "I mean, for an undead-bloodsucking-whatever."

"Um...thanks?" I offered, not sure what to make of Leah's inebriated version of kindness, and I barely managed to stifle my laughter when she awkwardly swung her legs up to prop her feet on the table; the whole thing nearly came crashing down.

"Jasper tell you he was gonna help me run away?" she asked as she closed her eyes, clearly about five minutes away from falling asleep.

"Nope."

"Yeah, we had a deal. If I could quit phasing, like, _for real,_ he was gonna hook me up with a fake I.D. and a butt load of cash and send me on my way to...Canada or something," Leah said, finally giving me the last piece of the puzzle that made up her unusual respect for Jasper. It made sense; I could see how trust could develop between them if Jasper had offered her a way to escape from the life she hated so much.

"I couldn't do it, not without Seth—but he still offered, and that was pretty cool of him." Leah yawned before opening her bleary eyes to give me a contradictorily hard look. "I don't like vamps, but Jasper's a stand-up guy. If you hurt him I will hurt _you._ Don't make him regret all that patience he had to muster up."

"You should drink more often, Leah," I smiled. Even though the threats were cliché and a little ridiculous coming from her, I appreciated that Jasper had someone to make them.

"Mmmkay," she sighed, and she leaned her cheek against the plastic of her deck chair. She was asleep within minutes.

"Has anyone seen Jasper?" I asked quietly after a quick look around. He'd been gone for a while, and Alice had already made her way back alone.

A chorus of soft 'no's sounded out, and I started wandering around, finding his scent quickly. He'd headed into the woods, and as I followed his path through the trees I wondered just what in the world had possessed him to leave our celebration.

I found Jasper a couple miles from the house, sitting in the exact middle of an overgrown and somewhat trampled clearing that looked so familiar. His arms were extended, elbows resting on his legs as he stared off into space, and it wasn't until I bent my knees to sit down that I realized exactly where we were; this was the scene of my first hunt, the place where he'd held me and promised me that it was all going to be okay.

"What's going on?" I asked curiously, furrowing my eyebrows when I noticed just how deep and ragged his breaths were.

"I can't believe it," Jasper murmured with a shake of his head, as if he were talking to himself. "I can't fucking believe it."

"Can't believe what? You're kinda freaking me out a little bit, Jasper." I edged closer to him with my words, and placed my hands on his forearms. "Are you okay?"

Jasper chuckled, then took another deep breath in before grabbing hold of my arms and pulling me against him. He buried his face in the crook of my neck, and after one last inhale said, "It's over, it's really over...and you're still here. I'm just so...I can't believe that after everything I'm actually going to get a happy ending."

"Isn't this what they call a reward? Your Shanshu or whatever?" I laughed, and Jasper pressed his lips to my skin in response as I scooted a little closer to him. "You did real good, Jasper, and you deserve all the best things in the world."

"You know what?" he said, resting his temple against my shoulder. "When you say things like that to me, I actually believe them."

"Let's make a deal," I offered as I threaded my fingers through his hair and tugged so I'd be able to look him in the eye. "All this crap? It's over now, so no more sad and depressed Jasper, okay?"

"Only if there's no more melodramatic and angsty Bella," he countered, pressing his nose to mine, and I couldn't help the chortles that escaped me.

"If I have to give up being melodramatic, you have to stop rearranging the DVDs."

Jasper wrinkled his nose in distaste and added, "Well then you have to stop bitchin' about not being able to fold the towels right."

"Deal," I agreed, sealing it with a kiss. "From now on we're going to be disgustingly happy. Nobody's gonna even be able to stand to be around us."

"I think I can handle that." Jasper leaned in and kissed me again, slower and more deliberate this time, and I wondered if we looked as ridiculous as I imagined we did; we had to be grinning like morons.

I wasn't sure why I'd never thought of it before, contracting my shield—but somewhere in the back of my mind I knew that I'd never been ready to let Jasper in, at least not in this way. I closed my eyes and focused, felt for the bubble around me and pulled, rather than pushed; it felt like trying to suck a marble through a straw.

Jasper pulled back from me, tilting his head curiously as awe shone from his eyes.

"Is it working?" I already knew it was.

"You mean can I feel you? Yeah, I can feel you..." he said, running his palms up my arms and cupping both sides of my face. "When did you learn how to do this?"

"I didn't," I shrugged as I struggled to maintain the compression of my shield.

"You're amazing," Jasper smiled. "Although you kind of look like you're trying to do calculus in your head."

I frowned and let go of the hold I had over my gift, and Jasper started laughing quietly. I reached over to flick his ear; he hated it when I did that.

"I'm sorry, I just wanted to get to feel you be embarrassed again," he sniggered, and after a moment my laughter joined his.

"You're a jerk sometimes," I teased.

"You love it," Jasper retorted, and I bit my lip as I considered just how to respond.

In the end it had to be the truth, with him it always would be. "Yeah, I really do."


End file.
